今天我的人生是这样渡过的 中英文对照版 Today My Life Went Trough Like This

Source: http://blog.sina.com.cn/s/blog_561ee4750101hfyi.html Author: Ma Boyong Translator: Congee 今天我的人生是这样渡过的 Today my life went trough like this 早上起来，看了一下行程，上午要去位于北海的北大妇幼和位于西直门的北大人民医院办事。两家医院都在西边。下午还要在美术馆后街跟人谈个项目。作为周六来说，还算充实。我稍微计划了一下，西直门附近好吃的东西不少，我去办完差不多十一点半左右，约个朋友吃饭，吃完直奔三联书店，买几本书，在雕刻时光写稿，写到人来，谈完事，去机场接个人，正好回家。 I got up in the morning and checked my itinerary. Appointments at Peking University MCH Center at Beihai and Peking University People's Hospital at Xizhimen. Both hospitals are on the west side. Also a business project discussion at NAMOC backstreet in the afternoon. A fairly compact schedule for a Saturday like this. Some preliminary planning: there are plenty of good eateries around Xizhimen, most likely I will be finishing off around 11:30 AM, call a friend out for lunch and head straight to the bookstore of SDX joint publishing, buy some books, catch up on my manuscript at SIT Coffee until my guest arrives, finish off business talk, drive to the airport and pick up a friend, then go home. 完美的一天！ Perfect day! 结果一开始就不太顺。我从床头柜抽屉里翻找要带的文件，却死活找不到。最神奇的是，其他所有相关文件都在，惟独最重要的一份不在。我几乎无法理解，怎么可能有这样的事情发生，昨晚明明还在！ But it started out somewhat unwell. I flipped through the drawer of my bedside table for the file to bring but just couldn't find it, no matter what. Most amazingly, all other files were right there and only the most important one was missing. I couldn't understand: how was that even possible, it was still right there last night! 我发疯一样地找了一个多小时，眼看就要来不及出门，脑子突然灵光一现。这个床头柜抽屉里的东西装的很满，拉动抽屉的时候，搁在最上头的文件有可能会被挡住，掉到抽屉后头去。偏偏这种导轨式的又无法彻底抽出来，我只能整个人趴下，撅起屁股，费力地伸出胳膊挤进抽屉的狭窄空间，在后头够啊够啊，最后在手断之前，终于奇迹般地把文件够出来了。 I searched like crazy for more than an hour. My schedule was just about to get delayed when a brilliant idea lit my mind. This drawer was very stuffed, which means when pulling it, the file on the top might have been blocked and fall to its behind. But this kind of railed drawer could not be taken out completely, and I could only crawl on my all fours, ass puckering toward the ceiling, squeeze my arm into the tiny narrow space inside the drawer and fumble within. Like a miracle, right before my hand was about to snap, I fetched out the file. 我大欢喜，挥舞着文件朝卧室外面头。然后，脚趾头结结实实地踢在了忘记收回去的抽屉上。 In ecstasy I waved the file, headed to outside the bedroom, and kicked my toe firmly into the drawer that I forgot to return. 疼 疼 疼 疼 疼 OUCH WHAT THE HOLY FUCK 人类的脚趾头其实是最脆弱的部位，一次不经意的碰撞，就可以让你痛不欲生，就好像脚趾头里长满了牙神经一样。尤其是赤脚，尤其是赤脚踢在实木抽屉上，尤其是赤脚踢在实木抽屉的金属导轨上，尤其是赤脚踢在实木抽屉的金属导轨的凸槽上。 The toe is in fact the most fragile part of the human body, and the pain from just one mindless bump can be suicidally severe. It's just like as if the toe was filled with alveolar nerves, especially bare foot, especially bare foot kicking into solid wood drawer, especially bare foot kicking into the metal track on the solid wood drawer, especially bare foot kicking into the groove of the metal track on the solid wood drawer. 但时间已经不容许我耽搁。美好而平静的人生，总会有些涟漪，就当这是一次试炼吧。 But time allows no further delay. A beautiful and peaceful life always has some ripples. Just call this a trial. 我一瘸一拐地下楼，开车，上路。 I limped my way downstairs and drove off. 一路上还算顺利，就是红灯有点多。开在长安街，望着大道中央新更换的金黄色护栏，我心中一直在琢磨。据说这东西可以防止多少吨的卡车撞击，变形还能自己弹回来。心中蠢蠢欲动，总想去试试，好在这个愚蠢的念头很快被压制住了。 The traffic was okay, except for quite a number of red lights. Driving on the Chang'an Avenue and looking at the newly replaced golden guardrail, I kept wondering. It's said that this guardrail is strong enough to withstand the impact of trucks of tons of weight, and it can recover back into its shape after deformation. I felt some itch and an urge to try. Glad that this stupid thought got quickly suppressed. 因为我得花一半精力在驾驶，另外一半精力在脚趾头上。是的，它还在疼，而且巧妙地把疼痛控制在“疼死我了”和“还不至于去医院”之间的烈度。 Because I had to concentrate half my mind on driving and the other half on my toe. Yes, it was still hurting, and delicately setting the intensity between "OMG I'm dying" and "no need to go to the clinic yet". 总之我运气还好，在北大妇幼和北大人民医院的两件事都顺顺当当办完了。 