The IT Crowd s02e01 Episode Script
The work outing
[Daytime Interior, Office]
Roy: I've just won 450 grand playing poker! Well done! I saw that one coming, Mickey73! That's my rent sorted this month! And I can buy that new Oh, no, I've lost it all again
Jen: Philip! Hello, hi. This is Philip, from sixth. This is Moss, this is Roy.
Moss: Hi.
Roy: Hiya.
Jen: So, what brings you to my lair? Not that I'm some sort of animal! Or maybe I am
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear!
Philip: I was just wondering if you had the latest Heat?
Jen: Yes, yes. There it is.
Philip: Thanks.
Sorry about this. I don't suppose, maybe you'd like to come to theatre tomorrow night, maybe, or Moss: I'd be delighted!
Jen: He means me, Moss.
Moss: He was looking at me.
Jen: No, he wasn't.
Moss: I think he was! You're not even in his eye line! Philip, who were you talking to? Me or Jen? Philip: Do you like the theatre?
Moss: Never been! But I've always liked the idea of the theatre. The smell of the grease, the roar of the paint! I've often thought if I hadn't ended up in computers, I would've gone into the theatre.
Philip: But you've never been to see a play?
Moss: No.
Philip: Why not?
Moss: Never had the interest.
Roy: Are there any famous people in it?
Philip: No.
Roy: It's a pass for me then, thank you.
Jen: You haven't been invited anyways.
Philip: Wait Laura Nightly's in it.
Roy: Laura Nightly from The Build?
Jen: There's no invitation! Show me the invitation!
Philip: I guess you guys could come too if you wanted. I know people in the show, tickets won't be a problem.
Roy: Great! That's settled then.
Philip: Great! I will give you a call and then give you the details. How's that?
Roy: That is perfect in itself, Philip! Thanks for coming down, man!
Moss: Catch you later!
Jen: That could have been a date, there Now, it's a work outing!
Philip: Sorry! I forgot the Heat!
Roy: He actually did want to borrow the copy of Heat.
Jen: So?
Roy: Well, it's just you know…
Jen: No, I don't. What?
Roy: I'm just surprised.
Jen: Why?
Roy: It's just I don't know many heterosexual men who read Heat.
Jen: What? He's gay just because he reads Heat magazine?
Roy: Well, he's either gay or a woman in her early twenties.
Jen: Why else would he ask me out on a date?
Roy: Are you sure he meant it as a date "date"? Are you sure you're not going along as his gal pal? Moss: If you're talking about who I think you're talking about, then the answer is yes, he is gay.
Jen: How do you know?
Moss: Everyone knows. And once more, he's been gay, since Wham.
Roy: We were talking about Philip! He borrowed Heat.
Moss: He borrowed Heat? And he knows people in the theatre.
Jen: That's not a euphemism. He actually does know people in the theatre. Anyway, it's a date. I'm sure it is. Why else would he ask me out?
Moss: Well, don't take this the wrong way, but could he have thought you were a man?
Roy: Let's get a taxi.
Jen: It's a ten minute walk.
Roy: No. I don't like walking.
Jen: Why do you just not come, then you wouldn't have to walk anywhere?
Roy: I won't spoil your romantic evening with the gay man.
Jen: He's not a gay man!
Roy: He reads Heat!
Richmond: Hey, where are you lot off to?
Moss: Look! Richmond's still alive!
Jen: We're going to the theatre. Do you wanna come?
Richmond: No, thanks. And you shouldn't go either.
Roy: Why not?
Richmond: A new wind is blowing! Last night, I was stood from my slumber by a crow calling three times. Well, you know what a crow sounds like. Passing to my window, I trod on a piece of Lego. Oh, it went right in the heel! Turning on my television set, I noticed the reception wasn't great. Not terrible, just not great. Hear me well! No good can come of your trip to the theatre tonight! No good at all! And if you ask me That's just bloody rude! Where is my Heat?
