Speak up for yourself
0:12 Speaking up is hard to do. I understood the true meaning of this phrase exactly one month ago, when my wife and I became new parents. It was an amazing moment. It was exhilarating and elating, but it was also scary and terrifying. And it got particularly terrifying when we got home from the hospital, and we were unsure whether our little baby boy was getting enough nutrients from breastfeeding. And we wanted to call our pediatrician, but we also didn't want to make a bad first impression or come across as a crazy, neurotic parent. So we worried. And we waited. When we got to the doctor's office the next day, she immediately gave him formula because he was pretty dehydrated. Our son is fine now, and our doctor has reassured us we can always contact her. But in that moment, I should've spoken up, but I didn't.
我们很难做到表现自己。我准确的理解这个词语的意思是在一个月之前，那个月我和我的妻子做了父母。那是一个非常令人吃惊的时刻。那个时刻使人愉快和得意，但同时也让人 害怕。当我从医院回到家的时候，我特别的害怕。我们不确定我们的小宝贝男孩是否能够从母乳中获得足够的营养。我们想打电话给我们的儿科医生，但是我们也不想给他一个差的第一印象，或者是一个疯子般的，神经过敏的父母形象。所以我们焦急的等待着。当我们第二天赶到医生办公室时，医生立刻给了一个配方，因为孩子脱水太厉害了。我们的儿子现在很好，我们的医生再次确认我们总是可以联系到她。但是在那个时候，我应该勇于表现自己，但是我没有。
1:09 But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't, and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down. My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker, and for one of his first films, he got an offer from a distribution company. He was excited, and he was inclined to accept the offer. But as a negotiations researcher, I insisted he make a counteroffer, and I helped him craft the perfect one. And it was perfect -- it was perfectly insulting. The company was so offended, they literally withdrew the offerand my brother was left with nothing.
但是有些时候，我们本不应该表现自己的，但是我们却表现自己了。我知道，10年前，我让我的双胞胎兄弟崩溃了。我的双胞胎弟弟是一个记录片制作人，他从一个分销公司获得了他的第一个电影的报价。他非常兴奋，非常倾向于接受这个报价。但是做为一个谈判研究者，我坚持要求他还价，而且帮助他制作了一个完美的谈判文件。它非常完美---这个真的是讽刺啊，这个公司非常不舒服，他们收回了报价，我的兄弟没有获得任何东西。
1:47 And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up: when they can assert themselves, when they can push their interests, when they can express an opinion, when they can make an ambitious ask.
关于勇于表现自己的困境，我问过全世界的人，什么时候该勇猛，什么时候该退缩，什么时候他们能够表达他们的意见，什么时候他们可以问一个充满野心的问题。
1:59 And the range of stories are varied and diverse, but they also make up a universal tapestry. Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake? Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes? Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke? Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?
事请的范围是多样的和变化的，但是他们也有统一的一面。当我老板犯错误的时候，我能够纠正他吗？我能面对一直诋毁我的同事吗？我能够挑战我朋友生硬的玩笑吗?我能够把我内心深处的不安告诉我爱的人吗？
2:21 And through these experiences, I've come to recognize that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior. Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much. That's what happened with my brother. Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior. But sometimes we're too weak. That's what happened with my wife and I. And this range of acceptable behaviors -- when we stay within our range, we're rewarded. When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways. We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized. Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.
通过这些经历，我逐步意识到我们每个人都有一个被接受的行为范围。有时候，我们太强了，我们做得太多，这个就是我兄弟发生的情况，甚至报价谈判都会超出他的被接受的行为的范围。有时候，我们太弱。这个就是我和我妻子的情况。这个可接受的行为的范围：当我们待在这个范围之内，我们会得到奖赏，当我们不待在这个范围时，我们会受到各种方式的惩罚。我们会被解雇或者被驱逐或者排斥，我们会失去奖赏，提升的机会和交易。
3:00 Now, the first thing we need to know is: What is my range? But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed; it's actually pretty dynamic. It expands and it narrows based on the context. And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else, and that's your power. Your power determines your range. What is power? Power comes in lots of forms. In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives.So my brother had no alternatives; he lacked power. The company had lots of alternatives; they had power. Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant, or new to an organization or new to an experience, like my wife and I as new parents. Sometimes it's at work, where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate. Sometimes it's in relationships, where one person's more invested than the other person.
现在，我们首先需要清楚什么是我们的范围。但是关键的是我们的范围不是固定的。事实上它经常变化。基于事情的情景，它会扩大或者缩小。相对于其他的东西，是你的能量决定了你的范围。什么是能量？能力以不同的形式表现出来。在谈判时，更多的选择意味着更大的能量。我兄弟没有更多的选择，所以他缺少能量。那个公司有很多的选择，所以他们有能量。有时候去一个新的地方，比如移民，或者去一个新的组织，一个新的经历，比如初为人父。能量还会表现在工作中，有些人是老板，有些人是下属。能量也会表现在人际关系中，有些人比其他人更加会投资。
3:54 And the key thing is that when we have lots of power, our range is very wide. We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. But when we lack power, our range narrows. We have very little leeway. The problem is that when our range narrows, that produces something called the low-power double bind. The low-power double bind happens when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed, but if we do speak up, we get punished.