Anyway I was lucky enough to have the two appointments at both hospitals smoothly done. 我看看时间，十一点出头，差不多该约人吃饭了。我朋友住在西直门附近的很多，而且都是那种关系好到不用预约电话随叫随到的朋友。 I checked the time. Just a little past eleven. It's about time to call someone out for lunch. I have many friends living in the Xizhimen neighborhood, all good friends close enough to be on call. “喂，我来西边办事啦？你在百万庄吗？中午一起吃饭吧？“ "Hi, I am here on the west side. You are at Baiwanzhuang? Lunch together?" “哎呀，我已经出门了，中午去给一个长辈过生日。” "Uh-oh, I'm out already. Birthday party for an elder relative." “喂，我来西边办事啦？你在宽街吗？中午一起吃饭吧？” "Hi, I am here on the west side. You are at Kuanjie? Lunch together?" “我在唐山，再见！” "I'm at the Tangshan city. Bye!" “我来西边办事啦？你在天文馆附近吗？中午一起吃饭吧？ "I am here on the west side. You are near the Planetarium? Lunch together?" “老子搬到西二旗啦！哈哈哈哈，你愿意过来我请客。” "I moved to Xi'erqi! Hahaha, I buy you lunch if you come over." “我来西边办事啦？你在小西天吗？中午一起吃饭吧？” "I am here on the west side. You are at Xiaoxitian? Lunch together?" “……嗯……昨儿通宵，还没醒呢……” "... Uh... stayed up whole night and I'm still sleeping..." “我来西边办事啦？我记得你不是周六在西直门上日语课吗？中午一起吃饭吧？” "I am here on the west side. I remember you have Japanese class Saturday at Xizhimen? Lunch together?" “我下午才上呢，撒哟娜拉！” "My class is in the afternoon. Sa-you-na-ra!" “我昨天看你微博在北京组织活动，来了没？中午一块？” "I saw on Weibo yesterday that you are organizing an event at Beijing. Already here yet? Lunch together?" “是我组织活动，可不代表我人必须得在北京啊……” "It is me organizing but that doesn't mean I have to be at Beijing myself physically..." “我来西边办事啦。中午一起吃饭吧？你中午没事吧？不许说有事！“ "I am here on the west side. Lunch together? You free this noon? Don't say no!" “老子在家等订购的家具。现在还没到！我正跟他们吵呢！你也想跟我吵吗？！！！” "I am waiting at home for the furniture I ordered and it's not arriving yet! I am arguing with them now! You want me to yell at you too?!!" 全灭。 All out. 我的友情全灭了。 All my friendships died out. 我默默地挂掉电话，伏在方向盘上，望着车窗外飞驰而过的车流，感觉到友情灯火在次第熄灭，最后世界陷入一片黑暗，只剩下孤独而忧郁的我，矗立在荒芜的沙漠中，慢慢干涸。 I quietly hung up and crouched on my steering wheel. Looking at the darting traffic outside my window, I felt my friendships were snubbed one after another. In the end the world sunk into darkness, leaving the lonely and sullen me towered on the barren desert and drying out. 美好而平静的人生，总会有些涟漪，就当这是一次试炼吧。 A beautiful and peaceful life always has some ripples. Just call this a trial. 好吧，只好自己吃午饭了。 Alright, lunch alone. 自己吃是一件很难的事。我厌恶那些快餐，但是吃正餐的话，一个人又太少了，不好点菜。我把西直门附近地图在心中扫描了一下，发现只有平安里附近的浦安拉面最合适。 It's actually quite hard to dine alone. I abhor those fast food outlets, but as for full course, only one person is a headcount too few to make proper orders. I scanned in my mind the map of the Xizhimen area and its surroundings, and found that only the Pu'an Ramen restaurant near Ping'anli was the most suitable. 那家店是日式拉面非常非常小，隐藏在平安里地铁旁边，不认真根本找不到。它的台子是U形的，非常适合独客。更重要的是，老板是个拥有拉面之魂的师傅，做出来的东西非常好吃，尤其是太肉和溏心蛋，堪称一绝。这不是硬广 Hard sell，也不是软广product placement, 而是一个客观事实。看到这里认为我是在做广告的傻逼，请自觉滚出去。我今天的心情不太好，至于为什么心情不太好，你们往下看就知道了。 This Japanese ramen restaurant is extremely small and hides somewhere next to the Ping'anli subway station. You have to be really careful to find it. It has a U-shaped bar table, which is a nice fit for eating alone. Most important of all, the chef instills his spirit in ramen and makes great food. Especially the marbled pork and soft-boiled egg are basically stunts. This ain't hard sell, neither product placement, but a fact. Reading here any idiot that thinks I am posting an ad should fuck off. I am not having a good mood today. As for why, you'll know as you read along. 我日常活动范围在东边，它在西边，能来吃的机会不多。现在，是一个绝好的机会。 I am normally on the east side and this place is on the west, so there is few chance that I can come over and dine in. It is now a perfect opportunity. 我想到这里，突然变得开心起来。我的头顶，“孤独的美食家”五个字在熠熠生辉。我太兴奋了，以至于很快才反应过来那是六个字。 Thinking here, I suddenly felt delighted. The word "lonely gourmet" was shining above my head. I was so excited that I realized it's a phrase only until real quick. 甚至我都想好了发微博的内容：孤独的美食家，在无人理睬的京城寻觅着属于自己的感动。孤独是一味神奇的调味料，无论感动还是忧郁，都无人倾听，就像是在幕布后独奏的小提琴手…… I even drafted my Weibo post: the lonely gourmet is seeking his own emotional touch in the Capital City where no one hears. Loneliness is a wonderful condiment, regardless of affection or depression, no one is hearing, just like the solo violinist behind the curtain... 哎呀，真是清新的不得了。 Wow, that is so refreshing. 即使全世界都抛弃了我，毕竟还有美食陪伴啊。 Even if the whole world ditched me, I still had cuisine as my company. 我想着这些事情，开车到了浦安拉面门口，看到了那整洁精致的日式挂帘……以及中国式的卷帘门。 Thinking of these, I drove to the front door of Pu'an Ramen, saw the exquisite Japanese curtain... and the Chinese roller shutter. 没开业！！ Not open!! 居然没开业！！ Not freaking open!! 该怎么形容我当时的心情呢？那大概就像是陷入苏军包围的保卢斯请求元首增援时，希特勒却给他空投了一个元帅权杖。 How should I describe that feeling? Probably as if when Paulus was besieged by the Soviet and asked for back up from the Führer, then Hilter parachuted him a marshal's mace. 我悲愤地抄起手机，发了条微博，哭诉我的遭遇。我的手指一直在颤抖，心里无比委屈。 I grabbed my cellphone in grievance and sent a Weibo post to cry out on my encounter. My fingers kept shivering and my heart felt unfair. 美好而平静的人生，总会有些涟漪，就当这是一次……不，好几次试炼吧。 A beautiful and peaceful life always has some ripples. Just call this a... uh, a few trials. 哭诉归哭诉，但午饭还是要吃的。我收拾了一下心情，把从平安里到三联书店这一路比较合适的馆子罗列了一下，发现合适的寥寥无几。 Despite the gripes, I must still get lunch. I managed to chill off a bit, enumerated suitable restaurants along the way from Ping'anli to the SDX bookstore, and found few options. 最终我选择了悦宾饭馆。这是在美术馆对面小胡同里的一家小馆子。别看馆子小，一进门，能看见一幅字画，落款是陈云。这家号称是中国改革开放京城第一家私人饭馆。这么多年，也不扩张，门脸也不装修，只服务附近街坊，知道的人不多。蒜泥肘子和锅塌豆腐极美味，还特便宜。 Eventually I decided on Yuebin. This is a small restaurant inside an alley across the street to NAMOC. Don't belittle it, as you step in you'll see a painting with Chen Yun's signature. This place is said to be the first private restaurant ever since the reform and opening-up of China. It never branched out, nor did any renovation, only served its neighbors and was not widely known. Garlic pork and tofu omelet are extremely yummy, and super inexpensive. 这个也不是广告，谢谢。 This ain't ad either, thanks. 因为我最后没去成。 Because I didn't go in the end. 不是因为人家没开门，而是因为一个可笑的心理因素。 Not because they were not open, but because of a stupid psychology. 曾经有这么一个心理测试：一大片麦田，让你走进去，让你摘下里面最大的麦穗，但只有一次机会，而且不许走回头路。有人看到第一个觉得大的麦穗，就会赶紧摘，看到后面有更大的，追悔莫急。有人一直憋到最后，却错过前头大的，只能摘一小的。 There was a psychological test: one was sent into a giant wheat field and given only one opportunity to pick the biggest wheat head, no backtracking allowed. Some rushed to pick the very first that appeared big but regretted badly when seeing bigger ones later on. Some others held on till the very end but missed out the big ones at the start and had to snatch a small one. 我就是第一种人。 I am of the first kind. 三联书店附近不太好停车，我从美术馆后街开过来，发现路边居然有一个空车位。这个空车位离三联有点远，离悦宾就更远了。如果我往前开，前头未必有停车位，等我掉头回来，车位肯定被人抢了。但如果我把车停在这，步行过去会特别远，而且前头万一还有空位呢？岂不后悔。 Parking spots near SDX are highly competitive. I drove my way out from the NAMOC backstreet and noted that there's surprisingly a roadside spot. This one is a bit far from SDX and even farther from Yuebin. If I drive ahead, there's no guarantee an empty spot will be waiting for me, and by the time I drive back here, this one is absolutely taken. But if I park here, I will have to walk quite some distance, and what happens if there another empty spot? How sore will that be. 我纠结了半天，还是把车停在这里了。我隐隐觉得今天有点不顺，还是尽量抓住眼前的小确幸吧。 I struggled for a while and parked right in. Somehow I felt this was just not my day. Might as well just secure as much as possible any tiny beautiful thing. 我还带着笔记本电脑，懒得走到美术馆那边去了，决定放弃悦宾，附近找一家吧。这附近没啥正经东西，我胡乱选了一家牛肉面，不求美味，只求填饱肚子。这家的牛肉面乏善可陈，我觉得不太够，又叫了两个大串儿。擦擦嘴，肚子饱了，就那么回事吧。 I was still carrying my laptop and didn't want to bother walking to the NAMOC side, so I decided to drop Yuebin and look for something nearby. Nothing worth mentioning actually. Out of random I stepped in a beef noodle parlor, forgot about cuisine and focused on fighting starvation. The beef noodle was not worthy of any comment. The noodle didn't yet fill me so I order two more kebab. I wiped my lips, felt stuffed, just like that. 如果你们希望的话，我倒可以给这家店做做广告。 