This endless hatred towards myself and towards Magnus as an association, what am I doing with myself

What am I doing to myself and my life whereas I could have had it so much better without him

without considering his needs his wants and his wishes

what am I doing without conforming to his expectantions

what am I doing conforming to someone

which is precisely what I said I will not do

I want to be myself again, be with myself again, not be afraid of journallin again, be with myself front and center again and center all of the universe around me

I want to be without him again, I want to be with myself front and center again and seeing myself in this full embodiment of liight, I want to be with him only when he wants to and when I feel comfortable in again, I want to be with myself front and center again without anyone or anything happening to me again

and I can feel so much more, so much more clearly after I journal, it is so incredible

I can feel myslef again, my fingers, the key board, the environemnt that I am interacting with, hte particularities I am interacting with, it is like thw orld beocmes a much clearer place after I start writing out my thought,s it is almost as if I was drowning in my own thoughts before and didn't have a clean way out that will keep it there permanently, talking to my loved one is seeking permanence whereas it could be done so much quicker and so much better here, just journalling and writing down my thoughts and what is happening around me.

I hate myself for going to krakow, but I just don't think it is the right time for me to undertake such a trip, but I did promise and I think honestly that was just the best time for me to go now without hestiation, because I do love this girl and everything about her, I am just not too sure whether my brain will handle all of these new experiences and challenges again when it is already so fraught with problems on its own and had so much to go through and process through and take in and heal from previous traumas.

healing from previous traumas did help me to becoem a better person adn see my own role and own downfull and become significantly more honest with myself and all of my surroundings around me and ask myself is this working or not, and if this is not working how could I sit still and not change and just feel awful

sometimes I have the tendency not to act because I know my will is liited and there will be consequences, but honestly the prices of not acting is so much igher and so much more detrimental to my own mental health than I have imagined, and nothing else is more important to my mental health. I just need to do it without repraisal or reprihensio nand track it down, without fearing the consequences.

Kinds,

sofia