The rules of life

Keep swimming, little fish, keep swimming.

And that’s what life is, what it is meant to be: a series of struggles and lulls.

And whatever situation you’re in now, it’s going to change. So what are you in? Lull or struggle? Rain or going to the beach? Learning or enjoying? Dead fish or healthy salmon?

And on and on and on. But if you take this Rule as a simple “I don’t do shouting,” it becomes an easy benchmark to stick to. You become known as someone who is incredibly calm no matter what is happening. Calm people are trusted. Calm people are relied on. Calm people are looked up to and given responsibility. Calm people last longer.

The key is when you hear your intuition telling you whether something is the right thing to do or not—before you do it.

Deep down within all of us is a fount of wisdom. This is called intuition. Listening to your intuition is a slow-learned process. It starts by recognizing that tiny inner voice or feeling that will tell you when you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. It’s an incredibly still, quiet voice and needs silence and concen- tration to hear it properly to begin with.

Imagine, in any situation, that you have a small child standing at your side and you have to explain things to them. Imagine that she asks questions—”Why are you doing that? What’s right and wrong? Should we do this?”—and you have to answer. Only in this situation, you ask the questions and you answer yourself. And you’ll find you already know everything there is to know and everything you’ll ever need to know.

No Fear, No Surprise, No Hesitation, No Doubt

There should be nothing in this life that you are afraid of. If there is, you might need to do some work on overcoming that fear.

Whatever your fear, face it head on and defeat it.

So why does life seem to surprise us then? Because we are asleep half the time. Wake up, and nothing can sneak up on you.

No Hesitation

Weigh the odds and then just get on with it. If you hang back, the opportunity will have passed. If you spend too long thinking, you’ll never make a move. Once we have looked at the options, we make a choice and then go for it. That’s the secret. No hesitation means not waiting around for other people to help out or make up our minds for us. No hesitation means if there is a certain inevitability about a situation, then just throw yourself in head first and enjoy the ride. If there is nothing to be done, then waiting doesn’t help.

No Doubt

Once you have made your mind up about something, don’t go over it again and again. Stop thinking and enjoy—relax and let go. Stop worrying. Tomorrow will come along as certainly as it can. There is no doubt about life. It just is. Be confident. Be committed. Be sure of yourself. Once you have committed yourself to a set course, a path, a plan, then follow it through. Have no doubt it was the right thing to do and no doubt that you will succeed. Get on with it and trust your judgment completely.

This world is divided into those who look at others enviously and those who look at others as a motivational tool.

If you give up in the right way at the right time, you’re showing strength of character, not weakness.

Good Rules players know when they’re beat.

Someone asks you a question and you’re not sure of the answer. Take ten before you answer. This person will think you are incredibly wise and thoughtful.

Once I have collected my wits and calmed down, I can find an appropriate response.

Often the only ear we have is our own. The only definite influence we have is over ourselves. The only thing we can really, really change is exactly that—ourselves. Wonderful. What an opportunity to do some good. What a chance to make a real contribution. Begin with ourselves and let it spread outward. This way we don’t have to waste time preaching to those who won’t listen. We don’t have to waste effort or energy or resources on things over which we have no control and no certainty of any success. By changing ourselves, though, we can be assured of a result.

Dedicate yourself personally to things you can change, areas where you can make a difference.

Once you become the judge, the panel of experts, it is very easy to live up to those expectations because they are entirely yours. No one else can say whether you have failed or succeeded. No one else can set the criteria for what you are about to embark on.

The most marvelous thing about setting your own standards is that no one else can judge; others can’t get their sticky little fingers on what, for you, is right or wrong, good or bad. How liberating is that? Infinitely.

The secret is to be aware of what you are doing and have some sort of benchmark where you, and only you, monitor your performance. Make your goals, your aims, simple and obviously attainable. Make sure you know what is, for you, best and second best.

Failing is fine. Aiming for second best isn't.

I can’t stand people who seem perfect. They make me feel inadequate. And that’s not a nice way to go through life, is it? Going around making other people feel inadequate. So let’s have none of it.

You are the sum total of everything that has happened in your life—the successes and the failures, the achievements and the mistakes. If you were to take any of the imperfect bits out of that equation, you wouldn’t be you.

The point is that so long as you’re aiming for the best, you should- n’t beat yourself up when you don’t always make it. Not only that, but you should celebrate your flaws and imperfections as an important and necessary part of you. This is an attitude that will make you a lot more fun to be around, I can tell you.

They’re your dreams, for heaven’s sake. There should be no limit to them. Plans have to be realistic; dreams don’t.

I worked in the casino business for many years and was always intrigued that “punters” (what we should really call “customers”) could never see it; that they would always lose because they wouldn’t limit their losses but would always limit their winnings.

And yet dreams are at worst harmless. Don’t limit them! You are allowed to dream as high, as wide, as big, as extravagant, as impossible, as wacky, as silly, as bizarre, as unrealistically non- sensical as you want.

