Fear

Many of us often find ourselves thinking of things that stir up feelings of fear and sorrow. We have all experienced some suffering in our past, and we often recall our past suffering. We revisit the past, reviewing it and watching the films of the past. But if we revisit these memories without mindfulness or awareness, every time we watch those images we suffer again.

There is a film, an image stored in your consciousness. Every time your mind goes back to the past and you look at that image or watch that film, you suffer again. Mindfulness reminds us that it is possible to be in the here and now. It reminds us that the present moment is always available to us; we don’t have to live events that happened long ago.

Suppose someone slapped your face twenty years ago. That was recorded as an image in your subconscious. Your subconscious stores many films and images of the past, which are always being projected down there. And you have a tendency to go back and watch them again and again, so you continue to suffer. Every time you see that picture, you are slapped again and again and again

But that is only the past. You are no longer in the past; you are in the present moment. That did happen, yes—in the past. But the past is already gone. Now the only things left are pictures and memories. If you keep going back to the past to review those images, that is wrong mindfulness. But if we root ourselves in the present moment, we can look at the past in a different way and transform its suffering.

Perhaps when you were a little child, people would sometimes take your toy away from you. You learned to cry, to try to manipulate the situation; or to smile so as to please your caretaker, to make her give back the toy. As a young child, you learned to produce a diplomatic smile. That’s one way of dealing with the problem of survival. You learn without even knowing that you’re learning. The feeling that you’re fragile, vulnerable, unable to defend yourself, the feeling that you always need someone to be with you, is always there. That original fear (birth, which cut you away from the palace of the womb—and its other face, original desire—is always there. The infant, with his fear and his desire, is always alive in us.

Perhaps when you were a little child, people would sometimes take your toy away from you. You learned to cry, to try to manipulate the situation; or to smile so as to please your caretaker, to make her give back the toy. As a young child, you learned to produce a diplomatic smile. That’s one way of dealing with the problem of survival. You learn without even knowing that you’re learning. The feeling that you’re fragile, vulnerable, unable to defend yourself, the feeling that you always need someone to be with you, is always there. That original fear—and its other face, original desire—is always there. The infant, with his fear and his desire, is always alive in us. Perhaps when you were a little child, people would sometimes take your toy away from you. You learned to cry, to try to manipulate the situation; or to smile so as to please your caretaker, to make her give back the toy. As a young child, you learned to produce a diplomatic smile. That’s one way of dealing with the problem of survival. You learn without even knowing that you’re learning. The feeling that you’re fragile, vulnerable, unable to defend yourself, the feeling that you always need someone to be with you, is always there. That original fear—and its other face, original desire—is always there. The infant, with his fear and his desire, is always alive in us.

Some of us have depression and continue to suffer even if in the present situation everything looks all right. This is because we have a tendency to dwell in the past. We feel more comfortable making our home there, even if it holds a lot of suffering. That home is deep down in our subconscious, where the films of the past are always projected. Every night you go back and watch those films and suffer. And the future you constantly worry about is nothing other than a projection of fear and desire from the past.

Don’t Fear the Past

Because it’s so easy to be caught in the past, it’s helpful to have a reminder to stay in the present. In Plum Village, we use a bell. When we hear the bell, we practice breathing in and out mindfully, and we say, “I listen to the bell. This wonderful sound brings me back to my true home.” My true home is in the here and now. The past is not my true home

You may want to say to the little one inside you, the past is not our home; our home is here, where we can really live our life. We can get all the nourishment and healing we need here in the present moment. Much of the fear, anxiety, and anguish that we experience is there because the inner child has not been liberated. That child is afraid to come out to the present moment, and so your mindfulness, your breath, can help this child to realize that she is safe and can be free.

Suppose you go to the movies. From your seat in the audience you look up at the screen. There is a story; there are people on the screen interacting with each other. And down there in the audience, you cry. You experience what’s happening on the screen as real, and that’s why you shed real tears and feel real emotions. The suffering is real; the tears are real. But when you come up to touch the screen, you don’t see any real people. It’s nothing but flickering light. You can’t talk to the people on the screen; you can’t invite them to have tea. You can’t stop them or ask them a question, but yet it can create real suffering, in your body as well as your mind. Our memories can cause us real suffering, both emotionally and physically, even though they are not happening in the moment.

When we recognize that we have a habit of replaying old events and reacting to new events as if they were the old ones, we can begin to notice when that habit energy comes up. We can then gently remind ourselves that we have another choice. We can look at the moment as it is, a fresh moment, and leave the past for a time when we can look at it compassionately.

