GONE GIRL-2

NICK DUNNE

THE DAY OF

I swung摇摆 wide the door of my bar, slipped into the darkness,and took my first real deep breath of the day, took in the smell of cigarettes and beer, the spice香料 of a dribbled流口水的 bourbon, the tang强烈的气味of old pop-corn.There was only one customer in the bar,sitting by herself at the far,far end: an older woman named Sue who had come in every Thursday with her husband untill he died three months back. Now she came alone every Thursday,never much for conversation,just sitting with a beer and a crossword,preserving保留 a ritual仪式（这个词应该很有用）.

My sister was at work behind the bar,her hair pulled back in nerdy书呆子式的-girl barrettes巴雷特,her arms pink as she dipped the beer glasses in and out of hot suds泡沫.Go is slender 细长的and strange-faced, which is not to say unattractive. Her features just take a moment to make sense: the broad jaw;the pinched短的,pretty nose;the dark globe eyes. if this were a period movie,a man would tilt 翘起back his fedora软呢帽,whistle 吹口哨at the sight of her, and say,"Now,there's a helluva很大的 broad!' The face of a '30s screwball曲线球 movie queen doesn't always translate in our pixie小精灵-princess times,but I know from our years together that men like my sister, a lot,which puts me in that strange brotherly realm领域，王国 of being both proud and wary机警的

"Do they still make pimento西班牙干椒 loaf面包?" she said by way of greeting,not looking up,just knowing it was me,and I felt the relief I usually felt when I saw her: Things might not be great,but things would be okay.

My twin, Go. I've said this phrase so many times,it has become a reassuring安慰的 mantra咒语 instead of actual words: Mytwingo. We were born in the '70s,back when twins were rare, a bit magical:cousins of the unicorn独角兽,siblings兄弟姐妹 of the elves爱恶作剧的孩子. We even have a dash冲撞 of twin telepathy心灵感应. Go is truly the one person in the entire world I am totally myself with. I don't feel the need to explain my actions to her. I don't clarify, I don't doubt, I don't worry. I don't tell her everything,not anymore,but I tell her more than anyone else,by far. I tell her as much as I can. We spent nine months back to back,covering each other. It became a lifelong habit. It never mattered to me that she was a girl, strange for a deeply self-conscious kid. What can I say? She was always just cool.

"Pimento loaf,that's like lunch meat,right? I think they do."

"We should get home," she said. She arched完成拱形 an eyebrow at me. "I'm intrigued被迷住了."

Without asking,she poured 泼 me a draft生啤的生 of PBR into a mug圆形大杯 of questionable cleanliness. When she caught me staring at the smudged弄脏的 rim边缘,she brought the glass up to her mouth and licked舔 the smudge away,leaving a smear 无电of saliva唾液. She set the mug squarely in front of me."Better,my prince?"

Go firmly believes that I got the best of everything from our parents,that I was the boy they planned on,the single child they could afford,and that she sneaked into this world by clamping onto my ankle,an unwanted stranger.(For my dad,a particularly unwanted stranger.) She believes she was left to fend for herself throughout childhood, a pitiful creature of random hand-me-downs and forgotten permission slips,tightened budgets and general regret. This vision could be somewhat true; I can barely stand to admit it.

"yes,my squalid肮脏的 little serf农奴," I said,and fluttered拍 my hands in royal国王的 dispensation分配.

I huddled 挤成一团over my beer. I needed to sit and drink a beer or three. My nerves神经紧张 were still singing from the morning.

"What's up with you?" she asked. "You look all twitchy焦躁不安，抽动鼻子." She flicked 轻放some suds 泡沫at me, more water than soap. The air-conditioning kicked on,ruffling吹乱 the tops of our heads. We spent more time in The bar than we needed to. It had become the childhood clubhouse we never had.We'd busted爆破 open the storage boxes in our mother's basement one drunken酒后 night last year,back when she was alive but right near the end,when we were in need of comfort,and we revisited the toys and games with much oohing and ahhing between sips吮吸 of canned beer.Christmas in August. After Mom died,Go moved into our old house,and we slowly relocated our toys,piecemea一件一件地l,to The Bar: a strawberry Shortcake doll,now scentless无气味的,pops up on a stool 凳子one day(my gift to Go). A tiny Hot Wheels E1 Camino,one wheel missing,appears on a shelf in the corner(Go's to me).

We were thinking of introducing a board game night,even though most of our customers were too old to be nostalgic 怀旧（常用词，要记住啊）for our Hungry Hungry Hoppos,our Game of Life with its tiny plastic cars to be filled with tiny plastic pinhead大头针头 spouses配偶 and tiny plastic pinhead babies. I couldn't remember how you won.(Deep Hasbro孩之宝公司？ thought for the day.)