And yet dreams are at worst harmless. Don’t limit them! You are allowed to dream as high, as wide, as big, as extravagant, as impossible, as wacky, as silly, as bizarre, as unrealistically non- sensical as you want.

The only note of caution here—and I do speak from personal experience—is to be very careful of what you do wish for, what you dream of, because it might just come true. And where would you be then?

A lot of people think their dreams have to be realistic to be worth dreaming about. But that’s a plan, and that is something quite different. I have plans, and I take logical steps to make them come to fruition. Dreams are allowed to be so improba- ble that they are never likely to come true. And don’t go thinking you’ll never achieve anything by sitting around day- dreaming all day. Some of the most successful people have also been those who have dared to dream the most. It isn’t a coincidence.

I’ve always been terrified of ending up like those people I know who never take risks and who never go anywhere, change, grow, do anything, realize their dreams.

But over the years, I’ve noticed that the people who are really happy are the ones who take risks, sure, but they look ahead first. Not looking for excuses to stay on the shore, but looking to see how deep the water is. As I’ve learned (shamefully slowly) to copy their example, I’ve found it makes me happier, too. I get what I want, and without paying as heavily for it as I often used to.

Sometimes it’s better to stand on a bank and dip a toe in, or paddle about a bit.

There isn’t anything you can do to wipe the slate clean. What you can do is to resolve not to make such bad decisions again. That’s all anyone can ask of us—that we acknowledge where we messed up and are trying our hardest not to repeat the pattern.

Live here, live now, live in this moment.

But again, this here and now is where it is actually at. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for all your life.

Dreams are great, but reality is fine, too.

You have to get on with life, but it is so easy to wallow if you don’t have a goal (or goals) and a plan. It’s very easy for the days to blur into each other if you’ve no idea where you are going or what you want to achieve.

But, increasingly, I see the huge advantage of having a goal and working toward that rather than drifting aimlessly. It makes it so much easier for good things to happen.

You have to give it a bit of thought if you want to get the best out of it.

The more clear we are about what we believe and why, the easier it is to be consistent in what we think, say, and do.

There’s no point in choosing a path if you’re just going to wander off it at whim.

Today is important. It is the only day you’ve got that has some reality to it.

Look, a lot of these Rules are about conscious choice, con- scious decisions, conscious awareness. Those I have observed who seem to have a handle on this thing called life are con- scious people. They are awake and aware. They know what they are doing and where they are going. If you, too, want your life to be more than a set of random events that happen to you and instead make it a series of stimulating challenges and rewarding and enriching experiences, then you, too, have to be conscious.

People will react differently to you if you dress as if it matters—and you’ll react differently to that different reaction. It’s an upward spiral. I have to stress we’re not talking formal here; you don’t have to be buttoned up and uncomfortable. Just dress as if it matters.

If you greet each day as if it is important, then it will do wonders to your self-esteem, your self-respect, your self-confidence.

If you adopt the conscious approach to living, you’ll find it quite hard to consciously dress down.

I simply say that those who have a belief system to sustain them through times of crisis and trouble do better than those who don’t. It’s that simple.

Any one will do as long as it supports you in times of trouble, answers your questions about your life and what you mean to the universe, and gives you comfort.

A belief system has to be that—a belief. You don’t have to prove it to anyone else, justify it, or show it.

So what are you going to do with that time? Answer: absolutely nothing. And I do mean nothing. This isn’t time for lying in the bath, sitting on the toilet, meditating, reading the newspapers, or sleeping. This is a little space for you, a breather, a time to sit still and do absolutely nothing. Just breathe. I find that ten minutes sitting in the garden just breathing is a fantastic boost a couple of times a day. I sit there, not thinking, not doing, not worrying, just being, while I appreciate the pleasure of being alive.

I find time spent doing nothing really important, and as soon as I complicate it, it loses something. If I add a cup of coffee to my solitude, then it’s a coffee break and not a space just for me. If I listen to music, then it’s a music break. If I have a companion with me and I chat, then it’s a social occasion. If I read the papers then I have moved away entirely from the con- cept of a little space for me. Keep it simple. Keep it bare. Keep it pure.

You’ve got to have a plan. A plan is a map, a guide, a target, a focus, a route, a signpost, a direction, a path, a strategy. It says that you are going to go somewhere, do something, be some- where by a certain time. It gives your life structure and shape, gravitas, and power. If you allow life to turn up any old thing, you’ll be floating downstream as quick as you like. OK, so not all plans work out, and not all maps lead to the treasure. But at least you’re in with a better chance if you have a map and a shovel than if you just dig at random—or, like most people, don’t dig at all.

A plan indicates you’ve thought about your life and aren’t just waiting for something to turn up. Or, again like most people, you’re not even thinking about it but going through life per- petually surprised by what happens. Work out what it is you want to do, plan it, work out the steps to take to achieve your goal, and get on with it. If you don’t plan your plan, it will remain a dream.

