《谈论爱情时我们都在说些什么》

在美休假的两个星期里，把卡佛的这个最出名、最有争议的小说译了一遍。该小说有好几个中译本。有兴趣的豆友可以对照着看看。我一向喜欢卡佛小说中的对话。这篇小说对话有其特点，比如特芮的俏皮和机敏，梅尔的滔滔不绝和粗鲁，以及叙述者“我”关键时刻的插科打浑。非常的生动。比如，劳拉问那对老夫妇怎样了，因为之前谈过这对老夫妇，所以特芮说了句俏皮话，“更老但更聪明了”。Older and wiser本来就是个常用的句子，在这儿接的非常之妙。还有就是梅尔在讲故事时念了个白字，特芮抓住不放等等。

闲话少说，请看正文。同时还请各位一如既往地对译文提出批评。



《谈论爱情时我们都在说些什么》


作者：雷蒙德•卡佛
翻译：小二






我的朋友梅尔•麦克吉尼斯在不停地说着。梅尔•麦克吉尼斯是个心脏病医生，有时候，这种身份给了他这样说话的权力。
我们四人围坐在梅尔家的餐桌旁喝杜松子酒。从水池后面大窗户照进来的阳光充满了厨房。四人里有我、梅尔、梅尔的第二任妻子特芮萨（我们叫她特芮）和我的妻子劳拉。那时我们住在阿尔伯克基。但我们都是从外地来的。
餐桌上放着冰桶。杜松子酒和奎宁水被不停地传来传去,不知怎么的,我们就谈到爱情这个话题上来了。梅尔认为真正的爱情决不次于精神上的爱。他说他离开去上医学院时，已在神学院里呆了五年,他说回顾在神学院的那些日子,仍然觉得那是他一生中最重要的时光。
特芮说在梅尔之前和她住在一起的那个男人非常爱她,爱到想杀死她。特芮说，“有一天晚上他揍我,拽着我的脚踝在卧室里拖来拖去,嘴里不停地说,‘我爱你,我爱你,你这个婊子。’他不停地把我在卧室里拖来拖去,我的头不断磕着东西。”特芮看了看大家,“碰到这样的爱情你们怎么办？”
她瘦得皮包骨，有一张漂亮的面孔，深黑色的眼睛，棕色的头发一直拖到背上。她喜欢绿宝石做的项链和长长下垂的耳环。
“我的天哪,别犯傻了。那不是爱, 你知道这个。”梅尔说,“我不知道你该叫它什么,但你绝对不能把它叫做爱情。”
“你爱怎么说怎么说,我认为那就是爱情,”特芮说,“也许对你来说这很疯狂,但它同样是真实的。人和人不一样,梅尔。不错，有时他是有些疯狂的举动,我承认。不过他爱我, 或许在用他自己的方式,他的确爱我,那里面有爱情,梅尔,别说没有。”
梅尔嘘了口气,端起酒杯转向我和劳拉。“那个人威胁要杀死我,”梅尔说。他喝干杯中的酒, 伸手去拿酒瓶。
“特芮很浪漫,特芮是那种踢-我-我-才-知-道-你-爱-我类型的人。特芮,亲爱的,别那样。”梅尔把手伸到桌子对面,用手指摸了摸特芮的脸颊。他冲她咧嘴笑了笑。
“他现在想和解了。”特芮说。
“和什么解?”梅尔说,“有什么好和解的？我清楚我知道什么,就这些。”
“我们怎么就说到这个话题上来的呢?”特芮说,她端起酒杯喝了一口。“梅尔满脑子都是爱情,”她说,“是吧?亲爱的。”她笑了笑。我想这个话题应该结束了。
“我只是不想把艾德的所作所为叫做爱情。我没别的意思,亲爱的,”梅尔说,“你们怎么看?”梅尔转向我和劳拉,“你们觉得那是爱情吗?”
“你问错人了,”我说,“我连那个人都不认识,只是听人提起过这个名字。我怎么会知道。你得知道具体的情况。但我想你的意思是说爱情是一种绝对。”
梅尔说:“我说的这种爱情是指,我说的这种爱情是，你不会想着去杀人。”
劳拉说:“我对艾德一无所知,也不了解当时的情况,不过谁又能够评判他人呢?
我碰了碰劳拉的手背,她冲我快速地笑了笑。我抓起她的手，它很温暖,指甲光洁，修剪得十分整齐。我用手指攥住她的手腕,把她搂到怀里。


