Experiencing the World as an Ally
COMMITMENT THIRTEEN
Experiencing the World as an Ally
I commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.
VS
I commit to seeing other people and circumstances as obstacles and impediments to getting what I most want.
REACTIVE VS. CONSCIOUS LEADERS
The way leaders view people and circumstances dictates whether they are reactive or conscious. Reactive, “To Me” leaders like Suzanne see people as either on their side in getting what they want or obstacles. Virtually every leader we coach starts with this mindset. They are convinced they will feel happy once they get what they want.
But they’re not getting it. People and circumstances are standing in their way. The capital markets aren’t ready for their company to issue an IPO. The negotiating partner from the company they’re trying to write a contract with has unreasonable terms. The person in charge of a huge company project doesn’t have the skills to manage it on time and on budget. Whatever the reason, these “To Me” leaders can point to the person or situation that is preventing them from getting what they want. And typically, they either give up because the impediments are too difficult or, more likely, push harder to overcome them.
The wiring of our brain contributes to this “with me or against me” approach to life. One of the first things we learn to do is categorize. Ask young children to sort buttons, and they can separate the red ones from the blue ones. Ask them to separate shapes, and they can distinguish between squares and circles. This ability to differentiate is critical to navigating the world. If we weren’t able to label and sort sensory data and life experiences, our brains would be overwhelmed.
The same skill becomes a disservice to leaders, however, when the judgments and categories get simplistic, entrenched and comparative. “People are either with me or against me, and either better than me or less than me—and I’ll find evidence to prove it.” It requires a lot of energy to constantly prove you are better than someone else. It’s equally hard work to keep those you perceive as less than you below you
Conscious leaders, on the other hand, are able to shift out of this state of comparison and competition to see everyone—including themselves—as equally valuable. Everyone is an ally in the bigger game of learning.
I commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies that are perfectly suited to help me learn the most important things for my growth.
DEFINITION OF “ALLY”
Let’s define “ally.” Traditionally, allies associate with one another for some common cause or goal. For instance, we might unite in war against a common enemy. For our purposes, the common cause or goal we have with our allies is our individual learning and growth. Other people don’t even have to consciously commit to being your ally. If you are committed to experiencing them that way, they are always instrumental to your growth.
Sometimes you can select this relationship—with a coach, forum group, or advisory board. We encourage you to go even further. Consider that all people support the discovery of an aspect of yourself that you could not have seen without them. Even the most adversarial—in fact, especially adversarial—individuals can help you grow or become aligned with what you most want to create. Every circumstance helps you uncover something new about your beliefs, behaviors, or desires. Every person or situation is “for you” in serving your learning and growth, nudging you to become more conscious. Again, if the universe is benevolent, always organizing for the highest good, then other people are part of this collective support for your personal growth.
By showing up in the world in this way, you can welcome everyone and everything as an ally. This means that the person on the other side of the negotiating table is a catalyst for learning about what you value and where you may have been overreaching. The inability of someone on the team to deliver his or her agreements offers valuable insight on your management skills or stubbornness to make a change earlier. No matter the situation, rather than wallowing in resistance, you can get curious and ultimately feel gratitude for whatever prompted you to wake up, deepen your consciousness, and grow as a leader.
THE ROLE OF CHALLENGE
In the experience of growth, pressure plays a critical role. Reactive leaders often revert to seeing obstacles when they encounter a challenge. Alternatively, conscious leaders welcome this experience because they see the benefit of pressure; it either causes them to wake up and take action or allows new things to come forth. Before something changes, it usually breaks down first. For example, athletes know that the workouts that make them faster are the ones that breakdown their muscles—literally tearing the muscle fibers— so they grow back stronger. Supportive pressure is a catalyst for learning, change, and growth. It challenges the leader to fulfill their potential and live in their full magnificence.
Birth is a good illustration of pressure in action. For a baby to be born, his head must exert pressure on the mother’s cervix. Throughout labor, high-pressure contractions move the baby through the birth canal. Without this pressure, the cervix won’t expand and the baby can’t come through. Similarly, pressure is a catalyst for ideas to be born, and old systems to break down to make way for the new ones. We see Apple as a great example of being willing to let go of their best ideas to allow something new to emerge. For instance, the iPhone in many respects rendered the iPod—their prior bestseller—irrelevant.
However, we want to be clear that someone’s declaration that he or she is an ally is not what makes them an ally. It’s neither their behavior nor their words; it is your choice of how you want to see them. Even if the author of the email did not consider himself an ally—he wanted Daphne fired and he did not support her growth—Daphne could still choose to see him as an ally for her learning.
PRACTICING THE COMMITMENT
When we consult with leaders working on this commitment, we ask them this key question: If the universe were using this person or situation as a perfect ally to help you grow, what would you get to learn about yourself and life?
Here are additional questions to help you shift your perspective to seeing every person and situation as an ally in learning. Before you start asking these questions, first ask yourself this question: “Would I be willing to see this person and these circumstances as an ally for my learning?” Your willingness is essential for any shifts to occur.
If yes…
l What is it that I could not have experienced without this person/circumstance?
l What part of this am I most resistant to? Can I see that this is true about me? And am I willing to welcome/love that part in myself?
l What is my biggest judgment about the way it is? Am I willing to see that the opposite of my judgment is as true or truer?
l How is this person or circumstance helping me face something that I have been unwilling to acknowledge or face?
l What quality could not have been developed in me without this person/circumstance?
l How is the universe using this person or situation to give me feedback?
l How is this in service to my growth?
l What part of me is this bringing forward to welcome, honor, accept, or love?
l In twenty years (or two), what will I say I learned from that”?
l In twenty years (or two), what about this will I be grateful for?
Here are some possible reasons you attracted this person or circumstance into your life:
l You have judgments you want to release.
l This is a pattern you want to break.
l The universe is inviting you to pay attention to the wisdom in your body.
l You want to expand the possibility of who you can be and need the pressure of this situation or person.
l You want to discover where you are resisting in your life (physically, emotionally).
l You are learning to see your resistance and honor your “no.”
l You have unexpressed emotions that you want to acknowledge or feel.
l There is something you’ve been unwilling to face.
Conscious leaders look at life through the perspective of learning and growth. They wonder about how everyone and everything— especially challenges and potential obstacles—are actually allies in their development.
CHAPTER SUMMARY
Experiencing the World as an Ally
l Conscious leaders commit to seeing all people and circumstances as allies in their growth.
l Unconscious reactive leaders view other people and circumstances as obstacles to getting what they want.
l Most leaders start with this reactive mindset: they are convinced they will feel happy once they get what they want and if they can’t get what they want, it’s because others are standing in their way.
l Rather than seeing all people as allies, unconscious leaders think either/or: “people are either with me or against me.”
l This does not mean that competition is nonexistent, but that even competitors are supportive catalysts for growth and that adversaries can be extremely beneficial.
l Challenges create the positive pressure often needed for conscious leaders to expand beyond the comfort zone and into their full magnificence.
l Conscious leaders are able to shift out of the state of comparison to see everyone and everything as equally valuable.
l This perspective recognizes that all people and circumstances are allies in learning and growth.