So what happens if you don’t have a plan? Well, you reinforce, to yourself, your sense of being “not in control.” Once you have a plan, everything else falls into place. Once you have a plan, the logical steps to achieve that plan also become avail- able, accessible.

By letting go of things that really aren’t important, we can put ourselves back on the right track. And the best way to do that is through humor—laughing at ourselves, laughing at our situation, but never laughing at others—they’re just as lost as we are and don’t need to be laughed at.

We get bogged down in things like worrying what the neigh- bors will think, concerns over stuff we don’t have, or things we haven’t done.

Life is for living, enjoying the sunshine, big things—not getting in a ter- rible state because you dropped some eggs on the supermarket floor.

Laughing at yourself and situations you find yourself in has a double positive effect. First, it diffuses tension and helps regain a sense of proportion. Second, it has real physical as well as mental benefits. Laughter causes the release of endor- phins, which make you feel better as well as give you a better perspective on life.

It’s more being able to see something funny in whatever life throws at us along the way—and there is always some humor in everything.

If you observe any aspect of human behavior, you can see the ridiculousness in all of it. Learn to find the funny side of everything. It’s the best technique for instant stress relief and dissolves anxiety and doubt. Try it.

Every action you take, every decision you make, everything you do causes an immediate effect on those around you—and on you.

Trust me. Whatever you do and how you do it will come back to you in spades. This isn’t a threat, merely an observation. Those who do good, get good. Those who do bad, get bad.

You are what you do. Look at the faces of those who spread joy, and you will see laughter lines and smiles. Look at those who like to bully, get their own way, and are arrogant or demanding or vicious, and you will see etched lines of misery and fear and frowns where there ought to be lightness.

Someone once said that half of the money he spent on adver- tising was wasted, but he didn’t know which half.* His point was, of course, that if you can’t tell which half, then you have to keep on doing the whole lot, fully aware that not all of it will produce rewards. Life is a bit like that. Sometimes it seems so unfair. You put in loads of effort and get nothing back. You’re polite to people and everyone seems rude back. You work up a sweat and others cruise it. Well, you have to keep on doing the 100 percent because you don’t know which bits will pay off. I know it isn’t fair, but then life isn’t. Your efforts will be rewarded eventually, but you’ll probably never know which efforts are being rewarded—or for what—and which aren’t.

We tend to think we are being lucky sometimes when actually we are just being rewarded for some bit of effort long ago that we have forgotten about. We have to keep going. You can’t give up on the grounds that you’ve had a setback or two, because you don’t know which setbacks are the ones that count and which ones aren’t. I suppose it’s like the number of frogs you have to get acquainted with before you find your prince (or princess). Or the pile of oysters you’d have to open to find a pearl.

But whatever you do, don’t lose heart because things don’t seem to be panning out. Only by keeping up the effort will rewards come in eventually—and you’ll never know from which bits come the best reward.

Most well-balanced and happy people will also tell you that sometimes you have to work at something without looking for a payoff—apart from the immediate payoff that we are being kept busy and thus can’t get into trouble. Always looking for success, rewards, a payoff can be detrimental to our well-being when things don’t pan out. Sometimes it’s OK to do things just for the sheer enjoyment of doing them. I love painting minia- ture watercolors—tiny, tiny landscapes. Once in a while someone will come along and suggest I put them into an exhi- bition or sell them commercially. And every time I do it fails miserably, and I give up for a while. Once the dust has settled, I always go back to them. I have learned it is a personal thing, and no longer will I try to sell them or show them. They are a not-for-profit part of my life and immensely rewarding. No, you can’t see one.

Be prepared to be a little bit brave every day. Why? Because if you don’t you’ll grow stagnant and moldy or curl up and wither. We all have a comfort zone where we feel safe and warm and dry. But every now and then we need to step out- side and be challenged, be frightened, be stimulated. It’s this way that we stay young and feel good about ourselves.

But it’s more than that. Expanding your comfort zone makes you feel good about yourself. It gives you extra confidence. And the best bit is that you can do it oh so gently. You don’t have to go hang gliding or fire walking or have sex with a stranger just to test your comfort zone. It might be as simple as volunteering for something that you’ve never done before and that you feel slightly nervous about. It could be taking up a new sport or hobby.

We impose a lot of restrictions on ourselves that limit us, hold us back. We think we couldn’t do that, wouldn’t feel happy with that. Taking the challenge of expanding our comfort zone brings us out of ourselves and keeps us learning and growing. You can’t grow mold if you’re growing experience.

Questions put people on the spot, which means they have to think—and thinking is always a good thing for everybody about everything. Questions help people clarify their thoughts. Questions demand answers, and answers require the situation to be thought through, to its logical conclusion.

