如何成为一个更好的交谈者
Is there any 21st-century skill more important than being able to sustain coherent,confident conversation?
Unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion,childcare,food?
And How many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":Stick to the weather and your health.But these days,with climate change and anti-vaxxing,those subjects are not safe either.
this world in which every conversation,this vorld in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument,where our politicians can't speak to one another,and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it,it's not normal.
Pew research did a study of 10,000 American adults,and they found that at this moment,we are more polarized,we are more divided,than we ever have been in history.
We are less likely to compromise which means we are not listening to each other.And we make decisions about where to live,who to marry and who our friends are going to be based on what we already believe.
Again,that means we are not listening to each other.A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening.
There's this great piece in The Atlantic:
I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,things like look the person in the eye,think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,look,nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.
I want you to forget all over that.It's crap.
There is no reason to learn about how to show you're paying attention,if you are in fact paying attention.
How to interview people
How to help you learn to be better conversationalists
Learn to have a conversation
without wasting your time,without getting bored,and please God,without offending anybody.
How to talk and How to listen: 10 basic rules,going to walk you through all of them
1.Don't multitask.
do not just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand,i mean,be present,be in that moment.Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.Don't think about what you are going to have for dinner.If you want to get out of the conversation,get out of the conversation.Do not be half in it and half out of it.
2.Don't pontificate.
if you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or arguement or pushback or growth,write a blog.
Now,there's a really good reason why i do not allow pundits on my show,because they are really boring.
If they are conversative,they are going to be hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
If they are liberal,they are going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.
Totally predictable.You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.
The famed therapist M.Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.
And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.He said that sensing this acceptance,the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.
Again,assume that you have something to learn.
Bill Nye: Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.I put this way,Everybody is an expert in something.
True listening requires a setting aside of oneself.Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.Everybody is an expert in something.
3.Use open-ended questions.
In this case,take a cue from journalists.Start your questions with who,what,when,where,why or how.If you put in a complicated question,you're going to get a simple answer out.If i ask you,were you teffified?
You are going to respond to the most powerful world in that sentence,which is terrified,and the answer is Yes,I was or No,I was not.
Were you angry? Yes,I was very angry.Let them describe it.They are the ones that know.Try asking them things like,What was that like ?
How did that feel? Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,and you are going to get a much more interesting response.
4.Go with the flow.
That means thoughts will come into your mind,and you need to let them go out of your mind.We have heard interviews often in wich a guest is talking for sereval minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question.
which seems like it comes out of nowhere,or it's already been answered.That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago,because he thought of this really clever question,and he was just bound and determined to say that.
We are sitting there having a conversation with someone,and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.And we stop listening.Stories and ideas are going to come to you,you need to let them come and let them go.
5.If you don't know,say that you don't know.Talk should not be cheap.
Now, people on the radio,especially on NPR,are much more aware that they are going on the record.and so they are more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure.Do that.Err on the side of caution.
Talk should not be cheap.
6.Don't equate your experience with theirs.
If they're talking about having lost a family member,don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.
If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,do not tell them about how much you hate your job.
It is not same.It is never the same.All experiences are individual.And,more importantly,it is not about you.
You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you're suffered.
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was,and he said,I have no idea,people who brag about their IQs are losers.
Conversations are not a promotional apportunity.
7.Try not to repeat yourself.
It is condescending,and it is really boring.And we tend to do it a lot.Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,
we have a point to make,so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Do not do that.
8.Stay out of the weeds.
Frankly,people don't care about the years,the names,the dates,that you are struggling to come up with in your mind.
They don't care.What they care about is you.They care about what you are like.What you have in common.So forget the details.
Leave them out.
9.Listen.
The number one most important skill that you could develop.Buddha said,and i'm paraphrasing,if your month is open,you are not learning.
And Calvin Coolidge said,No man ever listened his way out of a job.
Number one,we would rather talk.When i talking,i am in the control.I do not have to hear anything i am not interested in.
I am the center of attention.I can bolster my own identity.But there is another reason,we get distracted
The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.
And look,i know,it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone.
but if you can not do that,you are not in a conversation.You are just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully,Most of us do not listen with the intent to understand.We listen with the intent to reply.
10.Be brief.
A good conversation is like a miniskirt,short enough to retain interest,but long enough to cover the subject.
All of this boils down to the same basic concept,and it is this one, be interested in other people.
Everyone has some hidden.amazing thing about them.I keep my mouth shut as often as i posssibly can,
i keep my mind open,and i am always prepared to be amazed,and i never disappointed.Go out,talk to people.Listen to people,and most importantly,be prepared to be amazing.
ref https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation
Unfriended someone on Facebook because they said something offensive about politics or religion,childcare,food?
And How many of you know at least one person that you avoid because you just don't want to talk to them?
Henry Higgins in "My Fair Lady":Stick to the weather and your health.But these days,with climate change and anti-vaxxing,those subjects are not safe either.
this world in which every conversation,this vorld in which every conversation has the potential to devolve into an argument,where our politicians can't speak to one another,and where even the most trivial of issues have someone fighting both passionately for it and against it,it's not normal.
Pew research did a study of 10,000 American adults,and they found that at this moment,we are more polarized,we are more divided,than we ever have been in history.
We are less likely to compromise which means we are not listening to each other.And we make decisions about where to live,who to marry and who our friends are going to be based on what we already believe.
Again,that means we are not listening to each other.A conversation requires a balance between talking and listening.
