父亲瘦了

作者：周洁茹 译：踪影

好像是一夜之间，父亲瘦了。

　　真瘦啊，衣服穿在身上都显得空落落的。父亲有一阵子可是一个胖子，我给他买衣服，不是大号就是特大号。那时候父亲也很爱吃，西餐中餐，什么都可以接受。

　　过去的一年我没有回家乡。今年父母过来香港，我才突然发现，父亲瘦了，突如其来的瘦，牙也突然坏了，什么都不能吃了。他还笑着说千金难买老来瘦。

　　我很爱写我的母亲，她是一个金句王，每一个句子都比我有趣。我好像没有写过我的父亲，很年轻的时候写过一篇，说从小父亲教我下棋，可是教了20年我下棋还是孩子式的，一路冲下去，从来不会想多一步。

　　后来我变得很忙，每天晚饭后就一个人在房间里写东西，我还会说我其实写不好，那些字没有意思。我只是不下棋了，我也不笑，我很少与父亲说话，我什么都不说。

　　有一天，一回家倒翻出棋盘棋子，对坐在沙发上的父亲说，我们下棋吧。父亲说，为什么。

　　我说我刚刚在车上想的是，什么事情才使我快乐，我就想起来从前，没有什么心事，吃过晚饭就下棋，三局棋下完，就去睡觉。那时候我总能很快就睡着，没烦没恼。我想回到小时候，马上睡着的日子。

　　父亲不说话，他坐了下来，像我的小时候，我们下棋。

　　我输了，连输三局。

　　我说再来再来。

　　父亲说不下了，再下下去，你还是输。

　　我说我会专心。

　　父亲说你是太心急，时间没有教会你成熟。就像下棋，你一直都是讲感觉，从来不考虑下一步，再下一步，于是就没有了退路。我知道，你不说，可是我知道。

　　你已经长大了，不能永远活在神话中，父亲说。我望着父亲的脸，就要哭出来了。

(译文有部分删节)

It seemed as if father lost his weight overnight.

He was so skinny that he looked empty, like a skeleton wearing clothes. Father used to be a fat guy, and there was a time when I bought him clothes either in size L or XL.

Last year I couldn't make it home. So my parents came to Hong Kong to see me this year. It was then that I found him skinny, like all in a sudden. However he laughed, saying "money can't buy you a slim body when you are old!"

Seems like I haven't written about my father, except for once when I was really young. In that article I wrote, father had taught me to play chess since I was a little girl. However, 20 years passed, I still act like a child, playing straight forward, and considering no more than one move.

Then I became quite busy. I didn't play chess any more, I didn't laugh as well. I rarely talked to father, literally nothing to talk.

One day, I rummaged the chessboard and chess pieces as soon as I returned home. Let's play chess, I said to father, who was sitting on the couch. Why, father asked.

I replied, on the way back home, I was thinking about things that could make me happy. And I thought of the old carefree days. We played chess after supper, and three games later I went to bed. At that time there was no worries and troubles, I could always fall asleep in no time. I wanted it back, back to the childhood, back to the days I could fall asleep easily.

Father said nothing. He sat down and we played.

I lost three games straight.

I askes him to play one more.

"It is no use to play anymore," father said, "you will just lose again."

"I will concentrate!" said I.

He said, "You are too impatient. Time has never taught you how to be mature. Like playing chess, you always play it by heart, and never consider the next moves. And it leads to the dead end." "I always knew," said I, "You never told me, but I knew."

I looked at his face, and was about to cry.

我在文章里说我后来不再急切地坐回去写作了，我还说写作是重要的可是不是最重要的，与父亲在灯下下盘棋的幸福肯定胜过了写作的幸福。

　　事实是我又这么写了两年，然后离开了父母，去了更远的远方。我仍然很心急，做事情直接，完全不考虑后面的后面。世界更大了，绝境真的是绝境。

　　有时候也会想一想父亲说过的话，想多一步，再多一步，那样经过计划的人生，是不是对的人生？我与父亲再也没有过关于计划的对话。我不在父母身边的日子，也快要20年了。

　　我有没有准备好去过中年人的生活，我也不知道。有一天我看了一个年轻人电影《唱通街》，电影里的女孩对男孩说，我要出去玩啊，我都打扮得美美的了，我爸爸不让我去，他说那是因为他太爱我了，我真不明白，我妈妈比我美多了，他为什么不去担心我妈妈要来担心我呢。

　　我想的是，这个女孩也要到中年才理解得到父亲的爱吧。

　　一夜之间，我的父亲瘦了，牙坏了，耳朵都不好了，我跟他说话都得很大声很大声。我就很大声地跟我的很瘦的父亲说，我们去日料店吃一大盘生鱼片吧！父亲很大声地回答说，好啊！我们才不去管旁边香港人的眼睛看过来呢。