Richey Edwards最后的采访：每个人都是弱者

1995年1月23日，日本Music Life杂志的Midori Tsukagoshi在Richey位于卡迪夫的家中对他做了采访。9天后Richey人间蒸发。以下都转译自Select由日语翻译成英文的谈话内容。
                
                
                
                
Why have you shaved your head?
"I was bored with my old hairstyle, it was irritating me. If I can't sleep I tend to have destructive ideas, and I have to do something to sort them out. I couldn't sleep and all I could think of doing was shaving my head. So I did."
为什么剃光头？
我厌倦了旧发型，它让我浑身难受。如果我睡不着，就会产生破坏性的想法，我不得不做点什么以理出个头绪来。当我失眠时唯一能想到的就是理成光头，所以我就这么干了。
By yourself?
"Yeah, I've never had such short hair before (laughs). But that's alright. I can sleep now. I'll do anything to be able to sleep. I did it two weeks ago now. Look, it's grown so much (laughs)."
你自己做的吗？
对，我还从没留过这么短的发型（笑）。不过没关系，我现在可以睡好了。为了能睡着我会做任何事情。这是两周前的事了，看，已经长出这么多了（笑）。
In Japan it's very significant to shave your head.
"I suppose it was a big thing for me, too. I'm very vain, you know, and I was almost in love with my hairstyle. But in the end I just felt like abandoning things like that. I dumped a lot of notebooks, threw them in the river. They were full of notes, thoughts for lyrics, that kind of thing. Since Christmas I'd been writing a lot of stuff, but when I look at them again I realised 80 per cent of them just weren't very good. Some people keep everything they write, but unless it's good, you shouldn't. I mean, you can see this flat isn't big enough to keep everything anyway. So I spent a whole night reading through it and then threw away what I didn't like."
在日本剃光头发可是很了不得的事。
我想它对我来说也是一件大事。我非常虚荣，你要知道，而且我就快爱上我原来的发型了，但最后我只想抛弃它。我处理掉了大量的笔记本，把它们扔到河里。里面写满了笔记，歌词的灵感之类的东西。有些人会把写的所有东西都保存下来，可是除非它们是好作品，否则你不该留着。我是说，你看得出这间公寓反正也放不下所有东西。所以，我花了一整晚把它们都读了一遍，然后把我不喜欢的都扔了。
That sounds quite dramatic.
"Yes! I am a drama queen (laughs)."
那听起来挺戏剧化的。
没错！我是个影帝（笑）。
Can we move on to your time in hospital last summer? If you don't mind...
"I got lost somewhere. I just went there, then came out to come back to reality."
可以谈谈你去年夏天在医院的时候吗？如果你不介意的话……
我是在某个地方迷路了。于是我就去了医院，然后从那儿再回归现实。
You injured yourself...
"Yes, and I drank a lot... I thought I was strong and my body and spirit could take the punishment, but I was wrong. I was weak. In the end I found I just couldn't physically get out of bed and I didn't understand why. It's very important for me to understand things. Like, last summer I'd sit thinking about the smallest things over and over. But it's difficult to live in that frame of mind. It means you can't move. Back then I was living on my own, without anyone to speak to. I didn't even have a telephone."
你伤害过自己……
是的，而且过度饮酒……我以为我够强壮，而我的身体和精神能接受惩罚，但我错了。我很软弱。最后我发现从生理上讲我已经下不了床了，而且我甚至不明白这是为什么。对我来说搞明白事情是很重要的。像是，去年夏天我会坐在那一遍又一遍地思考最细小的事。但在那种精神状态下是很难生活下去的。那表示你不能行动。当时我自己住，没有任何人可以说上话，我甚至没有一部电话。
It's important to clear your mind sometimes.
"Exactly. But, the thing is, sometimes I'll write solidly for a few days and it'll be nothing but rubbish, and then I'll worry I won't be able to write anything else. That makes me feel sick in myself. At times, I'm just fed up with myself, but I know it's the result of something I've done and I have to accept that."
时不时让头脑放空一下是很重要的。
没错。但问题是，有时候我会连续几天稳定地创作，写出来的却全都是垃圾，然后我会很焦虑并且再也写不出任何东西了。那让我对自己感到恶心。有几次，我彻底受够了自己，但我知道这是自作自受，我得接受它。
Do you find it difficult?
"Not really. I have no regrets. Regrets are meaningless. You can't change yesterday or tomorrow. You can change only this present moment. I try thinking, like, 'There's only today, I'll do what I can do today.'"
