哈哈哈新闻合集

There are regular flashes of humour (while discussing the shocked stares of strangers who don’t expect wheelchair users ever to stand, Cobb and Grant exclaim sarcastically: “It’s a miracle!”) and shared frustrations: from similar battles with the social security system to discovering each had encountered prospective employers who, upon seeing their disability, turned them down for a job.

brunch

Particularly avocado on toast – commonly known as “millennial crack” . Just don’t eat, basically, or, if you get hungry, eat one of your 25 flatmates. Ideally though, you will waste away thus precluding your need for housing at all. Problem solved. (so fucking hilarious, no wonder it is writen by British people, sarcastic poionous words).

Going out

Ever. What do you mean you need alcohol and human interaction lest you become a lonely husk of a person whose only focus is their crappy job? So what if the only communal area in your flat is a galley kitchen that renders it necessary to eat your dinner from your lap as you sit on the edge of your bed? There is absolutely no excuse for socialising outside your house under any circumstances whatsoever. Speaking of which …(hhhhhhaaaa!!!!!)

Pets

Pointless parasites which, while they may help assuage your mounting sense of misery and social dislocation, will only divert crucial funds from your One True Purpose and have a positive impact on your mental health, thus tempting you out of the house and making you more likely to indulge in other forbidden luxuries.

showing

Wastes crucial hot water, and now that you have no friends, you’ve no one to impress. If you really must, a communal bath with your housemates in several inches of cold water will suffice.

parents

Well, they can’t give you the £29k needed for your deposit, and they refuse to die, leaving you any sort of inheritance, so are essentially worthless and need to be replaced with better, richer parents who actually care about your wellbeing, rather than the poverty-stricken, selfish clowns with whom you are saddled.

65 years later...

“Congratulations, having succeeded in eliminating all needless expense while moonlighting as a drug dealer on the side, you have finally succeeded in saving up a deposit. Unfortunately, UK house prices have now risen to an average of £1.5m so we currently have nothing available within your budget.”