APPLICATION TO BE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE 申请成为最高法院法官

SHOUTS & MURMURS 呐喊与低吟 APPLICATION TO BE A SUPREME COURT JUSTICE 申请成为最高法院法官 1. Why do you want to be a Supreme Court Justice? 为什么你想成为最高法院法官？ (a) Job security. 工作稳定。 (b) It will look good on Tinder, especially the photo in which I’m flirtatiously unzipping my robe, just a bit. 使我在Tinder(一款手机交友软件)上受到欢迎，尤其是我轻佻地微敞我的长袍的照片。 (c) To make my mother shut up about how embarrassing it is that I’ve only been the governor of Florida. 可以让我妈闭嘴，不再说我只是弗罗里达州长多么令她感到羞愧。 2. What qualifies you to be a Supreme Court Justice? 你为什么具有成为最高法院法官的资格？ (a) I enjoy riding Jet Skis, taking long walks, and telling women what they can and can’t do with their bodies. 我喜欢骑摩托艇，进行远足，还有告诉女士们用身体能不能做些什么。 (b) I was a judge on a reality show, where I coined my catchphrase, “You’re guilty—of a really bad dye job!” 我是真人秀节目的一个法官，我创造了我的口头禅：“你罪有应得—你有一个非常糟糕的染色的工作！” (c) When I watch “Dateline,” I can always tell by the second commercial break if the wealthy Idaho orthodontist murdered his ex-wife with a golf club and made it look like she slipped and hit her head on the edge of the hot tub. 当我看“Dateline”时，我总是能在第二个广告时间，分辨出是否富有的爱达荷矫形牙医用高尔夫球杆杀死了他的前妻，并时谋杀看起来像她滑到，在浴缸边缘磕到了她的头。 3. If the Court is deadlocked and you’re the deciding vote, how will you handle the situation? 如果法院上出现僵局，而你握有决定性的一票，你会如何处理这个事情？ (a) I’ll ask the other Justices to write a dollar amount on a scrap of paper and tape it to their foreheads. 我会让其他的法官在一张纸上写下金钱的数额，然后粘在额头上。 (b) I’ll listen to the arguments with extreme diligence and open-mindedness, and then I’ll call the judges on Ellen DeGeneres’s furniture-design show on HGTV to find out what they think. 我会极度仔细并且毫无偏见的听取他们的争论，然后打给HGTV艾伦·德詹尼斯的家居设计秀的裁判员，弄清楚他们是怎么想的。 (c) I’ll blindfold myself and ask the attorneys, “Are you familiar with a judicial procedure called ‘It’s in His Kiss’?” 我会蒙上我的眼睛，然后问律师：“你是否熟悉一个叫做‘在他的吻中’的司法程序？” 4. Rank the current Justices in order of fairness, speaking fees, height, wisdom, and likelihood of texting underneath their robes. 将现有的法官分级，根据他们的公正性、演讲费用、身高、聪慧程度，可能还有长袍下的短信。 5. Justice Thomas has barely spoken during his many years on the bench. How will you persuade him to be more chatty? 法官托马斯在职期间的许多年间很少说话。你如何劝他变得更乐于讲话？ (a) During an especially contentious hearing, I’ll declare, “This sort of heated controversy can be settled in one way only—a tickle fight!” 在一场特殊的诉讼听证会上，我会宣布：“这种激烈的争论只能以一种方式解决—一场挠痒痒战争！” (b) I’ll use a paper bag to make a hand puppet that looks just like Justice Thomas, then I’ll hold it next to his head and have it speak for him in a squeaky voice. 我会用纸袋纸做一个像法官托马斯的手偶，然后我会将它举到他的脑袋旁边，并让它用短促而尖锐的声音替他说话。 (c) I’ll pass him a note that says, “If you say good morning to the next team of attorneys, I’ll buy you a pony.” 我会递给他一张纸条，上面写着：“如果你对下一队的律师说早上好，我会给你买一匹小马驹。” 6. Which cases do you most look forward to? 你最想接到哪种案子？ (a) Any case where I don’t have to read stuff. 