关键的事情是：当我们拥有很多能量的时候，我们的范围是很宽的。我们有很多方式来表现。但是当我们缺少能量的时候，我们的范围变窄了。我们拥有有限的方式。问题是当我们的范围变窄的时候，会产生一个叫做低能量的进退量难处境。这个能量的进退量难处境在我们不表现自己的时候出现。当我们不表现的时候，我们被忽视，当我们表现的时候，我们受到惩罚。
4:24 Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind" and connected it with one thing, and that's gender. The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed, and women who do speak up get punished. And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up, but they have barriers to doing so. But what my research has shown over the last two decades is that what looks like a gender difference is not really a gender double bind, it's a really a low-power double bind. And what looks like a gender difference are really often just power differences in disguise. Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman or men and women, and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different about the sexes." But in study after study, I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences is really power. And so it's the low-power double bind. And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range, and we lack power. We have a narrow range,and our double bind is very large.
现在，你们很多人听说过这个词语“进退两难”，然后把它和性别联系起来。女性的进退两难是这样的：不表现自己的女性会被忽视，表现自己的女性得到惩罚。但关键是女性和男性有相同的表现需要，但是他们会有很多障碍。我的研究显示在过去的20年来，那些看起来像性别差异导致的进退两难，其实是低能量导致的进退两难。那些看起来由于性别差异导致的事情其实是由能量差异导致的。我们经常看到男性和女性的差异，或者女性和男性的差异，然后想到“生物原因，有些事情是由于最基本的性别差异导致的”。但是在一遍一遍的研究后，我认识到，能量是性别差异的一个很好的解释，是低能量导致了进退两难。低能量限制意味着我们的窄的范围，我们缺少能量。我们缺少能量，然而我们的进退两难范围却更大了。
5:33 So we need to find ways to expand our range. And over the last couple decades, my colleagues and I have found two things really matter. The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes. The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others. When I feel powerful, I feel confident, not fearful; I expand my own range. When other people see me as powerful, they grant me a wider range. So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior. And I'm going to give you a set of tools today. Speaking up is risky,but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.
我们需要找到方法来扩大我们的范围。在过去的十几年里，我和我的同事们发现两件事。
第一件：你自己认为很有能量。第二件：别人认为你很有能量。当我感觉到很有能量的时候，我会充满自信，不会恐惧，这时我扩大我的范围。当其他人感觉我很有能量的时候，他们给我一个更宽的范围。所以我们需要工具来扩大我们的可接受行为的范围。我将给出一系列的工具。表现自己会很危险，但是这些工具会帮助你降低表现自己的危险。
6:14 The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations in an important finding. On average, women make less ambitions offers and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table. But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men and are just as ambitious. That's when they advocate for others. When they advocate for others, they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind. They become more assertive. This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect." Like a mama bear defending her cubs, when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.
我要给你们的第一个有利于谈判的工具是一个很重要的发现。平均来说，女性比男性在谈判桌前获得更少的报酬和收入。但是 Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah 两个人发现有一种情况下，女性和男性获得一样的收入。这个就是在她们支持其他人的时候。当她们支持其他人的时候，她们发现她们自己的范围，并且以她们自己的想法扩大它。他们变得更加确定。这个有时候叫做“熊妈妈效果”像一个熊妈妈保护他的孩子。当我们支持其他人的时候，我们能够发现自己的声音。
7:01 But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves. How do we do that? One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves is something called perspective-taking. And perspective-taking is really simple: it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person. It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range. When I take your perspective, and I think about what you really want, you're more likely to give me what I really want.
但是，有时候，我们不得不支持我们自己。我们怎么做到呢？我们不得不支持我们自己的时候，有一个非常重要的工具叫做换位思考。换位思考非常简单：就是用其他人的眼光去看这个世界。这是我们能够扩大我们范围的一个最重要的工具。当我和你换位思考的时候，我能够知道你真正想要什么。你将更可能的给我想要的东西。
7:32 But here's the problem: perspective-taking is hard to do. So let's do a little experiment. I want you all to hold your hand just like this: your finger -- put it up. And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead as quickly as possible. OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways, and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking. I'm going to show you two pictures of someone with an E on their forehead -- my former student, Erika Hall. And you can see over here, that's the correct E. I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person. That's the perspective-taking E because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point. But this E over here is the self-focused E. We often get self-focused. And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.
但这里有个问题。换位思考非常难实施。让我们做一个小实验。我希望你们能够像这样举起手：举起里来。我想要你尽快在你额头画一个大写的E字母。我们能够用两种不同的方式来画E。这就是为换位思考设计的。我将给你两张图片。这两张图片显示我的一个学生的前额上有一个E。你可以看到，这是正确的E。我画这个E,它像他人画的E。这就是换位思考E，因为它是从其他人的优势看到的结果。但是这个E是自己关注的E.我们经常自我关注。我们特别喜欢在危机的时候自我关注。
8:25 I want to tell you about a particular crisis. A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California. And he says, "Give me $2,000, or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money. She took a step back. She took his perspective, and she noticed something really important. He asked for a specific amount of money.
