最近在网上看到的一些言论

They’re called “man hours” because a woman would have that shit done in 20 minutes. “工时”这个词之所以由“男人”组成是因为这破事要让女人做20分钟就搞定了

When your daughter’s boyfriend picks her up for their date, throw a shotgun shell at him then tell him it moves a lot faster after 10 pm. 闺女的男朋友上门来接时父亲丢给男孩一颗猎枪弹，对他讲“晚上10点之后它会比现在飞得更快”

Exercising would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burned them. 燃烧卡路里时若能听到他们的惨叫声，锻炼会更有动力

if people are talking behind your back, just fart. 如果有人在背后说你闲话，让他们吃屁

If we shouldn't eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 如果不应在夜里进食，为什么冰箱内有安灯？

when you’re dead, you don’t even know that you’re dead, it’s only pain for others, same thing when you’re stupid. 当一个人离开人世时那个人并不知道自己不在了，周围活着的人才痛苦，这跟“蠢”是一个意思

The broccoli says 'I look like a small tree', the mushroom says 'I look like an umbrella', the walnut says 'I look like a brain', and the banana says 'Can we please change the subject?' 西蓝花说“我长得像棵小树”，蘑菇说“我长得像把雨伞”，核桃仁说“我长得像颗大脑”，香蕉说“我们能换个话题吗”

If you think nothing is impossible, try slamming a revolving door. 如果你认为没有不可能的事，试试狠关旋转门

Why is Monday so far from Friday, and Friday so close to Monday? 为什么周1离周5那么远而周5却离周1那么近？

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 光速比声速快因为有人看着聪明(明亮)直到他开口说话 —— 民俗学和人类学教授艾兰东杰斯

At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other. 每场聚会上都有两类人：一类想回家，一类不想。难解得是这两类人一般都是夫妻 —— 芝加哥太阳时报建议专栏的编辑

Money won’t buy happiness but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem. 金钱买不来快乐但却作为薪水支付给这一课题的研究人员们 —— 堪萨斯城之星的专栏作家比利沃恩

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares?… He’s a mile away and you’ve got his shoes! 当判定一个人之前先要站在对方的角度思考一会然后管他呢，反正对方已经离你一里远了你还白得了双鞋！—— 苏格兰脱口秀喜剧演员比利康诺利

If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments. 如果你觉得没人在乎你的死活，试试几次不交车贷 —— 记者/专栏作家厄尔威尔逊

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you’re a good person is like expecting a bull not to attack you because you’re a vegetarian. 期望这个世界公平地对待善良的人跟素食主义者希望不被公牛袭击的想法一样 —— 电视节目主持人制作人丹尼斯弗利

The early bird gets the worm but the second mouse gets the cheese. 早起的鸟儿有虫吃但第2只老鼠才吃得到奶酪 —— 单口喜剧演员史蒂夫赖特