If you'd wish, I might make an ad for this shop. 人生就是这样了，你憧憬很多高大上的理想，但只要态度稍微一松懈，最终混得就那么回事——这都是你自己找的。 La vie est comme ça. You have lots of grandiose heavenly dreams, but as soon as you slack off the slightest, you get reduced down to the muddy earth—and you earned it, all as you deserve. 我吃饱了，掏出手机，决定刷一下微博。虽然我知道点赞的人多，同情的人少，但说不定有那么两三个人能为我掬一把泪呢。 I was full, took out my cellphone and decided to check on my Weibo. I knew there would be floods of likes and trickles of sympathy, but maybe there could be one or two that shed some tears for me. 我打开微博，入眼第一条就是浦安拉面老板在我下面发的评论。 The first thing in sight was the comment of Pu'an ramen's chef under my post. “真抱歉！我们比较“懒”，中午12点才开门的。” "I'm very sorry! We're kinda lazy, only open from 12PM." 而我那条抱怨没开门的微博发布时间，是11:27…… But my grunt about their not opening was posted at 11:27... 真抱歉！我们比较“懒”，中午12点才开门的 "I'm very sorry! We're kinda lazy, only open from 12PM." 真抱歉！我们比较“懒”，中午12点才开门的 "I'm very sorry! We're kinda lazy, only open from 12PM." 真抱歉！我们比较“懒”，中午12点才开门的 "I'm very sorry! We're kinda lazy, only open from 12PM." 这一行字如弹幕一样在我视网膜前飞舞，挥之不去，我为什么不耐心多等半个小时啊！！！！！！！ This line persisted in front of my eyes like an unfading subtitle shuttling on a pool table. Why didn't I just patiently wait for an extra half hour!!!!!!!! 美好而平静的人生，总会有些涟漪，就当这是好几次试炼吧。 A beautiful and peaceful life always has some ripples. Just call this a few trials. 我简直沮丧到了极点，这时候最需要的，是家人的安慰。 I was extremely depressed and urgently needed consolation from my family. 媳妇和马小烦在外地，我打电话过去没人接，大概是臭东西睡了，手机调成静音。 My wife and my son Fretty were out of town. I called and no one answered. Most likely the kiddo was asleep and the cellphone was muted. 但我可以打给妈妈。 But I could call mom. 虽然明天是母亲节，但我可以今天就祝她节日快乐呀。 Even though it was still one day ahead of mother's day, I could wish her happy holiday in advance. 我拨通了她的电话，准备了一腔的甜言蜜语。她一定会摸着我的头，安慰我。 I dialed her number and prepared a bucket of sweet words. She would definitely caress my hair and comfort me. 电话接通了，我努力让自己的声音听上去很快乐： The phone went through. I tried to sound cheerful. “妈妈，母亲节就要到啦，祝你节日快乐！” "Mom, mother's day is coming. Happy holiday!" “嗯，谢谢。” "Hmm, thanks." “妈妈！你最近还好吗？身体还好吗？” "Mom, how are you lately? Feeling all right?" “嗯，挺好。” "Hmm, fine." “妈妈，你想不想我呀？” "Mom, you miss me?" “想。” "Yeah." “……妈你打麻将呢对吧？” "...mom you playing Mahjong right?" “呵呵。” "Right." “妈再见……” "Mom bye..." 我和世界的联系，又被斩断了一根！ Another severance of my connection with the world, accomplished! 算了，什么都是虚幻的，稿子才是最现实的东西。如果我再拖下去，编辑恐怕会把我杀了。 Forget it. Nothing is real except my manuscript. If I keep procrastinating my editor would probably murder me. 我现在一点逛书店的心情都没有，于是拖着电脑包，来到旁边的雕刻时光。 I had absolutely no mood to tour the bookstore so I dragged my laptop bag and walked into the SIT coffee next door. 里面人不算多，但所有的沙发全都满了，只剩下硬木椅。 Not many people inside but all couches were taken, leaving only wooden chairs. 随便啦。 Whatever. 叫了好多声服务员，才姗姗来迟。 The waiter arrived only after my calling so many times. 随便啦。 Whatever. 连续点了三样，都没有，我只好选了香蕉酸奶。 On the menu three picks in a row were all not available. I could only then go for banana yogurt. 随便啦。 Whatever. 死活连不上WIFI，上不了网。 Somehow WiFi just didn't connect so no internet. 随便啦。比起我之前的遭遇，这根本只是小挫折。别以为这样就有资格被称为命运的涟漪，你还不够惨知道吗？ Whatever. Compared with my encounters earlier, these are only trivial setbacks. Don't even think about being qualified as "ripples of fate", this is way too far from miserable enough you know? 旁边是一男三女，不知是相亲还是聚会，男生在不夸耀自己有多厉害，不时引起惊叹。另外一侧是两男一女，都四十多岁，神情都很严肃。过不多时，一男一女走了，剩下一个男的不停地打电话，似乎是家庭纠纷。远处两个小姑娘兴奋地聊着她们创业的计划，一个记者在采访一位穿着时尚的……基佬，我猜的。 Next to me were one guy and three women, maybe a blind date or a party, the guy kept boasting of himself and drew exclamations. On the other side were two men and a woman, all in their forties and looking grim. Soon later the woman and one man left, the remaining guy then kept phone calling, looked like family conflict. Farther away, two young girls were chitchatting in excitement about their start-up plan, and a reporter was interviewing a fashion-looking... gay, I guess. 总之，在世情百态之间，我沉下心来，开始写稿子。 Anyway, among the motley of human scenes, I calmed down and started writing. 