As someone very wise and very dear to me once said, “The better you understand the beliefs, actions, desires, and wants of others, the more likely you are to make the right response, alter your own thinking where necessary, and generally be successful.”

Asking questions gives you time to think, buys you breathing space. Rather than flying off the handle because you think you know the situation, it’s better to ask a few questions and find out the truth. You’ll be better equipped to respond logically, calmly, and correctly.

You can always tell the real Rules Players; they’re the ones asking questions while others are reacting, panicking, misin- terpreting, assuming, losing control, and generally behaving badly.

Ask questions of yourself constantly. Ask why you think you’re right—or wrong. Ask yourself why you are doing cer- tain things, want other things, follow a particular course of action. Question yourself firmly and rigorously, because maybe there isn’t anyone else doing it. And you need it. We all do. It keeps us from assuming we know what’s best for ourselves.

And, of course, there is a time to stop asking questions—of others and of ourselves. You have to know when to back off. All this takes a long time to learn, and we all make mistakes as we go. Any questions?

In fact, one of the most successful people I ever met lived incredibly frugally, simply, and reclusively and yet had cracked success in a really big way—happiness, peace, con- tentment. This was a person you couldn’t have wiped the inner smile off even if you had tried.

Almost all successful people have a sense of their own dignity. Now what do I mean by this? Well, they are all pretty solid in themselves; they have worked out who they are and what they are about. They don’t need to show off or brag about what they have or who they are. They don’t need to draw attention to themselves because they aren’t particularly interested in what we think—they are too busy getting on with things in their own lives. They maintain decorum (lovely old-fashioned word) not because they are frightened of making a fool of themselves or falling flat on their face but because they simply can’t be bothered with attention-seeking stuff.

Dignity is about showing self-respect and having quiet self- esteem. It’s amazing how others will respect you and hold you in greater esteem when you start the ball rolling.

Sitting on our feelings isn’t a good idea. They just get squashed that way. It’s far better to let them out, deal with them, and then get on with things.

Believe me, we’ll never be able to understand everything. And that applies at all levels and in all areas of life.

People don’t always make sense. Life doesn’t always make sense. Let it go, and discover the peace of mind that comes with knowing that you’ll never understand everything. Sometimes it just is.

People get addicted to buying new stuff or falling in love or whatever because they just love that feel- ing without realizing that they already have it. They have to keep having their “fix” because they think it’s the only way to get that feeling going. The secret is knowing how to trigger it without anyone else or anything else being involved. No, I don’t know. You have to find that one for yourself. Clue: It’s the one place you’d never think of looking—yep, right inside you.

The best things in life come with chewy, dried tomatoes and olives. There’s no point moaning. Just pick them off, or swal- low them down as fast as you can, and then sink your teeth into what’s left and relish every bite.

If it’s dead, don’t go digging it up every five minutes to check if there’s a pulse. It’s dead; walk away.

Letting go and walking away means you are exercising control and good decision-making powers—you are making your choice rather than letting the situation control you.

Putting space and time between you and your troubles does give you a wider view, a better perspective.

Anyone who is prepared to cut down your tree or steal your idea isn’t about to take your little act of revenge lying down. It really is sometimes better to do nothing, say nothing.

You are the Boss, the Captain, the Driving Force. If you are sick, who is going to run the ship? There is no one else. It makes sense to look after yourself.

Rules Players eat well, sleep well, relax a lot, exercise. They also stay away from potentially harmful situations.

Looking after yourself is exactly that. Not relying on anyone else to make sure you are fed on time and fed well, washed and ready to go, comfortable, tidy, healthy, and let out regu- larly for your walk.

You’re a grown-up and on your own now.

The Rules Player maintains good manners in all things.

• Lining up without pushing
• Complimenting people when you need to (and when they deserve it—no use throwing compliments around if they aren’t justified and earned)
• Not sticking your nose in where it isn’t wanted
• Keeping a promise
• Keeping a secret
• Keeping basic table etiquette (oh, come on, you know this stuff: no elbows, no talking with your mouth open, no overstuffing your mouth, no flicking peas with your knife)
• No shouting at people who get in your way
• Apologizing when you get in someone else's
• Being civil
• Not swearing or being religiously profane
• Opening the door ahead of people
• Standing back when there is a rush
• Answering when spoken to
• Saying "good morning"
• Thanking people when they’ve looked after you or done something for you
• Being hospitable
• Observing manners of other communities
• Not grabbing the last piece of cake
• Being courteous and charming
• Offering visitors refreshment and going to the front door to say goodbye to them

No matter how many small interactions with people you have each day, don’t let the manners slip. They cost nothing and yet can generate so much goodwill and make everyone’s life that much more pleasant.

Prune your stuff frequently. Why? Because collecting clutter clutters your home, your life, and your mind. A cluttered home is symbolic of cluttered thinking. Rules Players are clear and direct in their thinking and don’t collect junk.

