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Around December many holidays and annual leaves are waiting. I haven't gone anywhere this whole year, the accumulated leaves to clear is a blessing. I spend a few weekday mornings here and there to sleep, wake up at ten, a late breakfast then make up, take two school holiday kids to the nearby shopping mall, shop around, take lunch, go home at half past one, just in time to prepare afternoon work, meeting starts at two o’clock and lasts until the evening, when the 9pm or 10pm meeting is over. It still feels rather a full day work than half vacation.

I lost count of time. Everyday so similar to the other, when look back I can't figure out which is which. I have to force myself doing some daily activity to keep tracking of days, like survivors living on a deserted island, use coconut shells to record the date on the cave wall every day. Still I somehow forgot one day or two then lost count again. Reading several books concurrently, from different ages, opened more threads, Of Human Bondage, Tristes Tropiques, Die Welt von Gestern, The Handmaid's Tale. The past and the future are intertwined every day, and time longitudinally unfolds like geological faults. Time seems to be no longer a measurement. Books and reality form a three-dimensional coordinate system, and time is measured by reading.

Every month there is this one day special, I take a full day leave, accompanying my father to doctor appointments. Western Follow-up consultation in the morning, Chinese traditional medicine treatment in the afternoon, and Ding Tai Fung for lunch.

This is a monthly date with my father, In the clinic waiting lounge. This Wednesday, a silent cartoon plays on a wall mounted TV, a zebra family, the zebra father in working uniform, the zebra mother in an apron, watching their kids having breakfast, the zebra sister and brother are buck-tooth. Besides us, there is another patient waiting at the lounge sitting at the other end, around 50 years old man wearing full black, black tight shirts, black tight jeans, black canvas, slim but not tall, arms with colorful tattoos.

My father sat next to me after the blood test, we will need to wait two hours for the results to come to see the doctor as usual. We follow this oncology doctor for two years now, used to be weekly now monthly, shifts around a few chain clinics. We like to book on Wednesday, he shifts to this clinic located in the city center, although the smallest of all, waiting lounge tiny, but since with malls around, most patients and visitors have sufficient choice of places nearby to kill the waiting time. We used to book the appointment on Tuesday. The remote and silent area have to take taxis, very spacious waiting lounge with more client friendly equipment, eg. coffee machine and snack counter, yet as often so crowded due to everyone nowhere else to go.

The CBD department store was empty on weekdays, all up Christmas decorations, with jazz music in the background, Along the escalator moving up, the theme seemed to be luxurious loneliness.I went up to the top floor where the customer service counter located to exchange my credit card points into gift cards.

With too much bright artification lighting, too shining floor, few guests around all wearing masks, it looks very spacious. There is an open cafe next to the escalator on the second floor, I smell it rather saw it first, not many seats. With several empty taped cross in between, a few shopping guests masks off to drink coffee and eat snacks. somewhat feel normal as the old days. I shall take another full day off bring my macbook here to type this.

In fact, I made a list of places wantting to go, Quebec, Yokohama, London, Prague, when everything returns to normal. We used to plan the trip so casure, take a week or two work off, booking a flight plus hotel where you can fly to vacation. Now with a big pause. The world cease to run this way. Last year me would be very surprised, is it a sciencific fiction movie?

The doctor’s consultation was smooth, my father's condition improving, the blood test report without warning sign. Too small and scatterd spots to use chemal again, No more Western medical treatment other than calcium supplement. After lunch at Ding Tai Fung we take a train to chinese traditional medicine clinic.

The escalator from the subway station up to the ground leads to a bright yellow Roman-style dome. It is much simpler, you might notice the dirt marks on the air condition vents along the bottom. Yet it is still magnificent; a dome design brings nature light in, with passengers line up moving in and out of it, like an illusion of sacredness rebirth.

All lives passby live only once. No matter how ordinary people they are, there is no duplicated version. Think about it, everyone born only once and after death it's gone, disappeared. Kings and emperors want another live to continue their respect and abundant life. Yet ordinary people suffering enough each day might not think so.

To what extent people are free, with accumulated knowledge on cancer treatment, we are under control by endocrine, gene programing, immune system reaction, daily diet and environmental changes.

I start to notice this obvious sign, my body is fully under controlled by hormones. Migraine are scheduled on the hormones turning day after ovulation, in between of period, It is difficult for my spirit to say no to my body.

