2019 3/19 单身的艺术

The Art of Being Single

Single people still face a stigma, even though their ranks have grown. Yet a new study suggests singles become happier as they age. One strategy: Focus on creating a full life now, for yourself, rather than finding a partner.

By Elizabeth Bernstein

March 19, 2019 10:24 am ET

After Katie Tomaszewski divorced at the age of 28, she felt ashamed to be alone. So she did what she thought a single person should do: She over-dated, over-worked and over-socialized, inviting friends over for dinner nearly every night because she was afraid of being lonely.

“It was constant socializing and constant distraction,” says Ms. Tomaszewski, now a 36-year-old Pilates instructor in Chicago. “I became desperate and depressed, looking for someone—anyone—to save me from being alone.”

Yes, it can be tough to be single. But a new study published this past December in the Journals of Gerontology offers hope for those who are struggling. Singles today are more satisfied with their lives than singles in the past, the study found. And people who are single become more satisfied with their lives as they grow older, according to researchers from the German Centre of Gerontology in Berlin, who analyzed data from the German Ageing Survey, a nationally representative sample of people between the ages or 40 and 85. Experts say the findings ring true for Western countries broadly.

Katie Tomaszewski transformed her life after a divorce. PHOTO: KATIE TOMASZEWSKI

This is important news, because one of the biggest demographic trends of the past 50 years is the rise of singles: In 2017, the U.S. Census Bureau’s American Community Survey reported that more than 120 million U.S. residents, or almost 48% of adults aged 18 or older, were divorced, widowed or had never been married. In 1970, 29% of the population, or 39 million adults aged 18 or older, were single.

And yet single people still face a stigma. Bella DePaulo, a social scientist and author of “Singled Out,” has been studying singles since the late 1990s and has coined the phrase “singlism” to describe the ways in which people discriminate against singles. The stereotyping includes the assumptions that singles are miserable, lonely or selfish; that they are desperate to get married; that there must be something wrong with someone who is single.

“Some single people internalize all that, even if they like being single,” Dr. DePaulo says. “They even sometimes think that liking single life is itself a sign that something is wrong with them.”

Society is organized around couples—they get breaks on everything from club memberships to tickets and events. And it can be a drag for singles when people offer advice or insist on fixing them up. “I think the phrase ‘fix you up’ is telling,” says Dr. DePaulo. “It seems to suggest that you are broken, and that coupling will mend you.”

She says the hardest time to be single is around the age of 30. That’s when the expectation to be married becomes most intense. Friends and relatives are marrying, or are already married, and single people often feel like the odd person out. This feeling is most acute in single people who socialize primarily with couples. “Couples often demote their single friends to lunch or daytime events or children’s birthday parties, basically treating them as if they are not fully adult,” Dr. DePaulo says.

It is possible for single people to adjust their attitude and become happier. In a not-yet-published study done at Simon Fraser University, in greater Vancouver, British Columbia, psychologists gave single people one of two made-up articles to read, one reporting that singles are generally happy in life and one reporting that they are not. People who read the happy version of the article reported higher levels of life satisfaction and lower desire to find a relationship than those who read the more negative version. Basically, “if you have a fear of being single this undermines your well-being,” says Yuthika Girme, a social psychologist and lead researcher on the study.

So how can you be happiest being single? Focus on creating a full life now, for yourself, rather than finding a partner. Surround yourself with other happily single people. Watch the language you or others use to refer to singlehood. (Ever walked into a restaurant alone and had the host ask: “Table for just one?”) Be proud of the life you’ve created.

“Happiness is in your hands right now,” says Jennifer Taitz, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and author of “How to Be Single and Happy.” “It doesn’t depend on external circumstances beyond your control, such as finding a mate.”

Ms. Tomaszewski, who divorced in 2010, transformed her single life after two of her best friends moved to Europe several years ago. At first, she was jealous of their freedom and troubled by how unhappy she was. Her dating life felt like a series of dead ends and her social life was unsatisfying. “I decided in that moment to stop living for other people, to stop living with room to grow into the relationship that I may or may not eventually be a part of,” she says. “It was time to start living for myself, 100%.”

Ms. Tomaszewski began treating herself as she would a partner. She bought herself lavish birthday gifts and took herself out to dinner for holidays. And she began making her bed—just as she did when she was in a relationship and stayed at a man’s house overnight. “Now, when I get home I look at it and think: ‘Aw, that’s so sweet. I care about me.’” She went to therapy, ate healthier and began getting massages. “That little bit of one-on-one physical and emotional care keeps me feeling content,” she says.

Previously, Ms. Tomaszewski says, she viewed time alone as something sad. She began thinking of it as quality time with herself. Now, if she finds herself alone for a weekend, she treats herself to a session with a personal trainer, takes a workshop on how to journal or goes to an art museum. “I am nurturing my soul right now, just as I would nurture a relationship,” she says.

Although she feels ready to meet a partner, she says it will have to happen naturally, such as a friendship that grows into something more. “I’m not waiting for a man,” she says. “My life is full. I’m my partner, and we are killing it.”

LIVING A HAPPIER LIFE

How can single people lead a happier life? Here are some tips:

Start now. Don’t wait until you have a partner to travel, buy the house, take a risky career move, learn a cool new hobby.

Assess your life. What areas do you need to work on? Physical health? Emotional well-being? Finances? Friends? Make a list, rate each area, and prioritize. “Look at what you are doing that is creating the action you don’t want, then ask yourself what different action you could take,” says Lauren Mackler, a Boston psychotherapist and relationship coach and author of “Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness and Transform Your Life.”

Don’t ruminate on being single. It will make you feel worse. Research shows that single people who were told they will end up alone scored lower on cognitive tests than those told they will find a partner.

Build a support network. Research shows that single people have more friends than married people, but they still believe they have a lack of social support, says Yuthika Girme, a social psychologist. “Be honest. Open up. Don’t be ashamed to ask for help if you need it,” she says.

Remember that the grass is not always greener on the other side. “You don’t know what people’s stories are,” says Dr. Girme. “Don’t compare.”

Schedule time to do things, or see people, that make you happy. “You can’t just expect joy to fall into your life,” says Jennifer Taitz, a clinical psychologist in Los Angeles and author of “How to Be Single and Happy.” You need to plan for it.

Be spontaneous. Learn to go do things you enjoy by yourself on the spur of the moment.

Be fully present. Whatever you’re doing—working out at the gym, walking in the park, having brunch with friends—don’t constantly check to see if there’s someone attractive around to meet.

Treat yourself as you would a partner you love. Buy yourself a gift or make yourself a nice dinner. Soothe yourself.

Keep a list of people you admire from the past and present who lived great single lives, and use it for inspiration.

Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com or follow her on Facebook, Twitter or Instagram at EBernsteinWSJ.

https://www.wsj.com/articles/the-art-of-being-single