盧隱《吹牛的妙用》 The Wonderful Use of Boasting by Lu Yin
Rendered into English by Zhang Peiji
吹牛是一種誇大狂，在道德家看來，也許認為是缺點，可是在處世接物上卻是一種呱呱叫的妙用。假使你這一生缺少了吹牛的本領，別說好飯碗找不到，便連黃包車夫也不放你在眼裡的。 Boasting is a kind of megalomania妄自尊大. Though moralists may call it a human failing, it does, however, serve extremely useful purposes in social intercourse. Without the capacity for boasting, you will be looked down upon by even a rickshaw puller, to say nothing of finding a good job.
西洋人究竟近乎白癡，什麼事都只講究腳踏實地去做，這樣費力氣的勾當，我們聰明的中國人，簡直連牙齒都要笑掉了。西洋人什麼事都講究按部就班的慢慢來，從來沒有平地登天的捷徑，而我們中國人專門走捷徑，而走捷徑的第一個法門，就是善吹牛。 Because of their earnest非常认真 and down-to-earth务实 approach to work, Westerners are, in the eyes of Chinese smarties, next door to idiotic. They are being laughed at by Chinese smarties for the tremendous amount of energy they put into their activities. While Westerners go about(以通常的方式做某事) whatever work they do methodically and patiently, never dreaming of reaching great heights in one step, we Chinese are always given to seeking a shortcut and regard the ability to boast as the master key万能钥匙 to it.
吹牛是一件不可看輕的藝術，就如修辭學上不可缺少“張喻”一類東西一樣，像李太白什麼“黃河之水天上來”，又是什麼“白髮三千丈”，這在修辭學上就叫作“張喻”，而在不懂修辭學的人看來，就覺得李太白在吹牛了。 Boasting is an essential art of life just as hyperbole is an indispensable rhetorical figure. The Tang poet Li Bai's famous lines "The Yellow River comes from the sky" and "My white hair of thirty thousand feet" are examples of hyperbole, which, to those who know little about the art of rhetoric, may sound like a gross exaggeration夸大其词 on the part of(由...所为) the poet.
而且實際上說來，吹牛對於一個人的確有極大的妙用。人類這個東西，就有這麼奇怪，無論什麼事，你若老老實實的把實話告訴他，不但不能激起他共鳴的情緒，而且還要輕蔑你冷笑你，假使你見了那摸不清你根底的人，你不管你家裡早飯的米是當了被褥換來的，你只要大言不慚的說“某部長是我父親的好朋友，某政客是我拜把子的叔公，我認得某某巨商，我的太太同某軍閥的第五位太太是乾姊妹”，吹起這一套法螺來，那摸不清你的人，便貼貼服服的向你合十頂禮，說不定碰得巧還恭而且敬的請你大吃一頓燕菜席呢！ That boasting is of extremely great use to one is beyond doubt(确实无疑). Man is a queer animal. Suppose you tell someone the plain truth about a certain matter without holding anything back, he will probably laugh at you scornfully(轻蔑鄙夷) instead of returning a congenial response. On the other hand, suppose, penniless as you are, you brag unabashedly(不害臊不难为情) to somebody who knows little about you, "Minister So-and-So is a good friend of my father's," "Politician So-and-So is my grandpa's sworn brother," " I know a certain business tycoon(大亨巨头) very well," or " My wife is a nominally adoptive sister of a certain warlord's fifth concubine." The listener will adore you like a deity or may even, at an opportunity moment, respectfully treat you to a big dinner featuring edible bird's nest!
