Shall We Talk
親愛的外公：
你好嗎？
最近我狀態不太好，所以沒法好好説話。我想你能看得懂。
Things are not going well with my life. There's nothing good aboutTV news. Every morning I wake up with frustration and realize it's another shitty day ahead of me. I have a bad headache this morning, and it continues till now like my nerve is pulled by some invisible forces. I want to talk about the sickness, otherwise, I might collapse. It’s not a good idea to share my thoughts with my closest friends, as I worried it might make them depress. Also, after undergoing depression several times these years, I have, figuratively, sent out restriction orders to most of my friends. I quietly retreat into the background, feelinglike I am a monster to them who are 100% normal. But I think you would love to hear from me, actually, you are the only one I could talk to without considering any consequences. So here it goes.
I am replaying this song for hundreds of times these two days. It was a big hit when it was released. I did not know this song until last Sunday and I felt the lyrics read my mind. It reminds me of the situation I am going through right now, as I can't talk about my worries to my parents. I spend most of time with them, but I have to hide a lot of things from them. It also reminds me of my ex-boyfriend, who was celebrating my birthday this time last year. We rarely contact each other after our break up. I know there's nothing to regret and there's no affection between us any more, but I just feel a bit lonely. As a result, this birthday sucked. I did not eat a cake and secretly wept a bit. I feel more depressed during holidays or special events. Do you know how it feels? It's like everybody else is up to something and have a great life, while I am useless by doing nothing. I tend to become defensive and hard to approach whenever someone is friendly to me. I believe in this way no one would want to make friends with me and thus, they will not be hurt by my inconstant temperament.
This song also recalls the memory of those friends who have been kept out of my life. I do not hate them, instead, I miss them so much. Especially Iris. We used to have long talks about our deepest fear and our favourite books. The spiritual connection is what I am always looking for in each type of relationship. Well, she's not around any more. I shut the door between us intentionally after last year’s educational accident. But I miss her a lot. She would know my thoughts about death. Yes, death, it silently ruffles me again. Recently, when I was standing by the window, letting the cold wind blow into my hair, I was wondering how it would feel to fall. I will not execute it soon, but there's no guarantee, especially the aspiration to talk to you tempts me to do it. Also, I will choose a more comfortable way to commit a suic...Don’t you worry. It’s not the time yet because I shudder at this kind of thoughts. I know having a never break down towards some trivial issues happening in life is a sign of weakness. I confess I am extremely weak, mentally. There’s nothing I can do to stop those harmful and ridiculous thoughts hovering in my mind. Maybe I should see a shrink, but I am afraid of taking those medicine with side effects. Once the medicare starts, there’s no expiration.
The Coronavirus pandemic prevents me from taking a walk or having a trip to relax. I do not like wearing face mask. All the sports I usually enjoy watching are suspended, which makes things worse for me. So, I am conducting self rescue, trying to focus on reading some good books and watching inspiring films online. I am studying as well, but not much progress has been made. I write emails to Cathleen, who is suffering melancholia for a longer period of time than I do. My intention was to consoling her. However, I definitely discouraged her instead of helping her cheer up. Damn, I am supposed to be a better friend...
Grandpa, after rambling with you, I feel the rock in my heart is hoisted a bit. Although you hardly replies or stops in my dreams, I know I can always talk toyou without asking “Shall we talk”. Wish to see you soon.
Love and hug,
小路
