catch up with myself

- why are you unhappy? - because there’s sth i want but i’m not getting it. it’s the classic setting of a drama, and in the end it i fail one calls it a tragedy.

- can you specify the thing? - maybe it’s sth vaguely like freedom, i don’t have it, and it pains me to think that i just don’t seem to know how to get it. i call it love somehow, that pressing desire on my chest of wanting to get it, but is it really?

- have you done anything about it? if it’s love one would try to fulfill it no? - a little while ago the thought that maybe money will help got into my head and i really tried going after in that route, but alas wining bread is hard and money is treacherous, i’m still unsatiated.

- well, at least you tried, and not all dreams came true you know. - i know, i should really pace myself, one at a time…but i want love! i want to love and to be loved! to recognized as valuable or meaningful, live a life of passion and adventure and romance, to feel, to open myself and conquer my fear, dance with it, and enrobe that sorrow and pain and bitterness in grace, i want beauty, all of it, and having tasted meat it all very unbearable to stick with bread now, and i will not let this slip.

- you’re such a child aren’t you? - i know, so what? for the longest time i was lost in touch with the child in me or it only get manifested in the most idiotic, infantile or narcissistic way, but no, i will not let her go now. i want a life of passion and if the past is full of timid intentions and snuffled wishes either due to me not freeing myself, my own laziness or assumption or others, it’s my task now to uncover it, nurture it and bring it back to life.

- even at times when your dance classes fail you? - yes, even at those times when even trying dance won’t cheer me up and all i ever want to cry for my own ugliness and burden of my flesh, i have yet one more trick, to sing in the shower.