“我离开他时,他喝了老鼠药,”特芮说,她双手紧抱双臂,“他们把他送到圣达菲的医院。那时我们住在那里，大约有十里远。他们救了他的命。但他的牙龈因此变了型。我是说它们从牙齿上脱开了,牙齿像狗牙一样立着。我的天哪。”特芮说。她沉默了一会儿,松开两臂,端起酒杯。
“人真是什么事都做得出来。”劳拉说。
“他现在消停了,”梅尔说,“他死了。”
梅尔把一小碟酸橙递给我,我拿了一块,把汁挤进酒里,用手指搅了搅冰块。
“后来更糟了,”特芮说,“他朝自己嘴里开了一枪,就连这件事也给搞砸了。可怜的艾德。”特芮摇了摇头。
“什么可怜的艾德,”梅尔说,“他非常危险。”
梅尔四十五岁,身材瘦长,满头松软的卷发,脸和胳膊都因打网球晒成了棕黑色。没喝醉的时候,他的每个动作和手势都很精确，非常的谨慎。
“可他确实是爱我的,梅尔,你得同意这个,”特芮说,“这是我对你的惟一请求。他爱我的方式和你的不一样。这不是我要说的。但他爱我,你能同意这一点,是吧?”
“你说他给搞砸了是什么意思?”我说。
劳拉端着杯子身子往前倾,她把双肘搁在桌上,两手握住酒杯。她瞟了眼梅尔,又瞟了眼特芮,单纯的脸上带着迷惑的神情等着答案，好像很奇怪这样的事情怎么会发生在你朋友身上呢。
“他自杀时怎么给搞砸的?”我说。
“我来告诉你们是怎么回事,”梅尔说。“他用他买的点二二手枪威胁我和特芮。噢，我不是开玩笑。这家伙老是威胁我们。真该让你们看看那些日子我们是怎么过的,像逃犯一样。我自己甚至买了一支枪。你能相信吗,像我这样的人？但我真的买了, 用来自卫，就放在车子仪表板旁的匣子里。有时我必须在半夜离开公寓去医院，知道吗？我和特芮那时还没结婚。房子、孩子、狗和所有的一切都归了我前妻，我和特芮住在现在这所公寓里。有时，像我说的那样，我会在半夜接到出诊电话,必须在凌晨两、三点钟赶到医院。停车场里一片漆黑,我还没走近车子就吓出一身冷汗来。不知什么时候他就会从灌木丛里窜出来或是从汽车后面给我一枪。我是说,这个人疯了,他完全有能力安装一个炸弹之类的东西。他没日没夜地打我的服务专线,说要和医生谈谈,我一回电话他就说,‘你这个婊子养的,你没几天活头了。’诸如此类的事情。我对你们讲，真是太恐怖了。”
“我还是为他感到难过。”特芮说。
“听起来像是一场噩梦,”劳拉说,“可是他开枪自杀后到底怎样了?”
劳拉是个法律秘书。我们是因为工作关系认识的。不知不觉中我们就好上了。她今年三十五岁,比我小三岁。除了彼此相爱外,我们相互欣赏并愿意在一起呆着。她是个容易相处的人。


“后来呢?”劳拉说。
梅尔说，“他在屋里朝自己的嘴里开了一枪,有人听到枪响,报告给经理。他们用总钥匙打开房门,看到发生的事情,叫了救护车。他被送来的时候我恰好在医院里。他还活着,但已经不可救药了。他活了三天,头肿得比正常人的头大了一倍。我以前从没见过这种情形,我希望这辈子再也不要见到了。特芮知道后想去陪他。我们为这事大吵了一场。我认为她不该看到他那副样子。我认为她根本就不该去见他，我现在还这么认为。”
“谁吵赢了?”劳拉问。
“他死时我在他的房间里陪着他,”特芮说,“他再也没能醒过来,但我一直陪着他。他没有别的亲人了。”
“他非常危险,”梅尔说,“如果你把那叫做爱情。那就请便吧。”
“那是爱情,”特芮说,“当然,在大多数人眼里那可能不太正常。可是他愿意为它而死,他确实为它死了。”
“我他妈说什么也不会称它为爱情,”梅尔说,“我是说,没有人明白自己为何而死。我见过许多人自杀,我可以说没有一个人知道自己到底为什么而死。”
梅尔把手放在脖子后面, 椅背向后倾斜着。“我对那种爱不感兴趣,”他说,“如果那也是爱情的话，它就归你了。”
特芮说，“我们那时很害怕。梅尔甚至立了一份遗嘱,并写信给他在加州做过特种兵的弟弟,告诉他一旦发生不测好去找谁。”
特芮喝着杯子里的酒。“梅尔是对的——我们过得像逃犯一样,整天提心吊胆的。特别是梅尔，是不是呀,亲爱的？我甚至报过警,但警察也无能为力。他们说必须等艾德真的干了什么才能采取行动。那不是笑话吗?”特芮说。
她把最后一滴酒倒进杯里,晃了晃瓶子。梅尔起身到橱柜旁，从里面又拿出一瓶来。


“嗯, 尼克和我知道什么是爱情,”劳拉说,“我是说,对我俩而言。”她用膝盖碰了碰我的膝盖。“你该说点什么了,”劳拉说，把笑脸转向我。
作为回答，我拿起劳拉的手举到嘴边，很夸张地吻了一下。大家都被逗笑了。
“我们很幸运,”我说。
“你们两个家伙,”特芮说,“快别那样，真让我恶心。你们还在蜜月期, 看在老天的份上。你们还狂热着呢，真是的。等着瞧吧。你俩在一起多久了?有多久了？一年?一年多?”
“有一年半了,”劳拉笑着答道。脸上泛起红晕。
“哦,那么,”特芮说,“等着瞧吧。”
她端着酒杯一动不动地看着劳拉。
“我只是开个玩笑,”特芮说。
梅尔打开杜松子酒，围着桌子给大家倒酒。
“嘿,伙计们,”他说。“咱们干一杯。我建议大家干一杯。为爱情干杯,”梅尔说。
我们碰了碰杯。
“为爱情。”我们说。