Go refilled my beer, refilled her beer. Her left eyelid眼lian drooped使下垂 slightly. It was exactly noon,12:00,and I wondered how long she'd been drinking.She's had a bumpy 波动的，颠簸的decade. My speculative投机主义的 sister, she of the rocket-science复杂的事 brain and the rodeo竞技 spirit,dropped out退学 of college and moved to Manhattan in the late '90s.She was one of the original dotcom互联网 phenoms杰出人才-made crazy money for two years,then took the Internet bubble泡沫 bath in 2000.Go remained unflappable 不易惊慌. She was closer to twenty than thirty;she was fine. For act two,she got her degree and joined the gray-suited 高级灰？world of investment banking.She was midlevel,nothing flashy 招摇,nothing blameful应受责备,but she lost her job-fast-with the 2008 financial meltdown彻底垮台.I didn't even know she'd left New York until she phoned me from Mom's house: I give up. I begged her,cajoled 劝诱her to return,hearing nothing but peeved恼火的 silence on the other end. After I hung up, I made an anxious pilgrimage 朝圣to her appartment in the Bowery and saw Gary,her beloved ficus无花果 tree,yellow-dead on the fire escape,and knew she'd never come back.

The bar seemed to cheer her up. She handled the books,she poured the beers. She stole from the tip jar semi-regularly,but then she did more work than me. We never talked about our old lives. We were Dunnes,and we were done,and strangely content about it.

"So, what?" Go said,her usual way of begining a conversation.

"Eh."

"Eh,what?Eh,bad?You look bad."

I shrugged耸肩 a yes;she scanned my face.

"Amy?she asked.It was an easy question. I shrugged again-a confirmation this time, a what-cha gonna do?shrug.

Go have me her amused 消遣的face,both elbows肘部 on the bar,hands cradling撑着，抱着 chin下巴,hunkering down专注于 for an incisive 尖锐的dissection 解剖of my marriage. Go, an expert panel 仪表盘of one."What about her?"

“Bad day. It's just a bad day."

"Don't let her worry you." Go lit a cigarette. She smoked exactly one day. "Women are crazy." Go didn't consider herself part of the general category of women, a word she used derisively嘲弄地.

I blew Go's smoke back to its owner. "It's our anniversary today. Five years."

"Wow." My sister cocked公鸡，做动词为使某物歪斜 her head back.she'd been a bridemaid伴娘,all in violet紫罗兰-"the gorgeous,raven乌黑的 haired,amethyst紫水晶-draped打褶的 dame夫人（爵士夫人）." Amy's mother had dubbed her-but anniversaries weren't something she'd remember."Jeez.老天呀Fuck.Dude.That came fast."She blew more smoke toward me, a lazy game of cancer catch. "She going to do one of her,uh,what do you call it, not scavenger食腐动物，清道夫，拾荒者 hunt-"

"Treasure hunt," I said.

My wife loved games,mostly mind games,but also actual games of amusement,and for our anniversary she always set up an elaborate 精心设计的treasure hunt,with each clue leading to the hiding place of the next clue until I reached the end,and my present.It was what her dad always did for her mom on their anniversary, and don't think I don't see the gender roles here,that I don't get the hint. But I did not grow up in Amy's household一家人, I grew up in mine,and the last present I remember my dad giving my mom was an iron熨斗,set on the kitchen counter,no wrapping paper.包装纸

"Should we make a wager赌注 on how pissed小便 she's going to get at you this year?" Go asked,smiling over the rim 边缘of her beer.

The problem with Amy's treasure hunts: I never figured out the clues. Our first anniversary,back in New York,I went two for seven. That was my best year. The opening parley会谈:

This place is a bit of a hole in the wall,

But we had a great kiss there one Tuesday last fall.

Ever been in a spelling bee as a kid? That snowy second after the announcement of the word as you sift 筛选your brain to see if you can spell it?It was like that,the blank panic.

“An Irish爱尔兰 bar in a not-so Irish place," Amy nudged用肘轻推.

I bit （bite的过去式，咬）the side of my lip,started a shrug,scanning our living room as if the answer might appear. She gave me another very long minute.

"We were lost in the rain," she said in a voice that was pleading向。。。申诉 on the way to peeved恼怒的.

I finished the shrug.

