Good inside善意养育chapter 1
You will not see me recommend time-outs, sticker charts, punishments, rewards, or ignoring as a response to challenging behaviors. What do I recommend? First and foremost, an understanding that behaviors are only the tip of the iceberg, and that below the surface is a child’s entire internal world, just begging to be understood. 我不会建议父母们使用关房间、给小红花、奖励、惩罚，或者对问题行为装作没看见等做法。那么我建议怎么做呢？首先也是最重要的一点是，理解行为只是冰山看得见的部分，看不见的是孩子无比渴望被理解的整个内心世界。
Simultaneously, I was also counseling adult clients, and I became fascinated by an undeniable connection: with the adults it was so clear where, in childhood, things went awry—where a child’s needs weren’t met or behaviors were a cry for help that was never answered. 所以我发现了一件很有意思的事，即在给成人做治疗时，你会看到他们的问题明显源自童年的某一经历，例如需求没有得到满足，或是通过问题行为呼救，却从未得到回应
Behaviorism privileges shaping behavior above understanding behavior. It sees behavior as the whole picture rather than an expression of underlying unmet needs. This is why, I realized, these “evidence-based” approaches felt so bad to me—they confused the signal (what was really going on for a child) with the noise (behavior). After all, our goal is not to shape behavior. Our goal is to raise humans. 行为主义偏重塑造行为，而非理解行为。这种理论认为，行为就是一切，而非未满足的潜在需求的表达。我发现，这就是我对这套“经过科学验证的”做法感到极度不适的原因，它混淆了噪声（行为）和信号（孩子真正在经历什么）。毕竟，我们的目标不是塑造行为，而是培养人。
understanding the emotional needs of a child, parents can not only improve behavior but transform how the entire family operates and relates to one another. 要理解了孩子的情感需求，改善的就不仅仅是孩子的行为，还有整个家庭的运转和成员彼此间的感情。
Chapter 1： Good inside 善意养育
I hold the belief that kids and parents are good inside, which allows me to be curious about the “why” of their bad behaviors. This curiosity enables me to develop frameworks and strategies that are effective in creating change. 这一“本心善良”的原则是我一切工作的驱动力，它驱使我探究不良行为背后的原因，我才能总结出一套有效的方式和方法，让改变发生
And let me be clear: seeing your child as good inside does not excuse bad behavior or lead to permissive parenting. 认为孩子的出发点是好的并不是要为他们的不良行为找借口，也不是要纵容他们。
Understanding that we’re all good inside is what allows you to distinguish a person (your child) from a behavior (rudeness, hitting, saying, “I hate you”). Differentiating who someone is from what they do is key to creating interventions that preserve your relationship while also leading to impactful change. 一旦我们理解了本心善良，我们就能把人（孩子）与他们的行为（不讲礼貌、打人、说“我讨厌你”）区分开来。把人本身与他们做的事区分开来，是引发深刻改变，同时又不影响亲子感情的关键。
Assuming goodness enables you to be the sturdy leader of your family, because when you’re confident in your child’s goodness, you believe in their ability to behave “well” and do the right thing. And as long as you believe they are capable, you can show them the way. This type of leadership is what every child craves—someone they can trust to steer them down the right path. It’s what makes them feel safe, what allows them to find calm, and what leads to the development of emotion regulation and resilience. Providing a safe space to try and fail without worrying they’ll be seen as “bad” is what will allow your children to learn and grow, and to ultimately feel more connected to you. 看到孩子本心的善良能让你成为家里坚如磐石的引领者，因为，只要你认定孩子的本心是好的，你就会坚信他们有能力展现出好的行为，做出正确的事情。而且，只要你认为他们能够做到，你就会为他们指明道路。每个孩子都渴望得到这样的引领。他们相信，这样的父母能带领他们走上正确的道路。这种引领让他们感到安全和安心，也能锤炼他们的情绪调节能力和心理韧性。如果你能让孩子拥有安全的空间来试错，而不必担心被贴上“坏”孩子的标签，那么你就能促进孩子的学习和成长，并且最终让孩子与你走得更近。
But operating from a “good inside” perspective can be harder than it seems, 坚持用“本心善良”的原则来育儿可能会比想象的要难
1. First, we are evolutionarily wired with a negativity bias, meaning we pay closer attention to what’s difficult with our kids (or with ourselves, our partners, even the world at large) than to what is working well 首先，进化使我们的大脑天然地存在消极偏见，也就是说，我们更在意孩子身上（包括我们自己、伴侣，乃至整个世界）的消极面，而不是积极面
2. our experiences of our own childhoods influence how we perceive and respond to our kids’ behavior. 其次，我们自己的童年经历会影响我们对孩子行为的看法和反应
As a result, many parents see behavior as the measure of who our kids are, rather than using behavior as a clue to what our kids might need. What if we saw behavior as an expression of needs, not identity? Then, rather than shaming our kids for their shortcomings, making them feel unseen and alone, we could help them access their internal goodness, improving their behavior along the way. 结果，许多父母把行为当作评判孩子的标尺，而非洞察孩子需要的线索。如果我们把行为看作需求的表现，而非本性的彰显，结果会怎样？那样的话，我们就能帮助他们重新认识他们本心的善良，并在这一过程中改善他们的行为，而非用孩子的缺点去羞辱他们，让他们觉得自己遭到了冷落和忽视
Rewiring the Circuit 重塑脑回路，打破不良家庭关系模式的代际循环
But our early years are especially powerful, because our bodies are beginning to wire how we think about and respond to difficult moments, based on how our parents think about and respond to us in our difficult moments.
