drafting
It is fucking frustrating when you are doing reseach on a topic that everyone feels he/she/they have the authority and qualifications to make a CONCLUSION about.
I have been reading and writing on this topic for years, while these people can jump out form nowhere, believe they have the right amount of knowledge and are confident enough to judge what I am studying.
Can you guys just accept that things do not always have a conclusion? That's why my subject matters and of course you don't give a shit cause you are lazy and arrogant.
Yes, I am talking about gender, queer theory, sexuality, kinship, and human. You better cancel anthropology since you know humans already.
I am sick of the "I am right" face, sick of the "this is the truth I don't want to know more" attitude.
I am absolutely fine with people asking all kinds of questions about my research, but it gets really messy when someone talks like these topic aren't worthy of studying. For them, there are just 'social facts', and period.
And I have to digest these statements because obviously I can't push them to read Foucault or study gender.
The wrose thing is that they are not strangers.
They can be important family members or friends, and I can't even tranform a single bit of their ignorance to tolerence.
Fine.
感冒了一周，头昏脑胀就算了，脸上还总是挂着猪肝一样的潮红，就在家狂睡。
然后时间一天一天过去了，想要约出来见面吃饭的人迟迟没办法约，身体似乎在抗议，又像是看出了我的害怕一样，没有让我恢复。
田野调查，访谈，这样的字眼大概始终带着过于严肃的意义赋予感，即使我们都用随意轻松的语境包围。
上周review的书作者发邮件谢谢我，也祝我研究顺利，我会写出什么呢？
除了发给导师的报告，我很久没写出什么东西了，或者说越来越害怕写出什么了。怕误读文献，怕误解获得的信息，怕误导读者，怕留下被诟病的想法……还没有成为学者就有了该死的学者病。
最近发生的大事件太多了，每件都让我觉得emotionally suffering，甚至让我怀疑自己现在在做的事情的意义。
即使一遍一遍重复科普和解释，面对不愿听不愿看的人压抑的坏境，重复会需要比这更大的信念。
花很多年去完成一篇冗长的论文，最后影响力还不如写的一篇公众号文章，谁来读呢，我曾和别人戏谑地提到过这种恐惧。
我关心，可能过于关心这个议题，所以我会喋喋不休，会抱怨，会参与，会质疑自己的产出达到的效果，会一蹶不振，会想放弃。
有人说能毕业就行，有人说你也想得太伟大了，自己生活好就行了，不要当圣母。有的人开始大谈个人前景，我只好装作我也很遗憾我的未来钱途灰暗。
最近的一个场合，我没说两句话就被一个男生朋友打断，“哎呀我知道你们这种人啦，都是白左。” that's the moment I knew he would never listen.
这样的言论背后的逻辑是，只要是人肯定是为自己的利益而选择，如果你做的想的不是为自己的利益，就是圣母（xx），隐隐会让我听着一股“我懂你们这种人反正我不能理解”的主流式傲慢。
讽刺的是任何通常观念中想要自己未来过得好的都不会像我这样操作，但我也真没什么崇高的信念。这种感觉略微妙，就是反正自己的人生都这样了，为什么不注意些别的呢？为什么一定要站在一个虚无缥缈的主流角度来认定everyone cares about the same shit?
所以尤其理解为了大选，为了脱欧，为了空难，为了新闻，为了les话题被抹去而痛哭的人，为自己哭，为弱势群体哭，为社会哭，为未来哭，为历史哭，每个人都有自己的动机，不逼谁理解自己，也不强行“不理解”谁。
也羡慕只是过着自己生活说岁月静好的人们，我正在试图理解这样的生活态度而不是直接否认掉他们。
年龄，性别，族群，成长背景……我们并没有办法真正与另一个个体感同身受，所以我希望我们能做到的是能在随口说出“我懂”和“我不理解”前不断地自省和平衡。
我想大概是我作为一个“研究容器”在不断自省和平衡中有点钻牛角尖了，要有点更好的希望呀。
Another night I was again forced to talk about career choice as my family elders believed they could arrange something for me.
I remember I said something like "academia is complicated as well. There are people buying papers and bribing to get their nonsense published. I don't really want that."
Here comes my father saying "you will become them one day" with his sarcastic and judgmental tone.
It disgusted me.
