【15国际会计1班】丰晨 composition 3(630 words)

屯屯

来自: 屯屯 2016-11-11 21:55:31

  • Nana

    Nana 2016-11-12 17:25:52

    喻斯敏讷 总评:故事构思新颖,想到写人与动物之间的友情,让人眼前一亮。情节跌宕起伏,结局出人意料,是一篇脑洞大开的文章。新颖的故事后面还是有一些些小小的语法错误,希望能纠正过来。
    一、Content: 内容很丰富,讲述了多个事件:Thera救Wu、村庄发生灾难已经Wu为救Thera而牺牲自己,从文章的构思上看出写这篇文章的时候,你肯定十分用心!
    二、Structure and Organization: 第一段就以Wu的一句话作为开头,十分吸引读者的注意力。第二段到第四段讲述了Thera和Wu相识相遇相知的故事,为后文做铺垫。第五段和第六段紧跟第四段把整个故事推向高潮,最后两段的结尾语句十分优美,感人。段落和段落之间衔接地很好,条理清晰,层次分明。
    三、Language:
    1.语法准确性:文章出现了一些语法错误,比如:第二段的Because along the coast, most of folks were living by fishing.中的because后面缺少了主语和谓语应该改为because it located along the coast. A little girl named Thera who was a member of this village.这不是一个完整的句子,应该改为A little girl named Thera was a member of this village. Every arrived at dusk这个句子没有主语应该改为 Every time she arrived at dusk. 第三段中The pair of eyes is gentle but exude中的is应该改为are。The whale had its own name, Wu created by Thera because of the sounds it made.中的because of和it made重复了,把it made去掉。第四段Then motioned to her to sit on its back,缺少主语,mentioned前面要加一个it。倒数第二段中But every time touched the body birthmark seems like drop, she could not help crying.缺少主语应该为But every time when she touched the body… Everything was changing their shape, both of them bathed in a soft aperture.这个句子我不是很看得懂,所以没能帮你改过来
    2.语法多样性:句型多变,定语从句,状语从句反复在文章中出现,当时希望运用的同时能保证其正确性。
    3.词汇准确性:第六段中的The special ability it owns is that return back to the pasted time .一句中,past是一个形容词,直接用past就行了。第七段中Waking up in the hospital, Thera could not remember everything这句中的everything改为anything,因为前面有表示否定意义的词。
    4.词汇多样性:这篇文章的词汇大多都是一些高级词汇。我觉得engulfed这个词用得特别好,形象生动地写出了Thera的害怕与恐惧。

    四、Length: 这篇文章长达630字,是老师布置的字数的两倍,值得表扬!!!

  • 屯屯

    屯屯 2016-11-12 18:08:50

    首先感谢讷讷学姐的细心感人评论,让我认识到了自己的不足,由于过于考虑文章内容反而忽略了语法,这次语法主要错在句子的成分即主语的缺失,在The pair of eyes 后面跟is还是are当时是有些小纠结但是还是错了,说明自己的语法基础还是不够扎实。下次在用状语从句的时候一定会注意。
    但另外对于. A little girl named Thera who was a member of this village这一句,Who后面带的是一个定语从句来解释说明女主Threra,前面name为谓语,我认为它是一个完整的句子。
    But every time touched the body birthmark seems like drop, she could not help crying.这一句中前面为状从句来解释说明女主哭泣的原因,因为前后主语一致所以省去了前面的主语,翻了翻语法书才发现不可以这么用,非常感谢讷讷学姐帮我指正!!!!

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