如何与不喜欢的人合作
Jeff*, like me, is a writer, a speaker, and the head of a consulting company. As far as I can tell, he's professional, well respected, capable, honest, and has a popular following. Someone we both know has asked us to collaborate on a project and there's clearly a mutual benefit to our working together.
It all sounds great except for one thing: I don't like Jeff.
Something about him rubs me the wrong way. He seems too self-serving or egocentric or self-satisfied. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I don't like him.
I mentioned that to the person who wants us to work together. She told me, essentially, to get over it. "You don't have to like him," she said, "but you'd be smart to work with him."
So how do you work with someone you don't like?
I'm not simply talking about someone who frustrates you because they communicate poorly or can't run a meeting. Sure it's annoying to have your time wasted, especially when you believe you could do a better job. But that's different than disliking them. Just think about how you respond differently to someone you like who can't run a meeting (you want to help them) versus someone you don't like (you want to stop working with them, or, if the meeting is really long, kill them).
The typical advice you hear about working with people you don't like is simply to depersonalize the relationship. Just transact whatever business you need to with them and move on. In other words: Grin and bear it.
But I have found that almost impossible to do.The people we don't like drive us crazy and we waste a tremendous amount of time complaining about them, or stressing about a conversation we need to have with them.
And that's not the worst of it. The deeper problem is that if you don't like someone, chances are they know it. Which will prompt them to not like you. And if you think working with someone you don't like is hard, try working with someone who doesn't like you.
It's simple, really. The people you get along with will find ways to help you; the people you don't get along with will find ways to obstruct you.
Being liked has irrefutable benefits. According to research, the more people like you, the easier, more productive, and more profitable, your life will be. Which means that someone you don't get along with — even if you grin and bear it — poses a risk.
So if grinning and bearing it is a losing strategy, what's the alternative?
Consider, for a moment, the reason you don't like someone. Maybe you think they're greedy. Or selfish. Or dismissive. Or downright mean. In other words, they have some character flaw or disagreeable trait that bothers you. Like my view of Jeff as self-serving, egocentric, and self-satisfied.
Now — and here's the hard part — think about whether, in the dark shadowy parts of your psyche, you can detect shards of that disagreeable trait in yourself.
Can you be greedy, selfish, dismissive or downright mean? You really don't like that part of yourself, right? You wish you could distance yourself from that side of you. Just like you wish you could distance yourself from that disliked person.
In other words, chances are, the reason you can't stand that person in the first place, is that they remind you of what you can't stand about yourself.
Suddenly, working with people you don't like becomes a lot more interesting. Because getting to know them better, and accepting the parts of them you don't like, is actually getting to know yourself better and accepting the parts of yourself you don't like.
So the way to overcome your dislike of someone else? Overcome your dislike of yourself.
That's where the person you don't like can come in handy. Use him to understand yourself better. Consider why you have a problem with him. What does he do that bothers you so much? Move past his inability to run meetings or write a good email and get to what's really bugging you. What about his personality or behavior sparks annoyance or disgust in you? What do you hate about him?
Then, consider how your answers might be a reflection of you. This is a game and you win by finding that hated behavior in yourself.
For me, Jeff reflected those attributes about myself that I disliked — the way I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied.
Think about times when you feel greedy or selfish or dismissive or downright mean. Can you see it? Can you feel your feelings of both attraction and disgust? Can you admit to yourself that it's not black or white? It's black and white. Can you live with the complexity of your humanness? That's the key to being compassionate with yourself.
And being compassionate with yourself is the key to being compassionate with others. Before you know it, you'll actually begin to like people you never liked before. Maybe you'll even feel like helping them run those meeting more productively.
It's now easy for me to see myself in Jeff. I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied. It's still hard to admit that — especially in writing — but it's a part of who I am and, in the right doses, it actually serves me well.
And there's an added bonus to admitting it: I now like Jeff.
