【15级国际会计2班】林祎唯composition3(535words)

Boom×3

来自: Boom×3 2016-11-08 15:05:20

  • 未央

    未央 2016-11-12 15:58:05

    蔡佳云 总评:文章感情真挚,有理有据,令人信服,但有一些语法和词汇错误。一.Content 文章与文题相切和,全文均围绕文题展开,故事想象力很丰富。文章紧扣故事线索展开,尤其是最后看到最后一段,我忍不住笑喷了。二.Structure and Organization 全文以主人公的奢华生日开始,由开始的兴奋,期待,笔锋一转,到遇难,再出乎意料地穿越,故事情节跌宕起伏,整个过程扣人心玹,引人入胜。最后一段设置了悬念,引人思考。三.Language 存在一些语法与词汇错误,第一段的"it was June 28th in 2016"是不是要写成"28th,June in 2016"? 还有最后一句的"loved the sea"改成"loved sea"更好,the表特指,特指某一片海,但是文中的意思应该是泛指海洋。第二段中"stared"应该改为"started",后文中有几处如此 ,还有"go to the ocean in the private luxurious cruise ship"是什么意思,是不是应该改成"go to the ocean where the private luxurious cruise ship"? "made a adequate"中的"a"应该改为"an"。"one hours later"应改为"one hour later"," went abroad the ship"应该改为"went aboard the ship", "so they do not know"应改为"so they did not know","so she guess here is heaven"应改为"so she guessed here was heaven","bephysically sick " 应该改成"be physically ill","sick" 和"be"连用构成系表结构表示“恶心的”,"sick"和名词连用表示“生病的”。运用的大部分都是简单句,可适当增加复杂句使短文句型更加多样化。四.Length 字数有500多,远远超过规定规定字数。

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  • 未央

    未央 2016-11-12 16:02:57

    不好意思,前面评论里,"go to the ocean where the private luxurious cruise ship"最后漏了一个单词"was","bephysically sick" 的前面两个单词是分开的,一次性打那么多的字没注意到。

    来自 豆瓣App
  • Boom×3

    Boom×3 2016-11-12 22:59:11

    蔡佳云 总评:文章感情真挚,有理有据,令人信服,但有一些语法和词汇错误。一.Content 文章 蔡佳云 总评:文章感情真挚,有理有据,令人信服,但有一些语法和词汇错误。一.Content 文章与文题相切和,全文均围绕文题展开,故事想象力很丰富。文章紧扣故事线索展开,尤其是最后看到最后一段,我忍不住笑喷了。二.Structure and Organization 全文以主人公的奢华生日开始,由开始的兴奋,期待,笔锋一转,到遇难,再出乎意料地穿越,故事情节跌宕起伏,整个过程扣人心玹,引人入胜。最后一段设置了悬念,引人思考。三.Language 存在一些语法与词汇错误,第一段的"it was June 28th in 2016"是不是要写成"28th,June in 2016"? 还有最后一句的"loved the sea"改成"loved sea"更好,the表特指,特指某一片海,但是文中的意思应该是泛指海洋。第二段中"stared"应该改为"started",后文中有几处如此 ,还有"go to the ocean in the private luxurious cruise ship"是什么意思,是不是应该改成"go to the ocean where the private luxurious cruise ship"? "made a adequate"中的"a"应该改为"an"。"one hours later"应改为"one hour later"," went abroad the ship"应该改为"went aboard the ship", "so they do not know"应改为"so they did not know","so she guess here is heaven"应改为"so she guessed here was heaven","bephysically sick " 应该改成"be physically ill","sick" 和"be"连用构成系表结构表示“恶心的”,"sick"和名词连用表示“生病的”。运用的大部分都是简单句,可适当增加复杂句使短文句型更加多样化。四.Length 字数有500多,远远超过规定规定字数。 ... 未央

    感谢蔡佳云同学指出我的那么多错误 有些是时态错误有些是语法错误还有些是我不仔细造成的错 那句go to the ocean in the private luxurious cruise 我想表达的意思是他们计划乘着那个豪华游轮出海 而不是说去那个游轮所在的海洋 嗯我以后写作文会更加仔细 避免犯一些低级错误 还需加强句型多样性等

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