【伍迪·艾伦】门萨的娼妓

WF06-The Whore of Mensa
㊣19门萨的娼妓

ONE thing about being a private investigator, you've got to learn to go with your hunches. That's why when a quivering pat of butter named Word Babcock walked into my office and laid his cards on the table, I should have trusted the cold chill that shot up my spine.
身为私人侦探，有一点就是必须学会相信自己的直觉。正是这个原因，当一个哆里哆嗦、名叫沃德·巴布考克的胖子走进我的办公室，并把名片放到桌上时，我本来应该相信从脊柱传来的那股寒意。

"Kaiser?" he said, "Kaiser Lupowitz?"
"That's what it says on my license," I owned up.
"You've got to help me. I'm being blackmailed. Please!"
“凯泽？”他问道，“凯泽·卢波韦茨？”
“我的执照上是这么写的。”我爽快地承认。
“你一定得帮我，有人敲诈我。求你了！”

He was shaking like the lead singer in a rumba band. I pushed a glass across the desk top and a bottle of rye I keep handy for nonmedicinal purposes. "Suppose you relax and tell me all about it."
他颤抖得像是个伦巴乐队的主唱歌手。我把一个玻璃杯放在桌面上推了过去，外加一瓶黑麦威士忌。我总把这瓶酒放在顺手的地方，倒不是为了医用目的。“你还是放松一下吧，从头跟我说说。”

"You... you won't tell my wife?"
"Level with me, Word. I can't make any promises."
“你……你不会告诉我老婆？”
“跟我说实话吧，沃德，可是我不能承诺什么。”

He tried pouring a drink, but you could hear the clicking sound across the street, and most of the stuff wound up in his shoes.
他想倒一杯酒，但是瓶碰杯子的咔嗒声从街上就能听到，而且大部分都淌进了他的鞋子。

"I'm a working guy," he said. "Mechanical maintenance. I build and service joy buzzers. You know--those little fun gimmicks that give people a shock when they shake hands?"
“我是个干活人，”他说，“做机械维修工作，制作并修理逗乐蜂鸣器，你知道——那种有趣的小玩意儿，跟别人握手时能吓他们一跳的。”

"So?"
"A lot of your executives like 'em. Particularly down on Wall Street."
"Get to the point."
“怎么样？”
“很多像你们这种经理、主管喜欢这种玩意儿，特别是在华尔街上班的。”
“别扯远了。”

"I'm on the road a lot. You know how it is--lonely. Oh, not what you're thinking. See, Kaiser, I'm basically an intellectual. Sure, a guy can meet all the bimbos he wants. But the really brainy women--they're not so easy to find on short notice."
"Keep talking."
“我经常出差，你知道那是什么滋味——孤独。噢，不是你想的那样。明白吗，凯泽? 从根本上说来，我是个知识分子。没错，一个男人想找多少妓女都可以，可是真正有头脑的女人——短时间内，不是很容易就能找到。”
“接着说。”

"Well, I heard of this young girl. Eighteen years old. A Yassar student. For a price, she'll come over and discuss any subject--Proust, Yeats, anthropology. Exchange of ideas. You see what I'm driving at?"
"Not exactly."
“唉，我听说有这么一个年轻女孩，十八岁，亚萨女子学院的学生。花上一点钱，她就会来跟你谈任何话题——普鲁斯特、叶芝、人类学等等。交流思想。你明白我的意思吗？”
“不是很明白。”

"I mean, my wife is great, don't get me wrong. But she won't discuss Pound with me. Or Eliot. I didn't know that when I married her. See, I need a woman who's mentally stimulating, Kaiser. And I'm willing to pay for it. I don't want an involvement--I want a quick intellectual experience, then I want the girl to leave. Christ, Kaiser, I'm a happily married man."
"How long has this been going on?"
“我是说，我老婆挺好，别误解我的意思。可是她跟我谈不了庞德，或是艾略特，我跟她结婚时不知道这个。你明白吧，我需要一个在精神上能激励我的女人，凯泽。我也愿意掏钱，可我不想复杂化——我想来一次快速的智力体验，然后让那个女孩走。老天，凯泽，我可是个婚姻幸福的有妇之夫。”
“有多久了？”