你感到艰难吗？
并没有。我不后悔，后悔是没意义的。你改变不了昨天或是明天。你只能改变现状。我试着去想，像是：“我只有今天，我今天要做一切能做的事。”
It seems you have such a clear idea of what you want. But last summer you seemed to lose track.
"I haven't had a drop of alcohol since last summer. Until then, especially since I left college, I'd been drinking an enormous amount. I didn't eat properly when I was drinking, and my vanity made me hate the idea of having a big ugly beerbelly. I didn't want to be fat. So I was always drinking and I felt sick all the time. I was able to read, but I couldn't tidy the house, clean the bath, watch a film, I couldn't do anything else."
你似乎对于你要的东西有着明确的概念，但去年夏天你似乎失去了方向。
我从去年夏天起没有喝过一滴酒。在此之前，特别是在我离开大学后，我极大量地饮酒。当我喝酒时没有好好吃过东西，我的虚荣心不允许我想象自己有个又大又难看的啤酒肚。我不想变胖。所以我一直喝酒并且总是感到恶心。我仍然能读书，但没办法整理房间、清洁浴室、看电影，我做不了任何其它的事。
Were you frustrated?
"Very much. All I was doing was destroying myself. But to me, the worst thing I did was keep trying to be normal, which is how I ended up in hospital. Now, I wake up in the morning and I know what I want to do - I want to write, it makes me feel better in myself. It'd be easy to churn things out, and if I didn't care about words I could just write some rubbish - you know, write in rhymes and make the songs easy for James to sing.
"But I value writing songs, I do regard myself as a good poet, I work hard. Songwriting is an art and I really try my best at it. I get such satisfaction from it, and I didn't want to lose that part of me.
"You know, I miss my dog, Snoopy. He died two weeks ago. That's why I shaved my head... He was 17 years old. I've had him since I was little." (Stares away, looking forlorn.)
你那时觉得沮丧吗？
非常。我所做的一切都是在自我毁灭。但对我来说，我做的最糟糕的事是努力想要正常起来，就是因为这样我才进了医院。现在，我早晨醒过来知道自己想要做什么——我想要写作，它会让我对自己的感觉好一些。粗制滥造很容易，要是不在乎文字的话，我完全可以写一些垃圾——你知道，写得合辙押韵并且让James唱起来容易些。
但我重视写歌，我确实将自己视为一个优秀的词作者，并且会努力工作。音乐创作是一门艺术，对此我真的是倾尽了所能。我能从中感到如此的满足，而不愿意失去那一部分自我。
知道吗，我想念我的狗Snoopy。他在两周前死了。那是我剃光头发的原因……他17岁了，从我小时候起他就在我身边。（望向别处，孤独无助的样子）【←有必要加这种注解？】
When you were in hospital, James visited you almost every day. You obviously have friends who care about you deeply. Did that help? Or did it just put you under more pressure?
"I didn't feel under any pressure at all. Every single person in the world must know someone who cares about him or her, but... (long pause)... you can't make anyone do what you want them to do. You can say, 'Please do this, please do that', but you can't really make them do what you want them to. People say to the mentally ill, 'You know so many people think the world of you.' But when they don't like themselves they don't notice anything. They don't care about what people think of them. When you hate yourself, whatever people say it doesn't make sense. 'Why do they like me? Why do they care about me?' Because you don't care about yourself at all."
当你在医院的时候，James几乎每天都去看你。很明显朋友们都很在乎你，那有什么帮助吗？还是仅仅给你带来了更多压力呢？
我完全没有压力。世上的每一个人都需要知道有人关心他，可是……（长时间停顿）……你不能让任何人去做你想要他们做的事。你可以说“做这个，做那个”，但你不能真的让他们去做你想要他们做的事。人们对精神病人说：“你要知道有那么多人都很在乎你”。但是当他们不在乎他们自己的时候，他们不会注意任何事情。他们不关心别人怎么看待自己。当你恨你自己的时候，无论人们说什么都毫无意义，“他们干嘛要喜欢我？他们干嘛要关心我？”你完全不在乎你自己。
Has this experience, including the stay in hospital, changed you?
"I don't feel much different. I just realise I've got more time. 'Cos my lifestyle has become 'healthy'. I've quit the alcohol and everything. I can now use the whole day. I used to start drinking as soon as I woke up, so the day was shorter. Some people maintain that all the best writing is done by alcoholics and junkies. That's all crap: the more addicted you are, the less time you have to write. You just lose sight of your motivations and intentions. I wasted whole days. I'd wake up and feel so sick that I couldn't do anything. I lost day after day."