后院里，一只狗叫了起来。窗前那棵白杨树的叶子轻声拍打着窗玻璃。下午的太阳好像进到屋里来了,光线充沛舒适。我们有了如临仙境的感觉。我们再次举起酒杯,冲着彼此咧嘴笑着,像是一群商量好要去干一件不让干的事情的孩子。
“我来告诉你们什么是真正的爱情，”梅尔说。 “我是说，我会给你们举一个很好的例子。然后你们可以自己作结论。”他又往杯子里倒了些杜松子酒，加了块冰和一片酸橙。我们一边呷着酒，一边等着他。劳拉和我又碰了碰膝盖，我把一只手放在她温暖的大腿上，再也没挪开。
“我们当中有谁真正懂得爱情吗?”梅尔说，“在我看来，我们只不过是些爱情的新手。我们说我们彼此相爱，这没错，我不怀疑这点。我爱特芮，特芮爱我，你们俩也彼此相爱。你们知道我现在所说的这种爱是什么。肉体上的爱，那种把你驱向某个特别的人的冲动，还有对另一个人的本质的爱，爱他或她精神上的东西。肉欲之爱和……好吧，就叫它情感之爱吧，就是每天都关心着另外那个人。但有的时候，我很难接受我爱过我第一任妻子这个事实，但我爱过。我知道我爱过。所以我想就这点而论，我很像特芮。像特芮和艾德。”他想了一会儿接着说道，“曾经有一段时间我觉得我爱我前妻胜过爱我的生命。但现在我从心里恨透了她。我真的是这样。你们对此作何解释呢?那个爱情怎么了?它到底出了什么毛病，这是我想知道的。我希望有人能告诉我。再有就是艾德。好吧，我们又说起艾德了。他那么爱特芮，以致于想杀死她，最后他把自己给杀死了。”梅尔止住话头，吞了一大口酒。“你们俩在一起呆了十八个月，你们彼此相爱。从你们的一举一动里看得出来。你们因爱而发光。但是，你们在相遇之前也曾爱过别人。你们也都曾结过婚，像我们一样。甚至在这之前，你们可能还爱过其他的人。特芮和我在一块儿五年了，结婚也四年了。可怕的事情，可怕的事情是，不过也是件好事，不幸中的万幸吧，你可以这样说，就是如果我们中谁出了什么事——请原谅我这么说——但假如明天我们俩有谁出了事，我想另一个，另一个人会伤心一会儿，你们知道，但很快，活着的一方就会跑出去，再次恋爱，用不了多久就会另有新欢。所有这些，所有这些我们谈论的爱情，只不过是一种记忆罢了。甚至可能连记忆都不是。我错了吗?我说得太离谱了吗?如果你们认为我错了，我希望你们立刻给我指出来。我想知道。我的意思是，我什么也不清楚，我率先承认这一点。”
“梅尔，看在老天的份上，”特芮说。她伸出手握住他的手腕。“你快醉了吧？亲爱的？你已经醉了？”
“亲爱的，我只是说说话而已，”梅尔说。“行了吧？我不必非得喝醉了才能说出我的想法。我是说，我们大家只是随便聊聊，对不对？”梅尔说。他把眼光定在她身上。
“宝贝儿，我不是在批评你，”特芮说。
她端起她的杯子。
“我今天不值班，”梅尔说。“让我提醒你一下，我不值班，”他说。
“梅尔，我们都爱你，”劳拉说。
梅尔看着劳拉，像是认不出她来了似的，像是她不是从前的她了。
“也爱你，劳拉，”梅尔说。“还有你，尼克，也爱你。你们知道吗？”梅尔说。“你们俩是我们的好朋友，”梅尔说。
他端起他的杯子。


梅尔说，“我本来要告诉你们一件事，我是说，我想证明一点。注意了，这件事发生在几个月前，现在还没结束，它会让我们感到羞愧，我们在谈论爱情时，说起来就像知道自己在说什么一样。”
“行了，”特芮说。“没喝醉的话就别说醉话。”
“闭上你的嘴，哪怕就这一次，”梅尔安静地说道。“你能不能行行好把嘴闭上一分钟？我要说的故事是，有对老夫妇在高速公路上遭了车祸。一个年轻人撞了他们，他们给撞得稀烂，没人觉得他们能挺过来。”
特芮看了看我们，又回头看着梅尔。她看上去有点担忧，也许用这个词来形容太重了一点。
梅尔把酒瓶沿桌子传了一圈。
“那天晚上正赶上我值班,”梅尔说,“那是五月或六月的一天。我和特芮刚坐下准备吃晚饭,医院来了电话,高速公路上发生了这起车祸。喝醉了酒的孩子,十几岁的小年轻，开着他爸爸的小货车一头扎进了这老两口开的野营车上。这对夫妇七十来岁。这孩子（大约十八、九岁）没到医院就死了,方向盘穿透了他的胸骨。这对老夫妇还活着,你们知道，我是说,也就剩一口气了。他们遍体鳞伤,多处骨折,内伤，大出血,挫伤,撕裂伤,全了，而且，他们每人都得了脑震荡。他们的状况很糟糕，相信我说的。当然,他俩的年龄对他们来说更是双重的打击。要说那女的比那男的还要糟,除了以上说的外，她脾脏也破碎了，双膝的膝盖骨骨折。好在他们系了安全带,天晓得，这才暂时保住了他们的命。”
“伙计们，这是国家安全委员会的广告，”特芮说。“这是发言人梅尔文•麦克吉尼斯博士在发言。”特芮大笑。“梅尔，”她说，“有时你真是太那个了，但我爱你，宝贝，”她说。
“亲爱的，我爱你，”梅尔说。
他隔着桌子探身向前，特芮迎着他。他们接了个吻。
“特芮是对的,”梅尔坐下后说,“系上安全带。言归正传，他们还算有点人形，这俩老的。我赶到时,那个孩子已经死了,像我说的。他就在墙角的一张担架上躺着。我看了一眼那对老夫妇,告诉急救室的护士马上给我找一位神经科专家、一位整形外科医生和两个外科医生来。”
他端起杯子喝了一口， “我会尽量长话短说，”他说，“我们把这两个人抬进了手术室，没命地干了几乎一整夜。这俩人，他们的生命力简直不可思议。你偶尔会碰上这样的人。我们尽了一切努力，天快亮时，我们给了他们百分之五十的机会，给她的机会也许还少一点。就这样，他们第二天早上还活着。于是，我们把他们转到特护病房。呆在那里的两个星期里，他们一直顽强地支撑着，各方面都越变越好。我们就把他们转回到他们自己的病房。”
梅尔停了下来。“现在,”他说,“咱们干掉这瓶廉价的杜松子酒,然后去吃饭,好不好?我和特芮知道一个新去处,我们就去那儿,到那个新地方去。不过得先把这瓶廉价的烂酒喝完再说。”
特芮说:“实际上我们还没在那儿吃过饭。不过它看起来还不错，从外面看。”
“我喜欢食物,”梅尔说,“你们知道吗?如果我这辈子可以重来的话,我想当一名厨师，知道吗？是吧，特芮?”
他笑了起来。夹了块冰放进杯里。
“特芮知道,”他说,“她可以告诉你们,不过让我对你们说这个。如果我可以转世投胎到一个不同的年代，你们知道吗?我想投胎成一名骑士。因为穿着那身盔甲你会感到很安全。在枪和火药发明之前，做一名骑士是很不错的。”
“梅尔想骑着马，拿着根长矛，”特芮说。
“走哪儿都带着一个女人的头巾，”劳拉说。
“或一个女人，”梅尔说。
“真不害臊，”劳拉说。
特芮说，“假如你转世成一个农奴。那年头农奴的日子可不好过。”
“农奴的日子从来就没好过过，”梅尔说。“但我猜就连骑士也是别人的扑人【1】。难道不是这样？另一方面讲每个人都是别人的扑人。不是那样吗，特芮？我喜欢武士，除了女士外，还因为那一身盔甲，要知道，他们不会轻易受到伤害。那会儿没有汽车，知道吧? 不会有喝醉的年青人来撞你的屁股。”


