[中/EN] 幼稚与成熟的爱/Childish vs. Mature Love and Relationship

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为什么我爱你，不能够让你明白？

这大概是我们听得最多的对爱的疑问了。没有什么比爱更美，更令人着迷也更令人挫败和困惑不解的了。爱是最能牵动着我们理智与情感的事物，不管是悲伤还是快乐的。

那如何去获得和付出爱呢？

这是每个人都需要不断去寻思和探索的命题。它不简单，但也绝对没有我们想象中的那么难。

依照自然界最广泛适用的定律：要想获得和掌握一样东西，我们得先从了解其开始。要想破解爱的密码，我们就必须先了解爱的密码学。我会帮助此刻正在阅读的你踏出爱的第一步，在这里介绍两种截然不同爱的形式和表现。

只有掌握了成熟和幼稚的爱的不同，了解爱这门艺术后，我们才能具备爱人的能力，真正地去爱一个人，而不是再在一段段失败的感情中困惑不解。

区别一：

幼稚版：没办法，他又不是那个“对的人”。

成熟形：很抱歉，我还不够成熟和具备爱人的能力。

产生这一问题的本质是，大部分人认为爱的问题根源是爱的对象而不是爱的能力，爱其实很简单，困难的是找到爱或者被爱的对象。

但事实却恰恰相反，要想获得爱必须自己发挥主观能动性去了解和学会爱，以具备爱人的能力，从自我毁灭性般的力量中救出自己，而不是等待“那个人”的出现来让自己变得完整。

在人格健全发展（成熟）的道路上没有捷径，也没有人能真正帮助你完成这一艰难过程，即使是你的伴侣。就算伴侣/亲密关系能够暂时帮助我们缓解无法逃避的恐惧和疼痛，但真正的克服却需要我们下定决心去完成。就如心理医生无法疗愈不想自我治愈的病人，健身教练无法帮助没有下定决心锻炼的学员减脂。

区别二：

幼稚版：总是想向对方展示自己最好的一面，对伴侣与自己存在的问题却避而不谈或避免产生正面交锋。就如拍照时总是在寻找最佳的角度那样。

成熟形：能够最大化诚实地面对自己与伴侣，并在客观现实的基础上通过持续开诚布公的交流和认识中加深对彼此的爱。不管多残酷、多麻烦或者多不吸引人。

真正成熟的爱建立在彼此信任、了解、诚实、宽容、相互独立的客观现实上，而不是在充满不安、怀疑、谎言、捆绑的情绪中。爱是一种积极的，赋予人力量和希望的活动，而不是被俘虏的情绪。

区别三：

幼稚版：在性交合后无法正视自己和对方，心底只希望对方能马上离开。因为没有人想要和一个不爱的人分享自己最私密的睡眠时间，更不用说抱着对方入睡这样亲密的行为了。

成熟形：在性交合后觉得离真正了解对方更进了一步。因为带着爱和温柔的性爱让两人暂时完成了自与母体分离后的“结合”，使得两人的距离和与世界间的隔绝感减少了。

人最初出现在母体中是与母亲一体的，是完整的。自诞生后我们需要去面对自己是被分离的、孤独的、不完整的事实，并不断地克服这种客观存在的孤独，以摆脱孤独的监禁。

性纵欲是现代社会一种最常用且暂时有效的缓解方法。但是需要注意的是，如果对性交合的对象没有爱，即无法与对方通过性完成“结合”，那么事后这种孤独和恐惧感会更强烈地向自己袭来。而我们只能不断地重复此步骤去暂时性地减轻这种孤寂感，是谓“上瘾”。

区别四：

幼稚版：无法接受伴侣与他人交谈时露出了比与自己交谈时更开心的笑脸。

成熟形：爱伴侣的同时也透过伴侣爱身边的所有人，包括自己。

博爱是一切形式爱的基础。倘若你能够爱身边的每一个人，那自然么你也会懂得去爱自己，爱你最亲密的伴侣。而自爱是检验博爱的一个很好的标准。一个不爱自己的人根本无暇顾及爱他人。

倘若真正体会到了博爱与自爱的含义，那么你自然会给予自己和伴侣足够的空间相互成长和发展，而不是在企图控制对方的过程中失去自我的独特性与完整性。

通俗一点来说，爱首先是“给”而不是“得。”且其先决条件是想要与对方建立一种深层的、真诚的联系，而不是单单地把对方当成被帮助或者被爱的对象。爱使两个独立的个体跨越了彼此的鸿沟从而结合到一起，使自己与世界的隔绝感和孤独感逐渐减弱。

就如花代表纯洁的爱一样，成熟的爱犹如果实般沁人心脾。成熟的爱使两人结合却保留着自己的完整性和独特性，同时也能够忠于对方和自己。其最具体可以表现在他是否相信自己对另一个人的爱可以唤起对方爱的回应。如果没有，则代表着他的爱仍然是不成熟的、软弱的，是一种不幸。

在爱情里，“给”意味着“得”，你在给予对方爱的同时也收获了爱一个人的喜悦和勇气，那种生机勃勃的感觉犹如无价的财富。就如创作者在获知接收者能从其作品有所收获后产生了新的创作能力，心理医生在治愈病人时也治愈了自己。

爱并不是性满足的产物，更不是我们抵御孤独和逃避自我的避风港。爱是关心，是责任心，是认识和尊重。

关心是出于爱一个人自发产生的积极的欲望本能。而责任心更不是一种义务，是一种自发性的对他人的关心。我们只有认识一个人，才能够客观地了解他的真实形态并在爱中了解他的本质，而不仅仅是停留于自己的迷恋和幻想之中。尊重一个人则永远是建立在认识和了解对方的基础上的。

成熟的人可以很好地结合运用以上四个要素。在目睹了幼稚的爱对自己与他人的剥夺、放纵、伤害后，他们克服了自己的自恋、依赖与无知，用谦恭、理智和自信的力量去全心全意地创造爱。

Why it’s so hard to make you understand the fact that I love you?