We can make the time and space, not in a busy moment but in a quiet time, to tell the suffering, wounded child inside us that she doesn’t have to suffer anymore. We can take her hand and invite her to come into the present moment and witness all the wonders of life that are available here and now: “Come with me, dear one. We have grown up. We no longer need to be afraid. We are no longer vulnerable. We are no longer fragile. We don’t have to be afraid anymore.”

You have to teach the child in you. You have to invite him to come with you and live life with you in the present moment. Of course, we can mindfully reflect upon and learn from the past, but when we do this we stay grounded in the present moment. If we are well grounded in the present moment, we can look skillfully at the past and learn from it without being sucked in and overwhelmed by it.

Contemplating the Future Without Fear

We likewise can prepare for the future without getting consumed by our plans. Often we either don’t plan at all, or we get caught up in obsessive planning because we fear the future and its uncertainty. The present moment is where we need to operate. When you are truly anchored in the present moment, you can plan for the future in a much better way. Living mindfully in the present does not preclude making plans. It only means that you know there’s no use losing yourself in worries and fear concerning the future. If you are grounded in the present moment, you can bring the future into the present to have a deep look without losing yourself in anxiety and uncertainty. If you are truly present and know how to take care of the present moment as best you can, you are doing your best for the future already.

The same is true about the past. The teaching and the practice of mindfulness do not forbid looking deeply into the past. But if we allow ourselves to drown in regret and sorrow concerning the past, that’s not right mindfulness. If we’re well established in the present moment, we can bring the past back to the present moment and have a deep look. You can very well examine the past and the future while you are established in the present moment. In fact you can learn from the past and plan for the future in the best way if you are grounded in the present moment.

If you have a friend who suffers, you have to help him. “My dear friend, you are on safe ground. Everything is okay now. Why do you continue to suffer? Don’t go back to the past. It’s only a ghost; it’s unreal.” And whenever we recognize that these are only movies and pictures, not reality, we are free. That is the practice of mindfulness

Reconciling with Our Past

Our original fear isn’t just from our own birth and childhood; the fear we feel comes from both our own and our ancestors’ original fear. Our ancestors suffered from hunger and other dangers, and there were moments when they were extremely anxious. That kind of fear has been transmitted to us; every one of us has that fear inside. And because we suffer from that fear, we make the situation worse. We worry about our safety, our job, and our family. We worry about external threats. Even when nothing bad is happening, that doesn’t prevent us from feeling fear.

When you are a small boy or girl, you are very fragile, very vulnerable. Just a stern look from your father can create a little wound in your heart. If your father tells you to shut up, you can get wounded. You are very tender. Sometimes you want to express yourself, you try very hard to find words, and your father is a little irritated and he says, “Shut up.” It is like a bowl of ice water being poured on your heart. It wounds you deeply, and the next time you will not dare to try again. Your communication with your father becomes very difficult. “Breathing in I see myself as a five-year-old child. Breathing out I smile to that five-year-old child.”

Do you think that child is no longer there? The little boy or girl in you is still alive, and maybe still deeply wounded. That child is calling for your attention. But you have no time for him or her. You’re too busy. You conceive of yourself as an adult, but in fact, you are also that little girl or boy who is deeply wounded and afraid. So when you breathe in and see yourself as a small child who is fragile like that, compassion is born in your heart. And when you breathe out, you smile to him or her, and that is already a smile of understanding, of compassion.

The little child inside you can suffer so much. When you were small, you were deeply affected by the decisions adults made around you. A child is very impressionable. Even before he or she is born, a child hears sounds and can distinguish shouting from singing. This is why, if you really care for your child, even when your child is not yet born, you will surround that child with love. Love should begin very early.

There are many young people who say they hate their fathers or mothers. They sometimes tell me, in strong, clear terms: “I don’t want to have anything to do with him, with her.” These people are so angry with their parents that they want to completely sever the relationship. Sometimes, people have good reasons for separating themselves physically or emotionally from their parents, especially if their parents are abusive. Sometimes, we fear that if we are around our parents, we will be too vulnerable and will get hurt again.

But even if we refuse to see our parents or talk to them, we cannot separate ourselves completely from them. We are made from them. We are our fathers. We are our mothers. This is true even if we think we hate them.

We are the continuation of our mothers and fathers. We can’t extract that part of ourselves. To get angry with our parents doesn’t change this. We are only getting angry with ourselves. We need to reconcile with the parents inside, talk to the parents inside, and look for a way to peacefully coexist. If we can realize this, reconciliation will be easy.

We are capable of great change, both internally and also in our ability to influence the world outside us. Because we are scared, we often think we don’t know what to do. But we only need to practice mindful walking and mindful breathing, to cultivate the energy of mindfulness and understanding. Understanding, when it comes, helps us release our fear, our anger, our hate, and so on. Love can only be born on the ground of understanding.