“仆人，”特芮说。
“什么？”梅尔说。
“仆人，”特芮说。“他们叫仆人，不是扑人。”
“仆人，扑人，”梅尔说，“有他妈的什么差别？你反正知道我的意思。行了吧，”梅尔说。“我没文化，我知道我的那点玩意儿。我是心脏外科医生，没错，但我只是个修理工。我在里面乱整一气，把东西鼓捣好。他妈的，”梅尔说。
“没见你这么谦虚过，”特芮说。
“他只不过是个谦虚的江湖郎中，”我说。“不过梅尔,他们有时会闷死在盔甲里。如果里面太热而他们又累又乏的话,他们甚至要得心脏病。我读到过他们有时会从马背上掉下来,爬不起来了,因为那副盔甲使得他们累得站都站不起来。他们有时被自己的马踩在脚下。”
“那太可怕了，”梅尔说。“那是件很恐怖的事情。尼基【2】。我猜他们只好躺在那儿等着，直到有人过来把他们做成羊肉串。”
“其他的扑人，”特芮说。
“正是，”梅尔说。“一些仆人会过来把这个狗杂种刺死，以爱的名义，或他妈的那些他们在那时为之而战的东西。”
“和我们现在为之而战的东西一样，”特芮说。
劳拉说，“什么都没变。”
劳拉的脸色还是红红的。她的眼睛发亮。她把杯子送到嘴边。
梅尔又给自己倒了杯酒。他仔细地看着标签，像是在琢磨一长串数字。他然后慢慢地把酒瓶放在桌上，又慢慢地去拿奎宁水。



“那对老夫妇怎样了？”劳拉说。“你的故事还没讲完。”
劳拉点不着烟，她的火柴老是熄掉。
屋内的光线和刚才不一样了,变得越来越暗淡了。但窗外的树叶子还在闪闪发亮。我凝视着它们在窗子玻璃和贴着佛米卡贴面的台子上留下的图案。当然,它们和先前留下的不一样了。
“那对老夫妇怎样了？”我说。
“更老但更聪明了，”特芮说。梅尔瞪了她一眼。
特芮说，“继续你的故事，宝贝，我只是开个玩笑。后来怎样了？”
“特芮，有的时候，”梅尔说
“梅尔，别这样，”特芮说。“别总这么严肃，甜心。连个笑话都受不了？”
“哪儿好笑？”梅尔说。
他握着杯子，目不转睛地看着他的妻子。
“后来呢？”劳拉说。
梅尔把目光定在劳拉身上。他说，“劳拉，假如我没有特芮，假如我不是这么爱她，假如尼克不是我最好的朋友，我会爱上你的。我会把你掠走，亲爱的，”他说。
“讲你的故事，”特芮说.“然后我们就去那个新地方，可以吗？”
“可以，”梅尔说。“我说到哪儿了？”他说。他盯着桌子看了会儿，又开始了。
“我每天都顺便过去看看他俩,有时一天两次,如果恰好我在那儿有别的事情。石膏和绷带,从头到脚,两个都这样。你们知道，就像在电影里看到的那样。他们就是那副样子,跟电影里的一模一样。只在眼睛、鼻子、嘴那儿留了几个小洞。她还必须把两条腿吊起来。她丈夫抑郁了好一阵子。即使在得知他妻子会活下来后,他的情绪仍旧很低落。但不是因为这场事故，我是说,事故只是一方面,但不是所有的。我贴近他嘴那儿的小洞，他说不，不是这场事故让他伤心,而是因为他从眼洞里看不到她,他说那才是他悲伤的原因。你们能想像得到吗?我告诉你们,这个男人的心碎了,因为他不能转动他那该死的头来看他那该死的老婆。”
梅尔看了看大家，想要说什么，又摇了摇头。
“我是说，看不见那个狗日的女人，这简直要了那个老狗屁的命。”
我们都看着梅尔。
“你们明白我说的吗？”他说。


