柔软而坚定

不知道陈百乐会不会看到这篇。如果看到，会高兴还是不高兴。最近，我梦见前男友，好几次。但梦里的主角并不是他，都是他要来找我，我要跑，甚至表现出了对他的嫌弃，我要去找陈百乐。每次如此。醒来的时候我忍不住感叹，对陈百乐的喜欢和爱，在梦里居然也这么坚定。

Not sure my husband would be happy or upset if he reads this diary. Recently, I dreamed about my ex, a few times. But my ex is not the leading role in my dream. Every time, my ex was chasing after me and I refused，I was so determined to see my husband. There are times I can't help thinking, my love and affection for my husband, were so steadfast even in my dream.

虽然我明确地知道我是想要孩子的，但在怀孕的一开始，太多身体上精神上的难受，还是击倒过我无数次。

Though I made it super clear to myself that I want a baby, at the beginning of being pregnant, the enormous amount of uncomfortable mental & physical symptoms knocked me over.

进入怀孕的第35周，我的情绪慢慢稳定下来。这不得不说，有很大一部分陈百乐的功劳。他让我感觉到真切的被在意，被关心，被尊重。我是首先作为他的妻子被看到的，而不仅仅是孩子的妈妈。

Entering the 35th week of pregnancy, my mood and feelings stabilized gradually. I must admit, my husband ought to take most of the credit. He makes me truly feel concerned, cared for, and respected. I am firstly seen as his wife, not just the mother of the child.

有一个晚上，我们突然聊到了以后老了死了要埋在哪里。因为我们生活在上海，都是外地人，他来自湖北，我来自安徽。我们都去给双方家里去世的长辈上过坟，他家的都在老家山上，周围都是家里亲戚。我家的都在城市陵园，周围都是老邻居。

One night, we talked about where should we get buried after gone for good. We are living at Shanghai and are all outsiders. He comes from Hubei and I come from Anhui. We have gone to pay respects to the deceased elders of both families. His families are all in the mountains of their hometown, surrounded by relatives. My families are all in the city cemetery, surrounded by old neighbors.

我不想埋在上海，这里不是我的家。我说。

但如果在安徽或者湖北的话，小满应该去看我们不太方便吧？他问我。

I don't want to be buried at Shanghai, this is not my home, I said.

But if it's in Anhui or Hubei, shouldn't it be too convenient for Xiaoman to visit us? He asked me.

可是就算是上海，小满一年也不一定来看我们一次呀。我说。

也是。墓地还贵。他说。

But even in Shanghai, Xiaoman doesn't necessarily come to see us once a year. I said.

Right. Not to mention the cemetery is expensive. He said.

那我还是跟你去湖北吧，至少家人都在周围。我回答。但是想到了我那以后肯定要长睡在家乡的父母。心里还是难过。

Then I'd better go to Hubei with you, at least your family is all around. I answered. But when I think of my parents who will definitely sleep in my hometown for a long time from then on. I feel so truly sad.

画风到这里，陈百乐突然略带悲伤地说，如果他英年早逝了，就把他的骨灰撒进海里。我说不要。我们当然应该是要埋葬一起的呀。他却说，如果去世得早，我会再结婚，应该和另一个丈夫埋在一起。所以就让他一个人就好。

My husband suddenly and sadly said， if he died young just shake him into the ocean. I said no. We should be sleeping together forever. But he said if he died young， I would get married again and should be buried with my second husband. So just let him be alone.

这话题的沉重简直出奇得悲伤了。我在被窝里慢慢抹泪。只是不经意地想到没有陈百乐的生活，对我来说都那么难以接受。从来没有奢望，却拥有了这样一份，柔软而坚定的爱。

The chat became ridiculously sad. And I started to cry quietly in the bed. Just picturing life without him is unbearable to me. I never thought I could have such soft but firm love.