我想告诉你们一个特别的危机时刻。一个人走进加利福尼亚州沃森维尔的一家银行。然后他说：“给我2000$，不然的话我就把这整个银行都炸飞”。这个银行经理没有给他钱。她退后一步，然后换位思考。她发现一些很重要的事情：这个人要具体数量的钱，
8:47So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"
她说：“你为什么只要2000$”?
8:52And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted unless I get him $2,000 immediately."
他说：如果我不及时给他2000美元的话，我的朋友将被驱逐。
8:56And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank -- you want to take out a loan."
然后她说：“噢，你不是想要抢劫银行，你是想来借款吧”。
9:01(Laughter)
9:02"Why don't you come back to my office, and we can have you fill out the paperwork."
“你为什么不来我的办公室呢，我们可以让你填写这个申请表单”。
9:06(Laughter)
9:08Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation. So when we take someone's perspective,it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.
现在，她的快速换位思考平息了一个不可遇见的局面。所以，当我们和别人换位思考的时候，它会让我们更加有野心并且坚定自信，但仍然让人喜欢。
9:20 Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable, and that is to signal flexibility. Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car. You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options. Let's say option A: $24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty. Or option B:$23,000 and a three-year warranty. My research shows that when you give people a choice among options, it lowers their defenses, and they're more likely to accept your offer.
这里还有另外的一种方式能够让你坚定而自信，但同样招人喜欢，这就是发出请求的灵活性。
现在，想象你是一个汽车销售人员，你想卖辆车给人。如果你给他们两个选择，你会更容易达成交易。首先说选择A: 汽车售价24000美元，5年质保 。选择B: 汽车售价23000美元，3年质保。我的研究显示，当你让人在多个选项中选择时，这个会降低他们的防御等级，他们更倾向于接受你的报价。
9:53 And this doesn't just work with salespeople; it works with parents. When my niece was four, she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything. But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea. What if I gave my daughter a choice? This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. And it worked brilliantly. She got dressed quickly and without resistance.
这个不仅适用于销售人员。做父母的也很适用。当我侄女4岁的时候，她拒绝穿衣服并且拒绝一切东西。我的嫂子却有一个非常聪明的想法。如果我给我的女儿一个选择呢？这条裙子还是那条裙子？好吧，这条。这条短裤还是那条短裤？好的，那条。这个方法非常有效。她立刻穿好衣服，没有任何拒绝。
10:16 When I've asked the question around the world when people feel comfortable speaking up, the number one answer is: "When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies." So we want to get allies on our side. How do we do that? Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. When we advocate for others,we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others, but we also earn strong allies.
当我向全世界的人问这个问题的时候：在什么时候表现自己会感觉到舒服。排在第一的答案为：当我在我的听众中有社会支持的时候，当我有allies的时候。所以，我们想获得allies到我们这边。我们怎么做到呢？嗯，其中一个方式就是需要母亲般的忍耐。当我们支持其他人的时候，我们扩大了我们在自己和他人的眼中的范围，我们同时获得了强大的allies.
10:42 Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places, is by asking other people for advice.When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them, and we're expressing humility. And this really works to solve another double bind. And that's the self-promotion double bind. The self-promotion double bind is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments, no one notices. And if we do, we're not likable.
另一个我们可以获得强大的盟友，特别是在高逼格的地方，是向人请教建议。当我们向人遵循意见的时候，他们喜欢我们，因为我们奉承他们。我们在表达谦卑。这个在解决自我提拔的进退两难处境的时候非常有效。自我提拔的进退两难是如果我们不宣传我们自己的成就，没有人注意到。如果我们宣传，我们则不被喜欢。
11:12 But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments, we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable. And this is so powerful it even works when you see it coming. There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice. I want you to notice three things about this: First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice. Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits of asking for advice. And three, it still worked! I took their perspective, I became more invested in their calls, I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.
但是如果我们把自己的成绩向人征求意见，我们会让人觉得自己非常胜任工作，同时也被喜欢着。当你看到它来的时候，这个会非常有能量。在生活中，我多次被提醒到一个低能量的被给过建议的人跑到我身边向我征求意见。我想让你们注意到三件事：首先，我知道他们是过来征求意见，第二点：关于征求意见的策略性好处我已经做过研究，第三:它仍然有效。我会站在他们的角度去思考。我对他们更加投入，我对他们更加承担义务。因为他们来征询建议。
11:57 Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up is when we have expertise. Expertise gives us credibility. When we have high power, we already have credibility. We only need good evidence. When we lack power, we don't have the credibility. We need excellent evidence.