Two days before the menstrual period, I was extremely tired and wanted to sleep. This time is on Saturday. The task of sending my elder daughter to art class in the morning easier than handle full day work. At the waiting room I almost fall alseep, after class gather strengh take her to her favirate japaness curry noodle restaurant for lunch. When we came back home finally around 2 o'clock, I lay on the sofa want to have a rest and read a book, but my mind was too heavy. I closed my eyes and soon fell asleep all the way to dinner time. During this period, I could hear my family members discussing dinner and I wanted to say a word but my eyelids were so heavy that I couldn't open them. After struggling a few times, I give up just let them prepare whatever dinner they want.

I always feel that the process of death is like this. Only in the end you can't wake up anymore. I woke up with a headache and a heavy head, but the strength came back slowly.

What does dying feel like? extreme sleepiness that can’t even lift the eyelid during a dream? I had this in my dream last night and it’s quite frequent in my dream, sometimes levels of it, when I struggle to open my eyes against the sleepiness i’m only wake up in another dream.

Is life a structure of church building like or a shopping mall, where stand in the center of the lobby you can watch all the way up, there are staircases or escalator or lifts can bring you up and down conveniently, by exploring up and down you are in and out of day/night, reality/dream, is the daily life the ultimate ceiling? or the marble floor. It feels solid like the floor. but dream is way much more hierarchically splendid downbelow.

One night I was dreaming and felt a stomachache, and it woke me up from layers of dreams. I realized that it was really a stomachache. Maybe I eat something wrong at dinner. The toilet light is too dazzling, I can't open my eyes. I had diarrhea, like water. After that I feel much better, it's four o'clock in the morning. As usual, after going to the toilet, my butt hurts, especially diarrhea. But fortunately, I'm going back to bed so is much easier than bear it with a meeting.

I wake up again at nine o'clock, the benefits of diarrhea in the middle of the night is no need to suffer the morning bowl movement in the morning, the beginning of the day I feel like a normal person, no endure of the pain breakfast and during the meeting. The appetite for lunch is also very good, like a normal person after a day, I start to consider it is better to shift the toilet time to before sleep. I adjusted my schedule, suppressed the primitive impulse in the morning, and delayed until bedtime, after intimate activities, so that my body can be restored calmly in my sleep, and I woke up the next day as normal again. My body seems to be a project at work. In order to resolve a conflict, I can re-organize and optimize the process, and then follow the new procedure to solve the problem. Life a project plan, as long as you have not retired, the projects never end, there will always be a next week.

进入十二月以后假期越来越多。一年下来哪里也没去，年假多到用不完，一星期里面拿几个上午来睡懒觉。十点钟起床，慢吞吞洗漱，十一点多带两个学校假期的野孩子去附近商场逛逛，吃午饭，一点半回家，两点钟开会，下午的班断续开会，一直到晚上，九、十点的会开完。也是满满当当的一天，丝毫没有休假的感觉。

我终于对时间失去了概念。要刻意保持一些每天打卡的事，像流落荒岛的幸存者每天用椰子壳在岩洞壁上记录日期。仍然不小心忘了然后一下过去好几天。每一天和另一天的区别越来越不明显。同时看着几本书，不同年代的，开了更多线程，人性的枷锁，忧郁的热带，昨日的世界，使女的故事。过去和未来每天交织在一起，时间纵向展开为地质断层的剖面。时间好像不再是度量衡，书与现实构成立体的坐标系，用阅读衡量时间。

每个月有一天是比较凸出的记忆。请一整天假陪爸爸复诊看医生，上午西医，下午中医，中午吃鼎泰丰，是和爸爸单独约会的日子。

西医等候室里墙上的电视无声放着动画片，斑马一家的早晨，斑马爸爸穿着工作装，斑马妈妈带着围裙，斑马姐弟俩在吃早饭，姐姐是龅牙。等候区还有一个刚验完血的病人，看起来五十出头但身形矫健，帆布鞋，一身黑紧身衣衬出肌肉的形状，短袖下面露出胳膊上的彩色纹身。我陪爸爸看这个癌症医生两年了，熟悉每一个疗程以至于总觉得有一天我也会从病患家属晋升为病人坐在这里。

爸爸验血完坐回我旁边，像往常一样等两小时验血结果出来看医生。在这个医生轮班的几间连锁诊所中星期三这间在最热闹的市中心，等候区最小，因为多数病人会利用等待时间四处逛逛。星期二的诊所在比较偏僻幽静的地方，等候室很大，咖啡机点心柜台齐全，人也最多，因为附近没有商场也没有可以好好吃饭的地方， 所以周二的话就会看完医生回家吃饭。

