notes from a ridiculous man 10/11/11

                
                
（1）
今天晚上Janet问我们对这件手工装置的第一反应。“creepy" 有人在背后说道。大家沉默，盯着这一圈畸形扭曲丑陋的小怪物们。答案太简单了，”they are butch of haters"，我半开玩笑地回答，他们就是个小团体一起咒骂着任何一个站到这个圈中心的人。Janet说对，再让我们看那个外面的女孩，紧闭嘴唇，不像那圈里的人一样在咒骂着，她是孤独的，被排挤在外的。艺术家Anna drew potter回顾自己的童年经历：时常孤独，无法进入同龄人的圈子，来创作了这样一件手工装置作品。据说一个4岁半的小孩一下就看出这个所谓的”artist intention"了，大概是因为感同身受。
（2）
我也时常是孤独的。这句子我在小学的方格作文簿上就已经写下。原因是爸爸妈妈经常不在家。我认为一个人呆在家就是孤独。十几岁的时候，不知道孤独与不孤独的界限，因为那是一个没有自我思考能力的时期，生活被简单的对话和盲目的恋爱填满。我妈说'人要学会独处‘。我说’我一个人呆着就想看电视‘。frida说‘I paint self-portraits because I am so often alone, because I am the person I know best’。
（3）
今天晚上我想象自己在这个seminar group里面就是那个背对畸儿的女孩儿。因为我没法在那圈子里呆着。大家都是友好的，但是我就是没办法。今天早上我穿好一个灰色的衬衫一个深蓝色灯芯绒短裤一件灰色外套准备出门。我看镜子里的自己，太正常了，不安全。我换了80s棕色底白波点连衣裙和90s黑色大毛衣。这走在路上简直格格不入。但我觉得安全了，即使与人保持距离也有了理由，因为‘我看起来怪怪的’。在笔记本上我写下了当时的感受‘certain degree of eccentricity makes me feel safe'。The uncofortable feeling of not being part of the going-ons has gone. This is briiliant.
（4）
I used to get upset about appearing ridiculous. In fact, I didn't just appear ridiculous......I was, and I always have been. Actually, I think I've known it since the moment I was born. I went to school,then to university, but, the more I learnt, the more I realized how ridiculous I was......and the more I studied, the more obvious it became to me. So, the entire outcome of my education amounted to proving that I was absurd.
Meanwhile life was teaching me the same thing. Year by year I became more aware of it in every possible way, but i kept it to myself, the fact that i knew. Yet, as I reached adulthood, I began to face things more calmly. I think it was because it was dawning on me more clearly everyday that it didn't matter, that I didn't matter, that nothing mattered.
It was then that I stopped worrying about my fellow human beings. In fact, I stopped noticing them altogether. I walked down the street bumping into people. It wasn't that I was lost in thought; I'd long since given up thought. There was nothing worth thinking about, and nothing that I could do that could make any difference. No, it was simply that I'd stop caring.
                                                                                                                             --- guess who
  (5)
独处的时候如果无聊，T就开始抽大麻。和人呆着玩小游戏时候如果无聊，就一起抽大麻。一段时间的”high"过去了就又要补充新的来维持这个'high’的状态要不然就觉得无聊极了。我看这样无论是独处还是在人群里都是无聊的孤独的。可能这只是一个非上瘾者的不成熟的意见。 任何成瘾的东西都只是”the drug to soothe lonliness", 打电脑游戏是，酗酒是，have random sex也是。 独处和孤独都是美丽的，都应该被享受而不是虐杀。