当我们有专业技术，我们在表现自己的时候更加自信。专业技术会给我们信誉。当我们拥有高能量的时候，我们已经有信誉了。我们只需要好的证明。当我们缺少能量的时候，我们没有信誉，我们需要更加优秀的证明。
12:16 And one of the ways we can come across as an expert is by tapping into our passion. I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs and just say to them, "I want you to describe a passion of yours to me." I've had people do this all over the world and I asked them, "What did you notice about the other person when they described their passion?" And the answers are always the same. "Their eyes lit up and got big." "They smiled a big beaming smile." "They used their hands all over -- I had to duck because their hands were coming at me." "They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."
我们能够变成一个专家的方式之一是倾注我们的热情。我希望每个人在接下来的几天里向他们的朋友说：我希望你能把你们的热情描述给我。我知道世界上很多人做这个，我问他们：“当他们描述你们的激情的时候，你注意到什么了吗？”他们的回答总是相同：“他们的眼睛发光变大。”“他们笑的非常很夸张”“他们手舞足蹈，我不得不往后退”“他们说的非常快而且高亢”
12:53(Laughter)
12:54"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."
他们好像是在告诉我们一个密码一样的leane.
12:56 And then I said to them, "What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"
13:01 They said, "My eyes lit up. I smiled. I leaned in."
我问他们：“当你听到他们的热情的时候，你感觉到什么了吗？“
他们说：“我的眼睛也亮了，我也笑了，我leaned in。”
13:06 When we tap into our passion, we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up, but we also get the permission from others to speak up. Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak. Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears. But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion, the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.
当我们倾注我们的激情的时候，我们给自己勇气。在我们自己眼中，勇于表现自己，我们也获得了别人的许可来表现自己。当我们非常虚弱的时候，倾注自己的热情也同样有效。当人们流眼泪的时候，不管男人或者女人，都会受到惩罚。但是Lizzie Wolf告诉我们当我们把我们的强大感情变成激情的时候，我们哭的理由都会消失，不管是男人还是女人。
13:39 I want to end with a few words from my late father that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding. Here's a picture of us. My dad was a psychologist like me, but his real love and his real passion was cinema, like my brother. And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding about the roles we play in the human comedy.
我希望用这些词语来结束我的演讲。这些话是我爸在我胞兄的婚礼上给我们说的。这是我们的一张照片。我爸爸和我一样，也是一个心理学家。但是他的真正爱好和真正热情是电影，就像我胞兄一样。关于我们在人类喜剧上的角色，他在我胞兄的婚礼做了一个演讲，他说：
14:01 And he said, "The lighter your touch, the better you become at improving and enriching your performance. Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance grow, change and expand the self. Play it well, and your days will be mostly joyful."
你抚摸的越轻，你在提高和丰富你的表演的时候越好。那些拥抱他们的角色和工作从而来提高他们的表演的人会成长，改变和扩大他们自己。好好表演，你的日子将会更加有趣。
14:19 What my dad was saying is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world. But he was also saying the essence of this talk: those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.
我父亲说的意思是：我们在这个时界上都被安排了范围和角色。但是他同时也表达了他演讲的本质:这些角色和范围是会不断的扩大和进化的。
14:35 So when a scene calls for it, be a ferocious mama bear and a humble advice seeker. Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Be a passionate perspective taker. And if you use those tools -- and each and every one of you can use these tools -- you will expand your range of acceptable behavior, and your days will be mostly joyful.
所以当情景需要的时候，当一个惊人的熊妈妈和谦逊的建议发现者，拥有优秀的证明和强大的盟友，做一个有激情的换位思考者。如果你用这些工具，我们每个人都可以用这些工具。你会扩大你被接受的行为的范围，你的日子会更加精彩。
15:03Thank you.
情景->结论->原因->解决方法->总结
prep
我们很难做到表现自己。我准确的理解这个词语的意思是在一个月之前，那个月我和我的妻子做了父母。那是一个非常令人吃惊的时刻。那个时刻使人愉快和得意，但同时也让人 害怕。当我从医院回到家的时候，我特别的害怕。我们不确定我们的小宝贝男孩是否能够从母乳中获得足够的营养。我们想打电话给我们的儿科医生，但是我们也不想给他一个差的第一印象，或者是一个疯子般的，神经过敏的父母形象。所以我们焦急的等待着。当我们第二天赶到医生办公室时，医生立刻给了一个配方，因为孩子脱水太厉害了。我们的儿子现在很好，我们的医生再次确认我们总是可以联系到她。但是在那个时候，我应该勇于表现自己，但是我没有。
1:09 But sometimes we speak up when we shouldn't, and I learned that over 10 years ago when I let my twin brother down. My twin brother is a documentary filmmaker, and for one of his first films, he got an offer from a distribution company. He was excited, and he was inclined to accept the offer. But as a negotiations researcher, I insisted he make a counteroffer, and I helped him craft the perfect one. And it was perfect -- it was perfectly insulting. The company was so offended, they literally withdrew the offerand my brother was left with nothing.