工作日的商业中心百货公司空空荡荡的，全体圣诞节的装饰，爵士乐在背景缭绕，我顺便去顶楼顾客服务中心用信用卡积分换礼物卡，乘自动扶梯一层层浏览上去，主题像是奢华的寂寥。照明过分明亮，地板也反着光，全因为顾客稀少而显得分外宽敞。二楼扶梯旁有开放式咖啡座，座位不多，聚集了稍多购物歇脚的客人，隔着贴了胶带划叉的座位，摘下口罩喝咖啡，吃点心，终于有些往日的人气。闻起来很香，我想着哪天不如请一天假带着macbook来这里打字。

其实我还列了一系列清单等恢复正常了想去魁北克，横滨，伦敦，布拉格。可以随时请出一两个星期假的工作，马上订机票酒店飞去度假的地方，这样的日子突然被按下暂停键。去年的我会觉得现在的一切好像科幻片吧。

目前爸爸的身体状况日渐好转中，症状很轻微，验血报告逐项也没有超过警戒线，暂时用不上再次化疗这样的牛刀，医生松懈下来像十八世纪的西医除了补钙没有什么治疗方案，下午看中医拿药。

坐地铁来到中医附近的地铁站，上来地面的扶梯顶上是一个硕大明黄的罗马式穹顶，当然构造简单很多，仔细观察还可以看到一圈空调换气口的污垢。但是因为圆顶设计了宽阔的光路，室外的自然光照下来，照着扶梯上每个列队经过的人，有一种神圣，重生的错觉。每个人在这世上都只活一次。再普通的人也是独此一个的版本。想想看：每个人只出生一次，死后就消失了。帝王对重生寄予的厚望，对荣耀尊严荣华富贵的不舍，换做普通人的话每日劳作担心生计这一辈子已经够了。

人在多大程度上是自由的，除了外界横加的束缚，人的身体本身也被各种因素牢牢控制着，内分泌，基因，免疫力，饮食，环境。跟随癌症治疗这方面知识的积累，我开始注意到一些相当明显的迹象，比如以为随机发生的偏头痛其实是很准时受周期性荷尔蒙的影响。排卵期结束后，以及经期要来的前两天，极度疲倦，想睡觉。

这一期幸好是周六，上午送大女儿美术课的任务一如既往，等候室歪着差点睡着，强撑到下课陪她吃完她想吃的日式咖喱面回到家，大概两点多，我说在沙发上躺一会儿看手机但是脑子沉沉的，合上眼就直接睡到了晚饭时间。期间可以听到家人在商量晚饭，想发表意见可是眼皮很重怎么也睁不开，挣扎了几次未果就随他们去了。

这种怎么挣扎也醒不来的状态我觉得死的过程就是这样吧。只不过最后也不再醒来。有时我会做这样的梦，挣扎着醒来其实还是在梦里，只是另外一层梦境。最后的最后我还是醒过来了，虽然头疼，头很重，但是力气渐渐恢复。生命是不是像一个宫殿，或者商场，像梦境一样很多层。死是最高一层，站上屋顶一阵辽阔的轻松，或者地下，最底层，沉沉的陷入大地与之融为一体。

有一天晚上做梦感觉肚子疼，一阵一阵的，把我从一层层梦境里弄醒过来，发觉是真的肚子疼，可能晚饭吃坏了。爬起来上厕所，洗手间灯太刺眼，眼睛还睁不开。果然拉肚子，像水一样，拉完肚子终于不疼了，看了眼时间，凌晨四点。照例上完厕所屁股疼，特别是拉肚子，好在回床睡觉，比开会忍痛容易些。

再次醒闹钟开在九点，屁股已经不疼了，半夜拉肚子的好处，早晨不用上厕所，一天的开始就像正常人了，开会的时候不用忍受疼痛。午饭胃口也很好，像假正常人过完一天，不如就每天晚上洗完澡睡前上厕所吧。洗澡时揉着自己凸起的小腹怀疑，是臃肿的肥肉呢还是怀揣着肠末端肿瘤呢。照例睡前搜搜内外痔肛裂，千篇一律可是看到实在疼痛难忍才需要治疗，又安慰一些，不知是不严重呢自己太能忍。

因为这个意外的发现我调整了自己的生理作息，压抑清晨宿便的原始冲动，一直拖延至睡前，亲密活动之后，从而可以让身体在睡梦中从容修复，第二天醒来又是正常人的一天。我的身体好像一项工作内容，为了解决局部冲突可以从整体上优化流程，然后按照新流程重新按部就班解决问题。把人生当作项目，客观对待生命周期，审视优先级，制定方案。只要还没有退休，项目是永远做不完的。永远会有下一个星期。