There's this great piece in The Atlantic:
I came to realize that conversational competence might be the single most overlooked skill we fail to teach.
Kids spend hours each day engaging with ideas and each other through screens,but rarely do they have an opportunity to hone their interpersonal communications skills.
Many of you have already heard a lot of advice on this,things like look the person in the eye,think of interesting topics to discuss in advance,look,nod and smile to show that you're paying attention,repeat back what you just heard or summarize it.
I want you to forget all over that.It's crap.
There is no reason to learn about how to show you're paying attention,if you are in fact paying attention.
How to interview people
How to help you learn to be better conversationalists
Learn to have a conversation
without wasting your time,without getting bored,and please God,without offending anybody.
How to talk and How to listen: 10 basic rules,going to walk you through all of them
1.Don't multitask.
do not just set down your cell phone or your tablet or your car keys or whatever is in your hand,i mean,be present,be in that moment.Don't think about your argument you had with your boss.Don't think about what you are going to have for dinner.If you want to get out of the conversation,get out of the conversation.Do not be half in it and half out of it.
2.Don't pontificate.
if you want to state your opinion without any opportunity for response or arguement or pushback or growth,write a blog.
Now,there's a really good reason why i do not allow pundits on my show,because they are really boring.
If they are conversative,they are going to be hate Obama and food stamps and abortion.
If they are liberal,they are going to hate big banks and oil corporations and Dick Cheney.
Totally predictable.You need to enter every conversation assuming that you have something to learn.
The famed therapist M.Scott Peck said that true listening requires a setting aside of oneself.
And sometimes that means setting aside your personal opinion.He said that sensing this acceptance,the speaker will become less and less vulnerable and more and more likely to open up the inner recesses of his or her mind to the listener.
Again,assume that you have something to learn.
Bill Nye: Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.I put this way,Everybody is an expert in something.
True listening requires a setting aside of oneself.Everyone you will ever meet knows something that you don't.Everybody is an expert in something.
3.Use open-ended questions.
In this case,take a cue from journalists.Start your questions with who,what,when,where,why or how.If you put in a complicated question,you're going to get a simple answer out.If i ask you,were you teffified?
You are going to respond to the most powerful world in that sentence,which is terrified,and the answer is Yes,I was or No,I was not.
Were you angry? Yes,I was very angry.Let them describe it.They are the ones that know.Try asking them things like,What was that like ?
How did that feel? Because then they might have to stop for a moment and think about it,and you are going to get a much more interesting response.
4.Go with the flow.
That means thoughts will come into your mind,and you need to let them go out of your mind.We have heard interviews often in wich a guest is talking for sereval minutes and then the host comes back in and asks a question.
which seems like it comes out of nowhere,or it's already been answered.That means the host probably stopped listening two minutes ago,because he thought of this really clever question,and he was just bound and determined to say that.
We are sitting there having a conversation with someone,and then we remember that time that we met Hugh Jackman in a coffee shop.And we stop listening.Stories and ideas are going to come to you,you need to let them come and let them go.
5.If you don't know,say that you don't know.Talk should not be cheap.
Now, people on the radio,especially on NPR,are much more aware that they are going on the record.and so they are more careful about what they claim to be an expert in and what they claim to know for sure.Do that.Err on the side of caution.
Talk should not be cheap.
6.Don't equate your experience with theirs.
If they're talking about having lost a family member,don't start talking about the time you lost a family member.
If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work,do not tell them about how much you hate your job.
It is not same.It is never the same.All experiences are individual.And,more importantly,it is not about you.
You don't need to take that moment to prove how amazing you are or how much you're suffered.
Somebody asked Stephen Hawking once what his IQ was,and he said,I have no idea,people who brag about their IQs are losers.
Conversations are not a promotional apportunity.
7.Try not to repeat yourself.
It is condescending,and it is really boring.And we tend to do it a lot.Especially in work conversations or in conversations with our kids,
we have a point to make,so we just keep rephrasing it over and over.Do not do that.
8.Stay out of the weeds.
Frankly,people don't care about the years,the names,the dates,that you are struggling to come up with in your mind.
They don't care.What they care about is you.They care about what you are like.What you have in common.So forget the details.
Leave them out.
9.Listen.
The number one most important skill that you could develop.Buddha said,and i'm paraphrasing,if your month is open,you are not learning.
And Calvin Coolidge said,No man ever listened his way out of a job.
Number one,we would rather talk.When i talking,i am in the control.I do not have to hear anything i am not interested in.
I am the center of attention.I can bolster my own identity.But there is another reason,we get distracted
The average person talks at about 225 word per minute,but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.So our minds are filling in those other 275 words.
And look,i know,it takes effort and energy to actually pay attention to someone.
but if you can not do that,you are not in a conversation.You are just two people shouting out barely related sentences in the same place.
Stephen Covey said it very beautifully,Most of us do not listen with the intent to understand.We listen with the intent to reply.
10.Be brief.
A good conversation is like a miniskirt,short enough to retain interest,but long enough to cover the subject.
All of this boils down to the same basic concept,and it is this one, be interested in other people.
Everyone has some hidden.amazing thing about them.I keep my mouth shut as often as i posssibly can,
i keep my mind open,and i am always prepared to be amazed,and i never disappointed.Go out,talk to people.Listen to people,and most importantly,be prepared to be amazing.
ref https://www.ted.com/talks/celeste_headlee_10_ways_to_have_a_better_conversation
