My name is Mary Alice Young.
When you read this morning's paper, you may come across an article
about the unusual day I had last week.
Normally, there's never anything newsworthy about my life,
but that all changed last thursday.
Of course, everything seemed quite normal at first.
I made breakfast for my family.
I performed my chores.
I completed my projects.
I ran my errands.
In truth, I spent the day as I spent every other day --
quietly polishing the routine of my life until it gleamed with perfection.
That's why it was so astonishing when I decided to go to my hallway closet
and retrieve a revolver that had never been used.
My body was discovered by my neighbor mrs. Martha Huber,
who had been startled by a strange popping sound.
Her curiosity aroused,
mrs. Huber tried to think of a reason for dropping in on me unannounced.
After some initial hesitation,
she decided to return the blender she had borrowed from me six months before.
It's my neighbor. I think she's been shot.
There's blood everywhere.
Yes. You've got to send an ambulance. You've got to send one right now.
And for a moment,
mrs. Huber stood motionless in her kitchen,
grief-stricken by this senseless tragedy...
But only for a moment.
If there was one thing mrs. Huber was known for,
it was her ability to look on the bright side.
I was laid to rest on a monday.
After the funeral, all the residents of wisteria lane came to pay their respects.
And, as people do in these situations, they brought food.
Lynette Scavo brought fried chicken.
Lynette had a great family recipe for fried chicken.
Of course, she didn't cook much while she was moving up the corporate ladder.
She didn't have the time.
But when her doctor announced Lynette was pregnant,
her husband Tom had an idea.
"Why not quit your job?
"Kids do better with stay-at-home moms. It would be so much less stressful."
But this was not the case.
In fact, Lynette's life had become so hectic,
she was now forced to get her fried chicken from a fast-food restaurant.
Lynette would have appreciated the irony if she stopped to think about it,
but she couldn't. She didn't have the time.
- Stop it !
- But, mom!
you are going to behave today.
I am not going to be humiliated in front of the entire neighborhood.
And just so you know how serious I am...
Santa's cell phone number.
How'd you get that?
I know someone who knows someone who knows an elf,
and if any of you acts up, so help me, I will call Santa,
and I will tell him you want socks for Christmas.
You willing to risk that?
Okay. Let's get this over with.
Gabrielle Solis, who lives down the block,
brought a spicy paella.
Since her modeling days in New York,
Gabrielle had developed a taste for rich food...
and rich men.
Carlos, who worked in mergersnd acquisitions,
proposed on their third date.
so nice! thank you!
Gabrielle was touched when tears welled up in his eyes,
but she soon discovered this happened
every time Carlos closed the big deal.
Gabrielle liked her paella piping hot.
However, her relationship with her husband was considerably cooler.
Mark ,good one
If you talk to Al Mason at this thing,
I want you to casually mention how much I paid for your necklace.
He let me know how much he paid for his wife's new convertible.
Why don't I just pin the receipt to my chest?
Look, just work it into the conversation.
There's no way I can just work that in, Carlos.
At the Donoghue party, everyone was talking mutual funds,
and you found a way to mention you slept with half the Yankee outfield.
I'm telling you, it came up in the context of the conversation.
Hey, people are starting to stare. Can you keep your voice down, please?
Absolutely. We wouldn't want them to think we're not happy.
Bree van de Kamp, who lives next door,
brought baskets of muffins she baked from scratch.
Bree was known for her cooking,
and for making her own clothes,
and for doing her own gardening,
and for reupholstering her own furniture.
Yes, Bree's many talents were known throughout the neighborhood,
and everyone on Wisteria lane thought of Bree as the perfect wife and mother.
Everyone, that is, except her own family.
Hello, mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree, you shouldn't have gone to all this trouble.
It was no trouble at all.
Now, the basket with the red ribbon is filled with desserts for your guests,
but the one with the blue ribbon is just for you and Zachary.
It's got rolls, muffins, breakfast-type things.
Well, the least I could do is
make sure you boys had a decent meal to look forward to in the morning.
I know you're out of your minds with grief.
Yes, we are.
Of course, I will need the baskets back once you're done.
Susan Mayer, who lives across the street,
brought macaroni and cheese.
Her husband Carl always teased her about her macaroni,
saying it was the only thing she knew how to cook,
and she rarely made it well.
It was too salty the night she and Carl moved into their house.
It was too watery the night she found lipstick on Carl's shirt.
She burned it the night carl told her he was leaving her for his secretary.
A year had passed since the divorce.
Susan had started to think how nice it would be to have a man in her life,
even one who would make fun of her cooking.
Mom... why would someone kill themselves?
Well... sometimes people are so unhappy,
they think that's the only way they can solve their problems.
But mrs. Young always seemed happy.