这段经历，包括在医院的部分，对你有什么改变吗？
我没觉得有什么不同，只是发现有了更多的时间。因为我的生活方式变得“健康”，我戒掉了酒精和所有东西，有了一整天的时间可以利用。我以前从起床就开始喝酒，所以一天的时间比现在要短。有人主张所有最好的作品都是由酒鬼和瘾君子写出来的。那全是狗屎：你的瘾越大，用来写作的时间也就越少，你只会失去你的动机和意图。我曾经荒度终日，醒来时恶心得什么也做不去下去，一天又一天地迷失下去。
You're extremely sensitive. Do many people in the music industry have much in common with you?
"No, a lot of them are just unfeeling. No one working for a record company really thinks about bands. I respect Mishima. (Yukio Mishima, quasi-fascist and masochistic Japanese author who believed in the revival of the Bushido tradition. Committed ritual suicide in 1970 after failure of token coup attempt.) He had sensitivity in his work and it fitted in with his life. His work is absolutely beautiful! Full of kindness and beautiful music. And he built up his body - he had a really strong physique. He was tremendously sensitive. It's the kind of sensitivity people like Morrissey are supposed to have. I think if you're like that you needn't always reflect it in the way you behave. I agree that Morrissey was quite sensitive in the writing on his first two albums but not now - everybody says, Oh, he's so sensitive! But I don't really agree. Have you seen him live? He carries on like a madman! Sensitivity doesn't mean being shy. Most British indie bands just stand on stage and look at the floor: 'Look at me, I'm so sensitive!' But it's just pretence."
你是个极为敏感的人。音乐圈里是不是有很多人和你一样？
不，大部分只是冷漠，唱片公司里没有人会真正为乐队考虑。我尊敬三岛（三岛由纪夫，准法西斯主义者，有受虐狂倾向的日本作家。1970年在企图发动盾社政变失败后自杀。）【←这不像是日杂自己会写的注释吧】他的作品具备这种敏感性，并且那符合于他的生活。他的作品是纯粹的美！充满了温柔和美妙的音乐。【啥？】而且他锻炼体魄——他有非常强健的体格，同时具备惊人的细腻敏感，本来这是像Morrissey这种敏感的人应该有的。我认为如果你像三岛那样，就不需要总是通过行为方式来刻意表现。我同意Morrissey在他写前两张专辑的时候相当敏感，而不像现在——人人都说，喔，他是多么的敏感吶！但我并不那么认为。你看过他的现场吗？他表现得就像个疯子！敏感不代表害羞，大部分英国indie乐队只是站在台上盯着地板：“看看我，我多么敏感！”但那只不过是在装。
Do you like being on your own?
"Yes, I do. Of course. I'd love to love somebody seriously. But, considering what I'd expect and what would be expected of me, it seems quite difficult. I feel nobody would want to live with me. I feel daft telling you this, but it's true (laughs)."
你喜欢独自一个人吗？
是的，我喜欢。当然，我很乐意认真地去爱某个人。但是，考虑到我期盼的东西，和对方期望从我这儿得到的东西，它看起来相当困难。我觉得没人会愿意和我一起生活。我感到跟你说这些很蠢，但它是实话（笑）。
You really believe that?
"You love somebody seriously involves being trapped by jealousy. It's really hard. I've never wanted to love somebody insincerely - and I don't mean only sexually but intellectually and mentally too. For instance, you might be watching TV with someone you loved and see an attractive person on TV. It'd be insincere to me to have any feeling about the person on TV. Most people are more mature than me in that sense but I still can't deal with it. If my partner said, 'That poster of River Phoenix looks gorgeous!' I'd have to say 'Bye'. If I was in the street and my partner was thinking, 'Wow! He's stunning!' I'd wonder why she was with me. Seriously, if I was in love with a woman, she'd have to be more attractive than Bette Davis, more than anyone else. I'd peel every picture off my walls."
你真是那么想的吗？
认真地恋爱会让人们受困于嫉妒，那真的很辛苦。我从没有想要真诚地爱过谁——我指的不只是性欲还包括知性上和精神上的。举例来说，你可能和爱人一起看电视，然后看到某个有吸引力的人。如果对电视里那个人有任何感觉，对我来说都是一种不忠。大多数人在这方面都比我成熟，但我就是没办法处理好。如果我的伴侣说：“海报上的凤凰河看起来帅呆了！”那我只能说拜拜。如果在街上我的伴侣觉得别人“哇哦，他可真迷人！”我会纳闷为什么她还要和我在一起。
说真的，如果我爱上一个女人，她的魅力必须要超过Bette Davis，要超过任何人才行。而我会把墙上所有的照片都撕了。
When was the last time you had any kind of relationship?
