A Love Letter (2)

The essence for "this" between us, is to make sense of it at all.

“This” was not supposed to happen in the first place.

Maybe that's why we have been struggling so much at the moment. With what's happening, the hardest thing for me is to try to understand your actions so that I can have a proper closure. The business of no communication is particularly hard for me, someone who cannot keep any thoughts within. But apparently I do not have a right to push for an answer, as "this" was not supposed to happen in the first place.

What is "this"?

It all started when you first came to me to say we should work together. You asked why I didn’t tell you what I needed as you could have provided it to me.

I was very surprised. We had not had much interactions before in the two years’ time on the same floor.

So we started to work together. I was not a big fan of your style but I also didn't mind having someone following me around trying to work with me. That felt good.

Then I sold a very interesting piece of work which I completly underestimated what's required by the client and the gap of expectations. I fucked up the first piece and had a mental melt down, at 7pm one evening. You didn't like the partner of that job but seeing how much trouble I got myself into, decided to come to the rescue. We came up with a plan and I cried in front of you for the first time. I was also amazed by how efficient you were in figuring out what was required at a minimum and put things into action.

The project went ok from that point on. It was hard work, all new territories and required a lot of brain powers. At a worst point we worked till 12am on a Saturday morning and went to a dingy restaurant in Chinatown. We walked like two zombies dragging our feet across town. On the way we saw people dressed up for weekends. They were chatty and happy, faces lit up with so much youth and exuberance, no signs of self-pity. We sat down and ordered food. We talked and comforted each other. I think that's probably the day I started to like spinach as that's what you ordered.

That was the beginning of my trust in you. I had been a complete independent person before and enjoying my lonesomeness. I was in complete control of what I did and when I couldn't manage something, I just pack up and leave. I enjoyed that freedom.

But that experience had changed me. I realized that how much I needed you. How much a team could do together and what a beautiful process intellectual exchange could be. What fun it was throw building blocks at each other and construct something completely new and unseen before. The curiosity, energy and the constant challenge, that sense of being slightly on edge and also knowing that you are complete safe with each other, was unknown to me. I was thrilled, so thrilled that I had trouble sleeping. I just couldn't wait to wake up and come to work again.

And I started to think of you, even when I was not at work. The sense of longing to be together was scary and we would have so many more projects together. The intensity and strength of that feeling frightened me. So I had a proposal.

That's "this".

An intellectual pact to officially form a team to achieve something great for both of us. To rule out any physical attraction or tension from the beginning whatsoever, ‘this’ would focus purely on the intellectual side, like soulmates.

To my surprise you accepted it. I was very happy. As it showed that this feeling of enjoyment and excitment had not been just one-sided. The chemistry between us was not just my illusion.