这次赶稿效率不错，我想这一半要得益于我过于沮丧的心情，另外一半则要归功于那该死的无法连上的WIFI。上不了网，才能让一个人心无旁骛。 My writing was efficient, maybe partly thanks to my gloomy mood and the other part thanks to the damned WiFi disconnection. Concentration comes from deprivation of internet. 写累了，我又玩了一会儿FTL。 I felt somewhat tired and played FTL for a while. 这是一个星际航行类的游戏，你扮演一个舰长，要选择不同的系统和武器，穿越一个又一个星系，很好玩。 This is a star trekking game. One plays the captain and chooses among systems and weapons to travel through galaxies one after another. It's real fun. 详细规则我就不介绍了。总之，我辛辛苦苦攒了很大一笔钱，给我的飞船配备了传送装置和战斗力超强的船员。按正常趋势，我应该可以大杀四方了，除非碰到星云，它们会屏蔽掉我的侦查设备，让我变成瞎子。 I skip the detailed game rules. Anyway, I worked my ass off to save a lump of money and equipped my spaceships with teleporting devices and super powerful crew members. Normally I should be able to slaughter around in whatever way I wish, unless I run into nebulae, which could shield off my sensors and make me blind. 然后我连续碰到三个星系，全是星云！！ Then I ran across three galaxies in a row that were all nebulae!! 我苦心孤诣打造出的战术，没发挥一点作用就废了。 The strategy that I took pains to deploy got busted before contributing a grain of gain. 我愤怒到了极点，怒而把电脑关掉。 I was furious, so enraged that I shut off the laptop. 真正的高潮在这里。 Now came the best part. 因为我之前写的稿子，忘记存盘了。 I forgot to save the manuscript that I wrote earlier. 等到我再启动以后，WORD告诉我，只追回了自动保存的一小部分。 After I rebooted, WORD told me that only a small part of it was recovered. WORD问我要恢复吗？ WORD asked me did I wish to recover it. 我鬼使神差地点了个不。 For no reason I clicked no. 为毛啊！！！！！！！！神经病啊！！！！！！！！！！我的手到底怎么了！！！！！！！是谁在控制我的身体啊！！！！是那美好而平静的人生吗？？是美好而平静的人生里泛起的那些涟漪吗？！！！！ Why was that!!! What the hell!!! What's wrong with my hand!!! Who was manipulating my body!!! The beautiful and peaceful life?? The ripples in the beautiful and peaceful life?!!! 混蛋啊！！ Asshole!! 等到我的朋友如约而至，我已经心如死灰一般。 By the time my friend arrived for appointment I already felt like corpse. 我们谈完了事情，他邀请我去附近的俱乐部去看一部微电影的发布，我谢绝了，我对命运绝望了，而且我还得去机场接一个人。 We finished our talk. He invited me to a club nearby to attend the release of a microfilm. I declined him. I already lost faith in fate, besides I still needed to pick up a friend at the airport. 我开车出来不久，接到对方电话，航班延误，还没起飞，不用我折腾了。 Soon after I drove off I received a call saying that the flight got delayed and had not taken off yet, so my pick up trip could be cancelled. 这是这一整天来我唯一听到的好消息——对不起——因为我现在只想回家，蜷缩在安全的辈子里嘤嘤地哭。 This was the only good news throughout the day—excuse me—because right now I only wanted to go back home, curl myself safely in the livens 【1】 and sob. 我有一个8G的SD卡，可以在车里放。我在里面装了各种音乐，种类庞杂，喜欢开车时随机播放。 I have an SD card of 8GB size. I put all sorts of music in it for random play while driving. 我开车上路，把音乐打开，让它尽情随机。 I drove my way and turned music on, letting randomness take control. 第一首是二泉映月。 The first one was "The Moon over a Fountain". 第二首是gloomy Sunday。 The second one was "Gloomy Sunday". 我恨恨地切掉，很快电脑给我随机到第三首。 I cut them in resentment. Very soon the computer set on the third random tune. 老三国演义的插曲《哭孔明》。 "Tears for Kongming", the interlude in the old "The Three Kingdoms" TV series. 我还没来得及切，刘欢那凄凉悲怆的声音响彻整个车内： Before my hand could shift, the bleak and mournful voice of Liu Huan reverberated inside my car: 苍天啊 Oh my sky 你为何急匆匆将他交与秋风 Why your wind rushed to take him away 大地啊 Oh my earth 你为何急匆匆将他揽入怀中 Why can't you spare him just one more day 苍你妹啊！！！大你妹啊！！！！美好而平静的人生，不该是这样的啊！！ Screw you sky!!! Screw you earth!!! The beautiful and peaceful life ain't supposed to be like this!! 我索性关掉音响，专心开车。 I simply shut off the stereo and focused on driving. 很快，我觉得有点不对劲。 Soon I felt something wrong. 不是外部的世界，而是我内心的世界。 Not the outside, but my inner world. 准确地时候，是肚子有点不对劲了。 To be precise, it's the tummy having something wrong. 它先是蠕动一下，然后发出咕噜咕噜的声音。然后肚子里似乎打开了一个异世界的大门，外星生物们和穿着迷彩服的拆迁办工作人员争先恐后涌进来，搅得天翻地覆。 It started with a wriggle and then gave a gurgling sound. After that it was like in my gut a dimension door got opened, from which both relocation officers dressed in BDU and alien creatures rushed inside and turned everything upside-down. 放个屁大概就没事了，我心想。 