suck english
1.Today I feel like a tampon. In a good place... at the wrong time.
2.I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a Father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted.
What kind of daughter charges her own father?
3.The only yellow people I love are simpsons.
4.A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"
5.A South Korean guy gets on a bus with his guide dog.
The bus driver says, "Sorry sir, no food or drink allowed on here."
6.My wife came home from the butchers with a pound of steak but unfortunately the bag had split at the bottom.
Unfortunately, because it reminded me of the time she tried on crotchless knickers.
7. I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
8. BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN
The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...
9.My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
10.I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake.
11.i hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:
"I'm on my period".
"I've got a headache"
or
"Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you".
12.I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning.
However, I've now lost my job on the emergency services desk.
13.When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.
14. Britain is one of the first nations to send search and rescue teams to Japan.
Probably because of all the experience gained during the 2.6 magnitude Stoke-on-Trent quake of 1963.
15.Japan news: Global penis length average grows as death toll rises.
16.BBC News - British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca.
Fuck, how high was that balcony!?
17.Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi's gone into hiding and has surrounded himself with forty virgins.
Well, at least we know he isn't hiding in Newcastle.
18.A 13 year old Belgian girl wrote to the advice column of a Teenager's magazine.
I am 13 years old and still a virgin, is my Dad queer?
19. I can't be the only guy who mentally adds my cock to the sight of a girl yawning.
20."I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk"
21.How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?
Phone her up and tell her about it!
22.I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
23.My ex-girlfriend was raped at the weekend. It has devastated us and cost us our relationship.
Looking back, asking, "Did you enjoy it?" and, "Was he better than me?" were probably not the most sensitive things I've ever said.
24.I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.
25.I said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said: Well, you've succeeded.
Cunt.
26.According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather trousers.
That actually works out rather well, since 100% of men who wear leather trousers don't like women.
27.My girlfriend claims that her last boyfriend was a better kisser than me.
I have to admit, he is pretty good.
28. My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
29. My girlfriend told me to call over to her house one day. When i arrived, I found her unbelievably sexy sister alone wearing just her underwear.
She whispered in my ear "I'm very horny, fuck me now"
I turned around and walked out of the front door and towards my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there and she hugged me and said "You have won my trust"
MORAL: It's always better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket.
30.Americans are now saying the earthquake in Japan is karma for Pearl Harbour.
I personally can't wait for the karma waiting to happen for Hiroshima and Nagasaki
31.I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly.
The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever.
The moment when I said "April fools!" and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground.
Gets her every year!
32. I was sacked today for having sex in the back of my taxi with a customer.
I say taxi...
...technically it's a hearse
33. In today's lesson, my history teacher asked us to imagine a newspaper headline from Japan, thirty years on from the disaster.
Judging by the look on her face, 'Woman raped by man with two cocks', wasn't what she was looking for.
34.As soon as my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant, I vowed that my child would be brought up in a stable household with two loving, married parents.
I do hope he gets on well with the couple who adopted him.
35I asked my wife: 'Why do you always watch those cooking shows? You cant even cook!'
She replied: 'Well you watch porn, don't you?'
36.What's the difference between rape and murder?
My mood.
37.Been sitting at work watching the horrible videos from Japan on my laptop.
Why do they always pixelate the private parts?.
38. I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.
"What are you doing?"
"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
39.Man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life -- later they split up and he says gimme the blood back -- she throws him a used tampon and says I'll pay you monthly ya bastard!
40. I had a few beers tonight and I was just climbing into bed when I thought to myself...
What cunt put my bed up the fucking tree.
41.Whats the most gullible thing a woman can believe?
Invisible Condoms.
42. As my wife stood perilously on the ledge, I screamed, "Don't do it. Don't jump, go back inside".
Luckily she saw sense and climbed back into the bedroom.
And that's where the fireman found her charred body.
43.Recently, I saw an article about Americans sending their old clothes over to the poor in Africa.
Pointless, I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
44. Baby, baby, baby ooh!
Mother: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mother: Oh thank goodness.
2.I read a story in the newspaper the other day about a Father who paid his daughter for sex. I was absolutely disgusted.
What kind of daughter charges her own father?
3.The only yellow people I love are simpsons.
4.A girl on a bus said she would suck me off for £5. When she finished, she wiped her mouth and lit a fag. I thought, "What is the world coming to? I mean who sells cigarettes to a 12-year-old?"
5.A South Korean guy gets on a bus with his guide dog.
The bus driver says, "Sorry sir, no food or drink allowed on here."
6.My wife came home from the butchers with a pound of steak but unfortunately the bag had split at the bottom.
Unfortunately, because it reminded me of the time she tried on crotchless knickers.
7. I'm not racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
8. BBC News: AMERICA TO SEND 2 NUCLEAR EXPERTS TO JAPAN
The last time they sent "Nuclear Experts" to Japan, they killed 105,000 people...