Yeah, sometimes people pretend to be one way on the outside when they're totally different on the inside.
Oh, you mean like how dad's girlfriend always smiling and says nice things,
but deep down, you just know she's a bitch?
I don't like that word, Julie.
But, yeah, that's a great example.
Hey, what's going on? Sorry I'm late.
Hey. So, what did Carl say when you confronted him?
You'll love this. He said...
"it doesn't mean anything. It was just sex."
Ah, yes, page one of the philanderer's handbook.
Yeah, and then he got this zen look on his face, and he said, "you know, Susan,
most men live lives of quiet desperation."
Please tell me you punched him.
No, I said, "really? And what do most women lead
lives of noisy fulfillment?"
Hmm. Good for you.
I mean, of all people, did he have to bang his secretary? I had that woman over for brunch.
It's like my grandmother always said -- an erect penis doesn't have a conscience.
Even the limp ones aren't that ethical.
This is half the reason I joined the NRA.
Well, when Rex started going to those medical conferences,
I wanted it in the back of his mind that he had a loving wife at home
with a loaded Smith & Wesson.
Lynnie, Tom's always away on business. Do you ever worry he might?
Oh, please, the man's gotten me pregnant three times in four years.
I wish he was having sex with someone else.
So, Susan, is he going to stop seeing that woman?
I don't know.
I'm sorry, you guys. I just...
I just don't know how I'm going to survive this.
Listen to me.
We all have moments of desperation.
But if we can face them head-on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are.
Susan. I was just saying Paul wants us to go over on friday.
He needs us to go through Mary Alice's closetand help pack up her things.
He said he can't face doing it by himself.
Sure. That's fine.
Are you okay?
I'm just so angry.
If Mary Alice was having problems,she should have come to us.
She should have let us help her.
What kind of problems could she have had?
She was healthy, had a great home, a nice family.
- Her life was...
- Our life.
No, if Mary Alice was having some sort of crisis, we'd have known.
She lives 50 feet away, for god's sakes.
Gabby, the woman killed herself.
Something must have been going on.
I wouldn't eat that if I were you.
I made it. Trust me.
Hey, hey, do you -- do you have a death wish?
No, I just refuse to believe that anybody cans crew up macaroni and cheese.
Oh, my god.
How did you -- it tastes like it's burned and undercooked.
Yeah, I get that a lot. Here you go.
Ha ha. Thanks.
I'm Mike Delfino. I just started renting the simms house next door.
Susan Mayer. I live across the street.
Oh, yeah, mrs. Huber told me about you.
Said you illustrate children's books.
Yeah, I'm very big with the under-5 set.
- What do you do?
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So if you ever have a clog...
Now that everybody's seen that I brought something,
I should probably just throw this out.
Ease up, you little vampire.
Lynette, I've been looking all over for you.
Are you aware of what your sons are doing?
What are you doing? We are at a wake.
When we got here, you said we could go in the pool.
I said you could go by the pool.
Do you have your swimsuits on?
Yeah, we put them under our clothes before we left.
You three planned this? All right. That's it. Get out!
I am your mother. You have to do what I say. Come on.
We want to swim, and you can't stop us!
Get out, or I will get in this pool and just grab you. Get out!
Get over here.
Get -- get over here!
All right, give me your arm. Get back --
He had other things on his mind --
things below the surface.
The morning after my funeral,
my friends and neighbors quietly went back to their busy, busy lives.
While some did their cooking...
and some did their cleaning...
and some did their yoga...
others did their homework.
I'm Julie. I kicked my soccer ball into your backyard.
Oh, okay. Well, let's go around and get it.
His wife died a year ago.
He wanted to stay in L.A., but there were too many memories.
He's renting for tax purposes, but he hopes to buy a place real soon.
I can't believe you went over there.
Hey, I saw you both flirting at the wake.
You're obviously into each other.
Now that you know he's single, you can ask him out.
Julie, I like mr. Delfino, I do.
I just, uh, I don't even know if I'm ready to start dating yet.
Oh, you need to get back out there.
Come on. How long has it been since you've had sex?
Are you mad that I asked you that?
No, I'm just trying to remember.
I don't want to talk to you about my love life anymore. It weirds me out.
I wouldn't have said anything. It's just...
I heard dad's girlfriend ask if you'd dated anyone since the divorce,
and dad said he doubted it.
And then they both laughed.
- Hi, Mike.
I brought you a little housewarming gift.
I probably should have brought something by earlier, but...
actually, you're the first in the neighborhood to stop by.
Susan knews he was lucky.
An eligible bachelor had moved onto wisteria lane,
and she was the first to find out,
but she also knew that good news...
Edie Britt was the most predatory divorc?e in a 5-block radius.
Her conquests were numerous...