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Today I want to write about male solitude.

My friend Marci has been struggling to understand her boy friend Manveer’s emotional world. He used to have a close circle of friends he grew up with. But in the summer of 2023, one of them died by suicide. No one in the group had noticed how much he was struggling.

He left a note to each of them at 3 am, then drove from Toronto all the way up to Thunder Bay, parked in the middle of nowhere, and set his car on fire – with himself inside.

The tragedy hit everyone hard. But Manveer, in particular, began to realize his bros didn’t really know each other emotionally. They visited their friend’s grave last year and made promises to hang out more. But they didn’t follow through.

There was talk in the group chat about going camping, but no one initiated anything. Eventually, they planned a trip – left Manveer out. He’s not sure if it was intentional, but it hurt. No one checked in. No one asked. He felt edged out.

Marci started worrying when she found him sitting in the dark on the couch alone. She thought maybe he needed new male friends, so she arranged a few “play dates”— but nothing came of them. Manveer never followed up. And the other guys didn’t either.

They all seem to lack the motivation to build real friendship. Yet they also seemed quietly lonely.

I told her not to worry too much. I’ve been thinking about male solitude.

Unlike women, most straight men don’t feel better just by connecting with others. It might have to do with their lower levels of oxytocin— or maybe it’s psychological. Yes, they feel down, but they rarely seek connection. In fact, they often think their female partners put way too much effort into maintaining relationships.

There’s a reason for this. Men often want to be alphas – admired, followed, in control. But friendship is about equality. That’s part of the problem. Friendship doesn’t always fulfill them. They don’t want companions – they want minions.

When a man feels lonely, he’s often not yearning for intimacy. He’s mourning a loss of power.

I told Marci:

As long as you’re with him, he’ll be fine. He won’t jump out the window because having you makes him feel powerful.

I he wants to sit in the dark sometimes, let him.

A guy needs space to experience his own version of PMS.