"I've never had any long relationship. The longest, when I was young, was about four days. Since the band started, I've only really been involved with one girl. I can speak to her more naturally than to anyone else. It means something. But I've never told her I love her. I've known her for years, but I've only kissed her once... once, twice. That's all. How can I explain? When I love somebody, I feel sort of trapped."
你最近一次的恋爱关系是什么时候的事？
我从没有维持过任何长时间的关系。最久的一次是我小时候，大约持续了4天。从组乐队后开始，我只真正地为一个姑娘着迷过。我可以更自然地和她交谈，超过其他任何人。也许这意味着什么。但我从没有告诉她我爱她。我已经认识她多年，但只亲过她一次……一次或两次。那就是全部。我该怎么解释？要是我爱上什么人，我会觉得被困住了。
Can you imagine you'll ever have a long-term relationship?
"Relationships at my age mean giving without expecting something back. But it's not love."
你能想象拥有一段长期的感情吗？
感情在我的年纪意味着付出并且不求回报，但那不是爱情。
It says 'I Miss My Virginity' on your badge. Do you really miss it?
"Definitely! It's the only time I took anyone's advice on how to live my life. I didn't sleep with anyone until I was 21. I'd never met the right woman, and I knew it wouldn't be as wonderful an event as people said. It was an experience. But I believe experience is different from life. One day I met a girl and did it. The next morning I found I was the same person I'd always been. I wasn't reborn like people said. That was the first time."
你的徽章上写着“我怀念我的贞操”。你是真的怀念它吗？
那是一定的！那是我第一次就自己的生活方式上听从了别人的建议。我直到21岁都没跟别人睡过觉，我从没遇到那个对的人，而且我也知道它不会像人们描述的那么奇妙。它只是一次体验，但我相信体验不等于生活。某天我遇到一个姑娘然后做了那事。第二天早晨我发现自己还是一直以来的那个人，并没有像人们所说的那样脱胎换骨。那就是第一次。
You've got the word 'LOVE' written on your fingers. Is that your new slogan?
"(Laughs) It's not a slogan. I write something on my fingers every day. Mostly 'LOVE'. I never write 'HATE'. Because I don't hate anyone. I'm more negative about myself than anyone else. I don't want to waste time. Even though I have terrible experiences with people, I can forget them. I just think 'Fuck off' and that's the end of it."
你在手指上写了“LOVE”，那是新的标语吗？
（笑）它不是标语，我每天都在手指上写东西，大多是“LOVE”。我从没写过“HATE”，因为我谁也不恨。即使我和别人之间发生了可怕的事情，我也能忘了它们，我只是心想“滚蛋吧”，然后就结束啦。
Are you afraid of anything?
"Not of God. I'm rather amazed by people who are afraid of getting on planes or cars or something. When somebody throws something at the stage I laugh. Like 'Are you afraid of something?' If something hits me in the face, it's not the end of the world. I'm not afraid of anything especially. But I'd never resort to violence. I'd rather sympathise with the other person. I suppose racism comes from fear. People try saying they're strong. But that's not true. Everyone is weak."
你害怕什么？
我并不惧怕上帝。我对于人们会怕乘坐飞机或汽车这些感到颇为惊奇。当有人把东西扔上台的时候我都得笑出来。
要说“你害怕什么？”要是我被什么直接砸在脸上，那又不是世界末日，我不怕任何特定的东西。但我从不诉诸暴力，我宁愿同情对方。
我认为种族主义就是源于恐惧。人们努力证明他们更强大，但那不是真的。每个人都是弱者。
Where do the Manic Street Preachers stand right now?
"The band is getting better and better. The lyrics are, too. I've found better ways to express myself. Though I don't need to know if my words have become more acceptable than before, I hope they have. Some songs on 'The Holy Bible' are pretty clear. I don't think I've changed what I say, but maybe I'm saying it in a different way."
Manic Street Preachers现在有什么主张？
我们的乐队正变得越来越好，歌词也是。我已经找到了更好的自我表达方式。虽说我不需要知道我的文字是不是变得比以前更能被人接受，我仍希望它们是的。“The Holy Bible”中的一些歌很清晰。我不认为我改变了要表达的东西，但也许我用了一种不同的表达方式。