杰夫，跟我一样是个作家、演讲家，并且是咨询公司的高层。可以这么说，他很专业，受人尊敬，能力出众，为人正直，并且深受人们喜爱。一个我和杰夫都认识的人想让我们俩在同一个项目中合作，而我们的共事显然能给彼此带来共赢。
听上去很不错，只除了一件事：我不喜欢杰夫。
他身上的某些方面让我很火大。他有点过于自私自利而且自以为是。我可能说不大明白，但我知道自己不喜欢他。
我把这件事告诉了那个想撮合我们一起工作的人，她告诉我，务必要想办法克服它。“你不必喜欢他，”她说，“但你得能足够聪明地同他合作。”
那么怎样去跟你不喜欢的人共事呢
我指的并不仅仅是那些因为不善沟通或无法掌控会议而让你倍感挫败的人。自己的时间被白白浪费显然是件令人厌恶的事，特别是当你坚信自己能做得更好时。但这与不喜欢还是有区别的。想象一下，如果那个无法掌控会议的是你有好感的人，你又会作何反应(你会想站出来帮帮他们)，两相对比再看看结果(若是不喜欢的人，你会想终止跟他们的合作，如果会议很长的话，甚至想掐死他们)。
关于和你不喜欢的人打交道，你通常会得到的忠告是，抛开个人好恶，以平常心对待。就事论事公事公办，而后一切照旧。换句话说：当忍则忍，一笑置之。
但我却觉得很难做到。这些不招人喜欢的家伙不仅搞得我们发狂，还因此让我们耗费了大量时间怨言满腹牢骚重重，再或者，因为不得不跟他们沟通而倍感压力。
这还不是最糟糕的。更深一层的问题是，如果你不喜欢某个人，他很有可能早已知情。这就会导致这个你不喜欢的人对你也没有好感。假如你觉得跟你不喜欢的人共事很困难，那就跟一个不喜欢你的人共事看看哪个更糟糕。
这其中的道理其实很简单。能与你和睦相处的人总能想法设法给你以帮助；而与你格格不入的人总会挡你的道。
得到别人好感的好处是无可辩驳的。研究表明，人们越喜欢你，你的生活就越简单轻松，富有成效，并且收益丰厚。这就意味着你不喜欢的人会带来潜在的风险——即便你选择隐忍和淡然。
那么既然隐忍和淡然是下下策，还有别的选择吗？
平心静气地想一想你不喜欢某个人的原因。或者是你认为他们贪得无厌，或自私自利，或目中无人，或狭隘刻薄。换言之，他们身上的一些品性缺陷或者坏脾气让你感到厌烦。就像我认为杰夫自私自利，自以为是一样。
现在设想一下在你内心的阴暗面里，你是否会发现那些惹人厌烦的特质存在于自己身上的蛛丝马迹，而这恰恰是很难做到的部分。你也会贪得无厌，自私自利，目中无人或者狭隘刻薄吗？你一点儿也不喜欢自己的这一面对吗？你希望自己能尽可能远离这一面，就像你也希望自己能尽可能远离你不喜欢的人那样。
换个说法，你不能容忍某个人的最主要原因，往往是由于这个人让你想到了那些你不希望出现在自己身上的东西。
突然间，跟自己不喜欢的人相处变得有趣多了。因为更多地了解他们并接受他们身上你不喜欢的部分，意味着加深自我认识并承认自己身上的缺陷。
所以克服对别人的反感的办法，就是克服你对自己的厌恶。
这正是那些你不喜欢的人能够帮得到你的地方，借助他们加深你对自己的了解。他们的什么举动让你如此反感？抛开激起你厌恶或者反感的品行，是什么惹得你对他们好感全无？
然后，思考一下你给出的答案是否会成为你自己的反照。这就好比一个游戏，找出自己身上惹人厌恶的行为就可以获胜。
回到自己身上，杰夫反映出的正是我身上那些我自己也非常反感的特质——自私自利和自以为是。
想想那些你贪得无厌，自私自利，目中无人，或者狭隘刻薄的时刻，你能看到这些缺点吗？你能感受到那种吸引力与厌恶感并存的感觉吗？你敢于承认事实不是非是即非的吗？其实一切再是非分明不过。那么你可以接受如此复杂的人性吗？这正是宽容看待自己的关键所在。
能够宽容待己也是宽容待人的关键。在你发觉之前，你就能学会试着去喜欢那些从没喜欢过的人。你甚至还会想帮助他们让会议进行得更有成效。
现在，我已经可以很轻易地在杰夫身上看到自己的影子。我有时也会自私自利，自以为是。尽管要承认依然不是一件容易的事，尤其是在写作上，但这就是存在于自己身上的一部分，而且如果利用得当，对我能有极大裨益。
敢于承认还带来了一个额外奖励：我现在喜欢上了杰夫。
It all sounds great except for one thing: I don't like Jeff.