After all, William Morris who said not to have anything in your home that wasn’t useful or beau- tiful.

Before you can touch base, you have to know where base is. Base is home. Base is where you belong. Base is where you feel comfortable, secure, loved, restored, and trusted. Base is where you feel strong and in control. Base is anywhere you can kick your shoes off, metaphorically and physically, and rest your head safe in the knowledge you’ll be looked after.

If you are really struggling, then it’s possible to create yourself a new base. Anywhere that makes you feel secure is fine.

Base is where you were before you got lost.

Personal boundaries are the imaginary lines you draw around yourself that no one should cross either physically—unless invited in—or emotionally. You are entitled to respect, privacy, decency, kindness, love, truth, and honor, to name but a few rights. If people cross the lines, blur the boundaries, you are entitled to stand up for yourself and say, “No, I won’t put up with this.”

The more secure you become with your boundaries, the less power other people will have to affect you. The more clearly defined your boundaries, the more you realize that other people’s stuff is more to do with them and less to do with you—you stop taking things so personally.

You are entitled to basic self-respect. You can’t expect others to respect you unless you respect yourself. You can’t respect yourself until you have formed a clear picture of who you are and what you are. And setting boundaries is part of this process. You have to feel important enough to set those lines. And once set, you have to be assertive enough to reinforce them.

Setting personal boundaries means you don’t have to be scared of other people anymore. You now have a clear idea of what you will put up with and what you won’t. Once someone crosses the line between appropriate and inappropriate behavior, it gets really easy to say, “No, I don’t want to be treated like this/spoken to like this.”

Say, for example, you might be used to going to visit your parents and coming away feeling bad because they put you down or made you feel inadequate. You can change things by saying to your- self, “I won’t put up with this anymore.” And then don’t put up with it. Speak your mind. Say you don’t like being criticized/told off/made to feel small; you are an adult now and are entitled to respect and encouragement.

Setting personal boundaries enables us to resist pushy people, rude people, aggressive people, people who would take advantage of us, people who would use us unwisely and unwell. Successful people know their worth and don’t get messed around. Successful people are the ones who can recognize emotional blackmail, people playing games with them, people on the make, people who themselves are weak and needy, people who dump on others, people who need to make you look small to make themselves feel big. Once you’ve got those lines drawn around you, it gets a whole lot easier to stay behind them and be firm, resolute, strong, and assertive.

Shop for quality, not price.

• Accept only the very best—second best is not for you, ever.
• If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it or wait and save until you can.
• If you have to have it, buy the very best you can afford.

The first step is to decide whether there is something you can do about whatever it is you are worrying about, or not.

If you are worried then:

• Get practical advice
• Get up-to-date information
• Do something, anything as long as it is constructive

A man with the rather impressive name of Mikhail Csikszentmihalyi identified something called “flow,” where you are so absorbed in a task you are doing, so fully im- mersed, that you become almost unaware of external events. It’s a pleasurable experience, and it completely banishes worry. He also said, “The quality of our lives improves immensely when there is at least one other person who is willing to listen to our troubles.”

All you’re doing is putting wrinkles in your brow—and that makes you look older, you know.

Staying young is trying out new tastes, new places to go, new styles, keeping an open mind. Staying young is about keeping a fresh vision of the world, being interested, being stimulated, being motivated, being adventurous. Staying young is a state of mind.

If somebody you care about seems distracted, tense, not themselves, then buying them a present might well cheer them up, but the better (and cheaper) option is to make time to take them out for a walk and ask them about themselves, give them the opportunity to talk.

Like our grandparents, who didn’t throw things away and get a new one when something had stopped working—they patiently sat down and tried to sort out what it was that had gone wrong and determine if there was a way to put it right again. That went for relationships as well as for watches or appliances.

We need to be incredibly clear about our opinions, grounded in our own sense of identity, and very assertive about being us so that we aren’t easily swayed by what other people think of us. It’s tougher than it looks at first glance. We are all vulnerable inside. We all have fears and concerns. We all want to be loved and accepted. We all want to blend in, be one of a crowd, be acknowledged. We all want to belong. The temptation is to say, “I’ll be whatever you want me to be.”

To think for yourself, you have to be pretty sure of who you are and be clear in your thinking as well as doing it for yourself—there’s no point in thinking for yourself if it’s all muddled and woolly.

Of course, to think for yourself means you have to (a) have something to think about and (b) actually do the thinking. Look at a selection of people you know. If they are at one with their own life, I bet they are doing both.

Once you accept that you’re not in charge, you can let go of so much stuff it’s very liberating. Instead of complaining, “Why isn’t it like this?” you can accept it isn’t and let it go. Instead of metaphorically bashing your head against a metaphoric brick wall, you can walk away whistling with your hands in your pockets—you are, after all, not in charge and therefore not responsible.