也许这时候我们都有点醉了。我很难把注意力集中起来。阳光从房间里消退，从它进来的那个窗子退了出去。尽管这样，仍没有人站起身来，去打开头顶的灯。
“听着，”梅尔说。“我们喝完这狗日的杜松子酒。剩下的刚够每人一杯。然后我们去吃饭。我们去那个新地方。”
“他有点沮丧，“特芮说。“梅尔，你为什么不吃片药？”
梅尔摇了摇头。“我什么都吃过了。”
“谁都有需要药片的时候”我说。
“有些人生来就需要它们，”特芮说。
她在用她的手指来刮桌子上的东西，稍后，她停了下来。
“我觉得我想给我的孩子打个电话，”梅尔说。“你们都不介意吧？我去给我的孩子打电话。”他说。
特芮说，“要是玛乔里接电话怎么办?你俩听我们说过玛乔里的事吧?亲爱的,你知道你不愿意跟玛乔里说话,那只会使你更加难受。”
“我不想和玛乔里说话，”梅尔说。“但我想和我的孩子说话。”
“梅尔没有一天不唠叨这件事，他希望她再嫁人,要不就死掉,”特芮说,“不说别的,”她说,“她在让我们破产。梅尔说她不结婚是为了故意刁难他。她有个男朋友跟她和孩子们住在一起。所以,梅尔也在养着她的男朋友。”
“她对蜜蜂过敏，”梅尔说。“如果我不祈祷她再婚，就祈祷她被一群狗日的蜜蜂扎死。”
“真可耻，”劳拉说。
“呲呲呲呲呲呲呲——”,梅尔用手指作蜜蜂状在特芮的喉咙上比划着。然后双手垂下来，一直垂到身子两旁。
“她很邪恶，”梅尔说。“有时我真想装扮成一个养蜂人去找她。你知道吗？戴着那种像头盔一样的帽子,有可以放下来遮住脸的挡板,大手套和防护服。我去敲门,把一窝蜜蜂都放到她屋子里去。当然，我得首先确保孩子们都不在家。”
他把一条腿跷到另一条腿上，看上去他费了很大的劲。然后，他把两只脚都放在地板上，身体前倾，手肘支在桌子上，用双手托住下巴。
“要不我还是不给孩子们打电话了,这恐怕不是个什么好主意。也许咱们直接去吃饭，怎么样?”
“听起来不错，”我说。“吃或者不吃，或者接着喝。我可以现在就出去，向落日走去。”
“那是什么意思，亲爱的？”劳拉说。
“就是我说的意思，”我说。“就是说我可以这样继续下去，就是这么个意思。”
“我可要吃点东西,”劳拉说,“我想我这辈子从来没这么饿过。有什么可以垫垫的?”
“我去拿点奶酪和饼干，”特芮说。
但特芮只是坐在那儿，没有起身去拿任何东西。
梅尔把他的酒杯倒扣过来，酒洒在了桌子上。
“酒没了，”梅尔说。
特芮说，“现在干吗呢？”
我能听见我的心跳。我能听见所有人的心跳。我能听见我们坐在那儿发出的噪音，直到房间全都黑下来了，也没有人动一下。



【1】这里梅尔想说“骑士也是别人的仆人”。“仆人”对应的英文为“Vassals”，梅尔把它说成了“vessels”。可以看出来这是个拼写错误（a变成了e），有点像中文里的“白字”。Vessels的中文翻译为“容器、船”，在这里如照字面翻，就没有念白字的味道了。所以可以把“vessels”译成“扑”。在后面的对话里，特芮还会用这个“白字“来讥笑梅尔。

【2】尼克（Nick）和尼基（Nicky）都是“尼古拉斯（Nicolas）的昵称。尼基更亲密一点。


《What We Talk About When We Talk About Love》

My friend Mel McGinnis was talking. Mel McGinnis is a cardiologist, and sometimes that gives him the right.
The four of us were sitting around his kitchen table drinking gin. Sunlight filled the kitchen from the big window behind the sink. There were Mel and me and his second wife, Teresa--Terri, we called her—and my wife, Laura. We lived in Albuquerque then. But we were all from somewhere else.
There was an ice bucket on the table. The gin and the tonic water kept going around, and we somehow got on the subject of love. Mel thought real love was nothing less than spiritual love. He said he'd spent five years in a seminary before quitting to go to medical school. He said he still looked back on those years in the seminary as the most important years in his life.
Terri said the man she lived with before she lived with Mel loved her so much he tried to kill her. Then Terri said, "He beat me up one night. He dragged me around the living room by my ankles. He kept saying, 'I love you, I love you, you bitch.' He went on dragging me around the living room. My head kept knocking on things." Terri looked around the table. "What do you do with love like that?"
She was a bone-thin woman with a pretty face, dark eyes, and brown hair that hung down her back. She liked necklaces made of turquoise, and long pendant earrings.
"My God, don't be silly. That's not love, and you know it," Mel said. "I don't know what you'd call it, but I sure know you wouldn't call it love."
"Say what you want to, but I know it was," Terri said. "It may sound crazy to you, but it's true just the same. People are different, Mel. Sure, sometimes he may have acted crazy. Okay. But he loved me. In his own way maybe, but he loved me. There was love there, Mel. Don't say there wasn't."
Mel let out his breath. He held his glass and turned to Laura and me. "The man threatened to kill me," Mel said. He finished his drink and reached for the gin bottle. "Terri's a romantic. Terri's of the kick-me so-I'll-know-you-love-me school. Terri, hon, don't look that way." Mel reached across the table and touched Terri's cheek with his fingers. He grinned at her.
"Now he wants to make up," Terri said.
"Make up what?" Mel said. "What is there to make up? I know what I know. That's all."
"How'd we get started on this subject, anyway?" Terri said. She raised her glass and drank from it. "Mel always has love on his mind," she said. "Don't you, honey?" She smiled, and I thought that was the last of it.
"I just wouldn't call Ed's behavior love. That's all I'm saying, honey," Mel said. "What about you guys?" Mel said to Laura and me. "Does that sound like love to you?"
"I'm the wrong person to ask," I said. "I didn't even know the man. I've only heard his name mentioned in passing. I wouldn't know. You'd have to know the particulars. But I think what you're saying is that love is an absolute."
Mel said, "The kind of love I'm talking about is. The kind of love I'm talking about, you don't try to kill people."
Laura said, "I don't know anything about Ed, or anything about the situation. But who can judge anyone else's situation?"
I touched the back of Laura's hand. She gave me a quick smile. I picked up Laura's hand. It was warm, the nails polished, perfectly manicured. I encircled the broad wrist with my fingers, and I held her.