9.My girlfriend and I went to stay with her parents at the weekend, but her dad wouldn't let us sleep together.Which is a shame, because I really fancy him.
10.I recently came out to my best friend and told him I was gay.
He turned his back on me... That was his first mistake.
11.i hate some of the excuses women come up with for not having sex. Like:
"I'm on my period".
"I've got a headache"
or
"Get your hands off my neck I don't even know you".
12.I've managed to avoid around 50 April fools jokes this morning.
However, I've now lost my job on the emergency services desk.
13.When Barack Obama was giving his speech after being elected as president, he had to do it behind three inch thick bullet-proof glass.
I thought that was a bit harsh - just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone.
14. Britain is one of the first nations to send search and rescue teams to Japan.
Probably because of all the experience gained during the 2.6 magnitude Stoke-on-Trent quake of 1963.
15.Japan news: Global penis length average grows as death toll rises.
16.BBC News - British student dies two weeks after falling from a balcony in Majorca.
Fuck, how high was that balcony!?
17.Apparently, Colonel Gaddafi's gone into hiding and has surrounded himself with forty virgins.
Well, at least we know he isn't hiding in Newcastle.
18.A 13 year old Belgian girl wrote to the advice column of a Teenager's magazine.
I am 13 years old and still a virgin, is my Dad queer?
19. I can't be the only guy who mentally adds my cock to the sight of a girl yawning.
20."I'm a 14-year-old girl looking for a 45-55 year old man for online webcam fun. Email me: operationlolita@metpolice.uk"
21.How do you make your girlfriend cry while you are having sex?
Phone her up and tell her about it!
22.I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
23.My ex-girlfriend was raped at the weekend. It has devastated us and cost us our relationship.
Looking back, asking, "Did you enjoy it?" and, "Was he better than me?" were probably not the most sensitive things I've ever said.
24.I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.
So I hired a hitman.
25.I said: Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said: Well, you've succeeded.
Cunt.
26.According to a new study, 99% of women say they don't like men who wear leather trousers.
That actually works out rather well, since 100% of men who wear leather trousers don't like women.
27.My girlfriend claims that her last boyfriend was a better kisser than me.
I have to admit, he is pretty good.
28. My daughter has reached that age where she is asking embarrassing questions about sex.
Just this morning she asked, "Is that the best you can do?"
29. My girlfriend told me to call over to her house one day. When i arrived, I found her unbelievably sexy sister alone wearing just her underwear.
She whispered in my ear "I'm very horny, fuck me now"
I turned around and walked out of the front door and towards my car.
I found my girlfriend standing there and she hugged me and said "You have won my trust"
MORAL: It's always better to keep the condoms in the car and not in your pocket.
30.Americans are now saying the earthquake in Japan is karma for Pearl Harbour.
I personally can't wait for the karma waiting to happen for Hiroshima and Nagasaki
31.I vowed to my wife that I would never hit her again, that I would find a job and raise my kids properly.
The tears streamed down her face, this moment of joy would stick in my mind forever.
The moment when I said "April fools!" and dropped that gullible bitch to the ground.
Gets her every year!
32. I was sacked today for having sex in the back of my taxi with a customer.
I say taxi...
...technically it's a hearse
33. In today's lesson, my history teacher asked us to imagine a newspaper headline from Japan, thirty years on from the disaster.
Judging by the look on her face, 'Woman raped by man with two cocks', wasn't what she was looking for.
34.As soon as my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant, I vowed that my child would be brought up in a stable household with two loving, married parents.
I do hope he gets on well with the couple who adopted him.
35I asked my wife: 'Why do you always watch those cooking shows? You cant even cook!'
She replied: 'Well you watch porn, don't you?'
36.What's the difference between rape and murder?
My mood.
37.Been sitting at work watching the horrible videos from Japan on my laptop.
Why do they always pixelate the private parts?.
38. I was having sex the other day, banging away, when suddenly I stopped mid-thrust and stood really still.
"What are you doing?"
"Something I learnt from online porn. It's called 'buffering'."
39.Man gives blood to save his girlfriend's life -- later they split up and he says gimme the blood back -- she throws him a used tampon and says I'll pay you monthly ya bastard!
40. I had a few beers tonight and I was just climbing into bed when I thought to myself...
What cunt put my bed up the fucking tree.
41.Whats the most gullible thing a woman can believe?
Invisible Condoms.
42. As my wife stood perilously on the ledge, I screamed, "Don't do it. Don't jump, go back inside".
Luckily she saw sense and climbed back into the bedroom.
And that's where the fireman found her charred body.
43.Recently, I saw an article about Americans sending their old clothes over to the poor in Africa.
Pointless, I've never seen an African with a 52 inch waist.
44. Baby, baby, baby ooh!
Mother: *walks in* Are you listening to Justin Bieber?
Daughter: No, I'm watching porn.
Mother: Oh thank goodness.