（Let me say that another way: how we talk to ourselves when we are struggling inside—the self-talk of “Don’t be so sensitive” or “I’m overreacting” or “I’m so dumb,” or, alternatively, “I’m trying my best” or “I simply want to feel seen”—is based on how our parents spoke to or treated us in our times of struggle.）
但是，我们的小时候格外重要，因为我们正在建立我们看待和应对这类困境的脑回路，而父母对我们所遭遇困境的看法和应对方式对这一过程有非常巨大的影响。或者这样说，在困境中挣扎时，我们会跟自己说些什么？是“别那么敏感”，“我有点反应过度”，“我真笨”，“我已经尽力了”，还是“我只是想让他们看到我”？这取决于父母当时对我们说了什么或者做了什么。也就是说，深入思考父母在以上情形中的反应对于理解我们的脑回路至关重要。
What do I mean by “circuitry”? Well, in our early years, our body is learning under what conditions we receive love and attention and understanding and affection, and under what conditions we get rejected, punished, and left alone; the “data” it collects along those lines is critical to our survival, because maximizing attachment with our caregivers is the primary goal for young, helpless children. These learnings impact our development, because we quickly begin to embrace whatever gets us love and attention, and shut down and label as “bad” any parts that get rejected, criticized, or invalidated. 那么什么是脑回路呢？在生命早期，我们的大脑会学习很多新东西，例如在什么情况下能获得爱、理解和关注，以及在什么情况下会遭到拒绝、惩罚和冷落。我们收集的这些“数据”对我们的生存至关重要，因为在幼小、无助的孩子看来，尽可能与养育者保持紧密的依恋关系是首要目标。这一学习过程影响着我们的成长，因为我们很快就会开始喜欢能让我们得到爱和关注的那部分自我，同时压抑会让我们遭受拒绝、批评和冷落的那部分自我，并且给它们打上“坏”的标签。
Now, here’s the thing: no parts of us are actually bad. Underneath “Send my baby sister back to the hospital! I hate her!” is a child in pain, with massive abandonment fears and a sense of threat looming in the family; underneath the defiance of taking that cookie is probably a child who feels unseen and controlled in other parts of her life; and underneath that incomplete school assignment is a child who is struggling and likely feels insecure. Underneath “bad behavior” is always a good child. And yet, when parents chronically shut down a behavior harshly without recognizing the good kid underneath, a child internalizes that they are bad. And badness has to be shut down at all costs, so a child develops methods, including harsh self-talk, to chastise himself, as a way of killing off the “bad kid” parts and instead finding the “good kid” ones—meaning the parts that get approval and connection. 问题是，我们没有哪个部分是真的坏。“把妹妹送回医院！我讨厌她！”这句话的背后，藏着一个痛苦的、身陷被抛弃的巨大恐惧、感到家里危机四伏的孩子；在偷吃饼干的反抗行为背后，藏着一个时常遭到冷落、在生活里四处受限的孩子；而在未完成的作业背后，藏着一个正在困境中挣扎、缺失安全感的孩子。在所谓的坏行为背后，总是藏着一个好孩子。可是，如果父母总是严厉地约束孩子的行为，却看不到行为背后的那个好孩子，孩子就会把评价内化，认为自己是坏孩子。而“坏”必须不惜一切代价根除，所以孩子就想出了许多办法，例如自我苛责、自我惩罚，以此来杀死心里的“坏孩子”，找到心里的“好孩子”，即能够得到关注和认可的那部分自我。
So what did you, as a child, learn comes after “bad” behavior? Did your body learn to wire for judgment, punishment, and aloneness . . . or boundaries, empathy, and connection? Or, put more simply, now that we know a person’s “bad behavior” is really a sign that they’re struggling on the inside: Did you learn to approach your struggles with criticism . . . or compassion? With blame or curiosity? 那么，身为一个孩子，你从“坏”行为当中学到了什么？你的脑回路是形成于评判、惩罚和冷落之下，还是建立在行为规则、共情和亲密当中？或者简单说（现在我们已经知道，人的“坏”行为实际上是内心挣扎的信号），你学会了用什么样的方式来对待你内心的挣扎？是批评，还是同情？是责备，还是好奇？
