Fuck My Life 精华版系列
Today, my "best friend" invited me to drink with her and a couple other friends. She told me to "just bring a few bucks for beer". When I got there, no one else had brought money, including her. They only invited me because I'm the only one with a job. FML
就因为娘的我有一份工作。
Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML
哈哈哈哈，这种男淫，掐死他，a week no sex.
Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML
有点二逼了。
Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I woudn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML
把自己套里头了不是。
Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML
忽略了细节。
Today, I babysat 3 year old twins. They have a huge dry erase board hanging inbetween their beds. After they fell asleep I drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When I went to erase it I realized it was in Sharpie. FML
我们事先总是忘记检查。*sharpie是一种不褪色的马克笔。
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks asshole. I got it." in plain english. FML
还有就是，别忽视我们亚裔。
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
哈哈哈
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be bitchy about it and say "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me. FML
扑哈哈
Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML
衰仔
Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML
这个太囧了
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
啊哈哈哈哈哈哈，下面是兄弟篇：
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML
这个人得膜拜一下
Today, my mom came to me and asked if I had drank her wine. I'm 16, so I lied and said "no". The next morning there was a DVD on my bed labeled "pool house security cameras- love mom." It was a video of me downing two bottles of red wine and having sex with my boyfriend. FML
才16岁，真难得
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
倒霉孩子呀
Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I decided I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML
我的Macbook Pro 17"!
Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
这个笑死我了
Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 2 hours with my boyfriend and the guy that I have been secretly having sex with for 6 months. FML
*暧昧地看着屏幕*
Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML
倒霉丫头
Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML
Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML
Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML
放屁就值得被炒了？
Today, I was called by my sons school. He had been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse, my handwriting looking like a 6 year olds or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention but I still have my dignity. FML
家长的虚伪 哈哈
Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear ended them and then got rear ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML
Today, I had to drink the most vile and disgusting medicinal treatments I could ever imagine. Then I had to drink it again when I threw up the first batch. FML
Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend. The first words out of my dad's mouth were "If my daughter sees your penis, I'll cut it off". FML
Today, my boyfriend found out he has an overuse injury on one of his fingers and has to wear a splint for a month. We went to a soccer game with my dad, who saw the splint and asked about it. After hearing the answer he asked my boyfriend if it was really that hard to get me off. FML
ok so my one friend got off of work to surprise his gf with a night out, when he walked into the house he didn't see her so he figured she was in the bed room when he got in the bed room he saw his girlfriend sitting on the bed naked with her legs spread and their dog licking her. he broke up with her, let her have to dog and started brushing his teeth, he was like i dont know how long ive been going down on her after the dog, lol(这个是我朋友讲的真事)
Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML
就因为娘的我有一份工作。
Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML
哈哈哈哈，这种男淫，掐死他，a week no sex.
Today, my band played its first real gig. It was going well, and I, the vocalist, thought it would be a good idea to stage dive. I underestimated the distance between the stage and the crowd and crashed into the floor. FML
有点二逼了。
Today, my boyfriend didn't come home from a night of drinking with the boys again, so I told him that I was packing my things and I woudn't be here when he came home. After all my things were packed, I realized he drove my car to the bar. FML
把自己套里头了不是。
Today, I forgot to do my French homework, but since it was an online worksheet, I told my teacher my internet wasn't working. I told her with an e-mail. FML
忽略了细节。
Today, I babysat 3 year old twins. They have a huge dry erase board hanging inbetween their beds. After they fell asleep I drew a very detailed and large drawing of a penis. When I went to erase it I realized it was in Sharpie. FML
我们事先总是忘记检查。*sharpie是一种不褪色的马克笔。
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks asshole. I got it." in plain english. FML
还有就是，别忽视我们亚裔。
Today, I was playing with my pet hamster and I decided to put it down my pants for fun. It started running around and I actually got aroused. My mom then proceeded to walk into my room to see me with an erection and my pet hamster poke his head out of the hole in my boxers. FML
哈哈哈
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me, so I decided to be bitchy about it and say "Did I say you could take a picture?" and he replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids." I turn around, and they were right behind me. FML
扑哈哈
Today, at work while washing the dishes I was told to go put some things into the big freezer at the back of the store. While doing so, the door closed behind me, so naturally I pushed it, only to have my wet hands freeze to the door. I yelled to my manager for 10 minutes before help came. FML
衰仔
Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML
这个太囧了
Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML
啊哈哈哈哈哈哈，下面是兄弟篇：
Today, while I was walking downtown a homeless person asked me for a dollar. I thought it would be funny to wave the dollar in his face and taunt him. I guess he thought it would be funny to stab me in the leg with a pencil. FML
Today, I woke up a little after seven. I felt sick to my stomach because last night was my bachelor party and I drank more than I ever have before. I checked my phone, and I had received 42 missed calls. It was seven o'clock pm. Today was my wedding day. FML
这个人得膜拜一下
Today, my mom came to me and asked if I had drank her wine. I'm 16, so I lied and said "no". The next morning there was a DVD on my bed labeled "pool house security cameras- love mom." It was a video of me downing two bottles of red wine and having sex with my boyfriend. FML
才16岁，真难得
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
倒霉孩子呀
Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I decided I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML
我的Macbook Pro 17"!
Today, I went to the movies with some girlfriends. The guy behind us was making these pervy, heavy breathing noises, so we threw some popcorn at him. When the movie finished, we saw him in a wheelchair - with a breathing tube sticking out of his neck. FML
这个笑死我了
Today, I got stuck in an elevator for 2 hours with my boyfriend and the guy that I have been secretly having sex with for 6 months. FML
*暧昧地看着屏幕*
Today, my boyfriend was coming over so I bought this sexy corset, some fishnets, silettos and see-through thong. After my dad left I dressed up and a few minutes later the doorbell rang. I answered it, whip in hand. It was my dad. He forgot his keys. Im grounded. FML
倒霉丫头
Today, at my cashier job, I got written up for accepting obviously photocopied coupons. Last week, I got written up for "inadequate customer service" because I refused to accept the same bogus coupons from the same customer. FML
Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML
Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML
放屁就值得被炒了？
Today, I was called by my sons school. He had been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse, my handwriting looking like a 6 year olds or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention but I still have my dignity. FML
家长的虚伪 哈哈
Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear ended them and then got rear ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML
Today, I had to drink the most vile and disgusting medicinal treatments I could ever imagine. Then I had to drink it again when I threw up the first batch. FML
Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML
Today, my dad met my boyfriend. The first words out of my dad's mouth were "If my daughter sees your penis, I'll cut it off". FML
Today, my boyfriend found out he has an overuse injury on one of his fingers and has to wear a splint for a month. We went to a soccer game with my dad, who saw the splint and asked about it. After hearing the answer he asked my boyfriend if it was really that hard to get me off. FML
ok so my one friend got off of work to surprise his gf with a night out, when he walked into the house he didn't see her so he figured she was in the bed room when he got in the bed room he saw his girlfriend sitting on the bed naked with her legs spread and their dog licking her. he broke up with her, let her have to dog and started brushing his teeth, he was like i dont know how long ive been going down on her after the dog, lol(这个是我朋友讲的真事)
Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML
