【15国际会计1班】吴亚燕 composition3(434words)

WYY

来自: WYY 2016-11-10 22:30:39

  • Aki喵喵喵_

    Aki喵喵喵_ 2016-11-13 22:46:09

    章琪 总评:这篇文章的故事说实话,内容不是很新颖,比较老套。但是开头从梦开始还不错,这个设计的很特殊。算是一个亮点,但是文章内的语法错误真的很多。
    一、Content:
    本文是讲一个地球毁灭的故事,而主人公自己住在其他星球上。为了看地球是怎样毁灭的才在那一天去了地球。用的是要求里的第一幅图——一个全是废墟的场景。文章很好的描述了这幅场景,故事设计的也比较流畅。
    二、Structure and Organization:
    1.这次的文章要求是讲一个故事,在结构上流畅清晰。开头的梦是一个很好的引渡,这个作者写的不错。后面的也比较顺理成章。但是有些句子意思偏中式1.thunder and lightning, the hurricane made a huge splash flapping coast;2. Today is the end of the earth,感觉这句是中式英语;3. Robert driving an overspeed starship from the Star Planet, through the Milky Way arrive to the earth. ;4. When we pass through the atmosphere of the earth to the ground
    2.由于文章是故事为主,所以我觉得句子的结构比较简单也没关系,但是一些小连词用的不错,比如 All of a sudden。
    三、Language:
    1.语法准确性上,文章中出现多出错误。其中错误可以分为一下 点
    (1)时态不一致:
    文章基本格调是现在时,但是多次出现了突然冒出个过去式。比如:1.a mechanical voice broke into my ear;2.I replied ;3. high-rise buildings instantly turned into ruins;4. the hurricane made a huge splash flapping coast;5. When Robert opened the safety pattern of the spacecraft, I noticed that the atmosphere of earth already swamped with all kinds of starships;
    (2)出现多个谓语,没有连词:
    如果是类似排比的,可以只出现一个连词,但是结构是:A句,B句,C句,D句 and E句。你这个问题出现的最多,可能是因为写的是故事,且都是一大段一大段的写,所以这个问题比较容易犯。1. a group of innocent children are flying kite, they chase each other for fun;2. After hearing the words, i open my eyes and recall my dream, then sadly say to myself;3. Today is the end of the earth, the land will disappear, to see the earth for the last time, today you arrange to return to the earth;4. let me do some preparations, then we go there(而且这里没有主语,这也不是祈使句的用法);5. the original city of circuit system is destroyed, then induce the fire, as a result, thick black smoke is pouring out of the ground. Then The wind on the ocean surface become stronger , thunder and lightning, the hurricane made a huge splash flapping coast, from the coast to inland, seawater is approaching the land, the land sink to the bottom of the ocean then disappear in my sight... ;6. Some of them are human beings, and some are other interstellar creatures, the light of starships lit up the whole earth;7. tectonic plate, which includes Eurasian plate, Africa plate and American plate, begin to fracture, then start to sinking
    (3)主谓不一致:
    1. Robert immediately launch his "intelligent eyes and project the screen;2. the human building begin to crumble;3. The wind on the ocean surface become stronger
    (4)其他错误:
    1. a quarter past seven on the morning of June 29th, in 2203 AD正确的应该该是a quarter past seven on the morning of 29th June , 2203 AD;2. such a beautiful grassland only can be seen in dreams,only是副词,应该放在情态动词之后;3. what is my main arrange today。Arrange是动词,应该用arrangement;4. Robert driving an overspeed starship from the Star Planet, through the Milky Way arrive to the earth. 语法错误严重,且overspeed是超速;5. When we pass through the atmosphere of the earth to the ground,应该在to的后面加一个动词;6. I am disappointed to see the homeland that the human ever lived is destroyed gradually,live是不及物动词,要么that改成where,要么后面加一个in,且is要去掉;7. Looking at intelligent robot who named Robert,要么who去掉,要么改成which name is;
    2.语法多样性上,由于文章的一些限定可能没有多样,但是也说得过去。
    3.词汇准确性上,我不清楚能不能把你的错误放在这里,但我也只能放在这里了。
    1. Looking at intelligent robot who named Robert。我不确定机器人在这里是人还是物,但是应该是错的;2. tectonic plate, which includes Eurasian plate,一个词应该是不能用非限制性定语修饰的吧;3. tectonic plate,thick black smoke可数名词单数前要有冠词,,thunder and lightning,这个自然界的不确定;
    4.词汇多样性上,在叙述故事为前提下,词汇有些也还不错,虽然我忘记有那些了,也找不到在哪里了,但是我真的记得有 。所以看在前面我写了这么多的前提下就原谅我吧。
    四、Length: 全文434words,多于要求的字数.但是感觉整体故事还可以扩展一下,争取下次做的更好哦!加油!!!

  • WYY

    WYY 2016-11-13 23:23:26

    感谢章琪同学的批改,真的改的很详细。1.因为故事中很多回忆的地方,写起来时态就有穿插。(以后我还是自己多读几遍再发。)2.要长短结合,长句尽量分开,避免少些成分。3.对于 let me do some preparations, then we go there(而且这里没有主语,这也不是祈使句的用法),这里是文章中“我”对机器人说的话,相当于“let us go...."我觉得不存在缺少主语的问题。4.谓语的第三人称单数的确忘了很多次。。。要注意!!!5对于.a quarter past seven on the morning of June 29th, in 2203 AD正确的应该该是a quarter past seven on the morning of 29th June , 2203 AD;我记得英语里的表述是按月日年的唉,中文表述是年月日。6.overspeed是超速 的确是我自己生造的,我是想写超音速飞船的,误用了动词。7.tectonic plate, which includes Eurasian plate,这里可以把which改where.嗯,非限制性定语从句要加强。

  • Aki喵喵喵_

    Aki喵喵喵_ 2016-11-14 00:23:49

    感谢章琪同学的批改,真的改的很详细。1.因为故事中很多回忆的地方,写起来时态就有穿插。(以后 感谢章琪同学的批改,真的改的很详细。1.因为故事中很多回忆的地方,写起来时态就有穿插。(以后我还是自己多读几遍再发。)2.要长短结合,长句尽量分开,避免少些成分。3.对于 let me do some preparations, then we go there(而且这里没有主语,这也不是祈使句的用法),这里是文章中“我”对机器人说的话,相当于“let us go...."我觉得不存在缺少主语的问题。4.谓语的第三人称单数的确忘了很多次。。。要注意!!!5对于.a quarter past seven on the morning of June 29th, in 2203 AD正确的应该该是a quarter past seven on the morning of 29th June , 2203 AD;我记得英语里的表述是按月日年的唉,中文表述是年月日。6.overspeed是超速 的确是我自己生造的,我是想写超音速飞船的,误用了动词。7.tectonic plate, which includes Eurasian plate,这里可以把which改where.嗯,非限制性定语从句要加强。 ... WYY

    1.对于 let me do some preparations, then we go there(而且这里没有主语,这也不是祈使句的用法),这里是文章中“我”对机器人说的话,相当于“let us go...."我觉得不存在缺少主语的问题————我一开始说的是在这里你除了缺少一个连词,而且这里没有主语,这也不是祈使句的用法。但是你的表述就是意思是祈使句。只有祈使句可以没有主语,如果是文章中“我”对机器人说的话,那就是祈使句,而祈使句应该是let us 。。。。。或let'us。。。。。
    2.英语里的时间表述我把英国美国搞混了,两种都可以
    3..tectonic plate, which includes Eurasian plate,不可以可以把which改where.。where是副词,而你这里从句中少的是主语。你这个问题是把逗号去掉。

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