[Night Interior, Theater]
Jen: A gay musical, called "Gay". That's quite gay.
Roy: Gay musical? Aren't all musicals gay? This must be like the gayest musical ever made!
Jen: It's got some pretty good reviews!
Roy: "The story of a young man trying to find his sexuality in the uncaring Thatcher years." "Warning. Includes scenes of graphic homo eroticism."
Moss: Oh, no! It's set in the 80's!
Roy: Graphic homo eroticism? Are they gonna get them out?
Jen: You're not comfortable with your sexuality?
Roy: I'm comfortable with my sexuality. I just don't wanna be slapped in the face with their sexuality.
Jen: Look! There is Philip! Look! He's leching at that lady! Thank God for that! He's just an ordinary ignored man!
Philip: Hey! You're already here!
Moss: What are we doing, Roy? This isn't us. It takes place in the past!
Roy: Forget the play. Philip knows the cast! It's all about the backstage party afterwards. Those things are great. You go to them telling they were brilliant and it's free wine all night. Besides, I really wanna meet Laura Nightly.
Philip: Hey there, guys! It's great, isn't it? Great. We should really pick up our tickets.
Jerome: I know someone who gets the tickle! Sorry, I love doing that to him!
Philip: This is Jerome. He does publicity for the show. He got us our tickets.
Roy: Great, thanks.
Philip: This is Jen, and Moss and Roy.
Jerome: How is it going? My God, you're Irish! I love Irish people! They're just mad, aren't they? They're just mad!
Roy: We're all insane, yeah.
Jerome: (mimicking Irish accent)You'll love this! It's great crack! I'm mad for crack! Quick everyone! The show's about to start!
[Night Interior, Auditorium]
Roy: I hope Laura Nightly isn't gonna be dressed up like toyer or something.
Moss: Who is she in The Build again?
Roy: She plays that heroin addict
Moss: Who gets stabbed in the face? She is lovely.
Roy: Isn't she lovely? Oh God, here we go.
Jen: It might be alright. How bad can it be?
Performer: Welcome to the United Queendom!
Philip: Brilliant!
Moss: United Queendom! He can't say that, can he?
Performer: I'm a friend of Dorothy! I'm a friend of Dorothy! She is my friend!
Roy: This is insanely brilliant!
Performer: Hold my hand No, that's not my hand!
Performer: I love willies!
Roy: Okay, I'm completely satisfied!
Jen: Don't leave! It's rude!
Roy: It's too gay for me. I thought I could handle it, but I can't.
Jen: There'll be the interval soon.
Moss: I'm captivated, Roy.
Jen: Calm down. At least, it can't get any worse.
Performer: All right, get them houselights up and let's have a look at you! Are you wearing that shirt for a bet? Roy: Audience participation! Go, go!
Performer: What have we - here!
Moss: Hello!
Performer: Tell me! Who wears the trousers in this relationship?
Moss: What? Oh, no. We're not homosexuals. We're just very good friends.
Performer: So, you never had a look?
Moss: At what?
Performer: His bum!
Moss: I've seen it, when he thrusts it in front of my desk, or, should he bend over to pick something up.
Performer: I'd love to work in that office.
Moss: There's nothing sexual going on. I do like Roy, but I'm not "curious".
[Night Interior, Theater]
Roy: What were you engaging him for?
Moss: He was asking me questions, I couldn't just ignore him. It's a bit rude, Roy.
Roy: So what do you think of it?
Moss: I think it's fabulous. Every value I've ever held is being questioned, and I'm loving it.
Roy: You don't like it, do you?
Jen: The songs are good.
Roy: No, they're not! Hum one of the songs.
Jen: Willies, willies! I like willies!
Roy: It's "I love willies".
Jen: What?
Roy: (raising his voice) I love willies!
Bartender: Sir, could you keep it down?
Roy: I'm not going back in there!