How our caregivers responded to us becomes how we in turn respond to ourselves, and this sets the stage for how we respond to our children. This is why it’s so easy to create an intergenerational legacy of “internal badness”: my parents reacted to my struggles with harshness and criticism → I learned to doubt my goodness when I am having a hard time → I now, as an adult, meet my own struggles with self-blame and self-criticism → my child, when he acts out, activates this same circuitry in my body → I am compelled to react with harshness to my child’s struggles → I build the same circuitry in my child’s body, so my child learns to doubt his goodness when he struggles → and so on and so forth. 我们儿时的养育者回应我们的方式，随后会成为我们回应自己的方式，而我们也会将这一方式传递给下一代。于是，本心之“坏”便会轻而易举地在代际间循环。小时候，对于我内心的挣扎，父母的反应是苛责和批评→于是我学会了在犯错时怀疑自己的“好”→成年后，我继续用自责和自我批评来回应自己的挣扎→后来，我的孩子犯了错，激活了我早已形成的脑回路→我只能严厉对待孩子→于是，孩子形成了同样的脑回路，也学会了在内心挣扎时怀疑自己的好→如此循环往复。
The Most Generous Interpretation (MGI)
Finding the good inside can often come from asking ourselves one simple question: “What is my most generous interpretation of what just happened?” I ask myself this often with my kids and my friends, and I’m working on asking it more in my marriage and with myself. Whenever I utter these words, even internally, I notice my body soften and I find myself interacting with people in a way that feels much better. 要找回本心的好，我们往往可以问自己一个简单的问题：“对于刚才发生的事情，我最善意的解释是什么？”在跟我的孩子们和朋友们相处时，我经常这样问自己。我也努力在婚姻中和自己身上多问这个问题。每当我说出这句话，哪怕只是在心里默问，我都能感受到自己的身体柔软了下来，都能发现自己与他人相处起来舒服了很多。
Let’s walk through an example: You’re planning to take your older son out to lunch, solo, for his birthday, and you decide to gently prepare your younger son a few days ahead of time. “I wanted to let you know about Saturday’s plan,” you say. “Daddy and I are going to take Nico out to lunch for his birthday. Grandma will come over and stay with you while we’re out for an hour or so.” Your younger son responds: “You and Daddy are going out with Nico without me? I hate you! You’re the worst mom in the world!” Wow, what just happened? And how do you respond? Here are some options: 1) “The worst mom? I just bought you a new toy! You’re so ungrateful!” 2) “When you say that, it makes Mommy sad.” 3) Ignore. Walk away. 4) “Wow, those are big words, let me take a breath . . . I hear how upset you are. Tell me more.” I like option 4, because it’s the intervention that makes sense after considering the most generous interpretation of my child’s behavior. The first option interprets my son’s response as simply spoiled and ungrateful. The second teaches my son that his feelings are too powerful and scary to be managed, that they harm others and threaten attachment security with a caregiver. (We’ll get into more detail about attachment in chapter 4, but the short of it is this: focusing on a child’s impact on us sets the stage for codependence, not regulation or empathy.) The third option sends the message that I believe my son is unreasonable, and his concerns are unimportant to me. But my MGI of my child’s response is this: “Hmm. My son really wishes he was included in this special lunch. I can understand that. He’s sad. And jealous. Those feelings are so big in his small body that they explode out of him in the form of big hurtful words, but what’s underneath is a raw, painful set of feelings.” The intervention that comes next—the empathetic statements based on seeing my child as good inside— acknowledges his words as a sign of overwhelming pain, not as a sign of his being a bad kid.