"McMann's,Nick. Remember,when we got lost in the rain in Chinatown trying to find that dim 昏暗的sum place,and it was supposed to be near the statue of Confucius but it turns out there are two statues雕塑 of Confucius孔子,and we ended up at that random Irish bar all soaking浸透 wet,and we slammed怦然关闭？ a few whiskeys威士忌,and you grabbed me and kissed me,and it was-"

"Right! You should have done a clue with Confucius,I would have gotten that."

"The statue wasn't the point. The place was the point.The moment. I just thought it was special." She said these last words in a childish lilt 轻快活泼的语调that I once found fetching捡，吸引.

“It was special." I pulled her to me and kissed her."That smooch 接吻right there was my special anniversary reenactment扮演. Let's go do it again at McMann's."

At McMann's,the bartender酒吧男招待,a big,bearded留胡须的 bear-kid,saw us come in and grinned露齿而笑,poured us both whiskeys,and pushed over the next clue.

When I'm down and feeling blue

There's only one place that will do.

That one turned out to be the Alice in Wonder-land statue at Central Park,which Amy had tole me-she'd tole me,she knew she'd told me many times-lighted her moods as a child. I do not remember any of those conversations. I'm being honest here,I just don't. I have a dash of ADD,and I've always found my wife a bit duzzling,in the purest sense of the word:to lose clear vision,especially from looking at bright light. It was enough to be near her and her talk,it didn't always matter what she was saying. It should have,but it didn't.

By the time we got to the end of the day,to exchanging our actual presents-the traditional paper presents for the first year of marriage-Amy was not speaking to me.

"I love you,Amy. You know I love you." I said,tailing her in and out of the family packs of dazed 茫然的tourists parked in the middle of the sidewalk,obvious and openmouthed. Amy was slipping through the Central Park crowds, maneuvering操作演习 between laser eyed joggers and scissor（剪刀啊尼玛，怎么老是记不住）-legged skaters,kneeling parents and toddlers careering like drunks,always just ahead of me,tight-lipped,hurrying nowhere. Me trying to catch up,grab her arm. She stopped finally,gave me a face unmoved as I explained myself,one mental finger tampling down my exasperation恼怒:"Amy,I don't get why I need to prove my love to you by remembering the exact same things you do, the exact same way you do. It doesn't mean I don't love our life together."

A nearby clown小丑 blew up炸掉 a ballon animal,a man bought a rose,a child licked an ice cream cone圆锥体,and a geniune tradition was born,one I'd never forget: Amy always going overboard（go overboard，热情过头）,me never,ever worthy of the effort. Happy anniversary,asshole.

"I'm guessing-five years-she's going to get really pissed," Go continued. "So I hope you got her a really good present."

"On the to-do list."

"What's the,like,symbol,for five years? Paper?"

"Paper is first year," I said. At the end of Year One's unexpectedly wrenching悲伤，扭伤 treasure hunt,Amy presented me with a set of posh漂亮的，时髦的 stationery,my initials embossed浮雕，凸纹 at the top,the paper so creamy乳脂状的 I expected my fingers to come away moist潮湿的.In return,I'd presented my wife with a bright red dime-store(硬币商店） paper kite,picturing the park,picnics,warm summer gusts一阵狂风. Neither of us liked our presents;we'd each have preferred the other's. It was a reverse（颠倒，钱币的反面） O. Henry.

“Silver？” guessed Go. "Pronze浆纸化工艺? Scrimshaw(雕刻贝壳）? Help me out."

”Wood," I said,"There's no romantic present for wood."

At the other end of the bar,Sue neatly folded her newspaper and left it on the bartop with her empty mug脸（俚） and a five-dollar bill. We all exchaned silent smiles as she walked out.

"I got it," Go said, "Go home,fuck her brains out,the smack her with your penis and scream,"There's some wood for you,bitch!"(他妹妹也很bitch，fuck）

We laughed. Then we both flushed pink in our cheeks in the same spot. It was the kind of raunchy淫秽的, unsisterly不像姐妹的 joke that Go enjoyed tossing at投掷 me like a grenade手榴弹. It was also the reason why, in high school,there were always rumors that we secretly screwed原意是螺丝拧在一起，意为乱搞吧.Twincest.We were too tight:our inside jokes,our edge-of-the-party whispers. I'm pretty sure I don't need to say this,but you are not Go,you might misconstrue误解,so I will: My sister and I have never screwed or even thought of screwing. We just really like each other.

Go was now pantomiming 表演夸张dick-slapping先理解为诋毁吧，也许俚语 my wife.

No, Amy and Go were never going to be friends. They were each too territorial.Go was used to being the alpha girl in my life, Amy was used to being the alpha girl in everyone's life. For two pepole who lived in the same city-the same city twice:first New York,now here-they barely knew each other. They flitted in and out of my life like well-timed stage actors,one going out the door as the other came in,and on the rare occasions whey they both inhabited the same room,they seemed somewhat bemused使茫然，使困惑 at the situation.