Something about him rubs me the wrong way. He seems too self-serving or egocentric or self-satisfied. I don't know what it is exactly, but I know I don't like him.
I mentioned that to the person who wants us to work together. She told me, essentially, to get over it. "You don't have to like him," she said, "but you'd be smart to work with him."
So how do you work with someone you don't like?
I'm not simply talking about someone who frustrates you because they communicate poorly or can't run a meeting. Sure it's annoying to have your time wasted, especially when you believe you could do a better job. But that's different than disliking them. Just think about how you respond differently to someone you like who can't run a meeting (you want to help them) versus someone you don't like (you want to stop working with them, or, if the meeting is really long, kill them).
The typical advice you hear about working with people you don't like is simply to depersonalize the relationship. Just transact whatever business you need to with them and move on. In other words: Grin and bear it.
But I have found that almost impossible to do.The people we don't like drive us crazy and we waste a tremendous amount of time complaining about them, or stressing about a conversation we need to have with them.
And that's not the worst of it. The deeper problem is that if you don't like someone, chances are they know it. Which will prompt them to not like you. And if you think working with someone you don't like is hard, try working with someone who doesn't like you.
It's simple, really. The people you get along with will find ways to help you; the people you don't get along with will find ways to obstruct you.
Being liked has irrefutable benefits. According to research, the more people like you, the easier, more productive, and more profitable, your life will be. Which means that someone you don't get along with — even if you grin and bear it — poses a risk.
So if grinning and bearing it is a losing strategy, what's the alternative?
Consider, for a moment, the reason you don't like someone. Maybe you think they're greedy. Or selfish. Or dismissive. Or downright mean. In other words, they have some character flaw or disagreeable trait that bothers you. Like my view of Jeff as self-serving, egocentric, and self-satisfied.
Now — and here's the hard part — think about whether, in the dark shadowy parts of your psyche, you can detect shards of that disagreeable trait in yourself.
Can you be greedy, selfish, dismissive or downright mean? You really don't like that part of yourself, right? You wish you could distance yourself from that side of you. Just like you wish you could distance yourself from that disliked person.
In other words, chances are, the reason you can't stand that person in the first place, is that they remind you of what you can't stand about yourself.
Suddenly, working with people you don't like becomes a lot more interesting. Because getting to know them better, and accepting the parts of them you don't like, is actually getting to know yourself better and accepting the parts of yourself you don't like.
So the way to overcome your dislike of someone else? Overcome your dislike of yourself.
That's where the person you don't like can come in handy. Use him to understand yourself better. Consider why you have a problem with him. What does he do that bothers you so much? Move past his inability to run meetings or write a good email and get to what's really bugging you. What about his personality or behavior sparks annoyance or disgust in you? What do you hate about him?
Then, consider how your answers might be a reflection of you. This is a game and you win by finding that hated behavior in yourself.
For me, Jeff reflected those attributes about myself that I disliked — the way I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied.
Think about times when you feel greedy or selfish or dismissive or downright mean. Can you see it? Can you feel your feelings of both attraction and disgust? Can you admit to yourself that it's not black or white? It's black and white. Can you live with the complexity of your humanness? That's the key to being compassionate with yourself.
And being compassionate with yourself is the key to being compassionate with others. Before you know it, you'll actually begin to like people you never liked before. Maybe you'll even feel like helping them run those meeting more productively.
It's now easy for me to see myself in Jeff. I can be self-serving and egotistical and self-satisfied. It's still hard to admit that — especially in writing — but it's a part of who I am and, in the right doses, it actually serves me well.
And there's an added bonus to admitting it: I now like Jeff.