Jen: Oh yes, you are!
Roy: No. I'll wait out here for you, but there's no way I'm going anywhere near that thing.
Jen: You can't leave me alone in there. I don't know what the hell is going on! He's laughing like an idiot at every single gay reference!
Roy: Why didn't he come off for a drink?
Jen: He doesn't wanna miss anything!
Moss: I need to wee wee.
Roy: Yeah, me too.
Roy: What's wrong?
Moss: They've got a toilet guy.
Roy: I hate toilet guys! Let's just get over with.
Moss: Thank you.
Roy: Cheers, dude.
Roy: Did you go?
Moss: No. Did you?
Roy: No! How could I? Bloke stood looking at us! What was that? It's not my fault he works in a toilet!
Moss: How much did you give him?
Roy: A pound. I just paid a pound not to go to the toilet.
Moss: He's a terrible toilet guy! He should work where people don't want to go to the toilet.
Roy: I'll use the disabled.
Moss: You can't use the disabled!
Roy: What? Why not?
Moss: You're not disabled! You'll get in trouble!
Roy: It's not like a parking space, Moss. I think. I think it's okay, isn't it? It's okay. I'm always using the disabled.
Moss: It's illegal!
Roy: I don't think so.
(Roy accidentally pulled the cord for emergency)
Theater staff: Hello? Hello? You all right in there? Do you need help?
Roy: I'm disabled!
Theater staff: He sounds disoriented. Move back - from the door!
Roy: What? No! What are you doing?
Theater staff: Don't panic!
Theater manager: What What's happening?
Theater staff: Someone's had an accident.
Theater manager: Well, you'd better keep going then. (the door opens) My God, what happened?
Roy: I fell off the toilet.
Theater manager: Well, come on. Let's get you upright.
Roy: Thank you.
Theater manager: So, what happened?
Roy: I'm disabled.
Theater manager: How?
Roy: How what?
Theater manager: How are you disabled?
Roy: Leg disabled.
Theater manager: Wait, where's your Do you have a wheelchair? Where?
Roy: Stolen!
Theater manager: But how did they get in?
Roy: I don't know!
Theater manager: All right. It's gonna be okay. Let's get you out of here.
Theater staff: Come on. Come on. Give me a hand. There you go. There you go, there you go, mate. All right, you're all right.
- Easy, mate.
- Hold him tight that way.
Easy.
All right.
Bring him carefully!
Another theater staff: Excuse me! This is a staff toilet!
Moss: Yes I'm staff!
Roy: I really am feeling much better. You can all go, now.
Theater manager: We're not going anywhere until we've got you sorted out. Here's Paul with the wheelchair.
Roy: All right. What?
Theater manager: I keep one in the office for emergencies.
Let's get you up! Nice and carefully now.
That's it, there we go.
There we are, there.
Roy: Oh, the police!
Police officer: Is everything all right?
Roy: I'm disabled!
Police officer: So, someone stole your
Roy: My wheelchair. I'm disabled. Some lazy bastard just waltzed in there.
Police officer: Can you describe him?
Roy: It was all over so quick!
Police officer: Just tell me just what you can.
Roy: Caucasian male Bearded. Red hair. Glasses. Possibly disguised, I…
Police officer: All right, thank you. Do you need any help getting home? No, I'm fine, I'm with people.
Roy: Here they are, now! Hey, fellas! -No, I'll take it from here.
Theater manager: Nonsense. It's the least I can do.
Roy: Okay.
Theater staff: Are you slacking off in there? Go and get changed!
Police officer: Excuse me, sir. Can I have a word?
Philip: Amazing! Super powerful! That The grit of it! Five stars! So what did you think?
Jen: Of the musical?
Philip: Did you not just love it?
Jen: Well, no, sorry.
Philip: Why not?
Jen: I don't know, just Maybe, you have to be gay.
Philip: I loved it!