Before Amy and I got serious,got engaged,got married,I would get glimpses of Go's thoughts in a sentence here or there. It's funny,I can't quite get a bead 珠子在这里意为？ on her,like who she really is. And: You just seem kind of not yourself with her. And: There's a difference between really loving someone and loving the idea of her.And finally:The important thing is she makes you really happy.

Back when Amy made me really happy.

Amy offered her own notions of Go:She's very...Missouri,isn't she?And:You just have to be in the right mood for her.And: She's a little needy贫穷的 about you,but then I guess she doesn't have anyone else.

I'd hoped when we all wound up back in Missouri,the two would let it drop-agree to disagree,free to be you and me.Neither did. Go was funnier than Amy,though,so it was a mismatched battle. Amy was clever,withering令人难堪的,sarcastic讽刺的.Amy could get me riled up,could make an excellent,barbed 尖刻的point,but Go always made me laugh.It is dangerous to laugh at your spouse.（媳妇儿跟妹妹能比吗，fuck男主个bitch）

"Go, I thought we agreed you'd never mention my genitalia生殖器 again." I said. "That within the bounds of our sibling 兄弟姐们relationship,I have no genitalia."

The phone rang. Go took one more tip of her beer and answered,gave an eyeroll and a smile."He sure is here,one moment,please!" To me,she mouthed:"Carl."

Carl Pelley lived across the street from me and Amy. Retired three years. Divorced two years. Moved into our development right after. He'd been a traveling salesman-children's party suppliers-and I sensed that after four decades of motel living,he wasn't quite at home being home. He showed up at the bar nearly every day with a pungent 有刺鼻气味的 Hardee's bag,complaining about his budget until he was offered a first drink on the house. (This was another thing I learned about Carl from his days in The Bar-that he was a functioning but serious alcoholic.)He had the good grace to accept whatever we were "trying to get rid of ," and he meant it: For one full month Carl drank nothing but dusty Zimas,circa 1992,that we'd discovered in the basememt. When a hangover kept Carl home,he'd find a reason to call:Your mailbox looks fully full today,Nicky,maybe a package came. Or:It's supposed to rain,you might want to close your window. The reasons were bogus 假的. Carl just needed to hear the clink of glasses,the glug大口喝，口语 of a drinking being poured.

I picked up the phone,shaking a tumbler玻璃酒杯 of ice near the receiver so Carl could imagine his gin杜松子酒.

“Hey, Nicky." Carl's watery 充分水分的，这形容。。。voice came over,"Sprry to bother you. I just thought you should know...your door is wide open,and that cat of yours is outside.It isn't supposed to be,right?"

I gave a noncommittal含糊的lgrunt咕噜声.

"I'd go over and check,but I'm a little under the weather,(under the weather,身体不适）" Carl said heavily.

"Don't worry," I said. "It's time for me to go home anyway."

It was a fifteen-minute drive,straight north along River Road. Driving into our development occasionally makes me shiver颤抖，真尼玛夸张啊,the sheer陡峭的 number of gaping多洞穴的 dark houses-homes that have never known inhabitants,or homes that have known owners and see them ejected驱逐，要区分于elect选举,the house standing triumphantly 兴高采烈地voided空的，无效的,humanless.

When Amy and I moved in,our only neighbors descended在这里是低于？ on us: one middle-aged single mom of three, bearing a casserole砂锅菜; a young father of triplets三胞胎 with a six-pack of beer(his wife left at home with the triplets); and older Christian couple who lived a few houses down;and of course, Carl cross from the street.We sat out on our back deck 甲板and watched the river,and they all talked ruefully可怜地 about ARMs,and zero percent interest,and zero money down,and then they all remarked know only ones without children,"Just the two of you?In this whole big house?"the single mom asked,doling 救济out a scrambled争夺，炒？在这里的意思不敢肯定-egg something.

"Just the two of us." I confirmed with a smile,and nodded in appreciation as I took a mouthful of wobbly egg.

"Seems lonely."

On that she was right.

Four months later, the whole big house lady lost her mortgage battle and disappeared in the night with her three kids. Her house has remained empty. The living-room window still has a child's picture of a butterfly taped带子，捆起来 to it, the bright Magic Marker sun-faded to brown.One evening not long ago, I drove past and saw a man,bearded,bedraggled,肮脏的staring out from behind the picture,floating in the dark like some sad aquarium养鱼缸 fish.