但是有些时候，我们本不应该表现自己的，但是我们却表现自己了。我知道，10年前，我让我的双胞胎兄弟崩溃了。我的双胞胎弟弟是一个记录片制作人，他从一个分销公司获得了他的第一个电影的报价。他非常兴奋，非常倾向于接受这个报价。但是做为一个谈判研究者，我坚持要求他还价，而且帮助他制作了一个完美的谈判文件。它非常完美---这个真的是讽刺啊，这个公司非常不舒服，他们收回了报价，我的兄弟没有获得任何东西。
1:47 And I've asked people all over the world about this dilemma of speaking up: when they can assert themselves, when they can push their interests, when they can express an opinion, when they can make an ambitious ask.
关于勇于表现自己的困境，我问过全世界的人，什么时候该勇猛，什么时候该退缩，什么时候他们能够表达他们的意见，什么时候他们可以问一个充满野心的问题。
1:59 And the range of stories are varied and diverse, but they also make up a universal tapestry. Can I correct my boss when they make a mistake? Can I confront my coworker who keeps stepping on my toes? Can I challenge my friend's insensitive joke? Can I tell the person I love the most my deepest insecurities?
事请的范围是多样的和变化的，但是他们也有统一的一面。当我老板犯错误的时候，我能够纠正他吗？我能面对一直诋毁我的同事吗？我能够挑战我朋友生硬的玩笑吗?我能够把我内心深处的不安告诉我爱的人吗？
2:21 And through these experiences, I've come to recognize that each of us have something called a range of acceptable behavior. Now, sometimes we're too strong; we push ourselves too much. That's what happened with my brother. Even making an offer was outside his range of acceptable behavior. But sometimes we're too weak. That's what happened with my wife and I. And this range of acceptable behaviors -- when we stay within our range, we're rewarded. When we step outside that range, we get punished in a variety of ways. We get dismissed or demeaned or even ostracized. Or we lose that raise or that promotion or that deal.
通过这些经历，我逐步意识到我们每个人都有一个被接受的行为范围。有时候，我们太强了，我们做得太多，这个就是我兄弟发生的情况，甚至报价谈判都会超出他的被接受的行为的范围。有时候，我们太弱。这个就是我和我妻子的情况。这个可接受的行为的范围：当我们待在这个范围之内，我们会得到奖赏，当我们不待在这个范围时，我们会受到各种方式的惩罚。我们会被解雇或者被驱逐或者排斥，我们会失去奖赏，提升的机会和交易。
3:00 Now, the first thing we need to know is: What is my range? But the key thing is, our range isn't fixed; it's actually pretty dynamic. It expands and it narrows based on the context. And there's one thing that determines that range more than anything else, and that's your power. Your power determines your range. What is power? Power comes in lots of forms. In negotiations, it comes in the form of alternatives.So my brother had no alternatives; he lacked power. The company had lots of alternatives; they had power. Sometimes it's being new to a country, like an immigrant, or new to an organization or new to an experience, like my wife and I as new parents. Sometimes it's at work, where someone's the boss and someone's the subordinate. Sometimes it's in relationships, where one person's more invested than the other person.
现在，我们首先需要清楚什么是我们的范围。但是关键的是我们的范围不是固定的。事实上它经常变化。基于事情的情景，它会扩大或者缩小。相对于其他的东西，是你的能量决定了你的范围。什么是能量？能力以不同的形式表现出来。在谈判时，更多的选择意味着更大的能量。我兄弟没有更多的选择，所以他缺少能量。那个公司有很多的选择，所以他们有能量。有时候去一个新的地方，比如移民，或者去一个新的组织，一个新的经历，比如初为人父。能量还会表现在工作中，有些人是老板，有些人是下属。能量也会表现在人际关系中，有些人比其他人更加会投资。
3:54 And the key thing is that when we have lots of power, our range is very wide. We have a lot of leeway in how to behave. But when we lack power, our range narrows. We have very little leeway. The problem is that when our range narrows, that produces something called the low-power double bind. The low-power double bind happens when, if we don't speak up, we go unnoticed, but if we do speak up, we get punished.
关键的事情是：当我们拥有很多能量的时候，我们的范围是很宽的。我们有很多方式来表现。但是当我们缺少能量的时候，我们的范围变窄了。我们拥有有限的方式。问题是当我们的范围变窄的时候，会产生一个叫做低能量的进退量难处境。这个能量的进退量难处境在我们不表现自己的时候出现。当我们不表现的时候，我们被忽视，当我们表现的时候，我们受到惩罚。
4:24 Now, many of you have heard the phrase the "double bind" and connected it with one thing, and that's gender. The gender double bind is women who don't speak up go unnoticed, and women who do speak up get punished. And the key thing is that women have the same need as men to speak up, but they have barriers to doing so. But what my research has shown over the last two decades is that what looks like a gender difference is not really a gender double bind, it's a really a low-power double bind. And what looks like a gender difference are really often just power differences in disguise. Oftentimes we see a difference between a man and a woman or men and women, and think, "Biological cause. There's something fundamentally different about the sexes." But in study after study, I've found that a better explanation for many sex differences is really power. And so it's the low-power double bind. And the low-power double bind means that we have a narrow range, and we lack power. We have a narrow range,and our double bind is very large.