杰夫，跟我一样是个作家、演讲家，并且是咨询公司的高层。可以这么说，他很专业，受人尊敬，能力出众，为人正直，并且深受人们喜爱。一个我和杰夫都认识的人想让我们俩在同一个项目中合作，而我们的共事显然能给彼此带来共赢。
听上去很不错，只除了一件事：我不喜欢杰夫。
他身上的某些方面让我很火大。他有点过于自私自利而且自以为是。我可能说不大明白，但我知道自己不喜欢他。
我把这件事告诉了那个想撮合我们一起工作的人，她告诉我，务必要想办法克服它。“你不必喜欢他，”她说，“但你得能足够聪明地同他合作。”
那么怎样去跟你不喜欢的人共事呢
我指的并不仅仅是那些因为不善沟通或无法掌控会议而让你倍感挫败的人。自己的时间被白白浪费显然是件令人厌恶的事，特别是当你坚信自己能做得更好时。但这与不喜欢还是有区别的。想象一下，如果那个无法掌控会议的是你有好感的人，你又会作何反应(你会想站出来帮帮他们)，两相对比再看看结果(若是不喜欢的人，你会想终止跟他们的合作，如果会议很长的话，甚至想掐死他们)。
关于和你不喜欢的人打交道，你通常会得到的忠告是，抛开个人好恶，以平常心对待。就事论事公事公办，而后一切照旧。换句话说：当忍则忍，一笑置之。
但我却觉得很难做到。这些不招人喜欢的家伙不仅搞得我们发狂，还因此让我们耗费了大量时间怨言满腹牢骚重重，再或者，因为不得不跟他们沟通而倍感压力。
这还不是最糟糕的。更深一层的问题是，如果你不喜欢某个人，他很有可能早已知情。这就会导致这个你不喜欢的人对你也没有好感。假如你觉得跟你不喜欢的人共事很困难，那就跟一个不喜欢你的人共事看看哪个更糟糕。
这其中的道理其实很简单。能与你和睦相处的人总能想法设法给你以帮助；而与你格格不入的人总会挡你的道。
得到别人好感的好处是无可辩驳的。研究表明，人们越喜欢你，你的生活就越简单轻松，富有成效，并且收益丰厚。这就意味着你不喜欢的人会带来潜在的风险——即便你选择隐忍和淡然。
那么既然隐忍和淡然是下下策，还有别的选择吗？
平心静气地想一想你不喜欢某个人的原因。或者是你认为他们贪得无厌，或自私自利，或目中无人，或狭隘刻薄。换言之，他们身上的一些品性缺陷或者坏脾气让你感到厌烦。就像我认为杰夫自私自利，自以为是一样。
现在设想一下在你内心的阴暗面里，你是否会发现那些惹人厌烦的特质存在于自己身上的蛛丝马迹，而这恰恰是很难做到的部分。你也会贪得无厌，自私自利，目中无人或者狭隘刻薄吗？你一点儿也不喜欢自己的这一面对吗？你希望自己能尽可能远离这一面，就像你也希望自己能尽可能远离你不喜欢的人那样。
换个说法，你不能容忍某个人的最主要原因，往往是由于这个人让你想到了那些你不希望出现在自己身上的东西。
突然间，跟自己不喜欢的人相处变得有趣多了。因为更多地了解他们并接受他们身上你不喜欢的部分，意味着加深自我认识并承认自己身上的缺陷。
所以克服对别人的反感的办法，就是克服你对自己的厌恶。
这正是那些你不喜欢的人能够帮得到你的地方，借助他们加深你对自己的了解。他们的什么举动让你如此反感？抛开激起你厌恶或者反感的品行，是什么惹得你对他们好感全无？
然后，思考一下你给出的答案是否会成为你自己的反照。这就好比一个游戏，找出自己身上惹人厌恶的行为就可以获胜。
回到自己身上，杰夫反映出的正是我身上那些我自己也非常反感的特质——自私自利和自以为是。
想想那些你贪得无厌，自私自利，目中无人，或者狭隘刻薄的时刻，你能看到这些缺点吗？你能感受到那种吸引力与厌恶感并存的感觉吗？你敢于承认事实不是非是即非的吗？其实一切再是非分明不过。那么你可以接受如此复杂的人性吗？这正是宽容看待自己的关键所在。
能够宽容待己也是宽容待人的关键。在你发觉之前，你就能学会试着去喜欢那些从没喜欢过的人。你甚至还会想帮助他们让会议进行得更有成效。
现在，我已经可以很轻易地在杰夫身上看到自己的影子。我有时也会自私自利，自以为是。尽管要承认依然不是一件容易的事，尤其是在写作上，但这就是存在于自己身上的一部分，而且如果利用得当，对我能有极大裨益。
敢于承认还带来了一个额外奖励：我现在喜欢上了杰夫。
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