“When I left, he drank rat poison," Terri said. She clasped her arms with her hands. "They took him to the hospital in Santa Fe. That's where we lived then, about ten miles out. They saved his life. But his gums went crazy from it. I mean they pulled away from his teeth. After that, his teeth stood out like fangs. My God," Terri said. She waited a minute, then let go of her arms and picked up her glass.
"What people won't do!" Laura said.
"He's out of the action now," Mel said. "He's dead."
Mel handed me the saucer of limes. I took a section, squeezed it over my drink, and stirred the ice cubes with my finger.
"It gets worse," Terri said. "He shot himself in the mouth. But he bungled that too. Poor Ed," she said. Terri shook her head.
"Poor Ed nothing," Mel said. "He was dangerous."
Mel was forty-five years old. He was tall and rangy with curly soft hair. His face and arms were brown from the tennis he played. When he was sober, his gestures, all his movements, were precise, very careful.
"He did love me though, Mel. Grant me that," Terri said. "That's all I'm asking. He didn't love me the way you love me. I'm not saying that. But he loved me. You can grant me that, can't you?"
"What do you mean, he bungled it?" I said.
Laura leaned forward with her glass. She put her elbows on the table and held her glass in both hands. She glanced from Mel to Terri and waited with a look of bewilderment on her open face, as if amazed that such things happened to people you were friendly with.
"How'd he bungle it when he killed himself?" I said.
"I'll tell you what happened," Mel said. "He took this twenty-two pistol he'd bought to threaten Terri and me with. Oh, I'm serious, the man was always threatening. You should have seen the way we lived in those days. Like fugitives. I even bought a gun myself. Can you believe it? A guy like me? But I did. I bought one for self-defense and carried it in the glove compartment. Sometimes I'd have to leave the apartment in the middle of the night. To go to the hospital, you know? Terri and I weren't married then, and my first wife had the house and kids, the dog, everything, and Terri and I were living in this apartment here. Sometimes, as I say, I'd get a call in the middle of the night and have to go in to the hospital at two or three in the morning. It'd be dark out there in the parking lot, and I'd break into a sweat before I could even get to my car. I never knew if he was going to come up out of the shrubbery or from behind a car and start shooting. I mean, the man was crazy. He was capable of wiring a bomb, anything. He used to call my service at all hours and say he needed to talk to the doctor, and when I'd return the call, he'd say, 'Son of a bitch, your days are numbered.' Little things like that. It was scary, I'm telling you."
"I still feel sorry for him," Terri said.
"It sounds like a nightmare," Laura said. "But what exactly happened after he shot himself?"
Laura is a legal secretary. We'd met in a professional capacity. Before we knew it, it was a courtship. She's thirty-five, three years younger than I am. In addition to being in love, we like each other and enjoy one another's company. She's easy to be with.



What happened?" Laura said.
Mel said, "He shot himself in the mouth in his room. Someone heard the shot and told the manager. They came in with a passkey, saw what had happened, and called an ambulance. I happened to be there when they brought him in, alive but past recall. The man lived for three days. His head swelled up to twice the size of a normal head. I'd never seen anything like it, and I hope I never do again. Terri wanted to go in and sit with him when she found out about it. We had a fight over it. I didn't think she should see him like that. I didn't think she should see him, and I still don't."
"Who won the fight?" Laura said.
"I was in the room with him when he died," Terri said. "He never came up out of it. But I sat with him. He didn't have anyone else."
"He was dangerous," Mel said. "If you call that love, you can have it."
"It was love," Terri said. "Sure, it's abnormal in most people's eyes. But he was willing to die for it. He did die for it."
"I sure as hell wouldn't call it love," Mel said. "I mean, no one knows what he did it for. I've seen a lot of suicides, and I couldn't say anyone ever knew what they did it for."
Mel put his hands behind his neck and tilted his chair back. "I'm not interested in that kind of love," he said. "If that's love, you can have it."
Terri said, "We were afraid. Mel even made a will out and wrote to his brother in California who used to be a Green Beret. Mel told him who to look for if something happened to him."
Terri drank from her glass. She said, "But Mel's right--we lived like fugitives. We were afraid. Mel was, weren't you, honey? I even called the police at one point, but they were no help. They said they couldn't do anything until Ed actually did something. Isn't that a laugh?" Terri said.
She poured the last of the gin into her glass and waggled the bottle. Mel got up from the table and went to the cupboard. He took down another bottle.


“Well, Nick and I know what love is," Laura said. "For us, I mean," Laura said. She bumped my knee with her knee. "You're supposed to say something now," Laura said, and turned her smile on me.
For an answer, I took Laura's hand and raised it to my lips. I made a big production out of kissing her hand. Everyone was amused.
"We're lucky," I said.
"You guys," Terri said. "Stop that now. You're making me sick. You're still on the honeymoon, for God's sake. You're still gaga, for crying out loud. Just wait. How long have you been together now? How long has it been? A year? Longer than a year?"
"Going on a year and a half," Laura said, flushed and smiling.
"Oh, now," Terri said. "Wait awhile." She held her drink and gazed at Laura.
"I'm only kidding," Terri said.
Mel opened the gin and went around the table with the bottle.
"Here, you guys," he said. "Let's have a toast. I want to propose a toast. A toast to love. To true love," Mel said.
We touched glasses.
"To love," we said.