现在，你们很多人听说过这个词语“进退两难”，然后把它和性别联系起来。女性的进退两难是这样的：不表现自己的女性会被忽视，表现自己的女性得到惩罚。但关键是女性和男性有相同的表现需要，但是他们会有很多障碍。我的研究显示在过去的20年来，那些看起来像性别差异导致的进退两难，其实是低能量导致的进退两难。那些看起来由于性别差异导致的事情其实是由能量差异导致的。我们经常看到男性和女性的差异，或者女性和男性的差异，然后想到“生物原因，有些事情是由于最基本的性别差异导致的”。但是在一遍一遍的研究后，我认识到，能量是性别差异的一个很好的解释，是低能量导致了进退两难。低能量限制意味着我们的窄的范围，我们缺少能量。我们缺少能量，然而我们的进退两难范围却更大了。
5:33 So we need to find ways to expand our range. And over the last couple decades, my colleagues and I have found two things really matter. The first: you seem powerful in your own eyes. The second: you seem powerful in the eyes of others. When I feel powerful, I feel confident, not fearful; I expand my own range. When other people see me as powerful, they grant me a wider range. So we need tools to expand our range of acceptable behavior. And I'm going to give you a set of tools today. Speaking up is risky,but these tools will lower your risk of speaking up.
我们需要找到方法来扩大我们的范围。在过去的十几年里，我和我的同事们发现两件事。
第一件：你自己认为很有能量。第二件：别人认为你很有能量。当我感觉到很有能量的时候，我会充满自信，不会恐惧，这时我扩大我的范围。当其他人感觉我很有能量的时候，他们给我一个更宽的范围。所以我们需要工具来扩大我们的可接受行为的范围。我将给出一系列的工具。表现自己会很危险，但是这些工具会帮助你降低表现自己的危险。
6:14 The first tool I'm going to give you got discovered in negotiations in an important finding. On average, women make less ambitions offers and get worse outcomes than men at the bargaining table. But Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah have discovered there's one situation where women get the same outcomes as men and are just as ambitious. That's when they advocate for others. When they advocate for others, they discover their own range and expand it in their own mind. They become more assertive. This is sometimes called "the mama bear effect." Like a mama bear defending her cubs, when we advocate for others, we can discover our own voice.
我要给你们的第一个有利于谈判的工具是一个很重要的发现。平均来说，女性比男性在谈判桌前获得更少的报酬和收入。但是 Hannah Riley Bowles and Emily Amanatullah 两个人发现有一种情况下，女性和男性获得一样的收入。这个就是在她们支持其他人的时候。当她们支持其他人的时候，她们发现她们自己的范围，并且以她们自己的想法扩大它。他们变得更加确定。这个有时候叫做“熊妈妈效果”像一个熊妈妈保护他的孩子。当我们支持其他人的时候，我们能够发现自己的声音。
7:01 But sometimes, we have to advocate for ourselves. How do we do that? One of the most important tools we have to advocate for ourselves is something called perspective-taking. And perspective-taking is really simple: it's simply looking at the world through the eyes of another person. It's one of the most important tools we have to expand our range. When I take your perspective, and I think about what you really want, you're more likely to give me what I really want.
但是，有时候，我们不得不支持我们自己。我们怎么做到呢？我们不得不支持我们自己的时候，有一个非常重要的工具叫做换位思考。换位思考非常简单：就是用其他人的眼光去看这个世界。这是我们能够扩大我们范围的一个最重要的工具。当我和你换位思考的时候，我能够知道你真正想要什么。你将更可能的给我想要的东西。
7:32 But here's the problem: perspective-taking is hard to do. So let's do a little experiment. I want you all to hold your hand just like this: your finger -- put it up. And I want you to draw a capital letter E on your forehead as quickly as possible. OK, it turns out that we can draw this E in one of two ways, and this was originally designed as a test of perspective-taking. I'm going to show you two pictures of someone with an E on their forehead -- my former student, Erika Hall. And you can see over here, that's the correct E. I drew the E so it looks like an E to another person. That's the perspective-taking E because it looks like an E from someone else's vantage point. But this E over here is the self-focused E. We often get self-focused. And we particularly get self-focused in a crisis.
但这里有个问题。换位思考非常难实施。让我们做一个小实验。我希望你们能够像这样举起手：举起里来。我想要你尽快在你额头画一个大写的E字母。我们能够用两种不同的方式来画E。这就是为换位思考设计的。我将给你两张图片。这两张图片显示我的一个学生的前额上有一个E。你可以看到，这是正确的E。我画这个E,它像他人画的E。这就是换位思考E，因为它是从其他人的优势看到的结果。但是这个E是自己关注的E.我们经常自我关注。我们特别喜欢在危机的时候自我关注。
8:25 I want to tell you about a particular crisis. A man walks into a bank in Watsonville, California. And he says, "Give me $2,000, or I'm blowing the whole bank up with a bomb." Now, the bank manager didn't give him the money. She took a step back. She took his perspective, and she noticed something really important. He asked for a specific amount of money.