吹牛有了如許的好處，於是無論那一類的人，都各盡其力的大吹其牛了。但是且慢！吹牛也要認清對手方面的。不然的話必難打動他或她的心弦，那麼就失掉吹牛的功效了。比如說你見了一個仰慕文人的無名作家或學生時，而你自己要充老前輩時，你不用說別的，只要說胡適是我極熟的朋友，郁達夫是我最好的知己，最妙你再轉彎抹角的去探聽一些關於胡適郁達夫瑣碎的佚事，比如說胡適最喜歡聽什麼，郁達夫最討厭什麼，於是便可以親親切切的叫著“適之怎樣怎樣，達夫怎樣怎樣”，這樣一來，你便也就成了胡適郁達夫同等的人物，而被人所尊敬了。 People of every description(各类), being aware of the usefulness of boasting, are doing all they can to put it into practice. But wait a minute! You've got to know enough about the person you are boasting to. Otherwise, you'll make a bungle(搞砸) of it and fail to touch a chord引起共鸣 in his or her heart. Suppose you meet an unknown writer or a young student who worships men of letters文人 and you want to pretend to be a senior, all you have to say is that Hu Shih is a close friend of yours or that Yu Dafu is your second self. And, what is better, you can try to find out by a roundabout迂回兜圈子 way some trifling personal anecdotes about the two celebrities, such as what Hu Shih best likes to know and what Yu Dafu strongly dislikes, so that you can refer to them affectionately by their first names. Consequently, you'll end up becoming a personage on a par with与...相同 both of them, and enjoying the respect of all.
如果你遇見一個好虛榮的女子呢，你就可以說你周遊過列國，到過土耳其、南非洲！並且還是自費去的，這樣一來就可以證明你不但學識閱歷豐富，並且還是資產階級。於是乎你的戀愛便立刻成功了。 When you meet a girl who is vain, just tell her that you have toured to various countries, such as Turkey and South Africa, … and at your own expense into the bargain(而且)! That suffices to prove you are not only a man of much learning and experience but also well-to-do富有. And you will thereby win her heart instantly.
你如遇見商賈、官僚、政客、軍閥，都不妨察言觀色，投其所好，大吹而特吹之，總而言之，好色者以色吹之，好利者以利吹之，好名者以名吹之，好權勢者以權勢吹之，此所謂以毒攻毒之法，無往而不利。 When you meet a businessman, bureaucrat, politician or warlord, you can, after gathering推测并猜想 each and every mood of them, start boasting wildly to cater to their likes. To sum up, you should brag about women to those who are fond of women, about money to those who are money-mad(痴迷), about fame to those who are desirous of(渴望) personal fame, and about power to those who hanker after(渴望) a position of great influence. Like combating poison with poison, this trick will always work wonders(产生良好的奇效).
或曰吹牛妙用雖大，但也要善吹，否則揭穿西洋鏡，便沒有戲可唱了。 Yes, bragging is of great use, but you need to be very skilful in the performance of it, otherwise you'll give away泄露暴露 the show and end up in a complete fiasco(下不了台/尴尬可耻的失败).
這當然是實話，並且吹牛也要有相當的訓練，第一要不紅臉，你雖從來沒有著過一本半本的書，但不妨咬緊牙根說：“我的著作等身，只可恨被一把野火燒掉了！”你家裡因為要請幾個漂亮的客人吃飯，現買了一副碗碟，你便可以說“這些東西十年前就有了”，以表示你並不因為請客受窘。假如你荷包裡只剩下一塊大洋，朋友要邀你坐下來入圈，你就可以說：“我的錢都放在銀行裡，今天竟勻不出工夫去取！”假如那天你的太太感覺你沒多大出息時，就可以說張家大小姐說我的詩作的好，王家少奶奶說我的臉子漂亮而有丈夫氣，這樣一來太太便立刻加倍的愛你了。 And to be good at bragging, you also need a considerable amount of training. You should first of all be thick-skinned. For instance, although you have never authored a single book, you can nevertheless brazenly厚颜无耻恬不知耻 declare, "I've published a great many books, but unfortunately they've all been destroyed by a big fire!" When you are entertaining some stylish别致雅致 guests at dinner, you can, for appearances' sake, refer to the table set you have just bought for the occasion by saying, "we've been using it for as long as ten years." When your friends invite you to join them in a mahjong game, you, though worth only one silver dollar in your pocket, can tell them, "All my money is in a bank. I've no time today to go there to draw money." If your wife happens to complain you're sort of good for nothing, you can tell her that the eldest daughter of a certain Zhang family has been admiring you for the excellent poems you write and the daughter-in-law of a certain Wang family has been admiring you for being handsome and manly. That will make your wife instantly redouble增强 her love for you.
這一些吹牛經，說不勝說。 I could thus go on and on enumerating列举/枚举 various manifestations of self-praise!
