I support you either way!!!!

Those were the words my husband said to me about an hour ago..... And I am still in complete shock...Let me start at the beginning... Today has been rough in one sense.. I am having strong cravings.. Nothing to worry about.. Nothing stronger than me.. But there always there.. Maybe because I am home all day and we are outside and can you say trigger trigger trigger..Or because I went down a step on the patch or maybe because I am starting to really see the truth and my Junkie mind has decided to show up and have a BIG FIGHT. Whatever the reason.. it does not really matter... I followed the rules.. Breath deep,stop smoking, drink water.. Take a break.. tootsie pop etc. And I got through each and every one.. I repeated never take another puff...Not one puff ever...It has made for a tiring day.. but I kept calm and reminded myself to think before I disciplined the children(Urge to yell..... Deep breath... Speak calmly and firmly) My son has his 2 year old teeth breaking through so he is about as much fun as hugging a porcupine.. But I have to tell you.. I have held him.. cuddled him, sang with him. And no matter how far he pushed it.. I did not allow my withdrawal to affect him.. BUT then 5:00pm came. I am trying to get supper ready.. I am seriously getting shaky and nervous and any patience I had was so GONE, It was a like a jykell and hyde moment.. I realize what was happening.. I WANTED A SMOKE!!! AND I WANTED IT BAD!!! I started to have thoughts about how I could make smoking ok... and then I just stopped.. Nothing can make it ok.. So when my hubby came in I told him, I was at a breaking point. I told him I needed him to take the kids for a mintue and let me get my strength back.. he said " Ok after supper I will take them outside" I again tried to stay human and calm and said through my teeth " Dear,smoking cessation, I hate to admit this, but I am about two seconds from jumping in my car and buying smokes.. I need to refuel my patience.. Get my head back into a strong place before I ruin this.. I am asking for help. I am about to go and smoke." Now I was expecting a reaction like " Of course dear, you are doing great take a moment..." Or " You have been doing great, don't you dare throw it away in a bad moment." Or even an OK Dear!" But no his response was " I support you either way, if you want to smoke that is ok with me!!!!" I looked at him," you do not care if I smoke!!! Are you friggin kinding me?" Anyway to make a very long story short... I DID NOT SMOKE this is not an SOS.... I actually left the house.. Got on our garden tractor and mowed the lawn in Zig ZAGS... (WHich I know he hates) I did not trust myself in the car... I just mowed and mowed.... ANd I calmed down.. But I am still craving.. I can't shake it.. I AM NOT GOING TO SMOKE... I am going to get my kids to bed..EAT A ton of sugar filled stuff... Drug myself and go to sleep... But While I was outside and angry... Memories of my last quit crept up on me.. The crazy lady that came out of me.. The ups the downs.. The moods.. One minute you feel like a warrior the next you feel like the weakest person alive. I do not want to go there again.. And I am trying really hard to change this quit with my attitude...but now I am really down... It was like I could not shake the negative stuff... SO I followed my own advice.. Came here... VENTED to all you wonderful folk.... And try to get the power back.... I hate this feeling... I hate that it can ruin a day... And because I have never held a quit for more than a few months... I do not know if it becomes a lifestyle - the moods and the want to smoke... I know what I read and the oldies tell me.. And the rest I have to take in FAITH.... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAnyway like I said this is not an SOS!!! I am not smoking today or tonight... But I am struggling.... ANd I want to get it out there and off my mind..