Outside in the backyard, one of the dogs began to bark. The leaves of the aspen that leaned past the window ticked against the glass. The afternoon sun was like a presence in this room, the spacious light of ease and generosity. We could have been anywhere, somewhere enchanted. We raised our glasses again and grinned at each other like children who had agreed on something forbidden.
"I'll tell you what real love is," Mel said. "I mean, I'll give you a good example. And then you can draw your own conclusions." He poured more gin into his glass. He added an ice cube and a sliver of lime. We waited and sipped our drinks. Laura and I touched knees again. I put a hand on her warm thigh and left it there.
"What do any of us really know about love?" Mel said. "It seems to me we're just beginners at love. We say we love each other and we do, I don't doubt it. I love Terri and Terri loves me, and you guys love each other too. You know the kind of love I'm talking about now. Physical love, that impulse that drives you to someone special, as well as love of the other person's being, his or her essence, as it were. Carnal love and, well, call it sentimental love, the day-to-day caring about the other person. But sometimes I have a hard time accounting for the fact that I must have loved my first wife too. But I did, I know I did. So I suppose I am like Terri in that regard. Terri and Ed." He thought about it and then he went on. "There was a time when I thought I loved my first wife more than life itself. But now I hate her guts. I do. How do you explain that? What happened to that love? What happened to it, is what I'd like to know. I wish someone could tell me. Then there's Ed. Okay, we're back to Ed. He loves Terri so much he tries to kill her and he winds up killing himself." Mel stopped talking and swallowed from his glass. "You guys have been together eighteen months and you love each other. It shows all over you. You glow with it. But you both loved other people before you met each other. You've both been married before, just like us. And you probably loved other people before that too, even. Terri and I have been together five years, been married for four. And the terrible thing, the terrible thing is, but the good thing too, the saving grace, you might say, is that if something happened to one of us-- excuse me for saying this--but if something happened to one of us tomorrow, I think the other one, the other person, would grieve for a while, you know, but then the surviving party would go out and love again, have someone else soon enough. All this, all of this love we're talking about, it would just be a memory. Maybe not even a memory. Am I wrong? Am I way off base? Because I want you to set me straight if you think I'm wrong. I want to know. I mean, I don't know anything, and I'm the first one to admit it."
"Mel, for God's sake," Terri said. She reached out and took hold of his wrist. "Are you getting drunk? Honey? Are you drunk?"
"Honey, I'm just talking," Mel said. "All right? I don't have to be drunk to say what I think. I mean, we're all just talking, right?" Mel said. He fixed his eyes on her.
"Sweetie, I'm not criticizing," Terri said.
She picked up her glass.
"I'm not on call today," Mel said. "Let me remind you of that. I am not on call," he said.
"Mel, we love you," Laura said.
Mel looked at Laura. He looked at her as if he could not place her, as if she was not the woman she was.
"Love you too, Laura," Mel said. "And you, Nick, love you too. You know something?" Mel said. "You guys are our pals," Mel said.
He picked up his glass.



He said, "I was going to tell you about something. I mean, I was going to prove a point. You see, this happened a few months ago, but it's still going on right now, and it ought to make us feel ashamed when we talk like we know what we're talking about when we talk about love."
"Come on now," Terri said. "Don't talk like you're drunk if you're not drunk."
"Just shut up for once in your life," Mel said very quietly. "Will you do me a favor and do that for a minute? So as I was saying, there's this old couple who had this car wreck out on the interstate. A kid hit them and they were all torn to shit and nobody was giving them much chance to pull through."
Terri looked at us and then back at Mel. She seemed anxious, or maybe that's too strong a word.
Mel was handing the bottle around the table.
"I was on call that night," Mel said. "It was May or maybe it was June. Terri and I had just sat down to dinner when the hospital called. There'd been this thing out on the interstate. Drunk kid, teenager, plowed his dad's pickup into this camper with this old couple in it. They were up in their mid-seventies, that couple. The kid--eighteen, nineteen, something --he was DOA. Taken the steering wheel through his sternum. The old couple, they were alive, you understand. I mean, just barely. But they had everything. Multiple fractures, internal injuries, hemorrhaging, contusions, lacerations, the works, and they each of them had themselves concussions. They were in a bad way, believe me. And, of course, their age was two strikes against them. I'd say she was worse off than he was. Ruptured spleen along with everything else. Both kneecaps broken. But they'd been wearing their seatbelts and, God knows, that's what saved them for the time being."
"Folks, this is an advertisement for the National Safety Council," Terri said. "This is your spokesman, Dr Melvin R. McGinnis, talking." Terri laughed. "Mel," she said, "sometimes you're just too much. But I love you, hon," she said.
"Honey, I love you," Mel said.
He leaned across the table. Terri met him halfway. They kissed.
"Terri's right," Mel said as he settled himself again. "Get those seatbelts on. But seriously, they were in some shape, those oldsters. By the time I got down there, the kid was dead, as I said. He was off in a corner, laid out on a gurney. I took one look at the old couple and told the ER nurse to get me a neurologist and an orthopedic man and a couple of surgeons down there right away."
He drank from his glass. "I'll try to keep this short," he said. "So we took the two of them up to the OR and worked like fuck on them most of the night. They had these incredible reserves, those two. You see that once in a while. So we did everything that could be done, and toward morning we're giving them a fifty-fifty chance, maybe less than that for her. So here they are, still alive the next morning. So, okay, we move them into the ICU, which is where they both kept plugging away at it for two weeks, hitting it better and better on all the scopes. So we transfer them out to their own room."
Mel stopped talking. "Here," he said, "let's drink this cheapo gin the hell up. Then we're going to dinner, right? Terri and I know a new place. That's where we'll go, to this new place we know about. But we're not going until we finish up this cut-rate, lousy gin."
Terri said, "We haven't actually eaten there yet. But it looks good. From the outside, you know."
"I like food," Mel said. "If I had it to do all over again, I'd be a chef, you know? Right, Terri?" Mel said.
He laughed. He fingered the ice in his glass.
"Terri knows," he said. "Terri can tell you. But let me say this. If I could come back again in a different life, a different time and all, you know what? I'd like to come back as a knight. You were pretty safe wearing all that armor. It was all right being a knight until gunpowder and muskets and pistols came along."
"Mel would like to ride a horse and carry a lance," Terri said.
"Carry a woman's scarf with you everywhere," Laura said.
"Or just a woman," Mel said.
"Shame on you," Laura said.
Terri said, "Suppose you came back as a serf. The serfs didn't have it so good in those days," Terri said.
"The serfs never had it good," Mel said. "But I guess even the knights were vessels to someone. Isn't that the way it worked? But then everyone is always a vessel to someone. Isn't that right, Terri? But what I liked about knights, besides their ladies, was that they had that suit of armor, you know, and they couldn't get hurt very easy. No cars in those days, you know? No drunk teenagers to tear into your ass.