One fart and should be fine then, I thought. 但很快我发现自己太天真了。这次的闹腾，应该相当有内容，我感觉得到，而且隐隐看到了未来，不是明媚的金黄色，不是忧伤的蓝色，甚至不是绝望的灰色或激烈的红色，而是黄褐色的。 Immediately I found myself too naive. This uproar seemed to have plenty of content. I could sense and had vaguely seen the future. The color was not warm yellow, not melancholic blue, not even despairing gray or bloody red, but brown. 肚子闹的不激烈，但很有节奏感，一顿一顿的。仿佛在肠子里有一条蛇，一下下地撞击着下方，要破体而出。 The belly disruption was not fierce, but quite rhythmic, stepping on beats, as if there's a snake inside the intestine banging down and trying to break out. 我在脑中飞快地回顾，究竟是那家店的烤串出了问题，还是下午点的那杯香蕉酸奶起了作用。 I quickly reflected whether it was the kebab or the banana yogurt. 一个人去咖啡馆，就有这个问题。你不敢去上厕所，一走东西就没了，所以我一下午都坐在那里，没动过。 This is the problem with going to the coffee shop alone. You dare not going to the toilet since stuff gets stolen the moment you leave. So I sat still for the whole afternoon. 下午欠的账，现在到了还的时候。 And it's now time to pay that back. 究竟是什么原因，我不想追究了，因为我必须解决更为严峻的问题。 I no longer wanted to trace back to the exact cause, because I had more serious problem to deal with. 我当时所处的位置，距离家只有两公里。我在主路上，前方一下辅路就是我家。 I was only two kilometers from home. I was on the express road and taking right off from the next exit onto the byroad could then lead me home. 但这一段路，此时挤满了各种大小的车辆，纹丝不动。 But this road section was now jammed with vehicles of all sizes, nothing budging a bit. 注意我的口型，因为我没有余力说第二次：纹丝不动。 Notice my lips, because I had no remaining energy to speak twice, "nothing budging a bit". 接下来这个话题说起来略有不雅，鉴于当前我国在文化领域的大好形势，我换一个风雅的说法，用宝来代替那个字。 This later topic is going to be somewhat obscene. In view of the current prosperity in the literature area of our mother country, I will use a more decent alias and use "gold" in the place of that word. 我们来说说憋宝吧。 We talk about holding gold. 我相信每个人都有过憋宝的经历，应该知道这种行为有多么煎熬。 I believe everybody experienced holding gold before and knows how much torture that is. 它是一个生理问题，同时也是一个精神问题。你何时达到极限，往往取决于外部环境的变化。一次不经意的拍肩，一段潺潺的流水声，一个意外的电话，都有可能让你功亏一篑。甚至有些人已经成功地奔到了厕……呃，宝所门前，因为即将得到解脱而精神松懈，结果瞬间崩溃，倒在了离成功最近的地方。 It is physiological, but also psychological. Often times the external environment may determine when you arrive at your limit. An unexpected pat on the shoulder, the murmuring flow of water, an surprising phone call, can all fail you right on the verge. Some people even already rushed into the doorsteps of the wash... uh vault, but relaxed too early when seeing the upcoming liberation, then cracked and fell right before success. 我现在所处的环境，就憋宝来说，不算太坏。纹丝不动固然绝望，但让人信念更加坚定；而且离家很近，总会给人以希望。 As for where I was right now, it's not too bad for holding gold. The motionless traffic was despairing but also reaffirming. Besides, I was not too far from home and there's still lingering hope. 我握紧方向盘，盯紧前方的每一个空隙，脚下蓄势待发。我的感官和反应速度在这一刻爆种，只要前方有一个空挡，我就要抢过去，无论旁边是滑雪前的舒马赫还是藤原家豆腐店的公子，我都不可以失败。 I gripped my steering wheel firmly, eyeing on every single gap before me, feet ready to pedal at any second. At this moment my sensing and reacting capacity blew the scale. I took up any free space emerging in front of me. No failure allowed regardless of my neighbor racer, be it Schumacher before skiing or the boy of the Fujiwara Tofu Store. 从技巧上来说，憋宝是个矛盾的存在。它既需要你转移注意力去别的地方，又需要你调动全部注意力去阻截，去劝回，去截访。 Holding gold is contradictory in terms of technique. On one hand attention needs to be diverted elsewhere, but on the other hand, all attention must be mobilized to obstruct, to discourage, to intercept. 我居然还有余力在想。究竟是在公交车上憋宝痛苦，还是坐在自己的车里憋宝痛苦。 I even had the nerve to contemplate whether holding gold is more painful in a bus or in my own car. 公交车上不需要开车，可以集中精力截访。缺点是周围人多，而且自己无法控制车辆速度。 Driving is waived on bus so attention can be focused on intercepting. The drawback though is too many people surrounding and that the speed of the bus is not under control. 自己的车，可以获得最大限度的掌控，同时也意味着更大的责任。在你憋宝的时候，不得不分出很大一部分精力来观察路面，协调手脚，随时关注可能出现的行人和自行车，以及确保自己没有违章。 Personal vehicle means maximum control and correspondingly greater responsibility. While holding gold, a large part of energy must be allocated to observe traffic, coordinate driving, stay alert for any pedestrian or bicycle that may come out of nowhere at any second, and make sure on not breaking traffic rules. 