processing shame by Louie

睡前瞎听的。

Idon't care. I'm all sweaty.

I don't feel good. I...I ate too much and masturbate too recently. you know that kind of... you know, it's bad like jerk off and run out of the door. cause you run into somebody "uhh, she knows like you just..." you gotta take some time alone to process the shame.

i weighed myself today, i don't know why. i'm not using the information. it's not guiding my behavior. why am i bothering to find out exactly how much of a piece of shit i am.

i weighed myself and i usually hover around 230. 240 today. i weighed 240 pounds, which is... no, it's not okay. because there's no way, like when you go to a doctor you get a fomula for how much you weigh. i'm pretty sure it's not your age plus 200 pounds. i was watching a boxing match today, and both guys, they weighed 110 pounds each, so, both of those guys, still need a fat baby and a dead dog to make me.

and it's really bad because i'm forty and my docter is like " yeah you gotta be less people, you can't be so much." and he starts to ask me about my eating habits, you know, like there's habits, there's a pattern. it's just chaos, and awfulments. it's just desperate. He's like "how many meals and how many bowel movements a day". i'm like "i have no idea, i have no idea, it's just a blur, i'm just shitting and eating all day". i fill pack my body to capacity and it blow out my asshole, that's it. every shit is an emergency. Did i give you some idea of my eating habits?

He's like "dude, look, how soon into a meal do you typically feel full and stop eating?" i'm like" i don't stop eating when i'm full. the meal is not over when i am full. the meal is over when i hate myself. that's when i stop.” i guess normal people eat like "oh that's all the nutrition i require. i just reached it. i will cease the intake now and convert this into useful energy thoughout the day.”