我们来举个例子。你准备在大儿子生日那天带他出去吃饭，但你并不打算带小儿子一起去。你想提前几天把这件事告诉小儿子。你说：“我跟你说说星期六的安排，那天尼科过生日，我和爸爸要带他出去吃午饭，大概一个小时左右。到时候奶奶会来咱们家陪你。”听了你的话，你的小儿子不高兴了：“你们带尼科出去不带我？我讨厌你！你是这个世界上最坏的妈妈！”
刚刚发生了什么？你会如何回应小儿子？下面是几个选项。
A.“什么？最坏的妈妈？我刚给你买了新玩具，你有没有良心！”
B.“你这么说让妈妈很伤心。”
C.不理会，走开。
D.“哎呀，听起来好像有点严重，让我想想……我能听出来，你很生气，你能再说说吗？”
我喜欢最后一个选项，因为它对孩子的话语做了最善意的解释，所以是个明智的回应。第一个选项简单粗暴地把孩子的反应跟“惯坏了”“没良心”画上了等号。第二个选项是在告诉孩子，他的感受太强烈、太可怕，不仅伤害了别人，甚至威胁到了他与养育者的依恋关系。（我们会在准则4里详细讨论依恋关系，简单来说，强调孩子对父母的影响会导致依赖共生，而不会提高孩子的调节和共情能力。）第三个选项传递的信息是，我认为孩子不可理喻，而且他关心的事情对我来说一点也不重要。但是，对于孩子的反应，我做出的最善意的解释是这样的：“嗯，我儿子特别希望他也能参加这次特别的午餐，我能理解他的这一心情。他很难过，也很嫉妒。这些感受在他小小的身体里再也装不下，于是就变成伤人的话爆发了出来。可是，这些话的背后却藏着一颗被刺得生疼的心。”看到孩子的善良本心之后，我们就能借助充满共情的语言来表示我们听懂了他的话和话里隐藏的巨大痛苦，而非据此判断他是个坏孩子。
Self-regulation skills rely on the ability to recognize internal experience, so by focusing on what’s inside rather than what’s outside, we are building in our children the foundation of healthy coping.Choosing the most generous interpretation of your child’s behavior does not mean you are “being easy” on them, but rather you are framing their behavior in a way that will help them build critical emotion regulation skills for their future—and you’re preserving your connection and close relationship along the way. 孩子的自我调节能力来自对内心的感知，因此，我们关注孩子的内心世界而非外在表现，就是在为孩子将来能够更好地应对问题打下基础。选择对孩子的行为做出最善意的解释并不是要惯着孩子，而是要在重塑孩子行为的同时帮助他们提升对未来至关重要的情绪调节能力，同时也不影响亲子关系。
Here’s another reason I like thinking in terms of MGI: at all times, but especially when our kids are dysregulated—meaning their emotions overwhelm their current coping skills—they look to their parents to understand, “Who am I right now? Am I a bad kid doing bad things . . . or am I a good kid having a hard time?” Our kids form their own self-view by taking in their parents’ answers to these questions. If we want our kids to have true self-confidence and to feel good about themselves, we need to reflect back to our kids that they are good inside, even as they struggle on the outside. 我喜欢从最善意的角度考虑问题的另一个原因是，在任何时候，特别是在孩子情绪失控（即情绪超出孩子的应对能力）时，他们都需要通过父母的眼睛来为一些问题找到答案。例如：“此刻的我是个什么样的孩子？我到底是做了坏事的坏孩子，还是情绪有些崩溃的好孩子？”孩子通过认同父母对这些问题的回答来形成他们对自身的看法。如果我们想让孩子获得真正的自信，感觉自己是好的，我们就要告诉孩子，他们的本心是好的，哪怕他们在行为上存在问题。
All good decisions start with feeling secure in ourselves and in our environment, and nothing feels more secure than being recognized for the good people we truly are. 人首先要对自己和周围的环境感到安心，然后才能做出好的决定，而最能让人感到安心的就是被认可为好人（我们本来就是好人）