宝的涌动感越发强烈，每次涌动间隔的时间也越来越短。有那么几次，我觉得自己真的不行了，眼光开始在车里扫描，看有什么东西可以暂时垫一下。 The surges of gold were growing increasingly stronger, and the interval was getting shorter. A few times there I thought I really couldn't make it. I started looking around in my car to see if there's anything that can pad for the moment. 哪怕是马小烦的尿布也好。 Even Fretty's diaper would be great. 我的手臂在发抖，汗如雨下，呻吟声从口中发出来，虚弱不堪。意志力的马奇诺防线岌岌可危，好在那些宝不像德国人那么狡猾，会绕路。它们是典型的虫族作战，疯狂地冲击，直到敌人彻底崩溃。而且憋宝比虫族更可怕的是，虫族还可以被消灭被打成宝，但宝已经是宝了，你没法再把它们打成宝了。消灭宝的唯一途径，就是让它们滚出身体，但这恰恰是我极力要推迟的。 My arms were shaking, sweat streaming, throat groaning, frail as if crumbling. The Maginot Line of my will was at jeopardy. Lucky that the gold was not like the cunning German that took detour. The gold is typical Zerg that keeps striking until the enemy crashes down. But gold is more horrible than Zerg in that Zerg can be busted into gold, whereas gold is gold already: there's no further transformation down the chain. The only way to destroy gold is to expel them out of the body, but that is exactly what I am trying my best to put off. 谁都知道早晚是要爆发的，我也知道这无法避免。但我只求暂时的安稳，把眼前暂时先对付过去再说。 Everyone knows that it blows up sooner or later. I know that inevitable ending too, but I'm only wanting temporary stability, to ride it over for the moment. 这不就是维稳吗？维稳你懂吧？ Isn't this just peace-faking? Superficial harmony, you know what I mean? 我开始用头撞方向盘，希望用疼痛来缓解压力，不过当我觉得震动反而有促进作用时，立刻不敢动了。 I started pounding my head against the steering wheel, trying to depressurize with pain. But I froze as soon as I realized the pounding vibration actually promoted. 然后我的车适时碾过路面的一个凸起，咣当震动了一下。 Then my tires so timely rolled over a small bulge on the road and bounced lightly. 有如一记重拳狠狠打在我的肚子上，宝距离井喷只有那么一点点距离了。 That was like a killer punch into my gut. Gold was that close to erupt. 我榨取着身上每一分精力，紧皱眉头，咬牙切齿，把所有的经费都拨去维稳。 I squeezed every bit of energy from my body, frowning hard, gnashing firm, directing every available resource to keep the superficially peaceful harmony. 就在这时，电话响了。 Right that moment, the phone rang. 电话响了。 The phone rang. 电话响了。 The phone rang. 电话响了。 The phone rang. 电话响了。 The phone rang. 电话响了。 The phone rang. 我抬起头，是媳妇打来的，她一定是看到我下午的未接呼叫了。 I raised my head and saw it was my wife. She must have seen my call in the afternoon that she missed. 我颤抖着手想把它挂掉，丝毫不考虑后果。这时候爱情也罢亲情也罢统统不重要了，我的灵魂可以卖给贾斯汀比伯！ With my trembling hand I tried to hung it up, without a tinge of consideration on the consequences. At this point, let love, family and whatever all go to hell. My soul could offered to Justin Bieber to sell! 但是我按错了键，电话接通了。对于这个失误，说实话，我一点都不奇怪…… But I pressed the wrong key and the call went through. As for this unforced error, honestly speaking I was not at all surprised... 媳妇问我，相公你有什么事？ My wife asked, honey what's up? 我从牙缝里挤出几个字：回家再说…… I squeezed words from between my teeth: wait until home.... 你是在外面开车吗？ You driving outside? 是…… Yeah... 什么事呀？先告诉我嘛。 What is it? Just tell me now. 不…… No... 别卖关子了，快说啦说啦好不啦！ Don't keep me guessing. Just tell me, tell me! 不…… No... 你不是在和别的女人车震吧？ You not banging other woman in your car right? 车震是我现在最要避免的东状况！！别提震这个字！我在内心狂吼。 Bang is what I've been avoiding the most right now. Don't mention this word! I screamed in my mind. 你到底怎么了？好奇怪呀。 What's going on with you? Weird. 声音消失了，我已经没余力挂电话了，只盼着她那边能挂掉。 The voice faded. I have no strength to hung up and was merely expecting her to cut it. 可声音又回来了，这次是马小烦的咕噜咕噜声，这是他现在唯一会说的话。 But voice came back again. This time it was the gurgling sound of Fretty, which was the only sound he knew how to pronounce. 烦烦，跟爸爸说话呀，叫爸爸，叫爸爸。媳妇谆谆教导。 Fretty, speak to daddy. Say daddy, say daddy. My wife was coaching with patience. 咕噜咕噜，咕噜咕噜。 Gurgle, gurgle. 求求你不要发出这种声音了，我叫你爸爸都行！ I beg you stop this kind of sound. I can call you daddy! 很快对面又换成媳妇：你到底怎么了？ Soon it turned to my wife again: what exactly is going on with you? 我觉得再不解释，会有大麻烦，可一开口，一个痛苦的呻吟先夺口而出。 