" Vassals," Terri said.
"What?" Mel said.
"Vassals," Terri said. "They were called vassals, not vessels."
"Vassals, vessels," Mel said, "what the fuck's the difference? You knew what I meant anyway. All right," Mel said. "So I'm not educated. I learned my stuff. I'm a heart surgeon, sure, but I'm just a mechanic. I go in and I fuck around and I fix things. Shit," Mel said.
"Modesty doesn't become you," Terri said.
"He's just a humble sawbones," I said. "But sometimes they suffocated in all that armor, Mel. They'd even have heart attacks if it got too hot and they were too tired and worn out. I read somewhere that they'd fall off their horses and not be able to get up because they were too tired to stand with all that armor on them. They got trampled by their own horses sometimes."
"That's terrible," Mel said. "That's a terrible thing, Nicky. I guess they'd just lay there and wait until somebody came along and made a shish kebab out of them."
"Some other vessel," Terri said.
"That's right," Mel said. "Some vassal would come along and spear the bastard in the name of love. Or whatever the fuck it was they fought over in those days."
"Same things we fight over these days," Terri said.
Laura said, "Nothing's changed."
The color was still high in Laura's cheeks. Her eyes were bright. She brought her glass to her lips.
Mel poured himself another drink. He looked at the label closely as if studying a long row of numbers. Then he slowly put the bottle down on the table and slowly reached for the tonic water.



“What about the old couple?" Laura said. "You didn't finish that story you started."
Laura was having a hard time lighting her cigarette. Her matches kept going out.
The sunshine inside the room was different now, changing, getting thinner. But the leaves outside the window were still shimmering, and I stared at the pattern they made on the panes and on the Formica counter. They weren't the same patterns, of course.
"What about the old couple?" I said.
"Older but wiser," Terri said. Mel stared at her.
Terri said, "Go on with your story, hon. I was only kidding. Then what happened?"
"Terri, sometimes," Mel said.
"Please, Mel," Terri said. "Don't always be so serious, sweetie. Can't you take a joke?"
"Where's the joke?" Mel said.
He held his glass and gazed steadily at his wife.
"What happened?" Laura said.
Mel fastened his eyes on Laura. He said, "Laura, if I didn't have Terri and if I didn't love her so much, and if Nick wasn't my best friend, I'd fall in love with you. I'd carry you off, honey," he said.
"Tell your story," Terri said. "Then we'll go to that new place, okay?"
"Okay," Mel said. "Where was I?" he said. He stared at the table and then he began again.
"I dropped in to see each of them every day, sometimes twice a day if I was up doing other calls anyway. Casts and bandages, head to foot, the both of them. You know, you've seen it in the movies.
That's just the way they looked, just like in the movies. Little eye-holes and nose-holes and mouth-holes. And she had to have her legs slung up on top of it. Well, the husband was very depressed for the longest while. Even after he found out that his wife was going to pull through, he was still very depressed. Not about the accident, though. I mean, the accident was one thing, but it wasn't everything. I'd get up to his mouth-hole, you know, and he'd say no, it wasn't the accident exactly but it was because he couldn't see her through his eye-holes. He said that was what was making him feel so bad. Can you imagine? I'm telling you, the man's heart was breaking because he couldn't turn his goddamn head and see his goddamn wife."
Mel looked around the table and shook his head at what he was going to say.
"I mean, it was killing the old fart just because he couldn't look at the fucking woman."
We all looked at Mel.
"Do you see what I'm saying?" he said.


Maybe we were a little drunk by then. I know it was hard keeping things in focus. The light was draining out of the room, going back through the window where it had come from. Yet nobody made a move to get up from the table to turn on the overhead light.
"Listen," Mel said. "Let's finish this fucking gin. There's about enough left here for one shooter all around. Then let's go eat. Let's go to the new place."
"He's depressed," Terri said. "Mel, why don't you take a pill?" Mel shook his head. "I've taken everything there is."
"We all need a pill now and then," I said.
"Some people are born needing them," Terri said.
She was using her finger to rub at something on the table. Then she stopped rubbing.
"I think I want to call my kids," Mel said. "Is that all right with everybody? I'll call my kids," he said.
Terri said, "What if Marjorie answers the phone? You guys, you've heard us on the subject of Marjorie? Honey, you know you don't want to talk to Marjorie. It'll make you feel even worse."
"I don't want to talk to Marjorie," Mel said. "But I want to talk to my kids."
"There isn't a day goes by that Mel doesn't say he wishes she'd get married again. Or else die," Terri said. "For one thing," Terri said, "she's bankrupting us. Mel says it's just to spite him that she won't get married again. She has a boyfriend who lives with her and the kids, so Mel is supporting the boyfriend too."
"She's allergic to bees," Mel said. "If I'm not praying she'll get married again, I'm praying she'll get herself stung to death by a swarm of fucking bees."
"Shame on you," Laura said.
"Bzzzzzzz," Mel said, turning his fingers into bees and buzzing them at Terri's throat. Then he let his hands drop all the way to his sides.
"She's vicious," Mel said. "Sometimes I think I'll go up there dressed like a beekeeper. You know, that hat that's like a helmet with the plate that comes-down over your face, the big gloves, and the padded coat? I'll knock on the door and let loose a hive of bees in the house. But first I'd make sure the kids were out, of course."
He crossed one leg over the other. It seemed to take him a lot of time to do it. Then he put both feet on the floor and leaned forward, elbows on the table, his chin cupped in his hands.
"Maybe I won't call the kids, after all. Maybe it isn't such a hot idea. Maybe we'll just go eat. How does that sound?"
"Sounds fine to me," I said. "Eat or not eat. Or keep drinking. I could head right on out into the sunset."
"What does that mean, honey?" Laura said.
"It just means what I said," I said. "It means I could just keep going. That's all it means."
"I could eat something myself," Laura said. "I don't think I've ever been so hungry in my life. Is there something to nibble on?"
"I'll put out some cheese and crackers," Terri said.
But Terri just sat there. She did not get up to get anything.
Mel turned his glass over. He spilled it out on the table.
"Gin's gone," Mel said.
Terri said, "Now what?"
I could hear my heart beating. I could hear everyone's heart. I could hear the human noise we sat there making, not one of us moving, not even when the room went dark.