At the Age of 0x1e

It always makes me feel so comfortable that my age aligns pretty well with year, say, in 2000 I was 10; in 2010 I was 20; and in 2020 I’m 30. What I didn’t expect was that when becoming older and older, many people tend to start hiding their age. So did I. The “0x1e” in the title was just my attempt to doing so.

Looking back to the past 10 years, for me it has been quite a journey of finding and being my real self. To summarize the outcome of this journey in one sentence, ten years ago I was basically a puppet, and ten years later I started to feel that I’m an independent person carrying my own head, and my own heart.

Career

In 2009, after the college entrance exam, tired of being a “good student” without knowing what I’m passionate about, I made a wish, that I’m fine with not going to the top tier schools, but I’d really want to study that major which sounded like my dream -- something that combines technology and art. And I got in.

I enjoyed being mentally unlocked with all kinds of things that we can possibly do with programming and art. Yet later when approaching graduation, we were told that we’d better pick one skill from tech and art as our expertise -- that said, either being a technologist or an artist. That way, it would be much easier for us to find a job, or to pursue further study. My puppet brain thinks that yes I need to make a decision so that it will lead to some tangible success. But my heart disagreed, since I was not 100% into either tech or art, but something in the intersection. so I stayed with my dream that contains both subjects.

However, the reality is that, the world still needs one-subject experts for junior career -- what we were told was right. But what we weren’t told was that, this ‘subject’ does not have to be tech or art, instead it can be something in between (like games, movies), AND it takes time to find this particular area that you like and also fills the needs of the world... I ended up paying some price for sticking to my broad dream without determining my expertise to grow. Then right at the end of my college study, when everyone’s clear of their future path, at one point I did not know where I should go.

Fortunately, I did eventually get to work on the sweet spot between tech and art. That was virtual reality, and later data visualization. I did not ‘pick’ it, I felt that I ‘found’ it. One of the colleagues I met during internship had this passion about 3D modeling. I asked him how he identified his passion. “I love playing video games, and one day I saw a 3D model on a computer screen... Then I said to myself, that’s it. That’s what I’m gonna do for living.” That was very close to how I feel about visualization. My brain exploded when I was first exposed to the field, and all my relevant childhood memory flooded into my head. And, hey, after years, I AM a one-subject expert now... in an area that I love and also is needed by the world.

Now looking back, despite the many things that I think I could’ve done better, I am mostly proud that I’ve kept finding my real dream, so determined that I was willing to pay the price for it. This does not at all sound like me 10 years ago.

Relationship

I had trouble interacting with authority, or with aggressive people, in any kinds of relationships. Because I was afraid of arguments, so that I had this overwhelming tendency to please and agree with those people especially when they’re trying to argue with me, even if they’re wrong. And yes, I’d just be like a puppet.

Still wanting to be myself instead of being controlled by others, I spent years avoiding those aggressive people. I deliberately shaped my social circle to be full of smart AND nice friends, and avoided arguing with others as much as possible.

But soon I found this paradox. I like some of those who are aggressive. I like how they stick to their stand. And also, I started to understand that conflicts are really inevitable, and also understand the positive side of arguments -- that they’ll actually help people understand each other more deeply, and help them grow faster.

One of my ‘not-so-nice’ friends once said to my face that I was a hypocrite. I took a breath and asked why. He said that too often I said I’d get a low score in an exam, yet the score ended up to be pretty good. I thought through what he said for a while, and told him “Yea I am one of those bitches. Bite me.” Just kidding. I said this in a much nicer way. “I do this because it makes ME feel less stressed if I really end up getting a low score. But I did not expect it to make others feel bad and annoyed. ” After this conversation, my friend understood and accepted my explanation, and on the other hand, I started to learn to be more honest and transparent to others.

Knowing the substantial benefits from productive arguments, I gradually invited some aggressive friends to my social circle, and communicate with them in a better way, so that the arguments will indeed be productive, instead of hurting --

Basically, I think a healthy relationship (of any kind) includes two people who can communicate with each other EQUALLY, without controlling or being controlled. And I think this requires both individuals to BE themselves, and to express their true selves to each other.

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This is a very abstract summary of my past 10 years, when I focused on discovering and being my real self. It has been an inward-focused journey. In the next 10 years I want to be more outward-focused, thinking more about what I can *contribute* with my expertise, and sending more love to people who I care about.

(Original post: http://whynwhy.weebly.com/blog/at-the-age-of-0x1e)