Once you get your head around the wonderful concept that you are here to enjoy and not here to run things, then you are free to sit in the sunshine a bit more often, take time off.

Look, stuff happens. Good stuff and bad stuff. There may or there may not be a driver. You can blame the driver if you want. You can accept that if there isn’t a driver, the journey will sometimes be scary, sometimes exhilarating, sometimes boring, sometimes beautiful. (Actually, whether there is or isn’t a driver, the same holds true.) We have to have both the good stuff and the bad stuff. That’s a fact. If you or I were in charge, we’d probably interfere too much and get rid of most of the bad stuff and the human race would die out ever so quickly due to stagnation, lack of challenge, lack of motiva- tion, and lack of excitement. It is, after all, the bad stuff that fires us up, makes us learn, and gives us a reason for living. If it was all good, it would be awfully fluffy and boring.

You might not be running the show, but that doesn’t discharge you of all respon- sibilities. You still have obligations—you still need to be respectful of the world you live in and the people you live in it with—it’s just that you don’t have overall responsibility for the whole show and everything in it.

Seeing as you are not in charge, you can watch it like a movie and cheer at the exciting bits, cry at the sad bits, and hide during the scary moments. But you are not the director or even the projectionist. You are not even the usher.* You are the audience; enjoy the show.

Once you accept that you're not in charge, you can let go.

I guess we all need something in our life that takes us out of ourselves and perhaps stops us taking ourselves too seriously. Whether it’s a dog, a child, or a chat with a lonely person in a nursing home, there needs to be something that makes you realize that all the stuff that’s getting to you isn’t that impor- tant and reminds you of the simple pleasures in life.

Bad people don’t feel guilty. They are too busy being bad. Good people feel guilty because they are good and they feel they have done wrong, let somebody down, made a mistake, or screwed up somewhere. Good people have a conscience. Bad people don’t. If you do feel guilty, that’s a good sign. It shows you are on the right track. But you have to know how to deal with it, because guilt is a terribly selfish emotion. It is wasteful and pointless.

It is very easy to moan, to complain, to criticize. It is much harder to always find something nice to say about a situation or a person.

“This, my dear, is what they call an adventure.”

When asked your opinion of someone, something, somewhere, you need to find something good to say, something flattering and positive.

There is ample evidence that being pos- itive has many benefits, but the most noticeable is that people will gravitate toward you and not even know why. That posi- tive air about you is attractive.

People like being around those who are upbeat, positive, happy, and confident. We need to bite our tongue more and say good things more often.

And if all else fails, and you really can’t think of anything positive to say at all, then don’t say anything. At all.

A relationship is, if you like, a team made up of initially two people (later the team may get swamped by lots of junior team members) who both bring talents and skills and resources to the relationship.

Accept the Differences, Embrace What You Have in Common

If we embrace those things we have in common and accept what is different, we might get along a whole lot better instead of treating each other as if we were separate species.

Every team needs different people with differ- ent qualities to achieve things and to make the project work.

If we focus on the differences and make a big deal out of them, we risk losing the input and contribu- tion of somebody who can help to lighten our load and make the journey more fun.

They don’t give each other any space at all, let alone space to be themselves.

So encourage, stand back, sit on your hands, push, and be there. Tall order.

Most successful relationships have an element, and a big one, of independence. The couple spends time apart to bring something back to the relationship. This is healthy. This is good. This is grown-up.

What attracted you? What was special about them? What turned you on?

You have to reintroduce yourselves to each other as respectful, tactful individuals who are going to start again being pleasant, kind, civil, and polite.

From now on, you will say “please” and “thank you” no matter how many times a day it is necessary.

Be thoughtful. Be complimentary. Give gifts without there being any reason for it. Ask questions to show you are interested in what your partner is saying.

Be solicitous of your partner’s health, welfare, dreams, hopes, workload, interests, and pleasure. Take time to help him. Take time to focus on his needs and wants. Take time to just be there for him, not to have to do anything except listen, show an interest, show that you still love him. Don’t allow benign neglect to ruin your relationship.

We treat strangers exceedingly well and usually reserve our best attentions for people we work with. Our partner gets missed, lost in the bustle of it all. In fact, we should treat our partner better than anyone else. After all, this is supposed to be the most important person in the world to us. It makes sense to show him this is true.

Just because we come together to be a couple for however long doesn’t mean we are joined at the hip and have to think the same, do the same, feel the same, react the same. I have noticed that the most successful relationships are the ones where the couple is strong together but also strong apart. The best relationships are the ones where both are supportive of each other’s interests even if they aren’t their own.

Being supportive of your partner and what she wants to do means you have to be very centered yourself not to feel jealous or mistrustful or resentful. You have to be prepared for her to be independent, strong, out in the world separate from you. It can be hard. It can ask a lot of you. It can be a real test of how much you care and how protective you tend to be.