This may be the most typical FAQ we have seen for love. There is nothing could be more beautiful, charming but also the most frustrating and mysterious thing than love in theworld. Love affects every sense and sensibility deep down us, no matter happy or sad.

How do we attain and give love?

This is an ultimate question for human beings that we should devote to think and explore. It’s not easy but it’s definitely not that hard.

Let’s start with the most original and natural way; if we want to attain and master an object, we need to know it first. To make ourselves able to decode the code of love, we need to learn and know the cryptography of love first. I will help you to start the firststep, introducing twodifferent loves here.

Only if we understand the difference from a childish and mature love, know the art of loving, we are capable to love a person instead of being frustrated and puzzled about everyfailed relationship.

Difference no.1:

Childish: Well, he is not the right one, it’s not my fault.

Mature: I’m sorry, I’m still not mature and capable enough to love a person.

The nature of this problem is the assumption that the problem of love is the problem of an object. People think that to love is simple, but that to find the right object to love/to be loved by is difficult.

Unfortunately, the fact is quite the opposite. Capable of loving requires us to know and learn to love initiatively as the beginning. We need to salvage and complete ourselves before the self-destruction comes or he shows up.

There are no short-cuts to the wholeness and that other people, including their romantic partners, cannot perform the hard work of integration for them. Even the partner/relationship could help us to ease the inevitable fear and pain transitorily, we need to be determined to overcome it ourselves.

For example, the psychologist could not heal the patient if he’s not prepared for the cure. The fitness trainer could not help their students to lose weight if they are not determined to do it.

Difference no.2:

Childish: Only want to show the strength and capacity of themselves but ignore the problems of themselves and their partner. Like the scenario when taking a picture, they are always on the way to find the best angle to do it.

Mature: Be honest with themself and their partner to the uttermost, strengthening their love by open and sincere communications and knowledge. They are rooted in reality, regardless of how cruel, complicated, or unattractive it appears.

Mature love is founded on trust, knowledge, honesty, tolerance, independence and reality; not a world full of anxiety, suspicion, lies, criticism and bondage.

Love is an active, not a passive effect. It is a‘standing in,’not a‘falling for.’

Difference no.3:

Childish: Disable to face their heart and the sex partner after the sex activity. It would be perfect if the sex partnersuggests leaving on their own immediately. Nobody wants to share the intimate sleeping time with a person they don’t care, not to mention the intimate behavior of cuddling each other to sleep.

Mature: Feel more connected and intimate with each other after sex. The erotic love with love and tenderness makes two people fused again after the born and separateness from the body of their mother, which helps to reduce the separateness and aloneness with the world and each other.

We feel complete and secure when staying on the body of our mom. But after the born, we need to face the reality that we are separate, alone, and incomplete in this world.

The deepest need of a man, is to overcome his separateness to relieve himself from the prison of his aloneness. One way of achieving this aim is the sexual orgiastic solution, it’s natural and efficient in modern life; but if we overuse it to relieve from the separateness, it will result in an ever-increasing sense of separatenesssince the sexual act without love never bridges the gap between twohuman beings, except momentarily. It’s transitory and periodical, like an addiction.

Difference no.4:

Childish: Will be tortured if their partner looks happier when talking with others than talking with themselves.

Mature: Love their partner and they also brotherly love everyone including themselves.

The brotherly love is the most fundamental kind of love underlying all types of love. Love of one person implies love of man including himself as much. And Self-love could be a productive standard to examine if an individual love brotherly. If he can love only others, he cannot love at all.

Once he understands the implication of brotherly love and self-love, he will surely give space to their partner and themselves to grow instead of attempting to control others with the loss of their integrity and individuality.

Generally, love is about‘giving’instead of‘receiving’, provided they don’t just treat each other as objects to love or help, but are related to each other in a genuine and productive way.

Love is an active power in man, a power breaks through the walls which separate man from his fellow men, which unites him with others; love makes him overcome the sense of isolation and separateness.

Just as flowers represent pure love, mature love is a pleasant and refreshing fruit.

Love fuses two individuals. It permits him to be himself, to retain his integrity and individuality, and be loyal to each other at the same time. More specifically, that is, he believes in his love could produce love and make himself a loved person. If not, his love is still immature, weak, a misfortune.

In love, giving means receiving, you receive the joy, the strength, the aliveness, the wealth. Just like the creator has developed a new creative ability after learning that the recipient gets inspired by his work, the psychologist healed himself when cured the patient.

Love is not an outcome of mutual sexual satisfaction, not even a haven of aloneness and self-escape.

Genuine love implies care, respect, responsibility, and knowledge. The concern comes from our natural instinct to love a person. And responsibility doesn’t denote duty but an entirely voluntary act to express your care and concern to another individual. Only if we know a person, we could understand the real him and his nature objectively instead of staying on the illusion and infatuation. Lastly, respecting a person is always rooted in the reality of knowing a person.

A mature and integrated person is able to use these 4 elements of love productively. Witnessing the deprivation, indulgence, and hurt that the childish love did for themselves and others; they overcome the narcissism, dependency, and ignorance; and has faith in his humility, reason, and confidence to create love with his whole heart.

INFJ原创公众号：Water森