留美必读：《不负少年强》英文版 之 Making Friends

Before I began going to school at Fessenden, making friends was never a problem. Being the “king of the children” back home, I had never realized how hard making friends could possibly be.

I was a trickster back in the seventh grade. I liked to joke around with people, even physically sometimes. Besides that, I also liked to show my friendliness physically. I would put my arm around my friend's shoulders as a sign of brotherhood. However, due to a lack of understanding, people perceived my actions as annoying and weird. I didn't understand the importance of personal space back then. The contemptuous glares from my classmates forced me to restrain myself from physical interaction very quickly.

However, I still couldn’t make any close friends. I did not have people to hang out with daily. Even students from my own ethnic group shunned me. I had never been familiar with loneliness, so I tried to make a change immediately. I tried going to the gym, to the weight room, or the tennis court. I tried to make friends by participating in various activities. However, none of these activities aligned with my interests or strengths, like badminton or Chinese chess. I only did this to blend into the majority. Despite all my efforts, no one passed me the basketball, everyone minded their own business in the weight room, while I lifted my 40 pounds weight, and every swing on the tennis court was a home run. I performed so poorly that I even lost some potential friends.I didn’t give up. I tried to come up with more solutions. Analyzing the Chinese students around me, I realized why I couldn’t make any friends, not even with the Fessenden Chinese students - we didn’t have a common interest.

First of all, I would love to say it is very natural and healthy to have friends within your ethnic group as you study abroad. It is unnecessary to avoid them. Around me, there were only about nine Chinese students my first year at Fessy from all parts of China, including those from mainland China, Taiwan, Hong Kong, and the American Born Chinese. Most of the Chinese students had graduated from international schools before coming to Fessenden. Some of them had also stayed in the United States for a long time. All of them had a better American linguistic and cultural foundation than me. I had a very different past from them. I attended a Chinese public school,I spent more time reading Chinese literature and history pieces, learning Chinese chess, Taichi, and badminton. Everything around me felt strange, while I’m sure I felt strange to others. When I was in seventh grade, as a brand new student in the United States, I didn’t use social media sites such as Facebook. I didn’t have the habit of using social media, I even set up my QQ account after my Wechat. The other Chinese students used social media frequently. I wasn’t in the same class as the majority of them, since I was in ELL and most of them were in a higher English class. I never watched the TV shows they watched since I didn’t have the habit of watching TV. I didn’t play the same sports as them either, and they even played different videogames than me.

Understanding this, my first thought was to try and assimilate their interests through conversations. I first listened to what the Chinese students discussed, and then I tried to learn about their topics by researching online. After researching I would try and join their conversations. The two reactions I received after my dumb remarks were either laughter or confusion. Soon, there was another reaction-no reaction. Even if I did successfully blend in from time to time, I found out that it wasn’t as enjoyable as I expected. After all, their topic of discussion was not my interest. While I didn’t know anyone who shared a common interest with me I came to three conclusions: blending in is a process that takes consistent effort, not everyone enjoys the same things as I do, and it is better and easier to just be myself. My mother always told me, “You want to make friends, but you shall never beg for company.” I didn’t try to please anyone around me anymore. Instead, I focused on my mother’s words, while I patiently searched for people with common interests.

In the process, I realized that personal qualities such as kindness, bravery, or thoughtfulness could be keys to making friends. One way I tried to make friends was through being nice. This quality is reflected by little things. I said hello to everyone in the hallway and lent people pencils when they needed. Soon, I earned the reputation of being a “kind person” to my classmates. Eventually, after three months, someone tried to get to know me. Victor was a total stranger at first, but he invited me to join the wrestling team. We became good friends afterwards.

Another good example of a friend I made through my qualities was Fred. Fred was a Chinese boy who was one year older than me. He was a man of thought, and he liked to express his philosophical thoughts through discussions. One Saturday in October during breakfast my first year, he had a wonderful idea and tried to tell the table about it. I found his thoughts interesting, so I listened quietly while looking into his eyes.At the beginning, most of the others listened, but slowly, people began to lose interest and began to have their own conversations. I still looked into his eyes and listened. Soon, he discovered that his audience was getting smaller, but as he turned his head a little bit and he saw me gazing at him. I was still listening carefully to his words. Soon he was talking only to me. I listened attentively, nodding occasionally, until he had finished. Afterwards, he remembered me as someone who would listen to him even when nobody else would. We began to talk frequently and he invited me to go on weekend trips. We began to have philosophical discussions during lunchtime or when we traveled on the bus. He became more open in discussing his life philosophies with me and I learned a lot from him. One day in eighth grade, we were having a conversation, and I asked him, “Why do you only share your wonderful ideas with me?”

“Because you are different.” He responded, “You listen.” At the beginning, I only listened to him out of respect. But out of that interaction grew a deeper friendship. The more we discussed our life ideas, the stronger our bond became. I won’t forget how being a good listener helped me make a great friend.

Through good personal qualities, you can also make and enhance friendships and earn people’s respect. During eighth grade, in preparation for another wrestling season, I joined the football team. Even though I was no good at football, I was brave enough to join it and I tried very hard on the field. Eventually, many of my wrestling teammates who also joined the football team, saw my bravery and decided to vote for me as one of the wrestling captains. The wrestling team is where I made most of my non-Chinese friends. Whether you’re on the wrestling mat or football field one’s personalityis shown thoroughly. Through perseverance and the courage, andthe hard work and effort you spend behind the scenes, sports teams are places where every teammate helps each other improve. Through constant communication with my coach and teammates on how to become better, I was able to find people with more common interests and develop deeper friendships.

Once you have made friends with other people, finding a common interest with them will be a great way to build a deeper friendship. On the wrestling team, I made my best Korean friend Luke. As the only two Asians on the team, we had lots of things to talk about. such as how each of us got into wrestling and how to apply Asian martial arts into wrestling. As we made a deeper friendship, I found that we had many more commonalities, we watched similar TV shows and we both liked each other’s culture. We played the same sports, wrestling and crew. Every day on the van to the river, I chose to sit next to him. With his company, I didn’t feel lonely anymore unlike the previous years.

Besides sports, participating in the school theatrical performances and theatre classes helped me to make and enhance friendships. Luke was also in some of the theatre productions with me. After our experience on the wrestling team we were able to share another common experience: acting as female characters. Since Fessenden is an all boys school, we didn’t have girls to play the female roles, so a few boys did it instead. Luke and I were two of them. We put on our dresses and wigs, and then looked into the mirror to discover funny how we looked. We couldn’t even tolerate looking at ourselves. Yet, so many people were going to see us on stage! “This feels so weird!” Luke would always say. This unique and especially memorable event made us brothers in trouble.

Through the friends I made like Fred and Luke I slowly began integrating into American culture. I began to use the social media a bit more often. I began to watch movies that I would never have watched before, and I got better at the English language. As a result of this, I made even more friends. Including Chinese-speaking friends.

Thinking back to my social experience, I ceased my awkward mannerisms. My first friends were made through my good personal qualities, then through common topics I made deeper friendships. At last I was able to blend into the larger community.Don’t worry if you cannot make friends at first. Focus on growing, be brave and influence others with your interests and traits, and be determined to change unsuitable behaviors. Make good friends, healthy friendships are more important than people who can keep you company. Eventually, you will start to expand your social circle and blend into the community.