"Six months. Whenever I have that craving, I call Flossie. She's a madam, with a master's in comparative lit. She sends me over an intellectual, see?"
“半年。每当我有那种渴望时，就打电话给弗洛西，她是妈咪，有比较文学硕士学位。她会派一位知识分子过来，明白吗？”

So he was one of those guys whose weakness was really bright women. I felt sorry for the poor sap. I figured there must be a lot of jokers in his position, who were starved for a little intellectual communication with the opposite sex and would pay through the nose for it.
这么说他就是那种男人了，向往很聪明的女人，这是他们的软肋。我为这个可怜的蠢货感到难过。我心想，他那种身份的人里面，肯定有不少窝囊废，他们如饥似渴地想跟异性来点智力上的交流，并且不惜出大价钱。

"Now she's threatening to tell my wife," he said.
"Who is?"
“现在她威胁要告诉我老婆。”他说。
“谁威胁？”

"Flossie. They bugged the motel room. They got tapes of me discussing The Waste Land and Styles of Radical Will, and, well, really getting into some issues. They want ten grand or they go to Carla. Kaiser, you've got to help me! Carla would die if she knew she didn't turn me on up here."
“弗洛西。她们在汽车旅馆的房间里安了窃听器，用磁带录了我讨论《荒原》和《激进意志的风格》，唉，有些问题还讨论得很深入。他们要我出一万块钱，否则就要告诉卡拉。凯泽，你一定得帮我！卡拉要是知道她在那方面满足不了我，会寻短见的。”

The old call-girl racket. I had heard rumors that the boys at headquarters were on to something involving a group of educated women, but so far they were stymied.
老一套的应召女郎敲诈案。我有耳闻，说是警察局里的几个伙计在办一个案子，涉及一群受过教育的女人，可是目前为止，他们查不下去了。

"Get Flossie on the phone for me."
"What?"
"I'll take your case, Word. But I get fifty dollars a day, plus expenses. You'll have to repair a lot of joy buzzers."
“给我拨通弗洛西的电话。”
“什么？”
“我接你的案子，沃德，不过每天收费五十元，花销另算。你会不得不修理很多逗乐蜂鸣器。”

"It won't be ten Gs' worth, I'm sure of that," he said with a grin, and picked up the phone and dialed a number. I took it from him and winked. I was beginning to like him.
“花不到一万块，这点我能肯定。”他咧嘴笑了一下说，然后拿起电话拨了个号码，我从他手里接过电话并挤了下眼睛。我开始喜欢上他了。

Seconds later, a silky voice answered, and I told her what was on my mind. "I understand you can help me set up an hour of good chat," I said.
几秒钟后，一个柔和的声音接听了电话，我告诉她我想怎么样。“我知道你可以帮我安排，好好聊上一个钟头。”我说。

"Sure, honey. What do you have in mind?"
"I'd like to discuss Melville."
"Moby Dick or the shorter novels?"
"What's the difference?"
"The price. That's all. Symbolism's extra."
"What'll it run me?"
“没问题，亲爱的，你想聊什么？”
“我想聊梅尔维尔。”
“《大白鲸》还是短一点的长篇？”
“有什么不同？”
“也就是价钱。聊象征主义得另外加钱。”
“得出多少？”

"Fifty, maybe a hundred for Moby Dick. You want a comparative discussion--Melville and Hawthorne? That could be arranged for a hundred."
"The dough's fine," I told her and gave her the number of a room at the Plaza.
"You want a blonde or a brunette?"
"Surprise me," I said, and hung up.
“五十，聊《大白鲸》可能得一百块。你想进行比较性讨论，把梅尔维尔跟霍桑进行比较吗？一百块可以搞定。”
“还可以。”我告诉她，并说了个广场酒店的房间号码。
“你想要个金发女郎，还是个浅黑色皮肤的？”
“给我个惊喜吧。”我说完就挂了电话。

I shaved and grabbed some black coffee while I checked over the Monarch College Outline series. Hardly an hour had passed before there was a knock on my door. I opened it, and standing there was a young redhead who was packed into her slacks like two big scoops of vanilla ice cream.
我刮了脸，灌了点黑咖啡，同时还查阅了《权威大学梗概》丛书。几乎还不到一小时，就听到一声敲门声。我打开门，站在那里的是个红头发年轻女孩，身子装在宽松的长裤里，就好像两大勺香草味冰淇淋。