Jen: I guess it's more of a gay thing. You know, you have to be gay. A gay man. A homosexual.
Philip: But all I know is I loved every last second of it. And I'm not…usually a fan of musicals.
Do you want to meet the cast? Come on!
Jen: The thing is I have to meet Moss and Roy.
[Night Exterior, Road]
Theater manager: Listen, I told the cast about what happened, and they told me to get you all to come back and meet them! Come on everybody! Off the van!
[Night Interior, Theater]
Philip: Hey, James! Wow, Edgar! Hi! Brilliant! Jeremy!
Jen: How do you know all these young good looking men?
Philip: You know, just from my route.
Philip: Hey, Jerome!
Jerome: Come here, you!
Philip: Great show.
Jerome: Hello, darling! Listen, I can't talk at the moment. The disabled are coming for a chat. Here they are now.
Theater manager: He's had quite an evening. Someone stole his wheelchair.
Jen: Really? Did you see who it was?
Roy: Red bearded man.
Jen: How long have you been disabled?
Roy: Ten years.
Jen: Ten years! And how did it happen, if that's not a rude question?
Roy: Acid.
Jen: What are the chances of that happening?
Roy: A hundred to one.
Jen: You're like you could do with a drink.
Roy: Whisky Please. Double.
Jen: Excuse me?
Moss: Yes, miss? Jen: Can I have a double whisky, please?
Moss: Double whisky.
Jen: And a glass of white wine.
Moss: A glass of white wine.
Jen: Thank you.
Moss: You're very welcome, madam.
Roy: Hello, Laura Nightly.
Laura: How are you?
Roy: I'm disabled!
Laura: It must be so difficult being gay and disabled.
Roy: Very difficult.
Laura: Come here, my little soldier. (Roy's eyes become teary) What's the matter?
Roy: I don't know. You're from telly!
Laura: I am. And you know, a little birdy told me that you couldn't make the show tonight. So, I've got you two tickets for tomorrow.
Roy: Brilliant!
Laura: You're doing so well!
Roy: Yeah.
Laura: High five!
Roy: High five!
Reporter: A couple of photos?
Roy: Is he from a newspaper?
Laura: Yes, he's from The Standard.
Roy: Oh, God!
Jerome: What What's I get it! Very funny, you Irish! I'm a bit tired! Can I have a wheelchair too? Hilarious! Me legs don't work! Help, pal! I need a wheelchair! Come on, get out! Come on! Stop buzzing around, all right, Gary?
[Night Exterior, Road]
Jen: Well, I guess this is good night.
-For God sake, are you gay? Are you a gay man? Are you?
Philip: No!
Jen: That's 'Cause that's all I wanted to know. I don't mind, one way or another, you know. It's just I like being clear. I don't want any ambiguity.
Philip: What on earth made you think I was gay?
Well, you know I didn't just pull it out of the air.
Jen: You know, you just brought me to a gay musical called "Gay", You've been laughing like mad at every at every gay reference. Your friends, more of whom are gay, say hello by tickling you!
Philip: In what century are you living in? Do you think that a man has to be gay to like a gay musical? Can a straight man not have homosexual friends? And since when was tickling gay? I missed that meaning, Jen!
- Come here.
Jen: I'm sorry, I guess you astray me when you borrowed that copy of Heat.
Philip: Oh God, it's true, it's true, I'm gay! I'm a gay man! I tried to run from it tonight but I can't, I can't! Jen, what am I gonna do? I thought I could make it work between us, because you looked a bit like a man!
Jen: Taxi!
[Night Interior, Van]
A man on the wheelchair: Hello, there. I didn't see you on the way out.
Driver: All right, lads! Let's get a sing song coming! It's a long way back to Manchester!
[Night Interior, Theater]
Moss: Night, Steve.
(V. O. ): Night, Moss.
Moss: Night Melly, you be good!
(V. O. ): Mind if I can't help it.
Moss: Ah, the theatre.
