be careful what u wish for
be careful what you wish for (cuz you just might as well get it) (and still be miserable which can make someone sink into deeper despair)
lately i’ve been thinking how i’m sacred of dying alone - of course we all come into this world alone and will leave alone, i guess more precisely i meant that my deepest fear is to be forever and always alone until the moment i die.
but aren’t we always alone after all? you can’t really put someone in your pocket and take them everywhere. even when you are with the ones you love deeply, there are moments when you feel so far apart from them that you wish that you’ve always been just by yourself. but then again, be careful what you wish for.
maybe at the end of the day i’d still want children, which i realize is funny to say it like that as a 22-year-old, but i’ve been so fucking lonely my whole life that i can’t stop thinking about make family for myself since forever ago. before being able to do that, i’d have to be not only functional, but also strong, fearless, and formidable.
being a mom is to be an army of one - or at least that’s how i’d imagine it. and i’m not even talking about the economic aspects or the logistics involved in raising and living with a child. you must be mentally prepared to be doing everything by yourself while also have/find/curate a loving, caring family as well as an entire support system to offer you help at any time.
even then, you might feel secure and confident to bring children into this world.
i saw a mom at the airport today. she has two toddlers. i don’t know children well enough to be able to tell their age (i don’t know any children at all), but i guess they could be 3 or 5. i watched in line as she hurried through the securities with her children, chatted up the officials in a casual but confident way, and then again saw her at the oversized baggage claim. she walks like a cheerful but firm general, like she could get through anything in the world, lead her children through anything. i want to be like that. i think that’s all i ever want to be.