The more freedom you give/allow/tolerate/encourage, the more likely your partner will be to reciprocate and return. If a partner feels she is encouraged and trusted, she is much less likely to “stray” or want out because she feels hemmed in or caged. The more supportive you are, the more she will feel she is being treated kindly, and that is a good thing.

It is not our job to put her down, ridicule her dreams, belittle her plans, or laugh at her ambitions. It is not our job to discourage her, put her off, place obstacles in her path, or restrict her in any way. It is our job to encourage our partner to soar.

Don’t care who started it. Don’t care what it was about. Don’t care who is right and who is wrong. Don’t care whose game it was.

We are the first. We take great pride in being first because we are so firm in our own sense of ourselves that we don’t feel any loss of pride if we say sorry. We don’t feel threatened or challenged or weak. We can say sorry and still be strong. We can say sorry and retain our dignity and respect.

This is about going an extra step to please the person who means the most to you in all the world, the person you love and cherish and care about, the person who is the most important human being in your life. This is about your love, your companion, your treasure, your soul mate, your lover, and friend. So what’s your problem? Why wouldn’t you want to do this? Why wouldn’t you be doing it already?

It’s going out of your way to find out what they would really, really like and then giving it to them. And I’m not talking money here. This is about surprising them, finding little things to delight them and show that you have thought of them. Arranging things in advance to let them know how special they are and how much you care and how important they are.

This is finding ways to delight them beyond the normal, way beyond what is expected, further than anyone else would. This is a fantastic opportunity to be creative, adventurous, wacky, unusual, caring, and loving all at the same time. Haven’t got the time? Then you must check your priority list. What could be more important than delighting your lover and partner and friend? (Yes, it is the same person, not three people.)

We’re back to the woman and her greyhounds here. When she comes home, her dogs are always pleased to see her, but then dogs always are. No matter how badly you have treated them,* they always go nuts. Of course, you want your partner to behave in just the same fashion, to go nuts when you come home. And I’m sure they do, don’t they? And, of course, you do when they come home, don’t you? No? Why not? Yes? Well done.

We all need someone who is pleased to see us. It makes us feel it is all worthwhile. I love it when I have to go away for work for a day or two and then when I get back my children all stand there, like children do, with their hands outstretched with that lovely, “Have you brought me something back?” look on their faces.

Having someone or something who is pleased to see you is important because it gives you someone who needs you, and this gives you a purpose, stops you getting self-absorbed, gives you a reason for getting on with life. But what if you live alone and don’t have pets or children? Well, volunteer or charity work is a very good way to quickly get in the situation where somebody is pleased to see you. Then again, it could be right on your doorstep.

Of course, some problems don’t actually have solutions; that’s not why we’re being told them. We are being told so we can be part of the process, and that may be sympathy, grief, shock, empathy, kindness, emotional advice, or hand-holding. Knowing when to offer chocolate and sympathy or a tool kit and a stout rope instead is the skill to learn, and a good Rules Player gets it right.

You have to make the effort. You have to stay awake, in touch, in tune. You have to share dreams and goals and ambitions and plans. You have to have passion for being with each other.

What’s that? You’re not dedicat- ing yourself to someone else’s happiness? Then what are you doing? That’s what a relationship is all about in a sense. And if you’re not doing that, what do you think you are doing?

You have to really care, to still be in love, to want your partner to be fulfilled, successful, happy, complete.

This is your chance to have a really good, strong relationship based on mutual trust, responsibility, shared happiness, drive, and the pursuit of excellence. It isn’t? What is it then? It has to be if you are going to get the maximum out of it.

Your partner isn’t just there for someone to chat with when you get a bit fed up and want some company. She is there because she loves you and you love her.

She is there for you both to have a relationship. If that isn’t as much as anyone needs as an incentive to live life to the full and have a passion, then I don’t know what is.

And so does our partner. Consideration has to be the key word. We have to be considerate of what our partner needs, likes, wants, is capable of doing. We have to be courteous.

Even the most passionate lovers can be kind to each other while tearing each other’s clothes off and having very physical sex—the two can go together.

Making love is as close as we are ever going to get to another human being, as intimate as it is ever going to be. If we don’t move respectfully in this arena, then what are we doing? And respect grows out of knowledge—knowledge of not only what our partner likes best but of the whole process. We should be as skilful as possible, and if we aren’t, it is something we can spend a bit of time learning about. There is no shame in learning. We can’t all be born the best drivers and the best lovers in the world.

If we aren’t talking, there is something wrong. If we aren’t talk- ing, what are we doing? Talking helps us understand, listen, share, communicate.

Make some recognition every few seconds that you are still awake, alive, in the room, interested, paying atten- tion—this may be a nod, a yes or no, a noise of encouragement (hmm, oh).

Be aware that talking is part of your duties as a lover/partner, and you should be good at it.

Good talking leads to good sex—if you aren’t talking, you aren’t flirting, holding hands, seducing. By talking, we are committing the act known as foreplay.