我想告诉你们一个特别的危机时刻。一个人走进加利福尼亚州沃森维尔的一家银行。然后他说：“给我2000$，不然的话我就把这整个银行都炸飞”。这个银行经理没有给他钱。她退后一步，然后换位思考。她发现一些很重要的事情：这个人要具体数量的钱，
8:47So she said, "Why did you ask for $2,000?"
她说：“你为什么只要2000$”?
8:52And he said, "My friend is going to be evicted unless I get him $2,000 immediately."
他说：如果我不及时给他2000美元的话，我的朋友将被驱逐。
8:56And she said, "Oh! You don't want to rob the bank -- you want to take out a loan."
然后她说：“噢，你不是想要抢劫银行，你是想来借款吧”。
9:01(Laughter)
9:02"Why don't you come back to my office, and we can have you fill out the paperwork."
“你为什么不来我的办公室呢，我们可以让你填写这个申请表单”。
9:06(Laughter)
9:08Now, her quick perspective-taking defused a volatile situation. So when we take someone's perspective,it allows us to be ambitious and assertive, but still be likable.
现在，她的快速换位思考平息了一个不可遇见的局面。所以，当我们和别人换位思考的时候，它会让我们更加有野心并且坚定自信，但仍然让人喜欢。
9:20 Here's another way to be assertive but still be likable, and that is to signal flexibility. Now, imagine you're a car salesperson, and you want to sell someone a car. You're going to more likely make the sale if you give them two options. Let's say option A: $24,000 for this car and a five-year warranty. Or option B:$23,000 and a three-year warranty. My research shows that when you give people a choice among options, it lowers their defenses, and they're more likely to accept your offer.
这里还有另外的一种方式能够让你坚定而自信，但同样招人喜欢，这就是发出请求的灵活性。
现在，想象你是一个汽车销售人员，你想卖辆车给人。如果你给他们两个选择，你会更容易达成交易。首先说选择A: 汽车售价24000美元，5年质保 。选择B: 汽车售价23000美元，3年质保。我的研究显示，当你让人在多个选项中选择时，这个会降低他们的防御等级，他们更倾向于接受你的报价。
9:53 And this doesn't just work with salespeople; it works with parents. When my niece was four, she resisted getting dressed and rejected everything. But then my sister-in-law had a brilliant idea. What if I gave my daughter a choice? This shirt or that shirt? OK, that shirt. This pant or that pant? OK, that pant. And it worked brilliantly. She got dressed quickly and without resistance.
这个不仅适用于销售人员。做父母的也很适用。当我侄女4岁的时候，她拒绝穿衣服并且拒绝一切东西。我的嫂子却有一个非常聪明的想法。如果我给我的女儿一个选择呢？这条裙子还是那条裙子？好吧，这条。这条短裤还是那条短裤？好的，那条。这个方法非常有效。她立刻穿好衣服，没有任何拒绝。
10:16 When I've asked the question around the world when people feel comfortable speaking up, the number one answer is: "When I have social support in my audience; when I have allies." So we want to get allies on our side. How do we do that? Well, one of the ways is be a mama bear. When we advocate for others,we expand our range in our own eyes and the eyes of others, but we also earn strong allies.
当我向全世界的人问这个问题的时候：在什么时候表现自己会感觉到舒服。排在第一的答案为：当我在我的听众中有社会支持的时候，当我有allies的时候。所以，我们想获得allies到我们这边。我们怎么做到呢？嗯，其中一个方式就是需要母亲般的忍耐。当我们支持其他人的时候，我们扩大了我们在自己和他人的眼中的范围，我们同时获得了强大的allies.
10:42 Another way we can earn strong allies, especially in high places, is by asking other people for advice.When we ask others for advice, they like us because we flatter them, and we're expressing humility. And this really works to solve another double bind. And that's the self-promotion double bind. The self-promotion double bind is that if we don't advertise our accomplishments, no one notices. And if we do, we're not likable.
另一个我们可以获得强大的盟友，特别是在高逼格的地方，是向人请教建议。当我们向人遵循意见的时候，他们喜欢我们，因为我们奉承他们。我们在表达谦卑。这个在解决自我提拔的进退两难处境的时候非常有效。自我提拔的进退两难是如果我们不宣传我们自己的成就，没有人注意到。如果我们宣传，我们则不被喜欢。
11:12 But if we ask for advice about one of our accomplishments, we are able to be competent in their eyes but also be likeable. And this is so powerful it even works when you see it coming. There have been multiple times in life when I have been forewarned that a low-power person has been given the advice to come ask me for advice. I want you to notice three things about this: First, I knew they were going to come ask me for advice. Two, I've actually done research on the strategic benefits of asking for advice. And three, it still worked! I took their perspective, I became more invested in their calls, I became more committed to them because they asked for advice.