"Hi, I'm Sherry."
They really knew how to appeal to your fantasies. Long straight hair, leather bag, silver earrings, no makeup.
“嗨，我是雪莉。”
她们可真的会让你想入非非啊：长长的直发，真皮包，银耳环，没化妆。

"I'm surprised you weren't stopped, walking into the hotel dressed like that," I said. "The house dick can usually spot an intellectual."
"A five-spot cools him."
"Shall we begin?" I said, motioning her to the couch.
你就那身打扮，没被拦住可真让我吃惊。”我说，“一般说来，门卫能看出进来的是不是个知识分子。”
“五块钱就堵住他的嘴了呗。”
“可以开始吗？”我说着把她往沙发上让。

She lit a cigarette and got right to it. "I think we could start by approaching Billy Budd as Melville's justification of the ways of God to man, n'est-ce pas?"
"Interestingly, though, not in a Miltonian sense." I was bluffing. I wanted to see if she'd go for it.
"No. Paradise Lost lacked the substructure of pessimism." She did.
"Right, right. God, you're right," I murmured.
"I think Melville reaffirmed the virtues of innocence in a naive yet sophisticated sense--don't you agree?"
她点着一根香烟后就直奔主题。“我认为我们可以这样开始，把《比利·巴德》看做是梅尔维尔对上帝施予人类的作为进行辩护，n’est-ce pas？
“有意思，不过，不是在弥尔顿那种意义上。”我在虚张声势，想看她是否赞成。
“对，《失乐园》缺少那种悲观主义的基础。”她赞成。
“对，对。天哪，你说得对。”我咕哝道。
“我认为梅尔维尔在一种尽管质朴，却是复杂的意义上重申了纯真的可贵——你同意吗？”

I let her go on. She was barely nineteen years old, but already she had developed the hardened facility of the pseudo-intellectual. She rattled off her ideas glibly, but it was all mechanical. Whenever I offered an insight, she faked a response: "Oh, yes, Kaiser. Yes, baby, that's deep. A platonic comprehension of Christianity--why didn't I see it before?"
我让她继续往下说。她几乎还不到十九岁，对那种伪知识分子的把戏倒是玩得精熟。她滔滔不绝地发表看法，但全属死记硬背。每当我提出自己的见解时，她总会装扮着回应：“哦，对，凯泽。对，宝贝，深刻。对于基督教的柏拉图式理解——我怎么以前没看出来？”

We talked for about an hour and then she said she had to go. She stood up and I laid a C-note on her.
我们聊了约有半个钟头后，她说她得走了。她站起身，我给了她一张一百块的钞票。

"Thanks, honey."
"There's plenty more where that came from."
"What are you trying to say?"
“谢谢，亲爱的。”
“还准备花不少钱呢。”
“你想说什么？”

I had piqued her curiosity. She sat down again.
我撩起了她的好奇心，她又坐了下来。

"Suppose I wanted to--have a party?" I said.
"Like, what kind of party?"
"Suppose I wanted Noam Chomsky explained to me by two girls?"
"Oh, wow."
"If you'd rather forget it..."
"You'd have to speak with Flossie," she said. "It'd cost you."
“假如说我想——开个派对呢？”
“什么样的？”
“假如我想让两个女孩给我解释一下诺姆·乔姆斯基呢？”
“哦，哇。”
“你要是根本不想……”
“你得跟弗洛西说，”她说，“会花你不少钱的。”

Now was the time to tighten the screws. I flashed my private-investigator's badge and informed her it was a bust.
该收套了。我亮出我的私人侦探徽章，说我要抓她。

"What!"
"I'm fuzz, sugar, and discussing Melville for money is an 802. You can do time."
"You louse!"
"Better come clean, baby. Unless you want to tell your story down at Alfred Kazin's office, and I don't think he'd be too happy to hear it."
“什么！？”
“我是个侦探，亲爱的，为了钱讨论梅尔维尔可是犯法的，你会进监狱的。”
“你这个混蛋！”
“最好全招了，宝贝。除非你想去阿尔弗雷德·卡津的办公室那里说清楚，我想他听了一准儿会不高兴的。”