Talking keeps you together—it’s what you used to do when you first fell in love, remember?

There is obviously a time and a place for silences—but talking is healthy, productive, companionable, friendly, loving, kind, and fun. Silences can be boring, unhelp- ful, destructive, and threatening. Obviously, there is quality talking and there is rambling on. Make sure you don’t just chatter away to fill the silences with meaningless trivia. Talking has to have some purpose, although gossiping is fine. Just babbling isn’t. So talk sensibly now.

Winston Churchill said the reason he managed to stay married for 56 years—or however long it was—was separate bathrooms.

So keep yourself to yourself in your more intimate ablutions, and make sure you don’t intrude on anyone else’s privacy. You can extend this Rule to everyone else in the entire universe, not just your partner.

If you feel a need to intrude on someone else’s privacy, you have to take a long hard look at yourself and fathom out why.

You have to know what your part- ner thinks are the shared goals—and what you think.

And you have to differentiate between shared goals and shared dreams. We all have dreams—the cottage by the sea, the trip round the world, the Ferrari, the second home in Malibu, the purpose-built wine cellar (fully stocked, of course), the Olympic-size swimming pool—but goals are different. Goals are to have children (or not); to travel a lot; to retire early and live in Spain; to bring up the children to be happy, well- adjusted people; to stay together (!); to move to the countryside/town; to downsize together and work from home; to run your own business together; to get a dog.

Dreams are acquisitions that either of you could want, and goals are shared aims that you need each other for, because without the other the goal is pretty meaningless.

This Rule is about reviewing. To review, you have to talk to your partner about where it is you both think you’re going and what you’re doing. It doesn’t have to be heavy. This can be a light review just to touch base and check that you are both on the same track. It doesn’t have to be too detailed, just simple questions to confirm a general similar direction, rather than trying to map out an A-to-Z of your future life together.

My point is you should treat your partner better than your friends because your partner is both lover and friend. And ideally best friend.

This means not interfering, respecting his privacy, treating him like an independent grown-up. You only have to look around to see couples who treat each other like small children, nagging, scolding, arguing, criticizing, nit-picking. They wouldn’t do it with their friends, so why do they do it with the one person who is supposed to mean heaven and earth to them?

Happiness is such an illusory thing that spending too much time chasing it is not very worthwhile.

Instead of aiming for happy, it’s better to aim for contentment. Now that’s attainable. That’s a worthy goal.

And so if you find you are with somebody where there is no big firework display, palpitations, and extreme of feelings but there is a baseline contentment and warmth and love—be happy with that.

The happiest relationships, the most successful, the strongest, are where both parties see the need for flexibility in their rules and adjust their relationship accordingly.

And I guess if you have to take anything away from this Rule, the most important bit is being there. You are there when your friend is going through it and not just there for the good times. You will be there when your friend needs you in the early hours, the dark days, the times of trouble and stress. You will be there to hold her hand, let her cry on your shoulder, lend her a Kleenex, pat her on the back and make her endless cups of coffee. And you will tell them to cheer up, stop worrying, stop being such a fool, whatever it takes to get them up and at it again.

You will be there to give your friend good advice. You will be there just to listen at times. You will be there when you don’t want to be. You will be there when all her other friends have fallen by the wayside. You will be there no matter what.

You take the moral high ground and be the first to offer the hand of friendship, be the first to forgive and forget. (And I don’t care how serious the squabble was, Rules Players don’t carry grudges, ever....)

They love you, and you give them something of yourself, something precious. Yep, your time and attention. And you do this willingly, not as a chore. You do this with dedication and commitment and wholehearted enthusiasm— or you don’t do it at all. There is no point spending quality time with your kids, for example, and using that time to catch up on work or read the paper or get tomorrow’s lunchboxes ready. You have to be there entirely for them, or they’ll know your attention is elsewhere and they’ll feel cheated.

One day she might not be there—and then you will so desperately wish you’d actually listened. But then it’ll be too late. So make time for the people who matter— today.

The more time we put into our relationships—with children, siblings, parents, friends—the more we get out of them.

Your job is to give them the resources to achieve whatever it is they want to. Whether they do or don’t achieve is irrelevant. If they had the chance, that’s everything.

However, think about how you feel when people try to tell you what to do. If you know what’s right for you, you don’t appreciate other people telling you what they think. They don’t understand. No, not even your closest family members really understand what it’s like to be you. Even if you’re making a mistake, you still want to be allowed to make it for yourself and to learn from it. And that’s how we need to treat everyone else around us. Tough, ain’t it? But necessary.

Kids don’t know any better, and it is your job to teach them, educate them, help them, encourage them.

Your job from now on, as a Rules Player, is to be up around people you love. No more moaning. No more complaining. No more grumbling. These things will no more issue from your lips. You are, from now on, the positive one, the perpetually cheerful, always up one around whom good things revolve and happen.