任何不需要我读东西的案子。 (b) Any case that calls for superfluous testimony from a movie star who’s willing to take a selfie with me, which I’ll say is “for my grandkids.” 任何需要一个肯和我自拍的电影明星多余的证词的案子，我会说是“给我孙子的”。 (c) Any case that will incite millions of tweets about what an idiot I am so that I can tweet back, “What are you gonna do about it, huh? Fire me?” 任何会煽动成千上万的人推特我是偶像的案子，然后我会推特回去，“你能对这做些什么？解雇我么？” 7. True or false: It’s inappropriate for the personal religious beliefs of a Justice to inform his or her legal decisions, unless God tells that Justice, in a dream, “You’re the only smart one—I mean, look around.” 判断正误：一个法官的个人宗教信仰影响他/她的法律判断是不合适的，除非上帝在睡梦中告诉这个法官：“你是唯一聪明的法官—你看看周围你就知道了。” 8. In cases involving powerful business interests, how will you balance the rights of an individual against the economic heft of a corporate giant? 一个案子中涉及巨大的商业利益，你如何平衡一个人和具有经济重要性的巨型公司的权利呢？ (a) I’ll think, Well, when was the last time an individual gave me free twenty-four-hour delivery of a heating pad? 我想上次是什么时候一个人给我免费24小时送到的加热板呢？ (b) I’ll ask the attorneys representing the corporate interests if Time Warner is really offering cocaine and prostitutes to try to lure customers back. 我会问代表公司利益的律师们，时代华纳公司是否真的利用可卡因和卖淫来吸引顾客。 (c) I’ll ask Justice Ginsburg, “Ruth, is it worth getting Netflix when all I want to watch is ‘Kimmy Schmidt’ and all the episodes of ‘Friends’?” 我会问金斯伯格法官：“露丝，我只想看《我本坚强》和全集的《老友记》时，值不值得去找Netflix?” 9. What is your legal background? 请问你的法律背景是什么？ (a) An Ivy League law school— yeah, that’s right. And next time you’re on trial for perjury why don’t you call one of those subway-ad law firms? 常春藤联盟的法律学校—对的，就是这样。下次你作伪证的时候，你为什么不打给哪些在地铁站做广告的法律学校呢？ (b) A state law school, which makes me a real, relatable human being and/or a fun, divorced alcoholic. 州法律学校，这使得我成为一个真实的、可靠的人并且/或者是一个有趣的离了婚的酒鬼。 (c) An online law-degree program. I would have totally aced the online bar exam, but the damn cat wouldn’t stay of the keyboard. 网上法律学位课程。我完全是个在在线司法考试拿到A的人，但是该死的猫不肯离开我的键盘。 (d) Whenever I’m on a plane, I’ll watch a John Grisham movie, unless there’s something with Kate Hudson. 不论何时我在飞机上，我会看John Grisham的电影，除非这有Kate Hudson的电影。 (e) I’m always right about everything. 任何事情，我都是对的。 10. If you’re confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, what would you like your legacy to be? 如果你是一个高级法院的法官，你希望你会遗留下来什么？ (a) He or she bravely remained on the Court for three years after being declared legally dead. 在被宣布法律上的死亡后，他/她仍勇敢的在法院里待三年。 (b) He or she was the first Justice to sit on one of those inflatable exercise balls instead of a chair, and to occasionally bounce up and down with excitement as a decision was read. 他/她是第一个坐在弹性训练球上而非椅子上的法官，当宣布决议时偶尔兴奋的上下弹跳。 (c) He or she introduced a more egalitarian system of jurisprudence to the nation by concluding every decision with the words “Or maybe not.” 他/她在国内引进一种更为平等的法律，通过在每个决议上都加上“或者不是”。 第一次翻译，请大家批评和指正。