She began to cry. "Don't turn me in, Kaiser," she said. "I needed the money to complete my master's. I've been turned down for a grant. Twice. Oh, Christ."
她哭了起来。“别把我交给警察，凯泽。”她说，“我需要钱完成硕士学业，我的助学金申请被拒绝了。两次。噢，天哪。”

It all poured out--the whole story. Central Park West upbringing, Socialist summer camps, Brandeis. She was every dame you saw waiting in line at the Elgin or the Thalia, or penciling the words "Yes, very true" into the margin of some book on Kant. Only somewhere along the line she had made a wrong turn.
她一古脑全招了——一点不剩。中央公园西侧长大，进过社会主义式夏令营，上布兰戴斯大学。她是你在埃尔金或塞利亚电影院那儿看到的排队等候进场，或者在一本论及康德的书页边用铅笔写下“对，非常正确”的普通少女，只不过她在生活中的某个时候误入歧途。

"I needed cash. A girl friend said she knew a married guy whose wife wasn't very profound. He was into Blake. She couldn't hack it. I said sure, for a price I'd talk Blake with him. I was nervous at first. I faked a lot of it. He didn't care. My friend said there were others. Oh, I've been busted before. I got caught reading Commentary in a parked car, and I was once stopped and frisked at Tanglewood. Once more and I'm a three-time loser."
“我需要钱。有个女友说她认识个有妇之夫，他老婆的知识不是很渊博。他喜欢布莱克，可他老婆没法侃。我说没问题，出个价，我会跟他聊布莱克。我一开始紧张，经常在装扮，可他无所谓。我朋友说这种人还有。哦，我以前也被抓过。我在一辆停着的汽车里念《评论》杂志时被抓过，有次在坦吉尔伍德也被截停并搜身。再给抓到一次，我就算彻底完了。”

"Then take me to Flossie."
She bit her lip and said, "The Hunter College Book Store is a front."
"Yes?"
"Like those bookie joints that have barbershops outside for show. You'll see."
I made a quick call to headquarters and then said to her, "Okay, sugar. You're off the hook. But don't leave town."
She tilted her face up toward mine gratefully. "I can get you photographs of Dwight Macdonald reading," she said.
"Some other time."
“那你带我去见弗洛西吧。”
她咬了咬嘴唇，然后说：“前面是亨特大学书店。”
“还有呢？”
“就像那种外面拿理发店当幌子的赛马投注点，你会看到的。”
我往警察局打了个简短的电话，然后对她说：“好吧，亲爱的，我放你一马，但是别离开本市。”
她感激地把脸向我侧了过来。“我能给你弄到德怀特·麦克唐纳读书的照片。”她说。
“再说吧。”

I walked into the Hunter College Book Store. The salesman, a young man with sensitive eyes, came up to me. "Can I help you?" he said.
"I'm looking for a special edition of Advertisements for Myself. I understand the author had several thousand goldleaf copies printed up for friends."
"I'll have to check," he said. "We have a WATS line to Mailer's house."
I fixed him with a look. "Sherry sent me," I said.
我走进亨特大学书店，店员走上前，他是个目光敏锐的小伙子。“我可以帮您吗？”他说。
“我在找《自我广告》的一种特别版本，我知道作者为了送朋友印过一千册烫金面的。”
“得查一下。”他说，“我们和梅勒家经常电话联系。”
我盯了他一眼。“雪莉让我来的。”我说。

"Oh, in that case, go on back," he said. He pressed a button. A wall of books opened, and I walked like a lamb into that bustling pleasure palace known as Flossie's.
“噢，那你去后面吧。”他说完按了个按钮，一面书墙打开了。我就像一头羔羊，走进那个令人眼花缭乱的享乐宫，它的名字叫弗洛西会所。