但是如果我们把自己的成绩向人征求意见，我们会让人觉得自己非常胜任工作，同时也被喜欢着。当你看到它来的时候，这个会非常有能量。在生活中，我多次被提醒到一个低能量的被给过建议的人跑到我身边向我征求意见。我想让你们注意到三件事：首先，我知道他们是过来征求意见，第二点：关于征求意见的策略性好处我已经做过研究，第三:它仍然有效。我会站在他们的角度去思考。我对他们更加投入，我对他们更加承担义务。因为他们来征询建议。
11:57 Now, another time we feel more confident speaking up is when we have expertise. Expertise gives us credibility. When we have high power, we already have credibility. We only need good evidence. When we lack power, we don't have the credibility. We need excellent evidence.
当我们有专业技术，我们在表现自己的时候更加自信。专业技术会给我们信誉。当我们拥有高能量的时候，我们已经有信誉了。我们只需要好的证明。当我们缺少能量的时候，我们没有信誉，我们需要更加优秀的证明。
12:16 And one of the ways we can come across as an expert is by tapping into our passion. I want everyone in the next few days to go up to friend of theirs and just say to them, "I want you to describe a passion of yours to me." I've had people do this all over the world and I asked them, "What did you notice about the other person when they described their passion?" And the answers are always the same. "Their eyes lit up and got big." "They smiled a big beaming smile." "They used their hands all over -- I had to duck because their hands were coming at me." "They talk quickly with a little higher pitch."
我们能够变成一个专家的方式之一是倾注我们的热情。我希望每个人在接下来的几天里向他们的朋友说：我希望你能把你们的热情描述给我。我知道世界上很多人做这个，我问他们：“当他们描述你们的激情的时候，你注意到什么了吗？”他们的回答总是相同：“他们的眼睛发光变大。”“他们笑的非常很夸张”“他们手舞足蹈，我不得不往后退”“他们说的非常快而且高亢”
12:53(Laughter)
12:54"They leaned in as if telling me a secret."
他们好像是在告诉我们一个密码一样的leane.
12:56 And then I said to them, "What happened to you as you listened to their passion?"
13:01 They said, "My eyes lit up. I smiled. I leaned in."
我问他们：“当你听到他们的热情的时候，你感觉到什么了吗？“
他们说：“我的眼睛也亮了，我也笑了，我leaned in。”
13:06 When we tap into our passion, we give ourselves the courage, in our own eyes, to speak up, but we also get the permission from others to speak up. Tapping into our passion even works when we come across as too weak. Both men and women get punished at work when they shed tears. But Lizzie Wolf has shown that when we frame our strong emotions as passion, the condemnation of our crying disappears for both men and women.
当我们倾注我们的激情的时候，我们给自己勇气。在我们自己眼中，勇于表现自己，我们也获得了别人的许可来表现自己。当我们非常虚弱的时候，倾注自己的热情也同样有效。当人们流眼泪的时候，不管男人或者女人，都会受到惩罚。但是Lizzie Wolf告诉我们当我们把我们的强大感情变成激情的时候，我们哭的理由都会消失，不管是男人还是女人。
13:39 I want to end with a few words from my late father that he spoke at my twin brother's wedding. Here's a picture of us. My dad was a psychologist like me, but his real love and his real passion was cinema, like my brother. And so he wrote a speech for my brother's wedding about the roles we play in the human comedy.
我希望用这些词语来结束我的演讲。这些话是我爸在我胞兄的婚礼上给我们说的。这是我们的一张照片。我爸爸和我一样，也是一个心理学家。但是他的真正爱好和真正热情是电影，就像我胞兄一样。关于我们在人类喜剧上的角色，他在我胞兄的婚礼做了一个演讲，他说：
14:01 And he said, "The lighter your touch, the better you become at improving and enriching your performance. Those who embrace their roles and work to improve their performance grow, change and expand the self. Play it well, and your days will be mostly joyful."
你抚摸的越轻，你在提高和丰富你的表演的时候越好。那些拥抱他们的角色和工作从而来提高他们的表演的人会成长，改变和扩大他们自己。好好表演，你的日子将会更加有趣。
14:19 What my dad was saying is that we've all been assigned ranges and roles in this world. But he was also saying the essence of this talk: those roles and ranges are constantly expanding and evolving.
我父亲说的意思是：我们在这个时界上都被安排了范围和角色。但是他同时也表达了他演讲的本质:这些角色和范围是会不断的扩大和进化的。
14:35 So when a scene calls for it, be a ferocious mama bear and a humble advice seeker. Have excellent evidence and strong allies. Be a passionate perspective taker. And if you use those tools -- and each and every one of you can use these tools -- you will expand your range of acceptable behavior, and your days will be mostly joyful.
所以当情景需要的时候，当一个惊人的熊妈妈和谦逊的建议发现者，拥有优秀的证明和强大的盟友，做一个有激情的换位思考者。如果你用这些工具，我们每个人都可以用这些工具。你会扩大你被接受的行为的范围，你的日子会更加精彩。
15:03Thank you.
情景->结论->原因->解决方法->总结
prep
来自 豆瓣App