When we say that body and mind are connected, this does not mean just your own individual body and mind. In you are all your blood ancestors and also your spiritual ancestors. You can touch the presence of your father and mother in each cell of your body. They are truly present in you, along with your grandparents and great-grandparents. Doing this, you know you are their continuation. You may have thought that your ancestors no longer existed, but even scientists say your ancestors are present in you, in the genetic heritage that is in every cell of your body. The same is true for your descendants. You will be present in every cell of their bodies. And you are present in the consciousness of everyone you have touched.

Think of a plum tree. In each plum on the tree there is a pit. That pit contains the plum tree and all previous generations of plum tree. The plum pit contains an infinite number of plum trees. Inside the pit is an intelligence, a wisdom that knows how to become a plum tree, how to produce branches, leaves, flowers, and plums. It cannot do this on its own. It can do this only because it has received the experience and adaptations of so many generations of ancestors. You are the same. You possess the wisdom and intelligence to become a full human being because you have inherited an eternity of wisdom, not only from your blood ancestors but from your spiritual ancestors too.

Your spiritual ancestors are in you because what you are by nature and what you are by nurture cannot be separated. Nurturing transforms your inherited nature. Your spirituality and your mindfulness practice, which are parts of your daily life, are also in every cell of your body. So your spiritual ancestors are in every cell of your body. You cannot deny their presence.

Some of us have wonderful parents; others have parents who suffered a lot and made their partners and their children suffer. Just about everyone has some blood ancestors whom we admire, and others who had many negative traits and of whom we are not proud. They are all our ancestors. We may also have spiritual ancestors who did not help us and may even have done harm. We may be angry with them, but they are still our ancestors.

We need to return to ourselves and embrace our blood and spiritual ancestors. We cannot get rid of them. They are a reality and they are there inside us, in body, mind, and spirit. Unconditional acceptance is the first step in opening the door to the miracle of forgiveness.

Practice: Accepting Our Ancestors

To sincerely accept others as they are, we must begin with ourselves. If we cannot accept ourselves as we are, we will never be able to accept others. When I look at myself, I see positive, admirable, and even remarkable things, but I also know that there are negative parts of me. So first I recognize and accept myself

Breathing in and breathing out, you visualize your ancestors, and you see all their positive and negative points. Be determined to accept them all as your ancestors without hesitation.

Dear ancestors, I am you, with all your strengths and weaknesses. I see you have negative and positive seeds. I understand that you have been lucky and that good seeds like kindness, compassion, and fearlessness were watered in you. I also understand that if you were not lucky and negative seeds like fear, greed, and jealousy were watered in you, then the positive seeds did not have a chance to grow.

When a person’s positive seeds are watered in life, it is partly because of luck and partly because of effort. The circumstances of our lives can help us water the seeds of patience, generosity, compassion, and love. The people around us can help us water these seeds, and so can the practice of mindfulness. But if a person grows up in a time of war or in a family and community that is suffering, that person may be full of despair and fear. Parents who suffer a lot and are afraid of the world and other people water the seeds of fear and anger in their children. If children grow up embraced by security and love, the good seeds in them are nurtured and grow strong.

If you can look at your ancestors in this way, you will understand that they were human beings who suffered and tried their best. That understanding will erase all rejection and anger. Accepting all your ancestors with both their strengths and their weaknesses will help you become more peaceful and less afraid. You can also see your elder brothers and sisters as your (youngest) ancestors, because they were born before you. They too have strengths and challenges, like all of us.

Making peace with your ancestors takes some practice, but it is important to reconcile with them if you are to settle the fear within yourself. You can do this anywhere, before an altar or a tree, on a mountain, or in the city. All you need to do is visualize the presence of all your ancestors inside you. You are their continuation. Only when you make your peace with them can you be one hundred percent in the moment

Releasing fear about the future

In addition to getting caught in dwelling on events that happened in the past, we often walk around in fear of what will happen to us in the future. The fear of death is one of the greatest fears people have. When we look directly into the seeds of this fear instead of trying to cover it up or run away, we begin to transform it. One of the most powerful ways to do this is with the practice of the five remembrances. If you breathe slowly and mindfully, in and out, deep and slow, while you say these remembrances to yourself, it will help you look deeply into the nature and roots of your fear. The five remembrances are:

1. I am of the nature to grow old. I cannot escape growing old.

2. I am of the nature to have ill health. I cannot escape having ill health.

3. I am of the nature to die. I cannot escape death.

4. All that is dear to me, and everyone I love, are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them.

5. I inherit the results of my acts of body, speech, and mind. My actions are my continuation.

Looking deeply at each remembrance and breathing in and out with our awareness of each one, we engage our fear in an empowered way.