Red flocked wallpaper and a Victorian decor set the tone. Pale, nervous girls with black-rimmed glasses and blunt-cut hair lolled around on sofas, riffling Penguin Classics provocatively. A blonde with a big smile winked at me, nodded toward a room upstairs, and said, "Wallace Stevens, eh?" But it wasn't just intellectual experiences--they were peddling emotional ones, too. For fifty bucks, I learned, you could "relate without getting close." For a hundred, a girl would lend you her Bartok records, have dinner, and then let you watch while she had an anxiety attack. For one-fifty, you could listen to FM radio with twins. For three bills, you got the works: A thin Jewish brunette would pretend to pick you up at the Museum of Modern Art, let you read her master's, get you involved in a screaming quarrel at Elaine's over Freud's conception of women, and then fake a suicide of your choosing--the perfect evening, for some guys. Nice racket. Great town, New York.
全红的墙纸和维多利亚时代风格的装修决定了情调。一群脸色苍白、精神紧张、戴着黑边眼镜、头发剪得齐齐的女孩子倚靠在沙发上，在飞快地翻看企鹅版经典丛书，姿态诱人。一个金发女孩满脸堆笑地向我挤了下眼睛，向楼上一个房间点点头说：“华莱士·斯蒂文斯，对吗？”但那不只是智力体验——他们还兜售情感体验。我得知，花上五十块，你可以进行“不深入的陈述”；花一百块，一个女孩可以把她的巴托克唱片借给你听，一起进餐，然后让你看她来一次焦虑发作；花一百五，你可以跟一对孪生姐妹一起听调频立体声广播；花三百块，你可以享受套餐：一个浅黑色皮肤的女孩会在现代艺术博物馆里装着搭上你，让你看她的硕士论文，让你和她在伊琳餐馆就弗洛伊德关于女人的概念尖声争吵，然后她会按照你选择的方式假装自杀——对于某些人来说，这是完美的一晚。不错的骗局。多棒的城市啊，纽约。

"Like what you see?" a voice said behind me. I turned and suddenly found myself standing face to face with the business end of a .38. I'm a guy with a strong stomach, but this time it did a back flip. It was Flossie, all right. The voice was the same, but Flossie was a man. His face was hidden by a mask.
“怎么样，喜欢吗？”我身后响起一个声音。我转过身，赫然发现一枝点三八口径手枪的枪管正对着我的脸。我是个处事不惊的人，可这次心里还是格登一下。是弗洛西，正好。还是那个声音，但弗洛西是个男人，一张面具遮着他的脸。

"You'll never believe this," he said, "but I don't even have a college degree. I was thrown out for low grades."
"Is that why you wear that mask?"
“你永远也不会相信，”他说，“可是我连一张大学文凭都没有，我是因为成绩差被勒令退学的。”
“这就是你为什么要戴面具吗？”

"I devised a complicated scheme to take over The New York Review of Books, but it meant I had to pass for Lionel Trilling. I went to Mexico for an operation. There's a doctor in Juarez who gives people Trilling's features--for a price. Something went wrong. I came out looking like Auden, with Mary McCarthy's voice. That's when I started working the other side of the law."
“我订了个接手《纽约书评》的复杂计划，但是这意味着我要冒充莱昂内尔·特里林。我为做手术去了墨西哥，胡埃莱斯那里有个医生，能给人整容成莱昂内尔·特里林的样子——花钱就可以。但是出了点差错，我整容的结果看上去像是奥登，声音却像玛丽·麦卡锡。从那时起，我就成了个法外之人。”

Quickly, before he could tighten his finger on the trigger, I went into action. Heaving forward, I snapped my elbow across his jaw and grabbed the gun as he fell back. He hit the ground like a ton of bricks. He was still whimpering when the police showed up.
马上，在他抠动扳击前，我动手了。我扑上去用肘猛击他的下巴，在他倒下时抓住枪。他扑通一下倒在地上。警察出现时，他还在抽泣。

"Nice work, Kaiser," Sergeant Holmes said. "When we're through with this guy, the F.B.I. wants to have a talk with him. A little matter involving some gamblers and an annotated copy of Dante's Inferno. Take him away, boys."
“干得不赖，凯泽。”霍姆斯警官说，“我们审完他后，联邦调查局想跟他谈谈。是件小事，牵涉到几个赌徒和但丁的《地狱篇》的某个注释本。把他带走，伙计们。”

Later that night, I looked up an old account of mine named Gloria. She was blond. She had graduated cum laude. The difference was she majored in physical education. It felt good.
那天深夜时分，我拜访了一位老客户，名叫格洛丽亚。她是个金发女郎，是以优等成绩毕业的，区别在于她学的专业是体育，让我感觉不错。