I felt that I would be in big trouble if I kept on shunning. But a painful moan came out first before I said a word. 你怎么了？怎么了？哪里伤到了吗？媳妇开始有点惊慌。 What's wrong? How are you? Are you hurt? My wife started to somewhat panic. 回家再说…… Later back home... 你没事吧？可不要硬撑着啊？到底什么事啊？急死我了！媳妇有点带哭腔。 You okay? Forcing yourself? What the hell is it? I am so worried! My wife sounded somewhat tearful. 一阵暖意升上胸膛，果然我还是被人关心着的。我决定还是吐露实情，有什么艰难，夫妻之间都要一同承担一同分享，相濡以沫。 My heart felt warm. Finally someone still cared about me. I decided to confess. Whatever hardship is to be shared between and carried together by the couple, just like in our wedding vow. 我说：我，我堵在路上，车里……憋着一泡宝，快憋不住了…… I said: I, I got stuck on the road, in our car... I'm holding gold and I'm almost failing... 嘟嘟嘟嘟 Beep, beep... 媳妇？ Honey? 嘟嘟嘟嘟，这是电话里传来的声音。 Beep. Beep. That was the only sound coming from the phone. 说好的相濡以沫呢！！！！！！！ Where's the wedding vow that was promised! 几经折磨，我终于突破了重重包围，把车开下了辅路。这短短半小时里，我的驾驶技艺达到了人生的巅峰，没有失误，没有差错，行云流水……呃，咱们先不用这个词了，别刺激。 After many setbacks, I finally broke through the layers of vehicles and drove onto the byroad. Within this transient half hour, my driving skills mounted to lifetime perfection, no fault, no slip, total fluency... uh, not this word yet right now. Too lubricating. 车停楼下，我飞身下去，以极快的速度冲向楼道。 Parking right on, I jumped off and dashed towards our apartment entry. 行百里者半九十，我可不能败在终点。 Ninety percent is only midway. I must not fail right before the end. 我冲到楼道口，毫无停滞，一个极其漂亮的转身，再度向车跑去。 I sprinted to our apartment entry, made a fabulously gymnastic U-turn with no stagnation, and ran to my car again. 我他妈忘带家钥匙了！ I fucking forgot my door key! 从车里拿出钥匙，我的精神濒临崩溃。 Snatching the key from my car, I was on the verge of melting down. 因为我刚才算好了距离，分配好了所剩无几的精神力，恰好够我抵达厕……不，宝所。一忘带钥匙，多出几十米的路，计划全乱了。 Because I calculated the distance before and allocated my barely remaining power enough for me to arrive at the wash... no, vault. Forgetting the key added me tens of extra meters to walk and fucked my plan completely. 诚如纱织对星矢所说，你就算没有体力了，但还有生命可以燃烧。 Just like Saori told Seiya, even if you run out of power, you still have your own life to burn. 我一路燃烧着生命，哀鸣着爬着楼梯。遇神杀神，遇佛杀佛，遇外星人，杀外星人。 I burned my life along the way, howling as I climbed the stairs, as if I killed all opponents in my way and stepped over their dead body, be them God, Budda, alien. 千百年后，我的身影应该依然残留在其他住户的心目中。 My silhouette must still remain in the heart of other tenants after centuries or millennia. 插钥匙，扭动，开门，解皮带，入厕，褪裤子，放马桶圈，一系列动作一气呵成。 Plug key, turn, push door, unzip belt, shove in, drop pants, stool. Smooth as a combo slash. 太具体的描写就不说了，总之，在憋宝结束的那一瞬间，我觉得整个人几乎要飞升了。身体轻的不得了，灵感和感动霎时充斥灵魂，世间的一切困难都不再是阻碍，一切都是云烟。 I'll skip detailed descriptions. Anyway, the instant the holding was over, I felt heavenly rise. My body was weightless. My soul was enriched with inspiration and sensation. No difficulty in the world could impede anymore. Nothing was real. 真的，若论悟道，什么时候也没有这一刻得到的感悟多。 Seriously, talking about enlightenment, nothing could compare to the harvest from this moment. 渡劫成功，无非也就是这样了吧？ Surviving a disaster is no more than this, isn't it? 美好而平静的人生，回来了。 The beautiful and peaceful life, now came back. 什么冰毒啊，古柯碱啊，根本用不着冒那么大风险好吗？每天憋宝那么一两个钟头，再释放出来，那一瞬间的飘飘欲仙，比任何药物都来得强烈。 Meth, crack, screw them all, no point to risk that much okay? Every day just hold gold for an hour or two, and then let it off, the high in that moment must be more intense than any other drug. 事了穿衣去，深藏功与名。我走出厕所，觉得两条腿酥软无比，一头栽倒在沙发上，空虚——字面意义上的空虚，尤指肚子——而满足。 Wrapping up business I get dressed and leave, with my honor and identity disguising deep. I walked out of my washroom and found my legs flaccid. I collapsed into my couch, feeling empty—literally, especially the belly—and fulfilled. 我的一天，就是这样渡过的。 This is how my life went trough today. 【1】

【1】 TN: Both here and in the title the author wrote the typo "渡过" instead of "度过"，so the translation is set "went trough" in the place of the lexicologically correct "went through". Same for "辈子" and "被子", thus "livens" for "linens". This story has to be an epic in Chinese literature on cluster fuck—cluster shit to be exact.